Amjad Izhar Blog

Category: Sex Differences

  • What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    John Marshall Townsend’s 1998 book, What Women Want—What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, examines the persistent differences in how men and women approach relationships, sex, and commitment. Drawing on social science research and numerous interviews, Townsend argues against purely social explanations for these differences, suggesting a significant influence of biology and evolutionary psychology. The book explores various aspects of heterosexual relationships, including partner selection criteria, sexual behavior, marital expectations, and infidelity, often highlighting the contrasting desires and vulnerabilities of men and women. Ultimately, it seeks to understand the fundamental reasons behind these differing perspectives on love and commitment.

    Sex Differences: Evolutionary Psychology

    The sources discuss sex differences in psychology, particularly in the context of sexuality, mate selection, and relationships. The author argues that while social factors influence sexual attitudes and behaviors, there is a biological substratum for our sexuality that differs between men and women. The book emphasizes evolutionary explanations for these differences, noting that they are often neglected in social science.

    Here are some key aspects of sex differences in psychology discussed in the sources:

    • Basic Sex Differences in Sexuality:
    • Men’s sexual activity tends to be more regular and less discontinuous than women’s. If men are not having intercourse, they often substitute with masturbation, and nocturnal emissions may increase.
    • Men are more readily aroused by visual stimuli, the sight of attractive strangers, fantasies about them, and the anticipation of new sexual techniques and variations in partners’ physique. These factors have less significance for the average woman.
    • Studies across different decades, including Kinsey’s, Blumstein and Schwartz’s, and others in the 1980s and 1990s, have consistently found that men tend to have more sexual partners than women and are more oriented toward genital sex and less toward affection and cuddling. Women, in contrast, prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships.
    • Men exhibit a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex.
    • Research suggests that high school and college-age men are aroused more frequently (two to three times daily, often visually stimulated) and masturbate more often (several times a week) than women (aroused once or twice a week, rarely by sight alone, masturbating about once a week).
    • Sex Differences in Mate Selection:
    • For over twenty years, research has indicated that men emphasize physical attractiveness and women stress socioeconomic status when choosing partners. This pattern has been observed in college students, married couples, and across thirty-seven cultures.
    • Women prioritize qualities like earning capacity, social status, and job prestige in potential mates, while men prioritize youth and beauty.
    • Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, and the quality of emotional communication, whereas men’s satisfaction correlates with their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness can change as they move through different life stages and professional environments, with factors like intelligence, education, and career ambition becoming more important in professional settings.
    • Emotional Reactions and Investment:
    • Evolutionary psychologists argue that fundamental sexual desires and emotional reactions differ between men and women, even if socialized identically.
    • Women’s negative emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as protective, guiding them toward men who will invest more in them. Thoughts of marriage and romance direct women toward higher-investment relationships.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often accompanied by graphic fantasies, while women’s jealousy focuses more on the threat of losing the relationship and their partner investing resources in someone else. This difference is linked to men’s concern about paternity certainty.
    • Parenting:
    • Some theories suggest that women have different biological predispositions for parenting compared to men, potentially due to hormonal and neurological differences and the historical sexual division of labor. Women are often more concerned about the quality of childcare and their children’s emotional development.
    • Cognitive Differences:
    • Men’s and women’s brains are organized differently, with potential links to differences in language skills (stronger in women) and spatial perception (potentially stronger in men).
    • The Evolutionary vs. Social Constructionist Debate:
    • The author acknowledges the strong influence of the idea that early childhood training determines sex differences but argues that no study has definitively shown that differential training produces basic sex differences in sexuality and partner selection.
    • The book presents evidence that sex differences in sexuality persist even among individuals and groups who have consciously rejected traditional sex roles, such as homosexual men and women, communes, and women in high-status careers. In fact, these differences are often more pronounced in homosexual relationships.
    • The evolutionary perspective explains these differences in terms of the different risks and opportunities men and women have faced in mating throughout human history, particularly regarding parental investment.
    • The book critiques the social constructionist view, which posits that sex differences are primarily learned through socialization, arguing that it often lacks empirical support and fails to account for the consistency of these differences across cultures and in groups that defy traditional roles.
    • Universality of Sex Differences:
    • The author suggests that these sex differences appear to exist across different cultures, even in societies with varying levels of sexual permissiveness and different social structures, as seen in comparisons of Samoa and China with Western societies. For example, universally, men more often pay for sex, indicating a difference in sexual desire and valuation.
    • Implications for Relationships:
    • The fundamental differences in desires and goals between men and women necessitate compromise and negotiation in heterosexual relationships. Recognizing these differences is crucial for building realistic expectations and navigating conflict.

    In conclusion, the source material strongly argues for the existence of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, particularly in the realms of sexuality and mate selection, with a significant emphasis on evolutionary explanations for these persistent and cross-culturally observed patterns. While acknowledging the influence of social factors, the book contends that biological predispositions play a crucial role in shaping these psychological differences, which have important implications for understanding heterosexual relationships.

    Man-Woman Relationships: Evolutionary Psychology Perspectives

    The sources discuss man-woman relationships extensively, highlighting the fundamental differences in how men and women approach sexuality, mate selection, and commitment. According to the author, these differences are intrinsic and likely to persist despite societal changes. The book argues for an evolutionary psychology perspective, suggesting that differing reproductive strategies have led to distinct sexual psychologies in men and women.

    Fundamental Differences in Desires and Goals:

    • Sexuality: The sources indicate that men and women often have different goals and experiences in sexual relationships. Men, on average, tend to dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. They are often more aroused by visual stimuli and express a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex. In contrast, women traditionally desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Many women prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships. As one woman, Joan, expressed, she seeks a relationship with communication and finds men’s focus on immediate sex incomprehensible. Claire, a professional woman, suggests that sex can be a comfort for men in times of loneliness, while for women, it is often more of a celebration that is enhanced when they are feeling good and connected.
    • Mate Selection: Significant sex differences exist in mate preferences. Men tend to emphasize physical attractiveness and cues of youth and fertility when choosing partners. Women, on the other hand, often stress socioeconomic status, ambition, earning capacity, and job prestige in potential mates, viewing these as signs of a man’s ability to invest. Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, as well as the quality of emotional communication, while men’s satisfaction is more linked to their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Investment and Commitment: A key theme is women’s desire for investment from men, both emotional and material. This desire influences their perceptions of sexual attractiveness, where a man’s status, skills, and resources play a significant role. Women evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. Their emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as mechanisms guiding them toward higher-investing partners. In contrast, the more casual sexual experience men have, the less likely they are to worry about their partners’ feelings or think about long-term commitment.

    Sources of Conflict and Bargaining:

    • The fundamental differences in sexual desires and goals often lead to conflict in heterosexual relationships. For instance, men may feel that women make too many demands for investment, while women may feel that men prioritize sex without sufficient emotional connection.
    • Heterosexual relationships involve a continuous bargaining process as men and women attempt to accommodate each other’s basic desires and capacities. For example, women are more likely to seek foreplay and afterplay, and their control over the initiation of intercourse gives them some bargaining power regarding foreplay.
    • Differences in jealousy are also noted, with men’s jealousy tending to focus on sexual infidelity, driven by concerns about paternity, and women’s jealousy focusing more on the potential loss of the relationship and the diversion of their partner’s resources .

    The Role of Status and Dominance:

    • A man’s status and perceived dominance are important factors in his attractiveness to women. Women often unconsciously play out ancient rituals by being attracted to men who represent a “challenge,” those who are highly sought after and not easily committed. Dominance is seen as signaling a man’s ability to protect and provide.
    • Conversely, men are generally uninterested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction for them.

    Testing Behaviors:

    • Women often engage in subtle and sometimes overt “testing” behaviors to assess a man’s level of investment and commitment. This can include provoking arguments or flirting with other men to gauge their partner’s emotional reactions and boundaries. Men also report testing their partners for jealousy and how much they care, but typically only in relationships they are serious about.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Modernization, urbanization, and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing partners. While these changes allow for more personal fulfillment, they have also correlated with higher rates of nonmarital sex and divorce, potentially making both sexes more vulnerable to rejection.
    • Despite changing social norms and increased female economic independence, the fundamental sex differences in sexuality and mate preferences appear to persist. Even women with high status and income often still desire men of equal or higher status.

    Coping with Sex Differences in Relationships:

    • The author suggests that recognizing and acknowledging these basic sex differences in desires and goals is crucial for navigating man-woman relationships successfully. This doesn’t necessarily mean acting out every fantasy, but rather building rules and expectations that account for these differences.
    • Successful couples often find shared activities and interests and prioritize spending time together.
    • Accepting that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable due to these inherent differences is also a step toward negotiation and compromise. Understanding that men’s sexual desire may be more frequent and less dependent on mood than women’s is important for achieving healthy sexual adjustment in a relationship.

    In conclusion, the sources emphasize that man-woman relationships are shaped by both shared human needs and fundamental psychological differences rooted in evolutionary history. Recognizing and understanding these differences, particularly in the realms of sexuality, mate selection, and the desire for investment, is presented as essential for building more informed, realistic, and potentially more successful relationships.

    Male Sexual Behavior: Tendencies and Desires

    Based on the sources, men’s sexual behavior is characterized by several key tendencies and desires that often differ from those of women. These differences are seen as fundamental and potentially rooted in evolutionary psychology.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Men are generally more frequently aroused sexually than women.
    • They are also aroused by a greater variety of stimuli, including the mere sight of a potential sexual partner, pictures of nude figures and genitals, memories, and the anticipation of new experiences.
    • Visual stimuli play a primary role in male sexual arousal. This is exemplified by the young man in the class discussion who stated that seeing a good-looking woman with a great body creates an instantaneous desire for sex without conscious decision.
    • For many men, particularly younger ones, sexual arousal can be frequent and spontaneous, sometimes occurring involuntarily in embarrassing situations. They may feel uncomfortable if they cannot carry their arousal through to orgasm.
    • Men’s sexuality tends to be more focused on genital stimulation and orgasm compared to women.

    Goals and Motivations:

    • Men often dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. Joan’s incomprehension of men’s focus on immediate sex illustrates this difference.
    • There is a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex among men. Patrick’s frequenting of singles bars exemplifies this tendency. The thought of sex with a new and different partner is intrinsically exciting for many men, even more so than with a familiar partner they love.
    • Men may engage in casual sex with partners they do not particularly like simply because it is pleasurable. Matt’s numerous one-night stands demonstrate this.

    Mate Selection:

    • Heterosexual men prioritize women who exhibit signs of peak fertility, which often manifest in physical attractiveness. This criterion operates whether a man consciously desires children or not.
    • Compared to women, men are generally less interested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction.
    • Studies suggest that men show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.

    Investment and Commitment:

    • Men’s ability to be easily aroused by new partners can urge them to seek sex with women in whom they will invest little or nothing. This can lead to a tendency to limit investments and spread them among several women.
    • Men with high status tend to have more sex partners because many women find them attractive. The availability of sex “with no strings attached” can overwhelm their loyalty and prudence in committed relationships.
    • Some authors suggest a rise in “functional polygyny,” where men avoid binding commitments and indulge their desire for partner variety, often telling women they would marry if they found the right person.

    Emotional Reactions:

    • When men engage in casual relations, the mental feedback in terms of feelings and memories is often positive, motivating them to repeat the experience.
    • However, some men can be distressed by the implications of their desires and feel guilt when their partners are hurt.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often provoking graphic fantasies of their partners with other men and thoughts of retaliation.

    Cross-Cultural Consistency:

    • Across diverse cultures like Samoa and China, similar patterns in men’s sexual desires are observed, including a desire for more frequent intercourse and a greater interest in a variety of partners.

    Homosexuality:

    • Studies of homosexual men provide strong support for basic sex differences. Gay men exhibit male tendencies in an extreme form, having low-investment sexual relations with multiple partners and focusing on genital stimulation, likely because they are not constrained by women’s needs for commitment.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Increased availability of nonmarital sex due to factors like the birth control pill has likely made it easier for men, particularly successful ones, to act on their desires for partner variety.

    In summary, the sources depict men’s sexual behavior as being characterized by a higher frequency of arousal, a strong response to visual cues, a desire for variety in partners, and a greater capacity to separate sex from emotional investment. These tendencies are seen as consistent across cultures and are even amplified in homosexual men, suggesting a fundamental aspect of male sexual psychology.

    Women’s Sexual Behavior: Key Characteristics and Tendencies

    Drawing on the provided source “01.pdf”, a discussion of women’s sexual behavior reveals several key characteristics and tendencies, often contrasted with those of men. The author emphasizes that while societal changes have occurred, certain basic patterns appear persistent.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Compared to men, women are generally sexually aroused less frequently and by a narrower range of stimuli. Women are not likely to be sexually aroused merely by looking at parts of a stranger’s body, an experience commonplace for men.
    • The cues for a woman’s arousal are often initially internal; she needs to “put herself in the mood” or allow herself to be put in the mood.
    • Physical attractiveness alone is often insufficient to trigger sexual desire in women towards a stranger. They typically need more information about the man, such as who he is and how he relates to the world and to her.
    • While women can be as readily aroused as men when they decide to be with a selected partner or through fantasies and masturbation, the initial triggers differ.

    Link Between Sex and Love/Investment:

    • A central theme is the strong link between sex and love, affection, and commitment for many women. Many women prefer sex within loving, committed relationships and are more likely to orgasm in such contexts.
    • Women often desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Joan’s desire for affection, caring, verbal intimacy, and sexual fidelity as part of a sexual relationship exemplifies this.
    • Women’s sexual desire is intimately tied to signs of investment from their partners, which can include attention, affection, time, energy, money, and material resources. These signs communicate that a partner cares about the woman and is willing to invest in her happiness.
    • Sexual relations without these signs of investment are often less satisfying for women, leading them to feel “used”.

    Emotional Reactions to Casual Sex:

    • Even women who initially express permissive attitudes towards casual sex and voluntarily engage in such relations often experience negative emotions when there is a lack of desired emotional involvement or commitment from their partners. These emotions act as “alarms” guiding them towards higher-investment relationships.
    • These negative emotions are not necessarily linked to traditional conservative sexual attitudes but rather to a lack of control over the partner’s level of involvement and commitment.
    • Experiences with casual sex can lead women to a rejection of such encounters after realizing they cannot always control the balance between desired and received investment, and that these experiences can be “scary,” making them feel “slutty” and “used”.
    • Intercourse itself can produce feelings of bonding and vulnerability in women, even if they initially did not desire emotional involvement.

    Mate Selection:

    • While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness evolve and are strongly influenced by a man’s status, skills, and material resources, especially in the context of long-term relationships. Even women with high earning power often desire men of equal or higher status.
    • Women tend to evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring.
    • Women are often attracted to men who represent a “challenge” and exhibit dominance, as these traits can signal an ability to protect and provide. However, this attraction is linked to the potential for the dominant man’s investment.
    • Women may engage in casual sex for reasons beyond just intercourse, such as testing their attractiveness, competition with other women, or even revenge.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • While increased availability of contraception and women’s economic independence have changed sexual behavior, they have not eliminated the basic differences in how men and women express their sexuality. In fact, greater sexual freedom can make these differences more visible.
    • Despite increased female economic independence, the desire for men of equal or higher status often persists.

    Cross-Cultural Perspectives:

    • Even in cultures with varying levels of sexual permissiveness, such as Samoa and China, differences in male and female sexuality are evident. In China, women were seen as controlling the frequency of intercourse and their desire often dropped after childbirth and menopause.

    In conclusion, the sources suggest that women’s sexual behavior is characterized by a stronger integration of sex with emotional connection and a significant emphasis on signs of investment from partners. While physical attraction is a factor, women’s sexual interest and mate selection are deeply intertwined with assessing a man’s potential as a long-term partner and provider. Even with increased societal freedoms, these fundamental tendencies in women’s sexual psychology appear to persist, leading to different motivations and emotional responses compared to men in sexual relationships.

    Mate Selection: Gendered Preferences and Evolutionary Bases

    Mate selection is a central theme explored throughout the sources, with a significant focus on the differing criteria and priorities of men and women. The text emphasizes that these differences, while potentially influenced by social factors, have a strong biological and evolutionary basis.

    Key Differences in Mate Selection Criteria:

    • Men’s Priorities: Heterosexual men consistently emphasize physical attractiveness and signs of peak fertility in women when choosing partners for dating, sex, and marriage. This preference operates whether a man consciously desires children or not. While other qualities like common backgrounds, compatibility, intelligence, and sociability are considered important for serious relationships and marriage, a certain threshold of physical attractiveness must be met for a woman to even be considered. Men also show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.
    • Women’s Priorities: Women, on the other hand, place a greater emphasis on a man’s status, skills, and material resources as indicators of his ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. This preference for men of equal or higher socioeconomic status persists even among women with high earning power. While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, it is often secondary to signs of investment potential and other factors like a man’s character, intelligence (defined in terms of success and social connections within her milieu), and the respect he enjoys in his social circle. Women’s judgments of men’s attractiveness are also significantly influenced by the opinions of other women.

    Trade-offs Between Status and Physical Attractiveness:

    • When forced to make trade-offs, men and women exhibit dramatic differences. Men are often unwilling to date women whose physical features do not meet their standards, regardless of the women’s ambition and success. Conversely, women are rarely willing to date or have sexual relations with men who have lower socioeconomic status than they do, despite the men’s looks and physiques.
    • The relative importance of looks and status can also shift depending on the context of the relationship. Men might have more lenient physical criteria for casual sex compared to a serious relationship or marriage.

    The Role of Status:

    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Men: For men, physical traits act as an initial filter, determining the pool of partners with whom they desire sexual relations and opening the door for further exploration of investment potential.
    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Women: For women, status is a major criterion in their initial filter. High status can even transform a man’s perceived physical and sexual attractiveness in the eyes of women through a largely unconscious perceptual process.

    Competition in the Mate Selection Market:

    • Because men prioritize physical attractiveness, women with higher levels of education and income must compete with women from all socioeconomic levels for the relatively smaller pool of higher-status men. This competition can be heated.
    • Men’s relative indifference to women’s status and earning power contributes to this dynamic.
    • Women may engage in behaviors, sometimes unconsciously, to test their attractiveness and compete for desirable men.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Despite increased female economic independence and societal changes, the fundamental differences in mate preferences between men and women appear persistent. The sources suggest that these preferences are deeply rooted in evolutionary psychology, reflecting the different reproductive risks and opportunities faced by men and women throughout human history.
    • Urbanization and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing mates. However, these changes have not eliminated the core sex differences in what men and women seek in partners.

    Mate Selection Among Homosexuals:

    • Studies of homosexual men and women provide further support for the basic sex differences in mate selection. Gay men prioritize youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, similar to heterosexual men. Lesbians, on the other hand, place more emphasis on intellectual and spiritual qualities, personal compatibility, and communication, mirroring the tendencies of heterosexual women. This suggests that these preferences are not solely due to traditional sex roles.

    In conclusion, mate selection is a complex process influenced by both biological predispositions and social contexts. However, the sources strongly indicate that men and women, on average, have distinct priorities. Men tend to prioritize physical attractiveness and signs of fertility, while women prioritize status and indicators of investment potential. These differing criteria lead to various dynamics in the “dating-mating market,” including competition and trade-offs between different desirable qualities in a partner.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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  • What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    John Marshall Townsend’s 1998 book, What Women Want—What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, examines the persistent differences in how men and women approach relationships, sex, and commitment. Drawing on social science research and numerous interviews, Townsend argues against purely social explanations for these differences, suggesting a significant influence of biology and evolutionary psychology. The book explores various aspects of heterosexual relationships, including partner selection criteria, sexual behavior, marital expectations, and infidelity, often highlighting the contrasting desires and vulnerabilities of men and women. Ultimately, it seeks to understand the fundamental reasons behind these differing perspectives on love and commitment.

    Sex Differences: Evolutionary Psychology

    The sources discuss sex differences in psychology, particularly in the context of sexuality, mate selection, and relationships. The author argues that while social factors influence sexual attitudes and behaviors, there is a biological substratum for our sexuality that differs between men and women. The book emphasizes evolutionary explanations for these differences, noting that they are often neglected in social science.

    Here are some key aspects of sex differences in psychology discussed in the sources:

    • Basic Sex Differences in Sexuality:
    • Men’s sexual activity tends to be more regular and less discontinuous than women’s. If men are not having intercourse, they often substitute with masturbation, and nocturnal emissions may increase.
    • Men are more readily aroused by visual stimuli, the sight of attractive strangers, fantasies about them, and the anticipation of new sexual techniques and variations in partners’ physique. These factors have less significance for the average woman.
    • Studies across different decades, including Kinsey’s, Blumstein and Schwartz’s, and others in the 1980s and 1990s, have consistently found that men tend to have more sexual partners than women and are more oriented toward genital sex and less toward affection and cuddling. Women, in contrast, prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships.
    • Men exhibit a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex.
    • Research suggests that high school and college-age men are aroused more frequently (two to three times daily, often visually stimulated) and masturbate more often (several times a week) than women (aroused once or twice a week, rarely by sight alone, masturbating about once a week).
    • Sex Differences in Mate Selection:
    • For over twenty years, research has indicated that men emphasize physical attractiveness and women stress socioeconomic status when choosing partners. This pattern has been observed in college students, married couples, and across thirty-seven cultures.
    • Women prioritize qualities like earning capacity, social status, and job prestige in potential mates, while men prioritize youth and beauty.
    • Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, and the quality of emotional communication, whereas men’s satisfaction correlates with their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness can change as they move through different life stages and professional environments, with factors like intelligence, education, and career ambition becoming more important in professional settings.
    • Emotional Reactions and Investment:
    • Evolutionary psychologists argue that fundamental sexual desires and emotional reactions differ between men and women, even if socialized identically.
    • Women’s negative emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as protective, guiding them toward men who will invest more in them. Thoughts of marriage and romance direct women toward higher-investment relationships.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often accompanied by graphic fantasies, while women’s jealousy focuses more on the threat of losing the relationship and their partner investing resources in someone else. This difference is linked to men’s concern about paternity certainty.
    • Parenting:
    • Some theories suggest that women have different biological predispositions for parenting compared to men, potentially due to hormonal and neurological differences and the historical sexual division of labor. Women are often more concerned about the quality of childcare and their children’s emotional development.
    • Cognitive Differences:
    • Men’s and women’s brains are organized differently, with potential links to differences in language skills (stronger in women) and spatial perception (potentially stronger in men).
    • The Evolutionary vs. Social Constructionist Debate:
    • The author acknowledges the strong influence of the idea that early childhood training determines sex differences but argues that no study has definitively shown that differential training produces basic sex differences in sexuality and partner selection.
    • The book presents evidence that sex differences in sexuality persist even among individuals and groups who have consciously rejected traditional sex roles, such as homosexual men and women, communes, and women in high-status careers. In fact, these differences are often more pronounced in homosexual relationships.
    • The evolutionary perspective explains these differences in terms of the different risks and opportunities men and women have faced in mating throughout human history, particularly regarding parental investment.
    • The book critiques the social constructionist view, which posits that sex differences are primarily learned through socialization, arguing that it often lacks empirical support and fails to account for the consistency of these differences across cultures and in groups that defy traditional roles.
    • Universality of Sex Differences:
    • The author suggests that these sex differences appear to exist across different cultures, even in societies with varying levels of sexual permissiveness and different social structures, as seen in comparisons of Samoa and China with Western societies. For example, universally, men more often pay for sex, indicating a difference in sexual desire and valuation.
    • Implications for Relationships:
    • The fundamental differences in desires and goals between men and women necessitate compromise and negotiation in heterosexual relationships. Recognizing these differences is crucial for building realistic expectations and navigating conflict.

    In conclusion, the source material strongly argues for the existence of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, particularly in the realms of sexuality and mate selection, with a significant emphasis on evolutionary explanations for these persistent and cross-culturally observed patterns. While acknowledging the influence of social factors, the book contends that biological predispositions play a crucial role in shaping these psychological differences, which have important implications for understanding heterosexual relationships.

    Man-Woman Relationships: Evolutionary Psychology Perspectives

    The sources discuss man-woman relationships extensively, highlighting the fundamental differences in how men and women approach sexuality, mate selection, and commitment. According to the author, these differences are intrinsic and likely to persist despite societal changes. The book argues for an evolutionary psychology perspective, suggesting that differing reproductive strategies have led to distinct sexual psychologies in men and women.

    Fundamental Differences in Desires and Goals:

    • Sexuality: The sources indicate that men and women often have different goals and experiences in sexual relationships. Men, on average, tend to dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. They are often more aroused by visual stimuli and express a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex. In contrast, women traditionally desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Many women prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships. As one woman, Joan, expressed, she seeks a relationship with communication and finds men’s focus on immediate sex incomprehensible. Claire, a professional woman, suggests that sex can be a comfort for men in times of loneliness, while for women, it is often more of a celebration that is enhanced when they are feeling good and connected.
    • Mate Selection: Significant sex differences exist in mate preferences. Men tend to emphasize physical attractiveness and cues of youth and fertility when choosing partners. Women, on the other hand, often stress socioeconomic status, ambition, earning capacity, and job prestige in potential mates, viewing these as signs of a man’s ability to invest. Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, as well as the quality of emotional communication, while men’s satisfaction is more linked to their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Investment and Commitment: A key theme is women’s desire for investment from men, both emotional and material. This desire influences their perceptions of sexual attractiveness, where a man’s status, skills, and resources play a significant role. Women evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. Their emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as mechanisms guiding them toward higher-investing partners. In contrast, the more casual sexual experience men have, the less likely they are to worry about their partners’ feelings or think about long-term commitment.

    Sources of Conflict and Bargaining:

    • The fundamental differences in sexual desires and goals often lead to conflict in heterosexual relationships. For instance, men may feel that women make too many demands for investment, while women may feel that men prioritize sex without sufficient emotional connection.
    • Heterosexual relationships involve a continuous bargaining process as men and women attempt to accommodate each other’s basic desires and capacities. For example, women are more likely to seek foreplay and afterplay, and their control over the initiation of intercourse gives them some bargaining power regarding foreplay.
    • Differences in jealousy are also noted, with men’s jealousy tending to focus on sexual infidelity, driven by concerns about paternity, and women’s jealousy focusing more on the potential loss of the relationship and the diversion of their partner’s resources .

    The Role of Status and Dominance:

    • A man’s status and perceived dominance are important factors in his attractiveness to women. Women often unconsciously play out ancient rituals by being attracted to men who represent a “challenge,” those who are highly sought after and not easily committed. Dominance is seen as signaling a man’s ability to protect and provide.
    • Conversely, men are generally uninterested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction for them.

    Testing Behaviors:

    • Women often engage in subtle and sometimes overt “testing” behaviors to assess a man’s level of investment and commitment. This can include provoking arguments or flirting with other men to gauge their partner’s emotional reactions and boundaries. Men also report testing their partners for jealousy and how much they care, but typically only in relationships they are serious about.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Modernization, urbanization, and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing partners. While these changes allow for more personal fulfillment, they have also correlated with higher rates of nonmarital sex and divorce, potentially making both sexes more vulnerable to rejection.
    • Despite changing social norms and increased female economic independence, the fundamental sex differences in sexuality and mate preferences appear to persist. Even women with high status and income often still desire men of equal or higher status.

    Coping with Sex Differences in Relationships:

    • The author suggests that recognizing and acknowledging these basic sex differences in desires and goals is crucial for navigating man-woman relationships successfully. This doesn’t necessarily mean acting out every fantasy, but rather building rules and expectations that account for these differences.
    • Successful couples often find shared activities and interests and prioritize spending time together.
    • Accepting that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable due to these inherent differences is also a step toward negotiation and compromise. Understanding that men’s sexual desire may be more frequent and less dependent on mood than women’s is important for achieving healthy sexual adjustment in a relationship.

    In conclusion, the sources emphasize that man-woman relationships are shaped by both shared human needs and fundamental psychological differences rooted in evolutionary history. Recognizing and understanding these differences, particularly in the realms of sexuality, mate selection, and the desire for investment, is presented as essential for building more informed, realistic, and potentially more successful relationships.

    Male Sexual Behavior: Tendencies and Desires

    Based on the sources, men’s sexual behavior is characterized by several key tendencies and desires that often differ from those of women. These differences are seen as fundamental and potentially rooted in evolutionary psychology.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Men are generally more frequently aroused sexually than women.
    • They are also aroused by a greater variety of stimuli, including the mere sight of a potential sexual partner, pictures of nude figures and genitals, memories, and the anticipation of new experiences.
    • Visual stimuli play a primary role in male sexual arousal. This is exemplified by the young man in the class discussion who stated that seeing a good-looking woman with a great body creates an instantaneous desire for sex without conscious decision.
    • For many men, particularly younger ones, sexual arousal can be frequent and spontaneous, sometimes occurring involuntarily in embarrassing situations. They may feel uncomfortable if they cannot carry their arousal through to orgasm.
    • Men’s sexuality tends to be more focused on genital stimulation and orgasm compared to women.

    Goals and Motivations:

    • Men often dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. Joan’s incomprehension of men’s focus on immediate sex illustrates this difference.
    • There is a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex among men. Patrick’s frequenting of singles bars exemplifies this tendency. The thought of sex with a new and different partner is intrinsically exciting for many men, even more so than with a familiar partner they love.
    • Men may engage in casual sex with partners they do not particularly like simply because it is pleasurable. Matt’s numerous one-night stands demonstrate this.

    Mate Selection:

    • Heterosexual men prioritize women who exhibit signs of peak fertility, which often manifest in physical attractiveness. This criterion operates whether a man consciously desires children or not.
    • Compared to women, men are generally less interested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction.
    • Studies suggest that men show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.

    Investment and Commitment:

    • Men’s ability to be easily aroused by new partners can urge them to seek sex with women in whom they will invest little or nothing. This can lead to a tendency to limit investments and spread them among several women.
    • Men with high status tend to have more sex partners because many women find them attractive. The availability of sex “with no strings attached” can overwhelm their loyalty and prudence in committed relationships.
    • Some authors suggest a rise in “functional polygyny,” where men avoid binding commitments and indulge their desire for partner variety, often telling women they would marry if they found the right person.

    Emotional Reactions:

    • When men engage in casual relations, the mental feedback in terms of feelings and memories is often positive, motivating them to repeat the experience.
    • However, some men can be distressed by the implications of their desires and feel guilt when their partners are hurt.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often provoking graphic fantasies of their partners with other men and thoughts of retaliation.

    Cross-Cultural Consistency:

    • Across diverse cultures like Samoa and China, similar patterns in men’s sexual desires are observed, including a desire for more frequent intercourse and a greater interest in a variety of partners.

    Homosexuality:

    • Studies of homosexual men provide strong support for basic sex differences. Gay men exhibit male tendencies in an extreme form, having low-investment sexual relations with multiple partners and focusing on genital stimulation, likely because they are not constrained by women’s needs for commitment.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Increased availability of nonmarital sex due to factors like the birth control pill has likely made it easier for men, particularly successful ones, to act on their desires for partner variety.

    In summary, the sources depict men’s sexual behavior as being characterized by a higher frequency of arousal, a strong response to visual cues, a desire for variety in partners, and a greater capacity to separate sex from emotional investment. These tendencies are seen as consistent across cultures and are even amplified in homosexual men, suggesting a fundamental aspect of male sexual psychology.

    Women’s Sexual Behavior: Key Characteristics and Tendencies

    Drawing on the provided source “01.pdf”, a discussion of women’s sexual behavior reveals several key characteristics and tendencies, often contrasted with those of men. The author emphasizes that while societal changes have occurred, certain basic patterns appear persistent.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Compared to men, women are generally sexually aroused less frequently and by a narrower range of stimuli. Women are not likely to be sexually aroused merely by looking at parts of a stranger’s body, an experience commonplace for men.
    • The cues for a woman’s arousal are often initially internal; she needs to “put herself in the mood” or allow herself to be put in the mood.
    • Physical attractiveness alone is often insufficient to trigger sexual desire in women towards a stranger. They typically need more information about the man, such as who he is and how he relates to the world and to her.
    • While women can be as readily aroused as men when they decide to be with a selected partner or through fantasies and masturbation, the initial triggers differ.

    Link Between Sex and Love/Investment:

    • A central theme is the strong link between sex and love, affection, and commitment for many women. Many women prefer sex within loving, committed relationships and are more likely to orgasm in such contexts.
    • Women often desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Joan’s desire for affection, caring, verbal intimacy, and sexual fidelity as part of a sexual relationship exemplifies this.
    • Women’s sexual desire is intimately tied to signs of investment from their partners, which can include attention, affection, time, energy, money, and material resources. These signs communicate that a partner cares about the woman and is willing to invest in her happiness.
    • Sexual relations without these signs of investment are often less satisfying for women, leading them to feel “used”.

    Emotional Reactions to Casual Sex:

    • Even women who initially express permissive attitudes towards casual sex and voluntarily engage in such relations often experience negative emotions when there is a lack of desired emotional involvement or commitment from their partners. These emotions act as “alarms” guiding them towards higher-investment relationships.
    • These negative emotions are not necessarily linked to traditional conservative sexual attitudes but rather to a lack of control over the partner’s level of involvement and commitment.
    • Experiences with casual sex can lead women to a rejection of such encounters after realizing they cannot always control the balance between desired and received investment, and that these experiences can be “scary,” making them feel “slutty” and “used”.
    • Intercourse itself can produce feelings of bonding and vulnerability in women, even if they initially did not desire emotional involvement.

    Mate Selection:

    • While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness evolve and are strongly influenced by a man’s status, skills, and material resources, especially in the context of long-term relationships. Even women with high earning power often desire men of equal or higher status.
    • Women tend to evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring.
    • Women are often attracted to men who represent a “challenge” and exhibit dominance, as these traits can signal an ability to protect and provide. However, this attraction is linked to the potential for the dominant man’s investment.
    • Women may engage in casual sex for reasons beyond just intercourse, such as testing their attractiveness, competition with other women, or even revenge.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • While increased availability of contraception and women’s economic independence have changed sexual behavior, they have not eliminated the basic differences in how men and women express their sexuality. In fact, greater sexual freedom can make these differences more visible.
    • Despite increased female economic independence, the desire for men of equal or higher status often persists.

    Cross-Cultural Perspectives:

    • Even in cultures with varying levels of sexual permissiveness, such as Samoa and China, differences in male and female sexuality are evident. In China, women were seen as controlling the frequency of intercourse and their desire often dropped after childbirth and menopause.

    In conclusion, the sources suggest that women’s sexual behavior is characterized by a stronger integration of sex with emotional connection and a significant emphasis on signs of investment from partners. While physical attraction is a factor, women’s sexual interest and mate selection are deeply intertwined with assessing a man’s potential as a long-term partner and provider. Even with increased societal freedoms, these fundamental tendencies in women’s sexual psychology appear to persist, leading to different motivations and emotional responses compared to men in sexual relationships.

    Mate Selection: Gendered Preferences and Evolutionary Bases

    Mate selection is a central theme explored throughout the sources, with a significant focus on the differing criteria and priorities of men and women. The text emphasizes that these differences, while potentially influenced by social factors, have a strong biological and evolutionary basis.

    Key Differences in Mate Selection Criteria:

    • Men’s Priorities: Heterosexual men consistently emphasize physical attractiveness and signs of peak fertility in women when choosing partners for dating, sex, and marriage. This preference operates whether a man consciously desires children or not. While other qualities like common backgrounds, compatibility, intelligence, and sociability are considered important for serious relationships and marriage, a certain threshold of physical attractiveness must be met for a woman to even be considered. Men also show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.
    • Women’s Priorities: Women, on the other hand, place a greater emphasis on a man’s status, skills, and material resources as indicators of his ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. This preference for men of equal or higher socioeconomic status persists even among women with high earning power. While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, it is often secondary to signs of investment potential and other factors like a man’s character, intelligence (defined in terms of success and social connections within her milieu), and the respect he enjoys in his social circle. Women’s judgments of men’s attractiveness are also significantly influenced by the opinions of other women.

    Trade-offs Between Status and Physical Attractiveness:

    • When forced to make trade-offs, men and women exhibit dramatic differences. Men are often unwilling to date women whose physical features do not meet their standards, regardless of the women’s ambition and success. Conversely, women are rarely willing to date or have sexual relations with men who have lower socioeconomic status than they do, despite the men’s looks and physiques.
    • The relative importance of looks and status can also shift depending on the context of the relationship. Men might have more lenient physical criteria for casual sex compared to a serious relationship or marriage.

    The Role of Status:

    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Men: For men, physical traits act as an initial filter, determining the pool of partners with whom they desire sexual relations and opening the door for further exploration of investment potential.
    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Women: For women, status is a major criterion in their initial filter. High status can even transform a man’s perceived physical and sexual attractiveness in the eyes of women through a largely unconscious perceptual process.

    Competition in the Mate Selection Market:

    • Because men prioritize physical attractiveness, women with higher levels of education and income must compete with women from all socioeconomic levels for the relatively smaller pool of higher-status men. This competition can be heated.
    • Men’s relative indifference to women’s status and earning power contributes to this dynamic.
    • Women may engage in behaviors, sometimes unconsciously, to test their attractiveness and compete for desirable men.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Despite increased female economic independence and societal changes, the fundamental differences in mate preferences between men and women appear persistent. The sources suggest that these preferences are deeply rooted in evolutionary psychology, reflecting the different reproductive risks and opportunities faced by men and women throughout human history.
    • Urbanization and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing mates. However, these changes have not eliminated the core sex differences in what men and women seek in partners.

    Mate Selection Among Homosexuals:

    • Studies of homosexual men and women provide further support for the basic sex differences in mate selection. Gay men prioritize youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, similar to heterosexual men. Lesbians, on the other hand, place more emphasis on intellectual and spiritual qualities, personal compatibility, and communication, mirroring the tendencies of heterosexual women. This suggests that these preferences are not solely due to traditional sex roles.

    In conclusion, mate selection is a complex process influenced by both biological predispositions and social contexts. However, the sources strongly indicate that men and women, on average, have distinct priorities. Men tend to prioritize physical attractiveness and signs of fertility, while women prioritize status and indicators of investment potential. These differing criteria lead to various dynamics in the “dating-mating market,” including competition and trade-offs between different desirable qualities in a partner.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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  • How Grief Physically Affects Your Body

    How Grief Physically Affects Your Body

    Grief doesn’t just break your heart — it can break your body, too. When we think of mourning, we often picture tears, silence, or emotional pain, but the body also carries the weight of loss in surprising, sometimes alarming ways. Physical symptoms of grief can creep in quietly or strike with overwhelming intensity, reminding us that the human experience of sorrow is holistic — affecting mind, soul, and flesh.

    Scientific studies show that grief has a measurable impact on multiple bodily systems, including the immune, cardiovascular, and neurological systems. Whether it’s sudden weight loss, chronic fatigue, or unexplained aches, these symptoms aren’t figments of the imagination — they’re manifestations of profound emotional trauma. This isn’t just poetic metaphor; it’s rooted in biology, supported by medical literature, and experienced universally across cultures and time.

    As psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously noted, “The reality is that you will grieve forever…but you will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss.” That process of rebuilding starts with understanding what grief is doing to the body. By examining how it manifests physically, we empower ourselves not only to recognize the warning signs but also to treat grief with the seriousness it deserves — as both a psychological and physiological challenge.

    1- The Stress Response Overdrive

    Grief thrusts the body into a prolonged fight-or-flight mode, flooding it with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These chemicals are helpful in acute danger, but when they persist, they wreak havoc on the body’s internal balance. Elevated cortisol levels can raise blood pressure, increase heart rate, and suppress the immune system. In this hypervigilant state, the body remains on high alert, often leading to insomnia, digestive issues, and a chronic sense of exhaustion.

    Neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky, in his groundbreaking book Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, emphasizes how prolonged stress can damage brain structures like the hippocampus and compromise bodily functions. The grieving brain often confuses emotional pain with physical threat, leading to this physiological overdrive. It’s not merely emotional suffering—it’s an internal biochemical storm.

    2- Weakened Immune System

    One of grief’s more insidious effects is its impact on the immune system. Bereaved individuals often become more vulnerable to infections, colds, and even chronic illnesses due to a decrease in immune function. This vulnerability is due in part to stress hormones suppressing the activity of lymphocytes — white blood cells that help ward off disease.

    Dr. George A. Bonanno, professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University, has studied the immune responses of grieving individuals and found significant reductions in immune markers. In The Other Side of Sadness, he suggests that the body’s defense system is, in many cases, temporarily compromised during intense mourning. This biological toll underscores the need for bereaved individuals to care for their physical health as they heal emotionally.

    3- Sleep Disruptions

    Sleep is one of the first casualties of profound grief. Many grieving individuals report insomnia, restless sleep, or excessive sleep, all of which can further disrupt physical recovery. The brain, overwhelmed by emotional turmoil, struggles to downregulate at night, leading to broken or shallow sleep patterns.

    Psychologist Matthew Walker, author of Why We Sleep, notes that emotional distress can impair the body’s circadian rhythm and the production of melatonin, the sleep hormone. In grief, nights become battlegrounds for memories, regrets, and longing, making rest feel impossible. This chronic sleep debt in turn worsens emotional resilience, trapping mourners in a vicious cycle of exhaustion.

    4- Cardiovascular Strain

    Grief can have direct consequences on the heart. Research has shown that the bereaved are at significantly higher risk for heart attacks, especially in the first days and weeks after a major loss. The phenomenon known as “broken heart syndrome” or stress cardiomyopathy mimics a heart attack but is triggered by acute emotional trauma.

    Dr. Ilan Wittstein, a cardiologist at Johns Hopkins, was among the first to identify this syndrome. He emphasizes that the emotional trauma of grief can cause the heart’s left ventricle to temporarily enlarge and weaken. This physiological reaction is a stark reminder that the metaphor of a “broken heart” can carry literal meaning in the wake of intense loss.

    5- Digestive Issues

    The gastrointestinal system is closely tied to emotional well-being. During grief, individuals may experience nausea, loss of appetite, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), or stomach cramping. The gut-brain axis ensures that emotional stress directly impacts digestion, often slowing or speeding motility unpredictably.

    As described in The Second Brain by Dr. Michael Gershon, the enteric nervous system operates semi-independently and reacts strongly to emotional stimuli. When mourning disrupts mental equilibrium, the gut can become hyperactive or sluggish, mirroring the chaos of inner sorrow. This can exacerbate stress and make everyday nourishment a struggle.

    6- Muscular Tension and Pain

    Grieving individuals often carry their sorrow in their bodies — literally. Muscle tension, especially in the neck, shoulders, and back, is a common physical response to emotional distress. This tension can lead to chronic pain, headaches, or a feeling of physical heaviness.

    According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, trauma and emotional pain are stored in the body’s tissues. Grief can become somatic, embedding itself in muscles and joints, manifesting as stiffness or pain. This underscores the importance of body-based healing practices like yoga, massage, or physical therapy in grief recovery.

    7- Hormonal Imbalance

    Loss disrupts the endocrine system, often throwing hormone levels out of sync. This imbalance can result in irregular menstrual cycles, changes in libido, or thyroid dysfunction. These hormonal shifts can make it harder to regulate emotions, sleep, and energy levels.

    Endocrinologist Dr. Pamela Peeke explains in Body for Life for Women that emotional trauma can affect hormone-producing glands, disrupting everything from metabolism to reproductive health. In grief, the body often “forgets” its usual rhythm, highlighting the need for medical evaluation in prolonged or intense mourning.

    8- Chronic Fatigue

    The energy drain that accompanies grief is more than just emotional—it’s physical. Many mourners describe feeling constantly tired, even after a full night’s sleep. This fatigue is compounded by disrupted sleep, poor diet, and elevated stress hormones.

    Fatigue expert Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, author of From Fatigued to Fantastic, explains that chronic grief can mimic the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. The body, overwhelmed by both biochemical and emotional stress, becomes depleted, making even simple tasks feel monumental.

    9- Appetite Changes

    Grief often derails regular eating habits. Some people lose their appetite entirely, while others overeat in an attempt to soothe emotional pain. These shifts can lead to weight loss, gain, or nutritional deficiencies that further strain the body.

    In Mindless Eating, Dr. Brian Wansink explores how emotional triggers influence food intake. During grief, the body’s hunger signals can become unreliable. Emotional numbness may mute cravings, while emotional overwhelm can intensify them, creating a turbulent relationship with food.

    10- Inflammation and Chronic Illness

    Persistent grief has been linked to systemic inflammation, which is a risk factor for many chronic illnesses including arthritis, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. This inflammation stems from stress hormones as well as immune system dysregulation.

    According to The Inflamed Mind by Edward Bullmore, emotional suffering like grief triggers the body’s inflammatory response much like physical injury. If unaddressed, this ongoing inflammation can accelerate aging and predispose the body to long-term health conditions.

    11- Increased Risk of Substance Abuse

    To numb the pain, some individuals turn to alcohol, prescription medications, or illicit drugs. These coping mechanisms may temporarily dull the ache but ultimately worsen physical and emotional health. Substance abuse places additional strain on the liver, heart, and nervous system.

    Dr. Gabor Maté, in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, underscores how unresolved grief often underlies addiction. When pain becomes unbearable, substances may feel like a solution, but they create a cycle of dependency and deteriorating health that buries the core issue deeper.

    12- Skin Problems

    The skin, often called the body’s largest organ, can reflect internal distress. Grief may lead to flare-ups of conditions like eczema, psoriasis, or acne. This is largely due to hormonal shifts and inflammation, which can alter oil production and immune response in the skin.

    Dermatologist Dr. Ted Grossbart, author of Skin Deep, points out that emotional trauma can directly manifest in skin conditions. The psychological wounds of grief often “bleed” through the surface, reminding sufferers that mourning is both an inner and outer experience.

    13- Chest Tightness and Breathlessness

    Many grieving people report a feeling of tightness in the chest or shortness of breath. These symptoms are real and can resemble anxiety or even heart attacks. They’re often linked to hyperventilation, muscle tension, and stress-related activation of the sympathetic nervous system.

    Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of the Polyvagal Theory, explains how emotional trauma can trigger the body’s autonomic responses. In grief, the vagus nerve may interpret emotional threat as physical danger, leading to shallow breathing and a feeling of suffocation. Deep breathing techniques can counteract these effects and signal safety to the nervous system.

    14- Heightened Sensitivity to Pain

    Grief has the ability to lower your pain threshold, making everyday aches feel more intense. This is partially due to the interplay between emotional and physical pain pathways in the brain, both of which are processed in the anterior cingulate cortex.

    In The Science of Pain, Patrick Wall details how emotional distress amplifies physical sensations. For someone in grief, a small injury or discomfort can feel excruciating, as their nervous system is already overwhelmed by emotional input.

    15- Reduced Sexual Desire

    Sexual desire often diminishes during intense periods of grief. Hormonal changes, depression, and emotional withdrawal can all contribute to a loss of libido. This can strain intimate relationships and further isolate the grieving person.

    Relationship therapist Esther Perel notes that desire requires a sense of vitality and curiosity—two things grief often suppresses. In her book Mating in Captivity, she explores how emotional states shape sexual expression. Grief can dull the senses and create emotional distance even in physically close partnerships.

    16- Jaw Clenching and Teeth Grinding

    Bruxism, or involuntary grinding of teeth, is a common physical symptom of emotional stress. Grieving individuals may clench their jaws in their sleep or even during the day, leading to headaches, jaw pain, and dental issues.

    The American Dental Association reports that emotional stress is one of the leading causes of bruxism. As grief weighs heavily on the psyche, it often finds its release in muscular tension, particularly in the face and jaw, reflecting the body’s attempt to suppress deep emotional turmoil.

    17- Dizziness and Disorientation

    Grieving individuals often describe feeling dizzy, “foggy,” or disoriented. These sensations can be the result of hyperventilation, poor sleep, and nutritional deficiencies, all of which are common in mourning. The brain struggles to focus under emotional strain.

    Neurologist Dr. Oliver Sacks, in Hallucinations, discusses how extreme emotional states can alter perception. Grief alters cognitive processing and can temporarily impair spatial awareness and balance, making even simple activities feel unfamiliar or unsafe.

    18- Autoimmune Reactions

    Some evidence suggests that grief can increase the risk of autoimmune flare-ups. Chronic emotional stress may confuse the immune system, leading it to attack the body’s own tissues. Conditions like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and thyroiditis may worsen or emerge after a major loss.

    The connection between emotional trauma and autoimmune disease is explored in Dr. Donna Jackson Nakazawa’s The Last Best Cure. She explains how emotional distress can tip the balance of immune tolerance, particularly in those with genetic predispositions, highlighting how unresolved grief can be a hidden health threat.

    19- Memory Lapses and Cognitive Decline

    Grief affects memory, attention, and decision-making. This “grief brain” is a recognized phenomenon in neuroscience, where the prefrontal cortex (responsible for executive functioning) becomes temporarily less effective.

    Cognitive neuroscientist Lisa Genova, in Remember: The Science of Memory and the Art of Forgetting, writes that emotional overload can reduce the brain’s ability to encode and retrieve information. During grief, the mind is preoccupied with loss, leaving less room for cognitive clarity and everyday mental tasks.

    20- Postural Changes and Physical Withdrawals

    Grieving individuals often unconsciously hunch their shoulders, bow their heads, or avoid physical space — adopting postures that reflect sadness and vulnerability. Over time, these positions can lead to musculoskeletal issues and physical discomfort.

    In Body Language by Julius Fast, it’s noted that posture often reveals inner emotions. Slouched shoulders and downward gazes not only express grief but can also perpetuate feelings of depression and physical fatigue. Gentle physical activity and posture awareness can help realign the body and support emotional healing.

    21 – Joint and Muscle Pain

    Grief often expresses itself in the body as aching joints or persistent muscle tension. When the nervous system is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline during bereavement, the muscles may remain in a prolonged state of contraction. This tension, if not released, can result in pain that mimics symptoms of arthritis or fibromyalgia. People experiencing loss might unknowingly clench their jaws or tense their shoulders, leading to chronic soreness.

    Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains how emotional pain becomes embedded in the body’s tissues. According to his research, unresolved emotional trauma, including grief, can manifest as musculoskeletal issues. Addressing these physical symptoms requires recognizing the emotional roots behind them, not just treating the physical discomfort.

    22 – Increased Inflammation

    Chronic stress and sorrow can significantly heighten inflammation in the body, a biological response tied to many long-term health conditions. The stress response triggered by grief activates the immune system, releasing pro-inflammatory cytokines. While these compounds are helpful short-term, sustained high levels can contribute to heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders.

    According to a 2014 study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, grief-related inflammation is especially high in people experiencing complicated or prolonged grief. Learning stress-reduction techniques such as mindfulness or cognitive behavioral therapy can play a role in calming this inflammatory response.

    23 – Migraines

    It’s not uncommon for those in mourning to suffer from debilitating migraines. Emotional distress disrupts neurological pathways, and grief-induced stress can cause blood vessels in the brain to constrict and then dilate, leading to intense headaches. For some, the frequency and severity of migraines increase dramatically after a major loss.

    Neurologist Dr. Carolyn Bernstein notes that stress is one of the most powerful migraine triggers, and emotional upheaval like grief makes the brain more sensitive to such attacks. Managing triggers, staying hydrated, and creating a regular sleep routine can help reduce migraine frequency.

    24 – Digestive Problems

    Grief can cause a host of digestive disturbances, from loss of appetite to nausea, constipation, or irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). The gut and brain are deeply interconnected via the vagus nerve, and intense emotions can throw off digestive regulation. When grief disrupts eating habits, the microbiome may also suffer, further affecting overall health.

    In The Second Brain, Dr. Michael Gershon underscores the intricate communication between the gut and central nervous system. He suggests that the emotional toll of grief can interfere with gastrointestinal function just as powerfully as a virus or food intolerance. Healing your gut may require emotional processing as much as dietary changes.

    25 – Weight Gain

    Grief can cause a disruption in metabolism and eating habits, often resulting in weight gain. People may turn to comfort foods rich in sugar and fat to soothe their emotional pain, leading to emotional eating. Simultaneously, stress hormones like cortisol promote fat storage, especially in the abdominal area.

    Dr. Susan Albers, author of Eat Q, explains that emotional hunger masquerades as physical hunger. During mourning, individuals may eat not out of need but out of a desperate attempt to feel better. Addressing the underlying emotional issues is essential to restoring healthy eating patterns.

    26 – Lowered Immunity

    One of the most dangerous effects of grief is its ability to suppress the immune system. Stress hormones interfere with the production of white blood cells, reducing the body’s ability to fight off infections. This makes the grieving person more vulnerable to colds, flu, and other illnesses.

    In a pivotal study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, widowed individuals showed significant reductions in natural killer cell activity just weeks after their loss. Chronic grief, therefore, doesn’t just feel terrible—it genuinely puts your body at risk of further harm.

    27 – Skin Problems

    Skin is often considered a mirror of inner emotional turmoil, and grief is no exception. The stress it causes can exacerbate skin issues like eczema, psoriasis, and acne. When cortisol levels remain elevated, they interfere with the skin’s ability to regenerate and defend against inflammation.

    Dermatologist Dr. Amy Wechsler, in her book The Mind-Beauty Connection, discusses how emotional distress can manifest as visible skin flare-ups. She argues for a holistic approach to skincare that includes stress management alongside topical treatment.

    28 – Contributes to Cardiovascular Problems

    The emotional blow of grief is particularly dangerous for heart health. The physiological stress response increases blood pressure, heart rate, and vascular inflammation. This makes grieving individuals more susceptible to heart attacks, arrhythmias, and even the phenomenon known as “broken heart syndrome.”

    Dr. Ilan Wittstein of Johns Hopkins, who coined the term “stress cardiomyopathy,” found that acute grief can cause severe but temporary weakening of the heart muscle. Though often reversible, this condition underscores how emotional pain can quite literally break your heart.

    29 – Chest Pain and Shortness of Breath

    Grief can lead to sensations that mimic a heart attack—tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, and difficulty drawing in air. These symptoms are often manifestations of anxiety or panic attacks triggered by emotional trauma. For some, the physical sensation of heartache is all too literal.

    Psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff asserts that grief-induced chest pain is the body’s cry for emotional attention. She recommends breathwork, emotional expression, and even somatic therapy to address these alarming symptoms from the inside out.

    30 – Worsen Existing Conditions

    For individuals already coping with chronic health conditions, grief can intensify symptoms or disrupt treatment routines. The stress can aggravate conditions like diabetes, high blood pressure, autoimmune disorders, and even cancer progression by compromising the immune system and increasing cortisol levels.

    According to The Handbook of Bereavement Research, people with pre-existing conditions often experience setbacks after a major loss, not only due to emotional distress but also because their motivation to manage their health may diminish. This reinforces the need for both emotional and medical support during mourning.

    31 – Insomnia

    Sleep disturbances are among the most common physical symptoms of grief. Insomnia may occur due to racing thoughts, anxiety, and the absence of comforting routines. Without restorative sleep, both cognitive and immune functions begin to deteriorate, further exacerbating grief’s effects.

    Dr. Shelby Harris, a behavioral sleep specialist, recommends cognitive-behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) as an effective method for those dealing with grief-induced sleeplessness. Good sleep hygiene practices—like setting a regular bedtime and reducing screen time—can also aid the healing process.

    32 – Sleep-Deprivation Problems

    Sleep deprivation caused by grief doesn’t only result in fatigue; it also impairs memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation. The lack of quality sleep can create a vicious cycle in which mental fog worsens the emotional pain, and that emotional turmoil then prevents sleep.

    In Why We Sleep, Dr. Matthew Walker emphasizes that consistent lack of sleep undermines emotional resilience. He highlights how REM sleep, in particular, helps process emotions—something grieving people desperately need. Prioritizing rest is not indulgent; it is medicinal.

    33 – Sleeping Too Much

    On the flip side, some individuals may sleep excessively during the grieving process. This hypersomnia can be a form of emotional escape or a sign of depression. While it might seem harmless, too much sleep can actually leave a person feeling more lethargic and emotionally drained.

    According to the DSM-5, excessive sleep is a diagnostic criterion for major depressive disorder. Sleep becomes less about restoration and more about avoidance. Understanding this behavior is key to offering the right kind of support and intervention.

    34 – High Blood Pressure

    Grief often causes temporary spikes in blood pressure, especially in those who internalize their emotions. The body’s stress response constricts blood vessels, increases heart rate, and raises blood pressure levels—putting significant strain on the cardiovascular system.

    A study in the journal Hypertension showed that grieving spouses had significantly elevated blood pressure levels for months following the loss. These effects highlight the need for early intervention to prevent long-term cardiovascular damage.

    35 – Increased Risk of Blood Clots

    Stress and inflammation associated with grief can cause blood to become stickier, increasing the risk of clotting. This is particularly concerning for older adults or individuals with underlying vascular conditions. Deep vein thrombosis (DVT) or pulmonary embolism can become real dangers during prolonged mourning.

    According to research published in Circulation, bereaved individuals showed elevated levels of prothrombotic proteins. The connection between emotional loss and thrombotic risk shouldn’t be overlooked in clinical settings.

    36 – Increased Heart Rate

    A racing heartbeat is a typical physiological response to stress, and grief often leaves individuals in a state of emotional arousal for extended periods. The elevated heart rate is part of the fight-or-flight response, but over time, it can lead to heart palpitations and arrhythmias.

    Cardiologist Dr. Nieca Goldberg emphasizes that people often mistake grief-related palpitations for signs of a heart condition. However, understanding the emotional root can inform a more compassionate and effective approach to treatment.

    37 – Feeling Nervous/Anxious

    Grief frequently gives rise to chronic anxiety—manifesting as restlessness, worry, or a persistent sense of dread. The unknowns surrounding death and the life changes that follow can make the mind feel trapped in a cycle of fear and unease.

    Psychologist Dr. Robert Neimeyer notes that grief and anxiety often coexist because both are reactions to uncertainty and loss. Coping mechanisms such as grounding techniques, journaling, and therapy can help reestablish emotional balance.

    38 – Increased Panic Attacks

    Some grieving individuals develop full-blown panic attacks, characterized by sudden chest pain, dizziness, and shortness of breath. These attacks can feel indistinguishable from life-threatening medical events, further increasing emotional distress.

    Dr. Claire Weekes, in her classic book Hope and Help for Your Nerves, suggests that understanding the benign nature of panic can diffuse its power. Grief counseling paired with cognitive-behavioral techniques often provides significant relief.

    39 – Increased Allergy Symptoms

    Stress weakens the immune system and increases inflammatory responses, which can aggravate allergic reactions. Individuals grieving may notice more frequent or severe symptoms, such as rashes, asthma flare-ups, or sinus issues.

    A 2020 study in Allergy and Clinical Immunology demonstrated that psychological stress amplifies histamine release, making pre-existing allergies worse. Emotional care thus becomes a vital part of managing physical symptoms.

    40 – Fatigue

    Fatigue during grief is more than just physical exhaustion—it is emotional depletion that drains the body’s energy reserves. This kind of tiredness can linger for months, leaving people feeling weighed down and unable to engage with daily life.

    In Healing After Loss, Martha Whitmore Hickman writes that energy gradually returns as grief is processed. Until then, gentleness toward oneself and a reduction in obligations are vital for recovery.

    41 – Encourages Addiction
    Grief can open the door to substance abuse or compulsive behaviors as individuals try to numb their emotional anguish. Alcohol, prescription medications, smoking, or even overeating can become coping mechanisms. These behaviors might offer temporary relief but ultimately delay healing and exacerbate physical health issues.

    The National Institute on Drug Abuse has noted a clear connection between prolonged grief and substance misuse. When the brain’s reward system is dysregulated due to grief-induced neurochemical shifts, addictive behaviors become more likely. Dr. Gabor Maté, in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, emphasizes that addiction often stems from a desire to escape emotional pain—grief being one of its strongest sources.

    42 – In Children
    Grief manifests differently in children. They may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or even regression in behavior. These reactions often stem from their inability to fully understand or verbalize their emotions, and their bodies carry the burden instead.

    Research in child psychology highlights that unresolved grief in early life can contribute to long-term developmental and emotional challenges. In When Children Grieve by John W. James and Russell Friedman, the authors emphasize the importance of giving children a safe space to express emotions physically and verbally. Observant care, age-appropriate communication, and grief-informed education are essential for long-term well-being.

    43 – Memory Response
    Cognitive fog and memory lapses are common grief-related symptoms. The brain, preoccupied with processing emotional trauma, allocates fewer resources to memory formation and recall. This may feel alarming but is a temporary consequence of the stress response.

    The hippocampus—responsible for memory—can shrink under prolonged exposure to cortisol, according to findings published in the journal Neurobiology of Stress. Memory impairment during grief is not a sign of cognitive decline but rather the mind’s effort to prioritize emotional survival. Mindfulness practices, adequate rest, and time help restore cognitive clarity.

    44 – How Long Do Physical Symptoms Last?
    The duration of grief’s physical toll varies widely and depends on emotional support, personal resilience, and whether the grief is complicated or unresolved. Some physical symptoms fade within weeks, while others may persist for months—or longer—if not properly addressed.

    Harvard Health Publishing suggests that physical symptoms usually peak within the first six months but can re-emerge with emotional triggers like anniversaries. Healing is non-linear. Continued somatic awareness, therapy, and self-care are essential to restoring physiological equilibrium.

    45 – The Case of “Complicated Grief”
    Complicated grief, also known as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, extends far beyond the typical grieving timeline and causes prolonged physical and emotional suffering. It may involve severe depression, insomnia, and physical deterioration.

    Dr. Katherine Shear, a leading researcher in grief therapy, describes complicated grief as “a form of chronic pain that affects the whole being.” It often requires targeted interventions such as Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT), an evidence-based form of therapy. Left untreated, it can lead to major health issues including chronic fatigue, autoimmune conditions, and cardiovascular disease.

    46 – How to Heal
    Healing from the physical effects of grief requires a holistic approach that integrates body, mind, and soul. Regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and quality sleep are foundational. Therapy, grief support groups, and spiritual practices also help restore emotional and physical well-being.

    In Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, the author encourages patience and the acceptance that grief will ebb and flow. Healing isn’t about “moving on,” but learning to live alongside the loss while gently guiding the body back into a state of safety, rest, and renewal.

    47 – Honor the Link Between Mind and Body
    Recognizing that grief is not solely emotional but also deeply physical allows for more effective healing. Ignoring the body’s messages can prolong suffering and lead to more severe health outcomes. Respecting and addressing the body’s reactions—through somatic therapy, massage, yoga, or even simple breathwork—can be transformative.

    Philosopher and author Alain de Botton argues in The School of Life that modern culture often separates mind and body, neglecting the reality that emotional and physical selves are deeply intertwined. By honoring this connection, we not only validate our experience but also create space for holistic, lasting recovery.

    48 – Loss of Libido
    Grief can deeply affect hormone regulation, including those that govern sexual desire. The body prioritizes survival during emotional distress, which may reduce interest in physical intimacy. This can leave individuals feeling disconnected from their partner or even from themselves.

    The grief response often involves elevated levels of cortisol and reduced dopamine, both of which can suppress libido. It’s essential not to judge this shift—loss of sexual desire is a normal physiological and emotional response. When grieving, self-compassion should take precedence over societal expectations around intimacy.

    49 – Changes in Appetite
    Some people experience a complete loss of appetite during grief, while others overeat as a form of self-soothing. These eating disruptions are often tied to shifts in serotonin levels and cortisol fluctuations, which directly affect hunger cues.

    A lack of interest in food can lead to unintentional weight loss, fatigue, and nutritional deficiencies, while emotional eating may cause digestive discomfort or unhealthy weight gain. Registered dietitian and grief counselor Kara Bazzi notes that mindful eating and gentle nourishment can help restore balance over time. Listening to your body, rather than forcing strict dietary habits, is crucial.

    50 – Increased Risk of Chronic Illness
    Long-term, unresolved grief can be a silent contributor to chronic health issues such as autoimmune diseases, type 2 diabetes, and chronic fatigue syndrome. This is largely due to the immune suppression and sustained inflammation that often accompany prolonged stress and sorrow.

    In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk outlines how traumatic and prolonged emotional pain imprints itself on the nervous system, often manifesting physically over time. If left unaddressed, this can create a domino effect of health issues that stretch well beyond the emotional realm. Integrative care, including therapy, medical support, and body-based healing, is essential to prevent this downward spiral.

    Conclusion

    Grief is not merely an emotional experience; it is a full-body phenomenon. From the tip of your scalp to the soles of your feet, mourning changes the way your body feels, functions, and responds to the world. While society often focuses on the emotional dimensions of loss, the physical toll is equally profound and deserves both recognition and compassionate care.

    Understanding these physical symptoms can help individuals and their support systems recognize grief for the complex and deeply embodied process it is. As physician and writer Rachel Naomi Remen once said, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen.” In that same spirit, we must learn to listen to the language of the grieving body — because only then can we truly begin to heal.

    Bibliography

    1. van der Kolk, Bessel A. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014.
    2. Maté, Gabor. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books, 2010.
    3. Shear, M. Katherine. “Complicated Grief.” New England Journal of Medicine, vol. 372, no. 2, 2015, pp. 153–160. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMcp1315618
    4. James, John W., and Russell Friedman. When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses. Harper, 2002.
    5. Hickman, Martha Whitmore. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. Avon Books, 1994.
    6. Harvard Health Publishing. “Grief and Loss.” Harvard Medical School, 2023. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/grief-and-loss
    7. Mayo Clinic Staff. “Grief: Coping with the Loss of Your Loved One.” Mayo Clinic, 2023. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340
    8. Bonanno, George A. The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books, 2009.
    9. American Psychological Association. “Grief: Coping with the Loss of a Loved One.” APA, 2023. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
    10. Bazzi, Kara. “Eating Disorders and Grief.” Opal: Food + Body Wisdom, 2021. https://www.opalfoodandbody.com/
    11. Center for Complicated Grief. “What is Complicated Grief?” Columbia School of Social Work, 2023. https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/
    12. De Botton, Alain. The School of Life: An Emotional Education. Penguin Life, 2020.
    13. National Institute on Drug Abuse. “The Science of Drug Use and Addiction.” NIDA, 2023. https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/understanding-drug-use-addiction
    14. Neurobiology of Stress Journal. “Stress and Memory: From Mechanisms to Clinical Implications.” Elsevier, 2020. https://www.sciencedirect.com/journal/neurobiology-of-stress
    15. National Sleep Foundation. “Grief and Sleep.” SleepFoundation.org, 2023. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/mental-health/grief-and-sleep

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

    Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!

  • Shame and Secrets in a Pious Life

    Shame and Secrets in a Pious Life

    This text is a first-person account detailing the author’s struggle with purity culture instilled by her parents, which led to an unplanned pregnancy scare in college due to her lack of contraception knowledge and use. The author recounts her parents’ hypocrisy regarding premarital sex, later discovering they themselves were married only four months before the birth of their oldest child. Ultimately, the narrative highlights the harmful effects of shame-based sex education and advocates for open, honest information about contraception and female autonomy over reproductive decisions.

    Upbringing, Shame, and Sexual Health Decisions

    Based on the sources provided, the discussion of sexual health decisions revolves around the impact of upbringing, access to information, personal experiences, and relationships.

    Here are some key points from the sources regarding sexual health decisions:

    • Parental Influence and Purity Culture: The author’s parents held strong views against birth control, viewing its use as “sinning by anticipating sex”. Their household involved searching drawers and lectures on the “type of girl no decent man wanted” after discovering older sisters were sexually active. The mother even suggested getting pregnant without birth control would demonstrate “good intentions”. This strong parental admonition contributed to the author’s unpreparedness for her first sexual experience. The author notes that she took her parents’ words seriously as a viable ethical position due to a desire to please them. Decades later, the author discovered her parents were married shortly before her oldest sister was born, a fact they had concealed, revealing hypocrisy in their strict moral stance.
    • Lack of Agency and Shame: The author reflects that she learned how to lack agency from her upbringing. The parental focus on purity and the use of shame were not effective methods of birth control. The author concludes that her sexual decisions were not her parents’ to make, nor did they belong to institutions like the university with its process for prescribing birth control.
    • Seeking Information and Birth Control: A family friend provided a different perspective, suggesting the use of birth control while deciding about the morality of sex. Eventually, the author sought birth control from the student health clinic, which was within walking distance on campus. Obtaining the pill required attending a lecture, completing a long, invasive questionnaire, and watching a film. The author found the questionnaire humiliating, feeling judged.
    • Challenges in Relationships: The author’s partner was unwilling to buy condoms due to embarrassment. This unwillingness, combined with her own hesitation, meant they were “gambling with [their] futures”. The partner also exhibited cruel behavior similar to the author’s father. The author realized her partner was not someone she could have an honest conversation with, particularly regarding her body or potential pregnancy.
    • Anxiety and Uncertainty: Irregular periods caused the author significant anxiety about the possibility of pregnancy. This constant state of anxiety was something she hoped the birth control pill would alleviate.
    • Potential Miscarriage: Shortly after starting the pill, the author experienced heavy bleeding and clots, leading her to suspect a potential miscarriage. She wanted to discuss this with her partner but was unable to. This event prompted reflection on her denial of reality, the waning affection in her relationship, and how a potential pregnancy termination altered the course of her life.
    • Sex Education: In her career as a teacher librarian, the author found research showing that teens taking purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t. She advocates for informative sex education, emphasizing that shame is ineffective and that girls should know they only need their own permission regarding sexual decisions.

    Overall, the sources highlight how family background, societal expectations, personal relationships, access to information, and the presence or absence of shame significantly influence an individual’s sexual health decisions and their consequences.

    Parental Hypocrisy on Purity and Sex

    Based on the sources provided, parental hypocrisy is a central theme, specifically regarding sexual health decisions and the concept of purity.

    The sources describe the author’s parents as holding very strict views on sex before marriage and the use of birth control. The mother viewed a girl using birth control as “sinning by anticipating sex” and even suggested it would be better to get pregnant without birth control, believing it would demonstrate “good intentions”. The parents were described as “relentlessly belittling” their older sisters after discovering they were sexually active, resorting to “screaming and lectures on the ‘type of girl no decent man wanted’” and regularly searching their drawers. The author, as a 12-year-old, took these admonitions seriously, wanting to please her parents. Even when the author was 17, her mother continued to check her drawers and ensured she didn’t linger in cars after dates. The author felt she had “failed [her] mother’s strict chastity standard”.

    Decades later, after her parents had passed away, the author and her sisters discovered their parents’ wedding certificate. They found it was dated April 18, 1954. All the sisters simultaneously realized that their oldest sister was born four months after this date. This contradicted the family narrative they had always been told, which was that their parents married in September 1953. This revelation explained why the wedding had taken place in the rectory with the mother in a blue tailored suit, rather than a traditional church wedding.

    This discovery exposed the significant hypocrisy in their parents’ behavior and strict moral teachings. The second sister was particularly angry, noting that their parents had been cruelest to her. The sisters questioned if it was “purely hypocrisy” or if their parents genuinely thought they were doing a favor by trying to shame them into avoiding what they themselves had done. The author reflects that the primary lesson she learned from this upbringing was “how to lack agency”. Ultimately, the author concludes that shame, the tool often employed by her parents, was “no more an effective method of birth control than it ever was”.

    In summary, the parental hypocrisy is highlighted by the stark contrast between the parents’ severe moral condemnation of their daughters’ sexual activity and birth control use and the later discovery that the parents themselves conceived their oldest child before marriage. This contradiction profoundly impacted the daughters, contributing to shame, anxiety, and a lack of agency.

    The Harms of Purity Culture

    Based on the sources, the harm caused by purity culture is vividly illustrated through the author’s personal experiences and reflections. Purity culture, as depicted here, involves strict moral views regarding sex before marriage, the condemnation of birth control, and the use of shame and fear as tools to enforce these standards.

    Here are some of the key harms discussed:

    • Unpreparedness and Risk-Taking: The author’s mother’s admonition that using birth control was “sinning by anticipating sex” directly contributed to the author’s unpreparedness for her first sexual intercourse, leading to potential risks. The author and her partner ended up “gambling with [their] futures” by not using condoms.
    • Lack of Agency: A significant harm identified by the author is learning “how to lack agency” from her upbringing within this purity-focused environment. This suggests that purity culture, as practiced by her parents, stripped her of the ability to make informed and independent decisions about her own body and sexual health.
    • Shame and Humiliation: The parents “relentlessly belittled” their older sisters with “screaming and lectures” after discovering they were sexually active, explicitly using shame by calling them the “type of girl no decent man wanted”. The author herself felt she had “failed [her] mother’s strict chastity standard” and found the process of obtaining birth control at the student health clinic, including an “invasive questionnaire,” to be “humiliating”. The author later asserts that “Shame is no more an effective method of birth control than it ever was”.
    • Anxiety and Stress: The author experienced significant anxiety, leading to “anxiety pounds,” due to irregular periods and the constant fear of pregnancy. This persistent worry was something she hoped the birth control pill would alleviate.
    • Impact on Relationships and Communication: The author’s difficulty communicating with her partner about sensitive issues like her body or potential pregnancy, potentially influenced by her background, highlighted the isolating effect of shame and lack of openness fostered by purity culture. She realized her partner was not someone she could have an honest conversation with.
    • Hypocrisy and its Demoralizing Effect: The later discovery of the parents’ own premarital conception exposed the deep hypocrisy underlying their strict moral teachings. This revelation caused anger and pain for the sisters, particularly the second sister who felt their parents had been cruelest to her. The hypocrisy undermined the parents’ stated intentions and revealed the destructive nature of their judgment.
    • Ineffectiveness as a Preventative Strategy: Research cited by the author demonstrates that, counterintuitively, teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who do not. This stark finding underscores the failure of purity culture as a practical method for preventing unintended pregnancies, suggesting its focus on shame and prohibition is less effective than comprehensive sex education.

    In essence, the sources portray purity culture, as enforced by the author’s parents, not as a protective framework, but as a source of shame, anxiety, lack of preparation, and compromised agency for their daughters, ultimately failing in its stated goals and causing lasting harm.

    Autonomy in Reproductive Decisions

    Based on the sources provided, the discussion of reproductive rights isn’t framed in a broad legal or political sense, but rather through the lens of individual autonomy and control over one’s sexual and reproductive health decisions. The sources strongly critique the forces that undermine this autonomy.

    Key points related to reproductive rights that emerge from the sources include:

    • The Right to Personal Decision-Making: The author explicitly states, “My sexual decisions were not my parents’ to make. Nor did they belong to the university with its lecture, invasive questionnaire, and film”. This highlights the central idea that decisions about one’s body and sexual activity are personal and should not be controlled by others or institutions.
    • Autonomy and its Negation: The author reflects that the main lesson learned from her upbringing was “how to lack agency”. This upbringing involved strong parental control and the use of shame. The difficulty in accessing birth control, involving an “invasive questionnaire” and feeling judged by an “unseen judge” at the student clinic, is also portrayed as an institutional hurdle that felt like a lack of control.
    • Access to Birth Control as Part of Autonomy: The narrative details the process of seeking and obtaining the birth control pill. The need to attend a lecture, complete a questionnaire, and feel judged underscores the barriers to accessing contraception, which is a fundamental aspect of reproductive health and autonomy.
    • Consequences of Lacking Control: The author’s unpreparedness due to parental warnings against birth control led to risks. The anxiety surrounding irregular periods and the fear of pregnancy, as well as the uncertainty and inability to discuss a potential miscarriage, illustrate the emotional and physical consequences of lacking control over one’s reproductive status. The realization that a potential pregnancy termination could have “altered the course of [her] life” underscores the gravity of reproductive decisions and the impact of having (or not having) agency in such situations.
    • Critique of External Control: The author directly criticizes the current trajectory in the U.S., stating that it is “hurling toward a dystopian invasion of women’s privacy and negation of their autonomy”. This is a strong statement linking the personal experiences described to a broader societal concern about women’s control over their bodies and decisions.
    • Empowerment Through Self-Permission: As a teacher librarian, the author emphasizes that “Girls should know that the only permission they need is their own” regarding their sexual decisions. This directly counters the external control and shame often associated with discussions of sexuality and aligns with the principle of individual autonomy in reproductive matters.

    In summary, while not delving into the legal specifics of “reproductive rights,” the sources powerfully argue for the fundamental right of individuals, particularly women, to make their own informed decisions about their sexual and reproductive health without external coercion, shame, or undue institutional barriers, highlighting the significant harm caused when this autonomy is denied or undermined.

    The Harmful Ineffectiveness of Shame in Sexual Education

    Based on the sources, shame is consistently portrayed as an ineffective and harmful method for controlling sexual behavior and preventing unintended pregnancies.

    Here’s how the sources discuss shame’s ineffectiveness:

    • Parents’ use of shame: The author’s parents “relentlessly belittled” their older sisters, using “screaming and lectures on the ‘type of girl no decent man wanted’” after discovering they were sexually active. They also subjected the author to scrutiny, checking her drawers and ensuring she didn’t “linger in the car parked in the driveway”, contributing to her feeling she had “failed [her] mother’s strict chastity standard”. The sisters later questioned if this was “purely hypocrisy” or if their parents genuinely hoped “to shame us into not doing what they did”.
    • Institutional shame: The author found the “long, invasive questionnaire about [her] sexual activity” at the student health clinic to be “humiliating, as if an unseen judge was now my in loco parentis”.
    • Shame doesn’t prevent behavior: Despite the intense parental focus on chastity and the use of shame, the author had her first sexual intercourse before college and continued to be sexually active. The fear of failing her mother’s standard and the shame did not stop her from having sex.
    • Shame hinders open communication and decision-making: The author’s difficulty discussing a potential miscarriage with her partner, Mitch, who didn’t like talking about the female body due to an “ick” factor, highlights how shame and discomfort around sexuality prevent open communication necessary for making informed decisions. She realized he wasn’t someone she could have an “honest conversation with”.
    • Research shows ineffectiveness: The author cites research from Peggy Orenstein’s book “Girls & Sex,” stating that “research shows teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t”. Purity pledges are typically rooted in shame-based approaches to sex education, and this finding directly supports the claim that shame is ineffective in preventing pregnancy; in fact, it may have the opposite effect.
    • Author’s explicit conclusion: The author definitively states, “Shame is no more an effective method of birth control than it ever was“. This summarizes her personal experience and understanding based on the research she encountered.
    • Shame contributes to a lack of agency: The author reflects that the primary lesson she learned from her upbringing, which heavily featured shame and strict rules, was “how to lack agency”. Lacking agency means being unable to make independent decisions, undermining the very ability to control one’s own body and sexual health, which is necessary for effective birth control use and sexual health management.

    In essence, the sources demonstrate that shame, whether from parents or institutions, fails to deter sexual activity, hinders essential communication about sexual health, and is contradicted by research findings on pregnancy rates, ultimately proving to be an ineffective tool for promoting sexual well-being. Instead of shame, the author advocates for girls to know that “the only permission they need is their own”, emphasizing self-permission over external judgment and control.

    Purity, Pregnancy, and Parental Hypocrisy

    Quiz

    1. What was the author’s primary reason for not using birth control before her first sexual experience?
    2. Describe the parents’ reaction to the older sisters’ sexual activity.
    3. What was the mother’s unusual advice regarding birth control and pregnancy?
    4. How did the author’s perception of her parents’ advice change as she matured?
    5. What circumstances led the author to live with family friends before starting college?
    6. How did Laura, the daughter of the family friends, offer a different perspective on birth control?
    7. Describe the author’s experience taking a potential pregnancy test at the time.
    8. How did Mitch react when the author told him she had experienced significant bleeding and thought it might have been a miscarriage?
    9. What discovery did the author and her sisters make after their parents’ death regarding their parents’ wedding date?
    10. According to research mentioned by the author, what is the outcome for teens who take purity pledges compared to those who do not?

    Essay Format Questions

    1. Analyze the impact of the author’s parents’ beliefs about purity and sexuality on her personal development and decision-making during her late teens and early twenties.
    2. Discuss the theme of hypocrisy as it is presented in the text, specifically focusing on the revelation about the parents’ wedding date.
    3. Explore the contrasting approaches to sexual education and autonomy presented in the text, considering the author’s parents’ methods, the university health clinic, and the author’s later work as a librarian.
    4. Evaluate the significance of the potential miscarriage incident in the author’s life, considering her emotional response at the time and her reflections on it decades later.
    5. Examine the various dysfunctional relationships portrayed in the text (author and parents, author and Mitch, parents’ marriage) and their influence on the author’s experiences and perspectives.

    Glossary of Key Terms

    • Chastity: The state or practice of refraining from extramarital, or especially from all, sexual intercourse. In the context of the text, it refers to the expectation of sexual abstinence before marriage, particularly influenced by Catholic upbringing.
    • Admonition: A warning or reprimand from an authority figure. In the text, it refers to the mother’s warning about using birth control.
    • Philandering: Engaging in casual or illicit sexual relationships. This describes the father’s behavior in the text.
    • Matriculated: Enrolled as a student at a college or university. The author matriculated at UCLA.
    • Moral ambiguity: Uncertainty about whether something is right or wrong. Laura is described as having an understanding of this.
    • Cipher: A secret or disguised way of writing. The author used a simple cipher to discuss the pregnancy test results with Mitch over the phone.
    • Freshman 10: A common term referring to the weight gained by many students during their first year of college. The author attributes her anxiety pounds to this.
    • Miscarriage: The spontaneous expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently. The author suspects she may have had one.
    • In loco parentis: Refers to a person or organization acting in place of a parent. The author felt the student health clinic questionnaire treated them this way.
    • Purity pledges: Promises made, often by young people, to remain abstinent until marriage. Research cited in the text suggests these pledges may not be effective.
    • Dystopian: Relating to or denoting an imagined place or state in which everything is unpleasant or bad, typically a totalitarian or environmentally degraded one. The author uses this term to describe a potential future regarding women’s privacy and autonomy.
    • Autonomy: The right or condition of self-government. The author fears a negation of women’s autonomy.

    Answer Key

    1. The author’s primary reason for not using birth control was her mother’s admonition that doing so was a sin because it anticipated sex.
    2. The parents reacted with screaming, lectures, and regularly searching drawers, telling their older sisters that they were the “type of girl no decent man wanted.”
    3. The mother’s unusual advice was that she would feel better if her daughters got pregnant without using birth control because at least their intentions would be good.
    4. As she matured, the author came to see her parents’ marriage as dysfunctional and their advice as less viable, but she still struggled with the desire to please them and internalizing their views.
    5. The author ended up living with family friends before college because she was on a waiting list for student housing at UCLA and lived too far away to commute.
    6. Laura offered a different perspective by suggesting that while the author could think about whether sex was right or wrong, she should use birth control while making that decision.
    7. The author’s experience involved peeing in a mayonnaise jar, carrying it on a public bus to a clinic, and waiting two days for the results, all while feeling anxious and trying to maintain privacy.
    8. When the author told Mitch about the significant bleeding, he stared for a moment, shrugged his shoulders, and turned back to the TV, demonstrating his discomfort with discussing female bodily issues.
    9. After their parents’ death, the author and her sisters discovered their parents’ wedding certificate showing they were married in April 1954, four months before their oldest sister was born, rather than in September 1953 as they had been told.
    10. According to research mentioned by the author, teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who do not.

    Purity Culture, Hypocrisy, and Lost Agency

    Main Themes:

    • The Damaging Impact of Purity Culture: The central theme revolves around the author’s experiences growing up under the oppressive weight of her parents’ extreme focus on sexual purity, particularly for their daughters. This culture is depicted as not only hindering open communication but also actively leading to negative outcomes.
    • Quote: “My parents’ obsession With Purity Nearly Ruined Us.”
    • Parental Hypocrisy and its Consequences: The revelation about the author’s parents’ own pre-marital pregnancy exposes a profound hypocrisy at the heart of their strict moral code, highlighting how their actions contradicted the values they so vehemently enforced on their children. This discovery casts a new light on their past behavior and the lasting damage it caused.
    • Quote: “All of us were coming to the same realization at once. That was why they’d been married in the rectory rather than the church, our mother in a blue tailored suit. ‘I’m so angry,’ my second sister said, visibly shaking… Our parents had been cruelest to her…”
    • The Lack of Agency and its Link to Shame: The author details how her parents’ approach, particularly her mother’s advice to get pregnant rather than use birth control, fostered a deep sense of shame and inhibited her ability to make informed decisions about her own body and sexuality.
    • Quote: “‘I’d feel better if you weren’t using birth control and got pregnant,’ our mother yelled. ‘At least your intentions would be good.’”
    • Quote: “The only lesson I’d learned was how to lack agency.”
    • The Difficulties of Navigating Sexual Health and Decision-Making Without Adequate Education and Support: The narrative illustrates the confusion and anxiety the author faced in her first sexual experiences due to a lack of accurate information and open dialogue, in contrast to the more practical and supportive advice she received from a friend.
    • Quote: “‘I’m on the pill,’ she said. ‘You can think about whether sex is right or wrong, but use birth control while you decide.’”
    • The Enduring Impact of Past Experiences: The author reflects on how these early experiences, particularly her brush with potential pregnancy and the subsequent lack of emotional support from her partner, continued to resonate decades later.
    • Quote: “Decades later, I still think back on that moment, my denial of reality.”
    • The Importance of Comprehensive Sex Education and Personal Autonomy: The author, through her career choices and reflections, advocates for better sex education and emphasizes that young people, particularly girls, need to understand and exercise their own right to make decisions about their bodies.
    • Quote: “Shame is no more an effective method of birth control than it ever was. Girls should know that the only permission they need is their own.”

    Most Important Ideas or Facts:

    • The author’s mother discouraged the use of birth control, believing getting pregnant showed “good intentions,” leading to the author’s unpreparedness for her first sexual encounter. This is a critical fact that directly links parental ideology to the author’s later struggles.
    • The author experienced a potential miscarriage or early pregnancy loss shortly after starting birth control, highlighting the risks associated with delayed or inconsistent use, potentially influenced by her parents’ views. While not explicitly confirmed as a miscarriage, the description strongly suggests this possibility and its emotional impact.
    • Quote: “A mass of blood flowed out, heavy, full of clots, pocked with fibrous strings… I wanted to tell Mitch I might have miscarried a pregnancy… I returned to the bathroom and flushed the toilet.”
    • The discovery of the parents’ true wedding date reveals they were married only four months before their oldest daughter was born, exposing their hypocrisy regarding pre-marital sex. This is the pivotal revelation that reframes the entire narrative.
    • Quote: “‘Mom and Dad’s wedding certificate,’ I said… ‘April 18, 1954.’ Four months before my oldest sister was born.”
    • The author’s second sister suffered the most severe emotional abuse from their parents due to being sexually active, illustrating the harsh consequences of their purity standards. This highlights the unequal and cruel application of their rules.
    • Quote: “Our parents had been cruelest to her, telling her that, having slept with her boyfriend, he would then bring his friends over to have sex with her in front of him.”
    • Research indicates that teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t. This factual point, mentioned by the author in her capacity as a librarian, provides external validation for the ineffectiveness of purity culture as a preventative measure.
    • Quote: “research shows teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t.”
    • The author draws a direct connection between her difficult personal experiences and the current political climate regarding women’s reproductive rights. This adds a contemporary relevance to her personal story.
    • Quote: “though the country should have progressed on the matter in the decades since then, the U.S. is now hurling toward a dystopian invasion of women’s privacy and negation of their autonomy.”

    Conclusion:

    This source provides a powerful and personal account of the detrimental effects of strict purity culture and parental hypocrisy. The author’s narrative underscores the importance of open communication, accurate information, and individual autonomy in matters of sexual health and decision-making. The discovery of her parents’ secret adds a layer of irony and anger, highlighting the deep and lasting damage caused by their actions. The author’s concluding reflections connect her personal story to broader societal issues around reproductive rights and the ongoing need for comprehensive sex education that empowers young people.

    Autonomy and the Burden of Purity

    What impact did the author’s parents’ strict views on purity have on her and her sisters?

    The author and her sisters experienced significant emotional distress and public shaming due to their parents’ obsession with purity. Their household was filled with screaming and lectures, and their drawers were regularly searched. The author’s mother even expressed a preference for pregnancy over using birth control, believing it indicated “good intentions,” a notion the author, as a young teenager, initially took seriously.

    How did the author’s parents’ own actions contradict their strict moral code?

    Years after enduring their parents’ shaming and rules about premarital sex, the author and her sisters discovered their parents were married four months before their oldest sister was born. This revelation exposed a significant hypocrisy, demonstrating that their parents had engaged in the very behavior they vehemently condemned in their daughters.

    What was the author’s experience with her first sexual encounter and the subsequent pregnancy scare?

    The author’s first sexual intercourse was unplanned and occurred just before college. Due to her mother’s discouraging attitude towards birth control, she was unprepared. A subsequent pregnancy scare caused significant anxiety, leading her to take a public bus with a urine sample in a jar and call her boyfriend using a coded language from a public pay phone.

    How did the author’s experience at the university health clinic shape her perspective on sexual health information?

    While the university health clinic provided access to birth control, the process was described as humiliating. The invasive questionnaire and the required educational film, particularly a scene attempting to make condom use “hip,” felt awkward and ineffective. Despite the discomfort, the author acknowledged that the clinic ultimately provided the necessary “permission” to access birth control.

    What difficult experience did the author have that she suspects might have been a miscarriage?

    After starting the birth control pill irregularly due to not having her period, the author experienced severe cramps and passed a mass of blood with clots and fibrous strings. She suspected it could have been a miscarriage, a deeply impactful event that her then-boyfriend dismissed.

    How did the author’s relationship with Mitch mirror her father’s behavior, and what was its primary appeal to him?

    The author notes that Mitch sometimes treated her with cruelty, which she recognized as mimicking her father’s behavior. She came to realize that her “convenience as a sex partner was [her] primary appeal to him,” indicating a lack of genuine emotional connection and a focus on physical intimacy, similar to her father’s philandering.

    What did the author learn about the effectiveness of shame as a method of birth control through her professional experience?

    Working with teens as a teacher and high school librarian, the author encountered research showing that teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who do not. This experience reinforced her belief that shame is not an effective method of birth control.

    What is the main message the author wants to convey regarding women’s autonomy and sexual decisions?

    The author strongly advocates for women’s autonomy over their sexual decisions. She argues that these choices should not be dictated by parents, institutions, or societal pressures. Her core message is that “the only permission they need is their own,” emphasizing the importance of self-determination in matters of sexual health and choices.

    A Box of Secrets: Purity, Shame, and Autonomy

    My Parents’ Obsession With Purity Nearly Ruined Us. Years Later, I Found Their Secret In A Box Of Their Things.

    My first sexual intercourse, just before I started college, was unplanned. It would have been largely forgettable if we’d used birth control.

    Looking back, it’s hard to admit to my own foolishness. I’d had the same boyfriend for 18 months. While our Catholic upbringings were a factor in this long period of chastity, my unpreparedness was also due to my mother’s admonition that a girl using birth control is sinning by anticipating sex

    Five years before, my parents relentlessly belittled my older sisters after finding out that they were sexually active. Our household exploded in screaming and lectures on the “type of girl no decent man wanted.” Drawers were regularly searched.

    “I’d feel better if you weren’t using birth control and got pregnant,” our mother yelled. “At least your intentions would be good.”

    My sisters gave our mother’s advice all the consideration it deserved, but as a slowly maturing 12 year old, I took it seriously. Desperately wanting to please my parents, I took their words as a viable ethical position.

    By the time I was 17, my parents’ dysfunctional marriage had become a vicious, albeit silent, war. My philandering father often stayed out all night. My mother lost so much weight that her co-workers thought she had cancer. Yet she would stand in the doorway when Mitch dropped me off from dates, making sure I didn’t linger in the car parked in the driveway. She had begun emptying my drawers.

    I matriculated at the University of California, Los Angeles, a few months after my 18th birthday and about a month after I first had intercourse. I ended up on a waiting list for student housing. Since I lived too far away to commute, I stayed for the first quarter in the home of well-to-do family friends, taking a public bus to school.

    The family’s eldest daughter, Laura, was a high school senior. Grateful that she’d agreed to share her room with me, I was also indebted to her for her understanding of moral ambiguity. “I’m on the pill,” she said. “You can think about whether sex is right or wrong, but use birth control while you decide.”

    Meanwhile, my irregular periods were usually about 45 days apart, but I hadn’t menstruated in over two months. A few nights later, Laura crept into the kitchen to empty and wash a glass mayonnaise jar. The following morning, I peed in the jar, placed it in a brown paper bag and carried it on the bus, perfectly upright, hoping it looked like a bag lunch and that it wouldn’t leak or break.

    I waited two days for the negative results. I’d set up a simple cipher for the conversation with Mitch because I’d have to call him on a very public pay phone. He was a sophomore at a college across town, far enough that there would be a charge for “local long distance.” I brought a coin purse full of quarters and dimes.

    When Mitch answered the phone, I said, “I’m not going to the mountains.”

    “Wait,” he said. I could hear him moving across the room, pulling the phone cord into the hallway.

    “What?” he finally asked.

    “I’m not going to the mountains.”

    “Are you pregnant?”

    “I’m NOT pregnant,” I exclaimed in frustration, my three minutes coming to a close, the automated operator’s voice giving me my first warning.

    A girl standing in front of a vending machine turned to look at me. “Congratulations,” she said. I think she meant it. When she left, I got some chocolate chip cookies with change left over from the phone call. That was the beginning of my freshman 10, the anxiety pounds.

    I didn’t have a period until the academic quarter was over, and I’d moved into the dorms. As if all three missing periods had accumulated until the dam burst, I woke in the middle of the night slick with blood. Fearful of disturbing my new roommate, I found a towel without turning on the light and puttered to the restroom. At that hour, no one was in the hallway to see my blood-soaked pajamas. I cleaned up under one in a row of showerheads separated by white curtains.

    Multiple thoughts occurred to me: This could have been a miscarriage; I’d failed my mother’s strict chastity standard; Mitch and I were gambling with our futures.

    And still, I hesitated to act. Mitch was unwilling to buy condoms because it was embarrassing. His interest in a girl he’d met at work blossomed, and he sometimes treated me with cruelty, a thing that mimicked my father’s behavior. Despite the dysfunction of our relationship and my guilt when I came home and caught my mother searching my bathroom cabinets, Mitch and I occasionally ended up in bed when one or the other of our roommates went home for the weekend. I missed another period.

    Sin or not, I was pressing my luck. Now that I was on campus, the student health clinic was within walking distance. I made an appointment for the birth control lecture, a requirement before being prescribed the pill.

    At the student health center, I filled out a long, invasive questionnaire about my sexual activity. I found it humiliating, as if an unseen judge was now my in loco parentis. Having never developed boundaries, I answered honestly.

    After completing the survey, I sat with a group of girls watching a film. One memorable scene had a woman talking about how she was never without her “condominium” — an embossed leather pendant pouch, worn like a necklace, which she squeezed open, and from which she pulled a wrapped condom. Tooled leather had been wildly popular a decade earlier, but this effort to make birth control hip felt flat. All the girls snickered, shook their heads — and put up with it. Because at the end of the film, we got what we came for: permission.

    Though I finally had monthly pill packs in hand, I’d been instructed not to start them until the end of my next period, which showed no sign of arriving soon.

    Mitch’s parents were going away for a weekend, so we were meeting at their house for our next date. Five days before, I figured I’d waited long enough. With no way of knowing when my next period would start, but certain that we would have sex that weekend, I started taking the pill. I figured it would make my periods regular, and my constant state of anxiety about the possibility of pregnancy would disappear.

    When I met Mitch at his parents’ house, we had a typical afternoon. A meal, sex, some TV. I started to feel cramps low in my abdomen. They quickly increased in strength. I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and doubled over. A mass of blood flowed out, heavy, full of clots, pocked with fibrous strings.

    I wanted to tell Mitch I might have miscarried a pregnancy. That it was in the toilet and I wasn’t sure what to do. But Mitch didn’t like talking about the female body, waving off what he felt had an “ick” factor. All I could manage to say was that I’d passed a lot of blood. He stared a moment, shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the TV. I returned to the bathroom and flushed the toilet.

    Decades later, I still think back on that moment, my denial of reality. It was clear that Mitch’s affection for me had waned. My convenience as a sex partner was my primary appeal to him. He wasn’t someone I could have an honest conversation with, much less a baby, and I knew it. But I persisted in my hope that he would love me again, and imagined a future together. He was, after all, in the model of my father.

    It’d be a lie to say that day haunts me. And I imagine if someone asked Mitch about it, he wouldn’t be able to recall it. But I do think of it periodically, knowing that if I did accidentally terminate a pregnancy, I altered the course of my life.

    My parents died during the COVID-19 pandemic. My father had been declining for a few years. That, combined with my mother’s increasing dementia, brought my sisters and me into caregiving roles. With our father’s death, we were packing up what remained at their assisted-living apartment and moving our mom to more intensive care. I found a box of papers in the back of the closet. During the first move we’d pulled these papers from a safe bolted to the concrete floor, boxed them, and took them with us. Now, I was flipping through them.

    “Mom and Dad’s wedding certificate,” I said. None of us had ever seen it. My sisters peered over my shoulders. “April 18, 1954.” Four months before my oldest sister was born.

    We’d always been told our parents were married in September 1953.

    All of us were coming to the same realization at once. That was why they’d been married in the rectory rather than the church, our mother in a blue tailored suit.

    “I’m so angry,” my second sister said, visibly shaking. “I’m not kidding, I’m mad.” Our parents had been cruelest to her, telling her that, having slept with her boyfriend, he would then bring his friends over to have sex with her in front of him.

    There was no way to talk with our mother about this. Deep into her dementia journey, she was forgetting our names. Our sister conversation pinged. Was this purely hypocrisy? Did our parents think they were doing us a favor, hoping to shame us into not doing what they did? The only lesson I’d learned was how to lack agency.

    An old joke of my mother’s came back.

    “You can eat an apple for birth control.”

    “Before or after?”

    “Instead of.”

    My sexual decisions were not my parents’ to make. Nor did they belong to the university with its lecture, invasive questionnaire, and film. And though the country should have progressed on the matter in the decades since then, the U.S. is now hurling toward a dystopian invasion of women’s privacy and negation of their autonomy.

    My adult career choices always had me working with teens, first as a teacher and later as a high school librarian. When I read “Girls & Sex” by Peggy Orenstein to see if it was a fit for our library collection, I wasn’t surprised to learn that research shows teens who take purity pledges are more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t.

    Along with other informative sex ed titles, I featured the book in my library and reviewed iton my school library blog because I am certain of this: Shame is no more an effective method of birth control than it ever was. Girls should know that the only permission they need is their own.

    Victoria Waddle is a Pushcart Prize-nominated writer and was included in “Best Short Stories From The Saturday Evening Post Great American Fiction Contest 2016.” The author of “Acts of Contrition” and “The Mortality of Dogs and Humans,” her upcoming novel about a teen escaping a polygamist cult is set to launch in 2025. Formerly the managing editor of the journal Inlandia: A Literary Journey and a teacher librarian, she discusses both writing and library book censorship in her Substack newsletter, “Be a Cactus.”

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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  • What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

    John Marshall Townsend’s 1998 book, What Women Want—What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, examines the persistent differences in how men and women approach relationships, sex, and commitment. Drawing on social science research and numerous interviews, Townsend argues against purely social explanations for these differences, suggesting a significant influence of biology and evolutionary psychology. The book explores various aspects of heterosexual relationships, including partner selection criteria, sexual behavior, marital expectations, and infidelity, often highlighting the contrasting desires and vulnerabilities of men and women. Ultimately, it seeks to understand the fundamental reasons behind these differing perspectives on love and commitment.

    Sex Differences: Evolutionary Psychology

    The sources discuss sex differences in psychology, particularly in the context of sexuality, mate selection, and relationships. The author argues that while social factors influence sexual attitudes and behaviors, there is a biological substratum for our sexuality that differs between men and women. The book emphasizes evolutionary explanations for these differences, noting that they are often neglected in social science.

    Here are some key aspects of sex differences in psychology discussed in the sources:

    • Basic Sex Differences in Sexuality:
    • Men’s sexual activity tends to be more regular and less discontinuous than women’s. If men are not having intercourse, they often substitute with masturbation, and nocturnal emissions may increase.
    • Men are more readily aroused by visual stimuli, the sight of attractive strangers, fantasies about them, and the anticipation of new sexual techniques and variations in partners’ physique. These factors have less significance for the average woman.
    • Studies across different decades, including Kinsey’s, Blumstein and Schwartz’s, and others in the 1980s and 1990s, have consistently found that men tend to have more sexual partners than women and are more oriented toward genital sex and less toward affection and cuddling. Women, in contrast, prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships.
    • Men exhibit a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex.
    • Research suggests that high school and college-age men are aroused more frequently (two to three times daily, often visually stimulated) and masturbate more often (several times a week) than women (aroused once or twice a week, rarely by sight alone, masturbating about once a week).
    • Sex Differences in Mate Selection:
    • For over twenty years, research has indicated that men emphasize physical attractiveness and women stress socioeconomic status when choosing partners. This pattern has been observed in college students, married couples, and across thirty-seven cultures.
    • Women prioritize qualities like earning capacity, social status, and job prestige in potential mates, while men prioritize youth and beauty.
    • Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, and the quality of emotional communication, whereas men’s satisfaction correlates with their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness can change as they move through different life stages and professional environments, with factors like intelligence, education, and career ambition becoming more important in professional settings.
    • Emotional Reactions and Investment:
    • Evolutionary psychologists argue that fundamental sexual desires and emotional reactions differ between men and women, even if socialized identically.
    • Women’s negative emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as protective, guiding them toward men who will invest more in them. Thoughts of marriage and romance direct women toward higher-investment relationships.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often accompanied by graphic fantasies, while women’s jealousy focuses more on the threat of losing the relationship and their partner investing resources in someone else. This difference is linked to men’s concern about paternity certainty.
    • Parenting:
    • Some theories suggest that women have different biological predispositions for parenting compared to men, potentially due to hormonal and neurological differences and the historical sexual division of labor. Women are often more concerned about the quality of childcare and their children’s emotional development.
    • Cognitive Differences:
    • Men’s and women’s brains are organized differently, with potential links to differences in language skills (stronger in women) and spatial perception (potentially stronger in men).
    • The Evolutionary vs. Social Constructionist Debate:
    • The author acknowledges the strong influence of the idea that early childhood training determines sex differences but argues that no study has definitively shown that differential training produces basic sex differences in sexuality and partner selection.
    • The book presents evidence that sex differences in sexuality persist even among individuals and groups who have consciously rejected traditional sex roles, such as homosexual men and women, communes, and women in high-status careers. In fact, these differences are often more pronounced in homosexual relationships.
    • The evolutionary perspective explains these differences in terms of the different risks and opportunities men and women have faced in mating throughout human history, particularly regarding parental investment.
    • The book critiques the social constructionist view, which posits that sex differences are primarily learned through socialization, arguing that it often lacks empirical support and fails to account for the consistency of these differences across cultures and in groups that defy traditional roles.
    • Universality of Sex Differences:
    • The author suggests that these sex differences appear to exist across different cultures, even in societies with varying levels of sexual permissiveness and different social structures, as seen in comparisons of Samoa and China with Western societies. For example, universally, men more often pay for sex, indicating a difference in sexual desire and valuation.
    • Implications for Relationships:
    • The fundamental differences in desires and goals between men and women necessitate compromise and negotiation in heterosexual relationships. Recognizing these differences is crucial for building realistic expectations and navigating conflict.

    In conclusion, the source material strongly argues for the existence of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, particularly in the realms of sexuality and mate selection, with a significant emphasis on evolutionary explanations for these persistent and cross-culturally observed patterns. While acknowledging the influence of social factors, the book contends that biological predispositions play a crucial role in shaping these psychological differences, which have important implications for understanding heterosexual relationships.

    Man-Woman Relationships: Evolutionary Psychology Perspectives

    The sources discuss man-woman relationships extensively, highlighting the fundamental differences in how men and women approach sexuality, mate selection, and commitment. According to the author, these differences are intrinsic and likely to persist despite societal changes. The book argues for an evolutionary psychology perspective, suggesting that differing reproductive strategies have led to distinct sexual psychologies in men and women.

    Fundamental Differences in Desires and Goals:

    • Sexuality: The sources indicate that men and women often have different goals and experiences in sexual relationships. Men, on average, tend to dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. They are often more aroused by visual stimuli and express a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex. In contrast, women traditionally desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Many women prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships. As one woman, Joan, expressed, she seeks a relationship with communication and finds men’s focus on immediate sex incomprehensible. Claire, a professional woman, suggests that sex can be a comfort for men in times of loneliness, while for women, it is often more of a celebration that is enhanced when they are feeling good and connected.
    • Mate Selection: Significant sex differences exist in mate preferences. Men tend to emphasize physical attractiveness and cues of youth and fertility when choosing partners. Women, on the other hand, often stress socioeconomic status, ambition, earning capacity, and job prestige in potential mates, viewing these as signs of a man’s ability to invest. Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, as well as the quality of emotional communication, while men’s satisfaction is more linked to their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
    • Investment and Commitment: A key theme is women’s desire for investment from men, both emotional and material. This desire influences their perceptions of sexual attractiveness, where a man’s status, skills, and resources play a significant role. Women evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. Their emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as mechanisms guiding them toward higher-investing partners. In contrast, the more casual sexual experience men have, the less likely they are to worry about their partners’ feelings or think about long-term commitment.

    Sources of Conflict and Bargaining:

    • The fundamental differences in sexual desires and goals often lead to conflict in heterosexual relationships. For instance, men may feel that women make too many demands for investment, while women may feel that men prioritize sex without sufficient emotional connection.
    • Heterosexual relationships involve a continuous bargaining process as men and women attempt to accommodate each other’s basic desires and capacities. For example, women are more likely to seek foreplay and afterplay, and their control over the initiation of intercourse gives them some bargaining power regarding foreplay.
    • Differences in jealousy are also noted, with men’s jealousy tending to focus on sexual infidelity, driven by concerns about paternity, and women’s jealousy focusing more on the potential loss of the relationship and the diversion of their partner’s resources .

    The Role of Status and Dominance:

    • A man’s status and perceived dominance are important factors in his attractiveness to women. Women often unconsciously play out ancient rituals by being attracted to men who represent a “challenge,” those who are highly sought after and not easily committed. Dominance is seen as signaling a man’s ability to protect and provide.
    • Conversely, men are generally uninterested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction for them.

    Testing Behaviors:

    • Women often engage in subtle and sometimes overt “testing” behaviors to assess a man’s level of investment and commitment. This can include provoking arguments or flirting with other men to gauge their partner’s emotional reactions and boundaries. Men also report testing their partners for jealousy and how much they care, but typically only in relationships they are serious about.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Modernization, urbanization, and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing partners. While these changes allow for more personal fulfillment, they have also correlated with higher rates of nonmarital sex and divorce, potentially making both sexes more vulnerable to rejection.
    • Despite changing social norms and increased female economic independence, the fundamental sex differences in sexuality and mate preferences appear to persist. Even women with high status and income often still desire men of equal or higher status.

    Coping with Sex Differences in Relationships:

    • The author suggests that recognizing and acknowledging these basic sex differences in desires and goals is crucial for navigating man-woman relationships successfully. This doesn’t necessarily mean acting out every fantasy, but rather building rules and expectations that account for these differences.
    • Successful couples often find shared activities and interests and prioritize spending time together.
    • Accepting that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable due to these inherent differences is also a step toward negotiation and compromise. Understanding that men’s sexual desire may be more frequent and less dependent on mood than women’s is important for achieving healthy sexual adjustment in a relationship.

    In conclusion, the sources emphasize that man-woman relationships are shaped by both shared human needs and fundamental psychological differences rooted in evolutionary history. Recognizing and understanding these differences, particularly in the realms of sexuality, mate selection, and the desire for investment, is presented as essential for building more informed, realistic, and potentially more successful relationships.

    Male Sexual Behavior: Tendencies and Desires

    Based on the sources, men’s sexual behavior is characterized by several key tendencies and desires that often differ from those of women. These differences are seen as fundamental and potentially rooted in evolutionary psychology.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Men are generally more frequently aroused sexually than women.
    • They are also aroused by a greater variety of stimuli, including the mere sight of a potential sexual partner, pictures of nude figures and genitals, memories, and the anticipation of new experiences.
    • Visual stimuli play a primary role in male sexual arousal. This is exemplified by the young man in the class discussion who stated that seeing a good-looking woman with a great body creates an instantaneous desire for sex without conscious decision.
    • For many men, particularly younger ones, sexual arousal can be frequent and spontaneous, sometimes occurring involuntarily in embarrassing situations. They may feel uncomfortable if they cannot carry their arousal through to orgasm.
    • Men’s sexuality tends to be more focused on genital stimulation and orgasm compared to women.

    Goals and Motivations:

    • Men often dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. Joan’s incomprehension of men’s focus on immediate sex illustrates this difference.
    • There is a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex among men. Patrick’s frequenting of singles bars exemplifies this tendency. The thought of sex with a new and different partner is intrinsically exciting for many men, even more so than with a familiar partner they love.
    • Men may engage in casual sex with partners they do not particularly like simply because it is pleasurable. Matt’s numerous one-night stands demonstrate this.

    Mate Selection:

    • Heterosexual men prioritize women who exhibit signs of peak fertility, which often manifest in physical attractiveness. This criterion operates whether a man consciously desires children or not.
    • Compared to women, men are generally less interested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction.
    • Studies suggest that men show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.

    Investment and Commitment:

    • Men’s ability to be easily aroused by new partners can urge them to seek sex with women in whom they will invest little or nothing. This can lead to a tendency to limit investments and spread them among several women.
    • Men with high status tend to have more sex partners because many women find them attractive. The availability of sex “with no strings attached” can overwhelm their loyalty and prudence in committed relationships.
    • Some authors suggest a rise in “functional polygyny,” where men avoid binding commitments and indulge their desire for partner variety, often telling women they would marry if they found the right person.

    Emotional Reactions:

    • When men engage in casual relations, the mental feedback in terms of feelings and memories is often positive, motivating them to repeat the experience.
    • However, some men can be distressed by the implications of their desires and feel guilt when their partners are hurt.
    • Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often provoking graphic fantasies of their partners with other men and thoughts of retaliation.

    Cross-Cultural Consistency:

    • Across diverse cultures like Samoa and China, similar patterns in men’s sexual desires are observed, including a desire for more frequent intercourse and a greater interest in a variety of partners.

    Homosexuality:

    • Studies of homosexual men provide strong support for basic sex differences. Gay men exhibit male tendencies in an extreme form, having low-investment sexual relations with multiple partners and focusing on genital stimulation, likely because they are not constrained by women’s needs for commitment.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Increased availability of nonmarital sex due to factors like the birth control pill has likely made it easier for men, particularly successful ones, to act on their desires for partner variety.

    In summary, the sources depict men’s sexual behavior as being characterized by a higher frequency of arousal, a strong response to visual cues, a desire for variety in partners, and a greater capacity to separate sex from emotional investment. These tendencies are seen as consistent across cultures and are even amplified in homosexual men, suggesting a fundamental aspect of male sexual psychology.

    Women’s Sexual Behavior: Key Characteristics and Tendencies

    Drawing on the provided source “01.pdf”, a discussion of women’s sexual behavior reveals several key characteristics and tendencies, often contrasted with those of men. The author emphasizes that while societal changes have occurred, certain basic patterns appear persistent.

    Arousal and Desire:

    • Compared to men, women are generally sexually aroused less frequently and by a narrower range of stimuli. Women are not likely to be sexually aroused merely by looking at parts of a stranger’s body, an experience commonplace for men.
    • The cues for a woman’s arousal are often initially internal; she needs to “put herself in the mood” or allow herself to be put in the mood.
    • Physical attractiveness alone is often insufficient to trigger sexual desire in women towards a stranger. They typically need more information about the man, such as who he is and how he relates to the world and to her.
    • While women can be as readily aroused as men when they decide to be with a selected partner or through fantasies and masturbation, the initial triggers differ.

    Link Between Sex and Love/Investment:

    • A central theme is the strong link between sex and love, affection, and commitment for many women. Many women prefer sex within loving, committed relationships and are more likely to orgasm in such contexts.
    • Women often desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Joan’s desire for affection, caring, verbal intimacy, and sexual fidelity as part of a sexual relationship exemplifies this.
    • Women’s sexual desire is intimately tied to signs of investment from their partners, which can include attention, affection, time, energy, money, and material resources. These signs communicate that a partner cares about the woman and is willing to invest in her happiness.
    • Sexual relations without these signs of investment are often less satisfying for women, leading them to feel “used”.

    Emotional Reactions to Casual Sex:

    • Even women who initially express permissive attitudes towards casual sex and voluntarily engage in such relations often experience negative emotions when there is a lack of desired emotional involvement or commitment from their partners. These emotions act as “alarms” guiding them towards higher-investment relationships.
    • These negative emotions are not necessarily linked to traditional conservative sexual attitudes but rather to a lack of control over the partner’s level of involvement and commitment.
    • Experiences with casual sex can lead women to a rejection of such encounters after realizing they cannot always control the balance between desired and received investment, and that these experiences can be “scary,” making them feel “slutty” and “used”.
    • Intercourse itself can produce feelings of bonding and vulnerability in women, even if they initially did not desire emotional involvement.

    Mate Selection:

    • While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness evolve and are strongly influenced by a man’s status, skills, and material resources, especially in the context of long-term relationships. Even women with high earning power often desire men of equal or higher status.
    • Women tend to evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring.
    • Women are often attracted to men who represent a “challenge” and exhibit dominance, as these traits can signal an ability to protect and provide. However, this attraction is linked to the potential for the dominant man’s investment.
    • Women may engage in casual sex for reasons beyond just intercourse, such as testing their attractiveness, competition with other women, or even revenge.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • While increased availability of contraception and women’s economic independence have changed sexual behavior, they have not eliminated the basic differences in how men and women express their sexuality. In fact, greater sexual freedom can make these differences more visible.
    • Despite increased female economic independence, the desire for men of equal or higher status often persists.

    Cross-Cultural Perspectives:

    • Even in cultures with varying levels of sexual permissiveness, such as Samoa and China, differences in male and female sexuality are evident. In China, women were seen as controlling the frequency of intercourse and their desire often dropped after childbirth and menopause.

    In conclusion, the sources suggest that women’s sexual behavior is characterized by a stronger integration of sex with emotional connection and a significant emphasis on signs of investment from partners. While physical attraction is a factor, women’s sexual interest and mate selection are deeply intertwined with assessing a man’s potential as a long-term partner and provider. Even with increased societal freedoms, these fundamental tendencies in women’s sexual psychology appear to persist, leading to different motivations and emotional responses compared to men in sexual relationships.

    Mate Selection: Gendered Preferences and Evolutionary Bases

    Mate selection is a central theme explored throughout the sources, with a significant focus on the differing criteria and priorities of men and women. The text emphasizes that these differences, while potentially influenced by social factors, have a strong biological and evolutionary basis.

    Key Differences in Mate Selection Criteria:

    • Men’s Priorities: Heterosexual men consistently emphasize physical attractiveness and signs of peak fertility in women when choosing partners for dating, sex, and marriage. This preference operates whether a man consciously desires children or not. While other qualities like common backgrounds, compatibility, intelligence, and sociability are considered important for serious relationships and marriage, a certain threshold of physical attractiveness must be met for a woman to even be considered. Men also show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.
    • Women’s Priorities: Women, on the other hand, place a greater emphasis on a man’s status, skills, and material resources as indicators of his ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. This preference for men of equal or higher socioeconomic status persists even among women with high earning power. While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, it is often secondary to signs of investment potential and other factors like a man’s character, intelligence (defined in terms of success and social connections within her milieu), and the respect he enjoys in his social circle. Women’s judgments of men’s attractiveness are also significantly influenced by the opinions of other women.

    Trade-offs Between Status and Physical Attractiveness:

    • When forced to make trade-offs, men and women exhibit dramatic differences. Men are often unwilling to date women whose physical features do not meet their standards, regardless of the women’s ambition and success. Conversely, women are rarely willing to date or have sexual relations with men who have lower socioeconomic status than they do, despite the men’s looks and physiques.
    • The relative importance of looks and status can also shift depending on the context of the relationship. Men might have more lenient physical criteria for casual sex compared to a serious relationship or marriage.

    The Role of Status:

    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Men: For men, physical traits act as an initial filter, determining the pool of partners with whom they desire sexual relations and opening the door for further exploration of investment potential.
    • Status as a “Door Opener” for Women: For women, status is a major criterion in their initial filter. High status can even transform a man’s perceived physical and sexual attractiveness in the eyes of women through a largely unconscious perceptual process.

    Competition in the Mate Selection Market:

    • Because men prioritize physical attractiveness, women with higher levels of education and income must compete with women from all socioeconomic levels for the relatively smaller pool of higher-status men. This competition can be heated.
    • Men’s relative indifference to women’s status and earning power contributes to this dynamic.
    • Women may engage in behaviors, sometimes unconsciously, to test their attractiveness and compete for desirable men.

    Impact of Societal Changes:

    • Despite increased female economic independence and societal changes, the fundamental differences in mate preferences between men and women appear persistent. The sources suggest that these preferences are deeply rooted in evolutionary psychology, reflecting the different reproductive risks and opportunities faced by men and women throughout human history.
    • Urbanization and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing mates. However, these changes have not eliminated the core sex differences in what men and women seek in partners.

    Mate Selection Among Homosexuals:

    • Studies of homosexual men and women provide further support for the basic sex differences in mate selection. Gay men prioritize youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, similar to heterosexual men. Lesbians, on the other hand, place more emphasis on intellectual and spiritual qualities, personal compatibility, and communication, mirroring the tendencies of heterosexual women. This suggests that these preferences are not solely due to traditional sex roles.

    In conclusion, mate selection is a complex process influenced by both biological predispositions and social contexts. However, the sources strongly indicate that men and women, on average, have distinct priorities. Men tend to prioritize physical attractiveness and signs of fertility, while women prioritize status and indicators of investment potential. These differing criteria lead to various dynamics in the “dating-mating market,” including competition and trade-offs between different desirable qualities in a partner.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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