Amjad Izhar Blog

Category: Psychology

The Straight Path: A Discourse on Islamic Sects
This text is a transcription of a lecture discussing the internal conflict within the Tablighi Jamaat, a large Islamic missionary movement. The speaker details the history of the Jamaat, highlighting key figures and events leading to a schism in 2016. He explores the underlying causes of the division, including succession disputes and differing interpretations of religious practices. The lecture further examines the broader context of sectarianism in Islam, emphasizing the importance of adhering to the Quran and Sunnah while advocating for tolerance and unity among diverse Muslim groups. Finally, the speaker urges a return to core Islamic principles to resolve the conflict and prevent further division within the Muslim community.

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Tablighi Jamaat and Sectarianism: A Study Guide

Quiz

Answer each question in 2-3 sentences.
1. What are the two factions that have formed within the Tablighi Jamaat in recent years and what is the primary point of conflict between them?
2. What are the three main centers of the Tablighi Jamaat’s annual gatherings, and where are they located?
3. What are the titles of the two books used by the Tablighi Jamaat that have recently become a source of controversy, and why are they controversial?
4. What is the historical context of the Deobandi and Barelvi conflict, and what is the central issue of contention?
5. Who was Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi and what is his significance to the Tablighi Jamaat?
6. According to the speaker, what is the primary issue that caused the split in the Tablighi Jamaat after the death of Maulana Inamul Hasan?
7. What is the speaker’s view on sectarianism within Islam and what does he argue is the source of division?
8. According to the speaker, what is the importance of the Quran and Sunnah, and how should Muslims approach the interpretation of these sources?
9. How does the speaker analyze the hadith of the 73 sects in relation to sectarianism?
10. What is the speaker’s perspective on the role of the Imams in Islamic jurisprudence, and what is his specific objection to the way they are followed by some Muslims?
Quiz Answer Key
1. The two factions within the Tablighi Jamaat are the “building group,” which focuses on infrastructure and organization, and the “Shura group,” which adheres to a council-based leadership structure. The primary conflict is over leadership and authority, stemming from a dispute regarding the appointment of an amir (leader).
2. The three main centers of the Tablighi Jamaat’s annual gatherings are in Tongi (Bangladesh), near Lahore (Pakistan), and the Nizamuddin center in Delhi (India). These gatherings draw huge numbers of participants and are significant events in the Tablighi Jamaat calendar.
3. The two books are “Virtues of Deeds” and “Virtues of Charity.” They are controversial because they contain accounts of outlandish Sufi events and stories, which some find to be inconsistent with a strict adherence to the Qur’an and Sunnah.
4. The conflict between the Deobandi and Barelvi sects began after the establishment of the Deoband Madrasah and is rooted in differing views on Sufi practices and the authority of Hadith. Each group holds the other as not being a true Muslim, even though they both come from the Sunni and Hanafi schools of thought.
5. Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi was the founder of the Tablighi Jamaat, who started the movement in 1926 as an effort to educate Muslims at the basic level of the religion. He focused on teaching Muslims about ablutions and prayers, expanding the movement to various villages.
6. According to the speaker, the primary cause of the split in the Tablighi Jamaat was the failure to reestablish the Shoori (council) after the death of Maulana Inamul Hasan and a power struggle, resulting in the appointment of Maulana Saad Kandhalvi without the proper consultation.
7. The speaker views sectarianism as a curse and believes the primary source of division within the Islamic community is the creation of factions and the adherence to traditions and teachings outside of the Qur’an and Sunnah. He advocates for unity based on the teachings of the Qur’an and Sunnah.
8. The speaker emphasizes that the Qur’an and Sunnah are the supreme and fundamental sources of guidance in Islam. He advises that Muslims approach the interpretation of these sources by referencing Hadith and avoiding opinions or traditions that deviate from their teachings.
9. The speaker argues that the hadith of the 73 sects does not command Muslims to create sects. Rather, it is a prediction of what will happen. He states that the Qur’an orders Muslims not to create sects and to reject interpretations of Hadith that justify divisiveness.
10. The speaker believes that the Imams should be respected but that their sayings should not supersede the Qur’an and Sunnah. He objects to how some Muslims follow Imams dogmatically rather than directly studying the Qur’an and Hadith, specifically referencing the act of kissing the thumb.
Essay Questions
1. Analyze the historical development of the Tablighi Jamaat, including its origins, growth, and the internal conflicts that have led to its current state of division. How has the legacy of Ilyas Kandhalvi shaped the trajectory of the movement?
2. Discuss the role of religious texts in the Tablighi Jamaat, focusing on the controversial books “Virtues of Deeds” and “Virtues of Charity,” and the impact of these books on the schism within the Jamaat. How do they compare to more canonical texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah?
3. Examine the issue of sectarianism within Islam as described by the speaker. What are the core issues that contribute to sectarian divisions, and how does he suggest overcoming them? What are the obstacles to creating unity within Islam, as identified by the speaker?
4. Compare and contrast the speaker’s approach to understanding Islam with the practices of the Tablighi Jamaat and its various factions. In what ways does the speaker attempt to be a neutral observer while also providing an analysis of the movement’s theological underpinnings?
5. Discuss the speaker’s emphasis on the Qur’an and Sunnah as the primary sources of guidance in Islam. How does this compare with the speaker’s understanding of the role of the Imams and the traditional schools of thought?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Tablighi Jamaat: A transnational Islamic missionary movement that encourages Muslims to return to a strict adherence to Sunni Islam.
- Deobandi: A Sunni Islamic reform movement that emphasizes a strict interpretation of the Qur’an and Hadith, with a focus on education and missionary work.
- Barelvi: A Sunni Islamic movement that emphasizes love and devotion to the Prophet Muhammad and includes practices that some consider Sufi, often in opposition to the Deobandi view.
- Ahl al-Hadith: A movement within Sunni Islam that emphasizes the importance of direct study of the Hadith, and often opposes Sufi practices or traditions not directly found in the texts.
- Shura: A consultative council used in Islamic decision-making. In this context, it refers to the leadership council within the Tablighi Jamaat.
- Amir: A leader or commander, often used to denote the head of a religious group or organization. In this context, it is the disputed leadership position within the Tablighi Jamaat.
- Nizamuddin Center: The original headquarters of the Tablighi Jamaat in Delhi, India.
- Raiwand Center: A major center of the Tablighi Jamaat located in Pakistan.
- Tongi (Bangladesh): A town near Dhaka, Bangladesh, known for hosting one of the largest annual Tablighi Jamaat gatherings.
- Virtues of Deeds/Virtues of Charity: Two books written by Shaykh Zakaria Kandhalvi used by the Tablighi Jamaat that have become controversial for containing outlandish Sufi stories and accounts.
- Hayat al-Sahaba: A book written by Yusuf Kandhalvi about the lives of the companions of the Prophet, used within the Tablighi Jamaat.
- Ijtihad: The process of making a legal decision based on the Islamic legal tradition. The term refers to reasoned interpretation of Islamic law by qualified scholars.
- Sunnah: The practice and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, serving as a secondary source of guidance for Muslims after the Qur’an.
- Hadith: The recorded sayings, actions, and approvals of the Prophet Muhammad, which are used to guide Muslims in their religious practice and understanding.
- Qur’an: The holy scripture of Islam, considered by Muslims to be the word of God as revealed to the Prophet Muhammad.
- Ahl al-Bayt: The family of the Prophet Muhammad, including his descendants, wives, and other close relatives.
- Tawheed: The concept of the oneness of God in Islam, which emphasizes that there is no other god but Allah.
- Ghadir Khum: A specific location where the Prophet Muhammad is said to have delivered a sermon about the importance of Ahl al-Bayt.
- Rifa al-Ideen: The practice of raising hands during prayer, specifically when going into and rising from the bowing position (Ruku’). This is a point of contention for some Sunni Muslims.
- Ijma: The consensus of the Muslim scholars on a particular issue of law or practice.
- Fard: A religious obligation in Islam that is considered a duty for all Muslims.
- Mujaddid: A renewer of the faith, who is seen as coming at the turn of each century in the Islamic calendar to restore Islamic practice back to the traditions of the Prophet and his companions.
- Nasbiy: A derogatory term given to individuals who show animosity toward the family of the Prophet Muhammad.
- Kharijites: An early sect of Islam who broke away from mainstream Islam over political and religious disputes.
- Wahhabi Movement: An Islamic revivalist movement that promotes a strict adherence to Islamic doctrine and often views other Muslims as apostate.
- Shia: A sect of Islam that believe Ali ibn Abi Talib was the rightful successor to the Prophet Muhammad.
- Qadiani: A group that stems from the Ahmadiyya movement that was founded in 1889. Orthodox Muslims don’t consider them to be proper Muslims.
Tablighi Jamaat Schism and Islamic Unity

Okay, here is a detailed briefing document analyzing the provided text:

Briefing Document: Analysis of Discourse on the Tablighi Jamaat and Sectarianism within Islam

Date: October 22, 2024 (based on the text’s context)

Source: Excerpts from a transcript of a public session (number 179) held on December 29, 2024

Overview:

This briefing document summarizes a lengthy and complex discourse that primarily centers on the Tablighi Jamaat, a large Islamic organization, and its recent internal divisions. The speaker, who identifies as an engineer and a scholar of the Quran and Sunnah, provides a critical historical overview of the group, its origins, and its current conflict. The speaker also uses this specific conflict as a springboard to discuss broader issues within Islam, such as sectarianism, the importance of adhering directly to the Quran and Sunnah, and the dangers of blind following of tradition. The tone is critical yet somewhat sympathetic, seeking to inform and to advocate for a more unified and Quran-centered approach to Islam.

Key Themes and Ideas:
1. The Tablighi Jamaat and Its Internal Strife:
- Origins and Growth: The Tablighi Jamaat was founded by Ilyas Kandhalvi in 1926 with the aim of teaching basic religious practices to Muslims. The speaker acknowledges their hard work and dedication to going “from village to village to town to town to the mosque” and expresses personal “love for the people of Tablighi Jamaat” for their self-sacrifice.
- Current Division: For the past nine years, the Tablighi Jamaat has been split into two factions: one focused on the “building system” and the other on the “Shuri” (consultative council). The text specifies that the schism became public in 2015. This conflict recently resulted in violence at their annual gathering in Bangladesh on December 18, 2024, with “five people were martyred and more than a hundred were injured.”
- Accusations and Rhetoric: Each group accuses the other of various offenses, including calling the opposing group “Saadiani” which is intentionally close to “Qadiani” in sound, suggesting they are heretical, and that one side is an “Indian agent” while other “is pro-Pakistan.”
- Leadership Dispute: The dispute over leadership can be traced to the death of Inamul Hasan in 1995 and the failure to name a successor, resulting in a power vacuum and ultimately, the schism between Maulana Saad Kandhalvi and the Shura based in Raiwand. The speaker argues that the Tablighi Jamaat, which is generally averse to public sectarianism, is publicly showcasing its division.
1. Sectarianism Within Islam:
- Historical Context: The speaker traces the historical roots of sectarianism in Islam, highlighting the Deobandi-Barelvi divide, which emerged in the early 20th century. They note that before the Deoband madrasa, distinctions between Muslims were not as significant, focusing instead on legal schools of thought.
- Critique of Sectarianism: The speaker argues that sectarianism is a “curse” and a deviation from the true teachings of Islam. The speaker emphasizes the need to avoid sectarian labels. They believe that sectarianism and the lack of tolerance prevents Muslim unity.
- Critique of Following Elders: The speaker takes issue with the practice of following elders in a tradition, that results in the failure to adhere to and interpret the Qur’an and Sunnah directly.
- Call for Unity through Diversity: The speaker advocates for a form of unity that acknowledges diversity and encourages scholarly debate while emphasizing common ground in the Qur’an and Sunnah.
1. Importance of the Quran and Sunnah:
- Primary Sources: The speaker insists that the Quran and the Sunnah (the teachings and practices of the Prophet Muhammad) are the primary sources of guidance in Islam.
- Rejection of Sectarian Interpretations: They are critical of sectarian interpretations of the Quran and Sunnah, particularly in the area of worship. They find that traditions based on the sayings of elders result in a loss of adherence to the true practices described in Hadith (collections of the sayings and actions of the Prophet).
- Emphasis on Understanding: The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding the meaning of the Quran, rather than simply reciting it without comprehension. The speaker strongly criticizes the Tablighi Jamaat for relying more on books of virtue than on the text of the Qur’an itself. They cite the example of the practice of Rafa ul-Yadayn (raising hands during prayer), which they see as a clear example of adherence to Sunnah over sectarian custom. The speaker states that “The entire religion of the whole stands on it.” in regards to following the recorded traditions of how the Prophet practiced Islam.
1. Critique of Traditional Islamic Practices:
- Sufi Influences: The speaker is critical of certain Sufi practices and beliefs, particularly those found in books such as “Virtues of Deeds”, used by the Tablighi Jamaat before being removed by Maulana Saad Kandalvi. They reject stories in these books that conflict with the Quran and Sunnah.
- Rejection of Imitation of Religious Leaders: The speaker states “we don’t believe any sage, we don’t believe traitors, yes, we believe those who are loyal to the Messenger of Allah”. They reject the practice of following particular religious leaders and state that the “Imams are not at fault” and “we are not saying anything to Imam Hanifa, Imam Shafi’i, Ahmad Ibn Hanbal, Imam Malik, to his followers”, but reject religious leaders’ ideas that do not follow Quran and Sunnah.
1. The Concept of “The Straight Path” (Sirat al-Mustaqim):
- Emphasis on following the straight path. The speaker quotes a hadith about the Prophet drawing a straight line, representing the true path, and many crooked lines, representing the paths of deviation, and urges adherence to the Quran and Sunnah in an effort to avoid “paths of the devil”.
- Call to adhere to the way of the blessed The speaker concludes by stating that “They have not made their own paths and whoever has deviated from their path is the wrongdoer.” The speaker makes this statement in the context of the Prophet’s path and those who have followed the same path.
Quotes of Significance:
- “It is a very big international news for Muslims. Therefore, it is not only a cause of pain and suffering, but also a cause of shame.” – On the Tablighi Jamaat conflict.
- “No Muslim in the world called himself a Deobandi before the Hanafis There was a difference between the Shafi’is and the Sunnis, but the difference was not that these Deobandis were Muslims…” – On the historical context of sectarianism.
- “I think sectarianism is a curse and we should avoid it.” – On the speaker’s stance on sectarianism.
- “The whole issue of sectarianism is going on and then we started the work of a separate invitation, not to form a congregation…” – On the speaker’s organization.
- “…the Quran and the Sunnah of His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). The Qur’an Who wants to believe that the Qur’an and the Sunnah are one and the same, these are not optional things in this regard, there are two sources in parallel, the one who denies the Sunnah is not misguided, brother, he is a disbeliever…” – On the importance of following the Sunnah.
- “This book is meant to end the differences between Jews and Christians. The book made the Companions and now Rizwan out of misguidance and made them the imam of the whole humanity and you are saying that differences will arise…” – On the unifying effect of the Qur’an.
- “…after the departure of the Messenger of Allah, the Qur’an is the supreme caliph on this planet earth…” – On the final authority of the Quran after the Prophet.
- “These are crooked lines, isn’t there a devil sitting on top of each line, who is calling you to him, and in the center of which I have drawn a straight line.” He placed his finger on it and said, “I recited the verse of the Qur’an, ‘The straight path,’ and this is my path, which is the straight path, so follow it…” – On the importance of following the straight path.
Analysis:

The speaker’s analysis is comprehensive, historically informed, and critical of the status quo within many Islamic communities. They advocate for a return to the primary sources of Islam (Quran and Sunnah) while rejecting sectarianism, blind following of tradition, and innovations that go against the Prophet’s teachings. The speaker uses the current conflict within the Tablighi Jamaat as a case study to illustrate the harmful effects of sectarianism and the importance of following the straight path. They highlight the significance of adherence to the way of the blessed in following the straight path.

Potential Implications:

This discourse has the potential to provoke discussion and debate within Muslim communities. It is a call for a critical engagement with religious traditions, pushing for a more Quran and Sunnah focused practice of Islam, and it might encourage Muslims to look beyond traditional sectarian divisions. However, the speaker’s criticism of established practices and leadership may be met with resistance from those within those traditional systems. The speaker intends to encourage followers of these paths to reevaluate some of their beliefs and practices, but also to treat other Muslims with respect regardless of their sect.

Conclusion:

This public session provides a detailed and nuanced commentary on a specific conflict within the Tablighi Jamaat while touching on wider issues of sectarianism and correct Islamic practice. The speaker advocates for reform, tolerance, and a return to the primary sources of Islam in the interest of creating a unified and more tolerant Muslim community. The message is powerful, but is likely to be controversial.

The Tablighi Jamaat: Division and Disunity

Frequently Asked Questions
- What is the Tablighi Jamaat and what are its main activities?
- The Tablighi Jamaat is a large, international Islamic organization that originated in India around 1926. It focuses on encouraging Muslims to adhere to basic Islamic practices like prayer, ablution, and reading the Quran. They are known for their door-to-door preaching efforts, often traveling from village to village, mosque to mosque, promoting these fundamentals. The organization emphasizes personal sacrifice and religious devotion among its members, who often fund their missionary activities from their own pockets. It is also noteworthy for its large gatherings, particularly in Tongi, Bangladesh, near Lahore, Pakistan, and at Nizamuddin, in Delhi, India. They have centers established in roughly 170 countries and are considered to be the largest organization in the Muslim world.
- Why has the Tablighi Jamaat recently been in the news?
- The Tablighi Jamaat has experienced significant internal conflict and division in recent years, stemming from disagreements over leadership and the methodology of preaching. This has led to the formation of two main factions: one aligned with the “building system” (construction and management of centers), and the other focused on the “Shura” (consultative council). These divisions have manifested in clashes, most notably at their annual gathering in Bangladesh on December 18, 2024, resulting in deaths and injuries. The accusations flying between the factions are also a factor in the media coverage, with each side accusing the other of various wrongdoings.
- What are the main points of contention between the two factions within the Tablighi Jamaat?
- The core of the conflict involves disputes over leadership succession following the death of previous leaders. This culminated in Maulana Saad Kandhalvi unilaterally declaring himself Amir (leader) in 2016, leading to a split from the Shura council, the original group. The original Shura group felt that the 10 member Shura should have selected a new amir as decided in 1993. This resulted in each faction declaring the other’s mosques to be illegitimate, while accusations of betrayal and even foreign influence (Indian Agent), are common in the videos uploaded by the different factions. The factions differ also on the usage of specific books, for instance, Maulana Saad Kandhalvi’s faction no longer endorses “Virtues of Deeds” and “Virtues of Charity,” which have been sources of controversy.
- What is the significance of the books “Virtues of Deeds” and “Virtues of Charity” and why are they now controversial?
- These books, authored by Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi, have historically been a part of the Tablighi Jamaat’s curriculum. However, they have come under criticism for containing narratives and stories perceived as fantastical, and for promoting ideas associated with Sufi practices and beliefs. Some critics, including Maulana Tariq Jameel, have argued that these narratives are not grounded in the Qur’an or the Sunnah. It’s also important to note that the authorship of these texts has been a factor, as the books are from the father of Maulana Saad Kanlavi, who was in the party of Sufism and Peri Muridi. This is why Saad Kandhalvi banned the books.
- How does the Tablighi Jamaat relate to the broader historical conflict between the Deobandi and Barelvi schools of thought?
- The Tablighi Jamaat is rooted in the Deobandi school of thought, which emerged as a reaction against certain Sufi practices and beliefs. The Deobandi school originated with the establishment of the Deoband Madrasa. This madrasa was formed because its scholars began to differ from Sufi thought, specifically taking aspects from the Ahl al-Hadith school. The Barelvi school of thought, in response, arose in 1904 in opposition to the Deobandi school and their deviations from Sufi thought. This led to a long-standing theological and cultural conflict between these two schools, with each side accusing the other of being outside the fold of Islam. This history of sectarianism affects how each faction within the Tablighi Jamaat views the other.
- How does the speaker view the role of sectarianism in Islam?
- The speaker views sectarianism as a detrimental force in Islam, believing it to be a curse. He argues that divisions and sects are a violation of the Qur’anic injunction to “hold fast to the rope of Allah and do not be divided into sects”. He believes the constant infighting and accusations of disbelief that each sect throws at each other creates disunity. He stresses that Muslims should primarily adhere to the Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad and avoid creating sects. He further asserts that each group thinks that their way is right, and because of that, it is easy for that group to deem all other groups are on the path to hell. He supports a more tolerant approach to differences in practice, where groups should focus on constructive scholarly criticism rather than outright denouncement.
- What is the speaker’s position on following the Qur’an and the Sunnah?
- The speaker strongly emphasizes that the Qur’an and the Sunnah are the primary sources of guidance for Muslims. He maintains that the method for the prayer was not described in the Quran, and therefore must come from the Sunnah and its related Hadiths. He argues that adherence to these sources will prevent Muslims from going astray, as the Prophet’s final instructions centered around these two things. He also stresses the importance of understanding the Qur’an rather than simply reciting it without comprehension. He highlights a hadith in which the Prophet (PBUH) states the best book of Allah is the Book of Allah, and the best path is that of Muhammad, and that any new actions in religion are considered heresies and will lead to hell.
- What is the significance of the Hadith of Ghadeer Khum, and what does it tell us about the two things the Prophet left behind?
The speaker considers the Hadith of Ghadeer Khum to be of the highest importance. It details the Prophet, peace be upon him, declaring that he was leaving behind two weighty things for his followers: the Qur’an and his Ahl al-Bayt (his family). This is considered an important hadith because the Quran is not just a book, but rather “The Rope of Allah”, that if followed closely, will keep one from going astray. The Hadith goes on to say that the Prophet (PBUH) implores his followers to treat the Ahl al-Bayt well. The speaker believes that this hadith shows the significance of the Qur’an and also the importance of respecting the Prophet’s family. He argues that the Muslim Ummah has failed to uphold either of these.

The Tablighi Jamaat Schism

Okay, here’s the timeline and cast of characters based on the provided text:

Timeline of Events
- 1904: Madrasah Manzarul Islam Barelwi is built, marking the formal establishment of the Barelvi sect.
- 1905:Five Fatwas of infidelity (Hussam al-Haramayin) are issued against Deobandi scholars by Barelvi scholars.
- Einstein publishes his Special Theory of Relativity, while the Deobandi-Barelvi conflict escalates.
- Deobandi scholars write Al-Muhand Ali Al-Mufand in response to accusations of infidelity, but these are not accepted by the Barelvis.
- 1926: Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi starts the work of Tablighi Jamaat in Mewat, initially focused on educating Muslims.
- 1944: Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi dies.
- 1965: Maulana Yusuf Kandhalvi, Ilyas’s son, dies at the age of 48 after serving as Amir for 21 years; he wrote Hayat al-Sahaba.
- 1965: Instead of Yusuf’s son, Haroon, Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi appoints his son-in-law, Maulana Inamul Hasan Kandhalvi, as the Amir of Tablighi Jamaat.
- 1981: Dawat-e-Islami is formed by Barelvi scholars, with access to existing Barelvi mosques.
- 1993: Maulana Inamul Hasan Kandhalvi forms a ten-member council to choose a successor as Amir.
- 1995: Maulana Inamul Hasan Kandhalvi dies; the ten-member council fails to choose a new Amir, and the leadership falls to the council.
- 2007: The speaker of the text attends the Tablighi Jamaat gathering at Raiwind on 2nd November.
- 2008: The speaker moves towards Ahl al-Hadith beliefs.
- 2009: The speaker starts to understand issues of sectarianism
- 2010: The speaker starts regular video recordings of Quran classes in October.
- March 2014: Maulana Zubair Al Hasan, a member of the Shura council, dies.
- November 2015:Meeting of the Tablighi Jamaat in Raiwand.
- Haji Abdul Wahab adds 11 new members to the shura, making a total of 13, and Maulana Saad Kandhalvi is named as one of the two most senior.
- Maulana Saad Kandhalvi refuses to sign the document with the 13 members.
- June 2016: Maulana Saad Kandhalvi declares himself the Amir of the Tablighi Jamaat, sparking a split within the organization. He expelled members of the other side from the Nizamuddin mosque in Delhi.
- December 1, 2018: A clash occurs between the two factions of the Tablighi Jamaat in Bangladesh.
- November 18, 2018: Haji Abdul Wahab dies.
- December 18, 2024: Violent clashes in Bangladesh between the two Tablighi Jamaat groups result in 5 deaths and over 100 injuries. This event causes the speaker of the text to discuss the history of Tablighi Jamaat in public.
- December 29, 2024: The speaker gives public session number 179, discussing these events.
Cast of Characters
- Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi: Founder of the Tablighi Jamaat in 1926. He focused on educating Muslims and his work spread quickly. He died in 1944.
- Maulana Yusuf Kandhalvi: Son of Ilyas Kandhalvi; the second Amir of Tablighi Jamaat. Served for 21 years, wrote Hayat al-Sahaba. Died at the age of 48 in 1965.
- Maulana Haroon Kandhalvi: Son of Yusuf Kandhalvi, not chosen as the next Amir of Tablighi Jamaat after his father’s death.
- Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi: Nephew of Ilyas Kandhalvi and cousin of Yusuf Kandhalvi. Chose his son-in-law as Amir instead of Yusuf’s son. Wrote Virtues of Actions, Virtues of Hajj, Virtues of Durood and Virtues of Charity.
- Maulana Inamul Hasan Kandhalvi: Son-in-law of Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi; the third Amir of Tablighi Jamaat, serving for 30 years (1965-1995). Established the ten-member council.
- Maulana Saad Kandhalvi: A descendant of Ilyas Kandhalvi who declared himself the Amir in 2016, leading to the current split within the Tablighi Jamaat. He leads the faction based at the Nizamuddin center in India and has banned some Tablighi books.
- Haji Abdul Wahab: A senior member of the Tablighi Jamaat Shura (council) and teacher. He was with Ilyas Kandhalvi in 1926. Attempted to make peace between the groups in 2016 before passing away in 2018.
- Maulana Zubair Al Hasan: Member of the ten-member Shura, who died in March 2014.
- Rashid Ahmed Gangui, Ashraf Ali Thanvi, and Ismail Ambeti: Deobandi scholars who were targets of the Fatwas of infidelity from the Barelvis in 1905.
- Khalil Ahmad Saharanpuri: Deobandi scholar who wrote Al-Muhand Ali Al-Mufand in response to accusations of infidelity from the Barelvis in 1905.
- Imam Nabawi: Author of Riyad al-Saliheen, a widely read hadith book.
- Maulana Tariq Jameel: A contemporary religious scholar who has criticized some of the traditional stories found in Tablighi books.
- Imam Ahmed Barelvi: Founder of the Barelvi sect.
- Ibn Abidin al-Shami: A scholar from 1252 A.H. who gave a blasphemous fatwa about Surah Al-Fatiha. Deobandi scholars cite him with respect.
- Imam Abu Hanifa: Founder of the Hanafi school of law, whose opinions are followed by both Deobandis and Barelvis.
- Sheikh Ahmad Sarandi (Mujaddid al-Thani): Declared himself a Mujaddid and claimed that if a prophet was to come to the Ummah, he would follow Hanafi law.
- Sheikh Abdul Qadir Jilani: A respected Sufi figure. Author of Ghaniya Talibeen.
- Imam al-Ghazali: A respected Sufi figure who lived from 505 – 506 Hijri.
- Maulana Ilyas Qadri: Leader of the Dawat-e-Islami movement.
- Maulana Ilyas: Leader of a small Tablighi Jamaat of Ahl al-Hadith.
- Engineer (Speaker of the text): The speaker of the text who describes the history of the Tablighi Jamaat and Islamic sectarianism. He considers all the sects to be Muslim.
- Qazi Shur: A judge of Kufa who wrote a letter to Hazrat Umar about issues of Ijtihad.
- Imam Ibn Al-Mazar: Author of Kitab al-Ijma, a book on the consensus of Islamic scholars.
- Zayd Ibn Arqam: Narrator of the hadith of Ghadeer Khum.
- Hazrat Umar: Companion of the Prophet, second Caliph.
- Hazrat Abu Bakr: Companion of the Prophet, first Caliph.
- Mufti Amjad Ali: Author of Bhar Shariat.
- Syed Farman Ali Shah: Whose translation is used for the Deobandis.
- Gulam Ahmad Qadiani: The person who formed the Qadiani movement.
This detailed breakdown should provide a solid understanding of the key events and figures discussed in the text. Let me know if you have any other questions!

The Tablighi Jamaat Schism

The Tablighi Jamaat, a Deobandi sect, has experienced a significant split in recent years, leading to internal conflict and division [1, 2]. Here’s a breakdown of the key aspects of this schism based on the provided sources:

Origins and Early Growth:
- The Tablighi Jamaat was started by Ilyas Kandhalvi, with the goal of teaching basic Islamic practices [1, 3].
- It became a large organization with centers established in 170 countries [3].
- The Jamaat is known for its commitment to preaching and personal sacrifice, with members often using their own money to travel and spread their message [3].
- They focus on teaching basic practices like ablution and prayer, and their work is considered effective [3].
The Split:
- Internal Division: Over the last nine years, the Tablighi Jamaat has been divided into two groups: one focused on the building system and the other on the Shura (council) [1].
- Public Disagreement: This division became very public in December 2024 during the annual gathering in Tongi, Bangladesh, when clashes between the two factions resulted in casualties [1, 4].
- Accusations: The two groups have engaged in mutual accusations. The Shura group, based in Raiwind (Pakistan), has accused Maulana Saad Kandhalvi’s group of being Indian agents [4]. Maulana Saad Kandhalvi’s group is referred to as “Saadiani” by the other group, which is a derogatory term that sounds similar to “Qadiani,” a group considered heretical by many Muslims [2].
- Centers of Division: The split is evident in different centers globally. The main centers are in Tongi (Bangladesh), Raiwind (Pakistan), and Nizamuddin (India), with the Nizamuddin center being associated with Maulana Saad Kandhalvi [1, 4].
- Leadership Dispute: The conflict is rooted in a disagreement over leadership succession following the death of Maulana Inamul Hasan in 1995. A ten-member council was supposed to choose a new leader, but this did not happen [5, 6]. In 2016, Maulana Saad Kandhalvi declared himself the Amir (leader), which was not accepted by the Shura [6].
Key Figures and Their Roles:
- Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi: Founder of Tablighi Jamaat [1, 7]. He passed away in 1944 [7].
- Yusuf Kandhalvi: Son of Ilyas Kandhalvi, who served as Amir for 21 years and died in 1965 [8].
- Maulana Haroon Kandhalvi: Son of Yusuf Kandhalvi, who was not chosen as the next Amir [5, 8].
- Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi: A nephew of Maulana Ilyas Kandhalvi and cousin of Yusuf Kandhalvi. He chose his son-in-law, Maulana Inamul Hasan, as Amir instead of Maulana Haroon Kandhalvi [5]. He wrote the book Virtues of Deeds, which is now not read by the group led by Maulana Saad Kandhalvi [3, 9].
- Maulana Inamul Hasan: Son-in-law of Sheikh Zakaria Kandhalvi, who served as Amir for 30 years (1965-1995) [5].
- Maulana Saad Kandhalvi: A descendant of Ilyas Kandhalvi and the leader of one of the two factions. He is in charge of the Nizamuddin center in India [10].
- Haji Abdul Wahab: A senior member of the Shura who opposed Maulana Saad Kandhalvi’s claim to leadership [6, 10]. He died in 2018 [10].
Impact of the Split:
- Clashes and Casualties: The dispute has resulted in physical clashes and casualties [4, 11].
- Division of Followers: The majority of the Tablighi Jamaat is with the Shura group centered in Raiwind [10]. The common members of the Tablighi Jamaat are not fully aware of the split [12].
- Accusations of Sectarianism: The conflict is seen as part of a broader issue of sectarianism within Islam [11].
Underlying Issues:
- Sectarian Tensions: The split is partly due to long-standing tensions between Deobandi and Barelvi sects. The speaker mentions that he hated the Tablighi Jamaat when he was younger because they belonged to the Deobandi sect [2].
- Controversial Books: The group led by Maulana Saad Kandhalvi no longer uses books like Virtues of Deeds, which is considered controversial [3, 9].
- Leadership Disputes: A major issue is the lack of clear succession process within the Tablighi Jamaat [5].
In conclusion, the Tablighi Jamaat’s split is a complex issue involving leadership disputes, sectarian tensions, and disagreements over practices. The division has led to physical conflict and has caused concern among Muslims [3, 4].

Sectarianism in Islam

Sectarianism within Islam is a significant issue, characterized by divisions and conflicts among different groups [1, 2]. The sources highlight several aspects of this problem, including its historical roots, its impact on Muslim communities, and the different perspectives on it [3-5].

Historical Roots of Sectarianism
- Early Divisions: The sources suggest that the seeds of sectarianism were sown early in Islamic history [6].
- After the death of the Prophet Muhammad, political disagreements led to the emergence of the Sunni and Shia sects [6].
- The rise of different schools of thought (madhhabs) also contributed to the divisions, although they initially did not cause as much conflict [3].
- Deobandi and Barelvi: A major split occurred with the emergence of the Deobandi and Barelvi sects in the Indian subcontinent. These two groups, both Sunni and Hanafi, developed from differing views on Sufi thought and Ahl al-Hadith teachings [3, 4].
- The establishment of the Deoband Madrasa and the Barelvi Madrasa further solidified this division [3].
- These groups have a long history of disagreement and conflict, with each not accepting the other as true Muslims [3].
Manifestations of Sectarianism
- Mutual Condemnation: The different sects often accuse each other of being misguided or even outside the fold of Islam [3, 7].
- The Barelvi’s issued fatwas of infidelity against Deobandi scholars [4].
- The Deobandis and Barelvis are not ready to accept the other as Muslim [3].
- Accusations and derogatory terms are used against each other, such as “Saadiani” to describe followers of Maulana Saad Kandhalvi, which is a word that is meant to sound like “Qadiani,” a group considered heretical [3, 8].
- Physical Conflict: Sectarian tensions have sometimes resulted in physical violence, as seen in the clashes within the Tablighi Jamaat [2, 8].
- Members of one group of Tablighi Jamaat attacked members of another group, resulting in deaths and injuries [8].
- Mosques are sometimes declared as “Masjid Darar,” (a mosque of the hypocrites) by opposing groups [9].
- Intolerance: The sources suggest that sectarianism leads to intolerance and a lack of respect for different views within the Muslim community [7, 10].
- Sectarian groups are more focused on defending their own positions and attacking others [7].
- This is demonstrated by the practice of some groups of throwing away prayer rugs of other groups in mosques [2, 9].
Different Perspectives on Sectarianism
- Sectarian Identity: Each sect often views itself as the sole possessor of truth, with the other groups being misguided [7].
- Ahl al-Hadith consider themselves to be on the path of tawheed (oneness of God) [7].
- Barelvis see themselves as the “contractors of Ishq Rasool” (love of the Prophet) [7].
- Deobandis claim to defend the Companions of the Prophet, although they will not discuss aspects of their history that do not support their point of view [7].
- The Quran’s View: The sources emphasize that the Quran condemns sectarianism and division [5].
- The Quran urges Muslims to hold fast to the “rope of Allah” and not to divide into sects [5].
- The Quran states that those who create sects have nothing to do with the Messenger of Allah [5].
- Critique of Sectarianism: The speaker in the sources critiques sectarianism, arguing that it is a curse and that all sects should be considered as Muslims [2].
- He suggests that unity should be based on scholarly discussion, rather than on forming exclusive groups [10].
- He also believes that groups often focus on their own particularities, while ignoring the foundational values of Islam. [7]
- The speaker says that the Imams did not spread sectarianism; it is the fault of the followers of the Imams [6].
The Role of the Quran and Sunnah
- The Straight Path: The sources highlight the importance of following the Quran and the Sunnah (Prophet’s practices) as the “straight path” [11, 12].
- This path is contrasted with the “crooked lines” of sectarianism and division [11].
- The sources argue that the Quran and the Sunnah are the core sources of guidance [13, 14].
- Interpretation: Differences often arise from the interpretation of the Quran and Sunnah, which are used to justify sectarian differences. [15]
- Each sect has its own translation of the Quran, leading to varying understandings [16].
- Some groups emphasize adherence to specific interpretations of religious texts and actions, often based on the teachings of their own scholars, rather than focusing on the core teachings of Islam [15].
Conclusion Sectarianism in Islam is a complex and multifaceted issue with historical, theological, and social dimensions [5]. The sources highlight that sectarianism leads to division, conflict, and intolerance within the Muslim community [1, 2, 7]. They call for a return to the core principles of Islam, as found in the Quran and Sunnah, and for mutual respect and tolerance among all Muslims [5, 10, 11]. The sources emphasize that the Quran condemns sectarianism and that the true path is one of unity based on shared faith and not sectarian identity [5, 11, 12].

Islamic Jurisprudence: Sources, Schools, and Sectarianism

Islamic jurisprudence, or fiqh, is a complex system of legal and ethical principles derived from the Quran and the Sunnah (the teachings and practices of the Prophet Muhammad). The sources discuss several key aspects of Islamic jurisprudence, particularly how it relates to different interpretations and practices within Islam.

Core Sources of Islamic Jurisprudence:
- The Quran is considered the primary source of guidance and law [1, 2].
- It is regarded as the direct word of God and is the ultimate authority in Islam.
- Muslims are urged to hold fast to the Quran as a source of unity and guidance [3].
- The Sunnah, which encompasses the sayings and practices of the Prophet Muhammad, is the second most important source [2, 4, 5].
- The Sunnah provides practical examples of how to implement the teachings of the Quran [2].
- It is transmitted through hadiths, which are reports of the Prophet’s words and actions [2, 4].
- Ijma (consensus of the Muslim scholars) is another source of Islamic jurisprudence [6].
- It represents the collective understanding of Islamic law by qualified scholars.
- The sources mention that the ummah will never agree on misguidance [6].
- Ijtihad (independent legal reasoning) is the process by which qualified scholars derive new laws based on the Quran and the Sunnah when there is no clear guidance in the primary sources [6].
- Ijtihad allows for the application of Islamic principles to new situations and circumstances [6].
- The sources point out that the door of ijtihad is open until the Day of Resurrection [1].
Schools of Thought (Madhhabs):
- The sources mention different schools of thought, or madhhabs, within Sunni Islam, including the Hanafi, Shafi’i, Maliki and Hanbali schools [7, 8].
- These schools developed as scholars interpreted and applied the Quran and Sunnah differently.
- The speaker indicates that these different Imams did not spread sectarianism, but their followers did [8, 9].
- The Hanafi school is particularly mentioned, as it is the school of jurisprudence followed by Deobandis, Barelvis, and even Qadianis [7, 10].
- The sources note that there is no mention in the Quran or Sunnah that Muslims must follow one of these particular schools of thought [8, 11].
- It is said that the four imams had their own expert opinions [8].
- The Imams themselves said that if they say anything that is against the Quran and Sunnah, then their words should be left [9].
Points of Jurisprudential Disagreement:
- The sources discuss disagreements over specific practices, like Rafa al-Yadain (raising the hands during prayer), which is practiced by those who follow the hadiths from Bukhari and Muslim, but not by Hanafis [12].
- The speaker in the source says that he follows the method of prayer from Bukhari and Muslim [10].
- Hanafis, in contrast, do not perform Rafa al-Yadain [10, 12].
- The sources indicate that different groups within Islam have varying interpretations of what constitutes proper Islamic practice [12].
- For instance, some groups emphasize the importance of specific rituals, while others focus on different aspects of faith [13].
- The source suggests that sectarianism arises because each sect has its own interpretation of the Quran and Sunnah [5].
- Differences in jurisprudence are often related to different understandings of what is considered Sunnah [12].
- The speaker points out that there are different types of Sunnah [12].
- The practice of kissing the thumbs is also a point of difference. The Barelvis kiss their thumbs, while the Deobandis do not. The source explains that this is a point of disagreement even within Hanafi jurisprudence [14].
- The speaker also says that both are incorrect in light of the Quran and Sunnah [14].
Ijtihad and Modern Issues
- The source states that the door of Ijtihad remains open until the Day of Judgment and that it is a beauty of Islam that allows people in different locations to address issues that are not directly covered in the Quran and Sunnah [1].
- Ijtihad is considered necessary to address contemporary issues that did not exist at the time of the Prophet, such as those related to technology or modern life [1, 6].
- Examples include issues of blood donation, praying in airplanes, and other contemporary matters [6].
- The need for ijtihad allows the religion to remain relevant across time and cultures.
- The sources mention that the scope of Ijtihad is limited to issues on which there is no consensus, and it does not contradict the Quran or Sunnah [1, 6].
- The source says that Ijtihad should be performed by a wise person who is familiar with the proper process [6].
Emphasis on the Quran and Sunnah
- The sources consistently emphasize the importance of the Quran and Sunnah as the primary sources for guidance [1, 2, 5].
- It states that all actions must be in accordance with the Quran and Sunnah [1].
- The Prophet emphasized the importance of holding fast to the Quran and Sunnah [2].
- The source indicates that the Quran and Sunnah should be considered the main source of information about religion [11].
- The speaker indicates that the Sunnah is essential for understanding and practicing Islam. The method of prayer is not described in the Quran, but comes from the Sunnah [2].
The Problem of Sectarianism and Jurisprudence
- The source also suggests that sectarianism is a result of differences in jurisprudential interpretations and an over-emphasis on the opinions of specific scholars and imams [9, 13].
- The speaker emphasizes that sectarianism is a curse and that Muslims should avoid it [3, 7].
- He stresses the importance of focusing on the core values of the Quran and Sunnah.
- He also suggests that each group should engage in intellectual discussion and not condemn others [3, 13].
- He states that the Imams did not spread sectarianism; the fault is with their followers [8, 9].
In summary, Islamic jurisprudence is a rich and complex system based on the Quran and the Sunnah, which is interpreted and applied through Ijma and Ijtihad. The sources show how this process has led to different schools of thought and varying interpretations of Islamic law and practice. While there is space for scholarly disagreement and the need to address contemporary issues, the sources also emphasize the need to avoid sectarianism and adhere to the core principles of the Quran and Sunnah.

Quranic Interpretation and Sectarianism

Quranic interpretation, or tafsir, is a crucial aspect of Islamic scholarship, involving the explanation and understanding of the Quran’s verses [1]. The sources discuss how different approaches to Quranic interpretation have contributed to sectarianism and varying understandings of Islam.

Importance of the Quran:
- The Quran is considered the direct word of God and the primary source of guidance in Islam [2, 3].
- The sources emphasize the Quran as a source of unity, urging Muslims to hold fast to it [4].
- It is considered a complete guide for humanity [5].
- The Quran is the ultimate authority, and the Sunnah explains how to implement the Quranic teachings [3].
Challenges in Quranic Interpretation:
- The sources point out that differences in interpretation of the Quran are a major source of sectarianism [1, 5].
- Each sect often has its own translation of the Quran, leading to varying understandings and disputes [1].
- Some groups emphasize the literal reading of the Quran and Sunnah, while others focus on more metaphorical or contextual interpretations [1, 6, 7].
- The Quran was meant to end differences between people, not create them. [1].
The Role of the Sunnah:
- The Sunnah, which encompasses the sayings and practices of the Prophet Muhammad, is essential for understanding and practicing Islam [3].
- The method of prayer, for example, is not fully described in the Quran, but comes from the Sunnah [3].
- The sources emphasize that the Sunnah is a necessary complement to the Quran, clarifying and elaborating on its teachings [3].
- Both the Quran and the Sunnah should be followed as sources of guidance [3].
The Problem of Sectarian Interpretations
- The sources criticize the tendency of some groups to prioritize their own interpretations and traditions over the core message of the Quran [8].
- Sectarian groups often consider their own interpretations as the only correct ones.
- The speaker in the source notes that many Muslims read the Quran in Arabic without understanding its meaning, leading to misinterpretations and manipulations by religious leaders [1, 5].
- Some groups emphasize the teachings of their own scholars and imams, while ignoring the core teachings of Islam from the Quran and Sunnah [8-10].
- The source suggests that the Imams did not spread sectarianism; it is the fault of their followers [2, 11].
- Sectarian interpretations of the Quran are seen as a deviation from the intended purpose of the scripture. [9]
- Some groups reject valid hadith and only accept the teachings of their own imams, even when the imams’ teachings are not based on the Quran and Sunnah [12].
The Correct Approach to Interpretation
- The speaker emphasizes the importance of directly engaging with the Quran and Sunnah rather than relying on interpretations of religious clerics or scholars [10].
- The sources suggest that the Quran is meant to be understood, not just recited without comprehension [1, 5].
- There is a call for a return to the core principles of the Quran and Sunnah, without sectarian biases [3].
- The sources suggest that scholarly discussion and intellectual engagement, rather than dogmatic adherence to specific interpretations, are necessary for proper understanding [9].
- The sources refer to a hadith that calls for the community to refer to the Quran and Sunnah when there is a dispute [3, 13].
- The speaker believes that the Quran is meant to unite people, not divide them [1].
Historical Context and the Quran
- The sources also suggest that the Quran must be understood in its historical context.
- The speaker explains that the Quran was meant to be a guide for all people and that Muslims should not be like those who recite it without understanding [1].
Ijtihad and Interpretation
- The sources also touch on the role of ijtihad, or independent reasoning, in interpreting the Quran.
- Ijtihad is used to interpret Islamic law when there is no direct guidance in the Quran or Sunnah [14].
- The door of ijtihad is open until the Day of Judgment to address contemporary issues that did not exist at the time of the Prophet [15].
- Ijtihad should be performed by a qualified scholar and should not contradict the Quran or Sunnah [14].
In summary, Quranic interpretation is a critical aspect of Islamic practice, but it is also a source of sectarianism due to differences in how the text is understood. The sources call for a return to the Quran and Sunnah, and for direct engagement with the scripture, as well as an understanding of its original historical context. The sources emphasize the importance of using both the Quran and the Sunnah as guides and stress that the Quran is meant to be understood and not simply recited, while discouraging reliance on specific interpretations of religious clerics and scholars, in order to avoid sectarianism.

Islamic Unity: Challenges and Pathways

Religious unity is a significant theme in the sources, particularly in the context of Islam, where sectarianism and division are identified as major challenges. The sources emphasize the importance of the Quran and Sunnah as unifying forces, while also discussing the obstacles to achieving true unity among Muslims.

Core Principles for Unity
- The Quran is presented as the primary source of unity [1]. It is considered the direct word of God and the ultimate authority in Islam [2, 3].
- Muslims are urged to hold fast to the Quran as a source of guidance and unity [1].
- The Quran is meant to end differences between people, not create them [4].
- The Sunnah, the teachings and practices of the Prophet Muhammad, is also crucial for unity [3].
- The Sunnah is a necessary complement to the Quran, clarifying and elaborating on its teachings [3].
- Both the Quran and the Sunnah should be followed as sources of guidance [3].
- The concept of Ijma (consensus of Muslim scholars) is also mentioned as a source of unity, representing the collective understanding of Islamic law [5].
- The sources state that the ummah will never agree on misguidance [5].
- The sources emphasize that all Muslims are brothers and sisters and that they should respect each other [1, 6].
Obstacles to Unity
- Sectarianism is identified as a major obstacle to religious unity [1].
- The sources note that sectarianism arises from differences in interpretations of the Quran and Sunnah, as well as from the overemphasis on the opinions of specific scholars [1, 7].
- Each sect often has its own translation of the Quran, leading to varying understandings and disputes [4].
- The sources criticize the tendency of some groups to prioritize their own interpretations and traditions over the core message of the Quran [8].
- The speaker emphasizes that sectarianism is a curse and that Muslims should avoid it [1, 6].
- The sources suggest that many Muslims read the Quran in Arabic without understanding its meaning, leading to misinterpretations and manipulations by religious leaders [4, 9].
- Blind adherence to the opinions of religious clerics and scholars is also seen as a cause of disunity [4, 10].
- The source suggests that the Imams did not spread sectarianism; it is the fault of their followers [1, 7, 11-13].
- Internal conflicts and disputes within religious groups further exacerbate the problem [14].
- The sources describe how disagreements within the Tablighi Jamaat led to its division into two factions, resulting in violence and animosity [2, 6, 12, 14, 15].
- The sources also mention historical events, such as the conflict between the Deobandis and Barelvis and the Sunni and Shia split, as examples of how political and theological disagreements can lead to division [11, 16, 17].
Pathways to Unity
- The sources stress the importance of focusing on the core values of the Quran and Sunnah, rather than getting caught up in sectarian differences [1, 3, 5, 18].
- Muslims should engage directly with the Quran and Sunnah, rather than relying on interpretations of religious clerics or scholars [4, 10].
- Intellectual discussion and engagement, rather than condemnation of others, are necessary for proper understanding [8, 12].
- The source suggests that each group should engage in intellectual discussion and not condemn others [12].
- The sources emphasize the importance of tolerance and mutual respect among different groups [8, 11, 14].
- Muslims should avoid labeling others as “hell-bound” [8].
- The sources suggest that a recognition of the diversity of interpretations is necessary [8, 12].
- The source states that the ummah cannot come together on one platform and that it should give space to everyone [12].
- The sources point to the need for Ijtihad to address contemporary issues, which may contribute to a sense of shared understanding and engagement with faith in modern contexts [5, 19].
- The source notes that the door of ijtihad is open until the Day of Judgment and that it is a beauty of Islam that allows people in different locations to address issues that are not directly covered in the Quran and Sunnah [5, 19].
Emphasis on Shared Humanity
- The sources highlight the importance of recognizing the shared humanity of all people and avoiding sectarianism and prejudice.
- The source states that there is no prophet after the Prophet Muhammad and that Muslims should focus on the Quran and Sunnah [12].
- The speaker emphasizes that despite differences in interpretation, all sects of Islam are considered Muslim [8].
- The goal should be to foster unity based on the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah, while respecting the diversity of perspectives [12].
In conclusion, the sources present a complex view of religious unity, acknowledging both the unifying potential of the Quran and Sunnah, and the divisive forces of sectarianism and misinterpretations. The path to unity, according to the sources, lies in a return to the core principles of Islam, fostering intellectual engagement, and promoting tolerance and mutual respect, while avoiding sectarianism and prejudice.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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August 28, 2025
13 Easy Ways To Deal With Someone Who Thinks They Know Everything
We’ve all encountered that one person who seems to have an answer for everything. Whether at work, in social settings, or even within our families, dealing with someone who believes they know everything can be exhausting. Their overconfidence can stifle conversations, leaving you feeling unheard and overshadowed. But, instead of letting these encounters drain your energy, there are ways to navigate them gracefully.

Dealing with a know-it-all is not about proving them wrong; it’s about managing the situation to keep your peace of mind intact. The key lies in understanding their behavior and employing strategies that allow for healthier communication. By staying calm and asserting yourself, you can maintain control of the conversation without getting caught up in their need for validation.

In this post, we’ll explore 13 practical ways to handle people who think they know it all. These tips will not only help you stay composed but will also teach you how to engage productively, turning potentially frustrating interactions into opportunities for personal growth.

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1. Keep Your Cool and Stay Calm

One of the most important strategies when dealing with a know-it-all is to maintain your composure. Their arrogance and need to dominate a conversation can be infuriating, but reacting emotionally often exacerbates the situation. By keeping your emotions in check, you project confidence and control. This calm demeanor can also help disarm the know-it-all’s overbearing nature, creating a space where healthier dialogue can occur. Taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself that their behavior reflects their insecurities can be key in maintaining your peace of mind.

Furthermore, responding with calmness can have a ripple effect. People who display a “know-it-all” attitude often feed off emotional reactions from others, and by staying composed, you deprive them of that satisfaction. This emotional detachment also allows you to focus more on the substance of the conversation rather than getting sidetracked by their overconfidence. A quote by Lao Tzu resonates here: “A person who masters calmness masters life.” Staying calm isn’t just beneficial in managing the interaction but also contributes to your emotional well-being.

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2. Acknowledge Valuable Input

Though it may seem counterintuitive, giving credit where it’s due can shift the dynamics when dealing with a know-it-all. Sometimes, they might provide insightful information, and by acknowledging their contributions, you can reduce their defensiveness. When they feel validated, they’re less likely to continue over-explaining or monopolizing the conversation. This also shows maturity on your part, demonstrating that you are willing to listen and recognize good ideas regardless of the source.

By giving genuine praise, you create an opening for a more balanced dialogue. Remember, you don’t have to agree with everything they say, but recognizing valid points can help build a rapport. Author Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, emphasizes the importance of appreciation, noting that people crave recognition. This approach can shift the conversation away from a one-sided lecture to a more collaborative exchange.

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3. Set Boundaries in the Conversation

A vital step in managing conversations with a know-it-all is to assert yourself and set boundaries. Often, they may not even realize they’re dominating the discussion. Politely but firmly, it’s essential to remind them that conversations are a two-way street. You can acknowledge their point of view while also making it clear that your opinions are equally important. This assertiveness doesn’t have to be confrontational but can be framed as a gentle reminder that everyone deserves a voice.

Boundary setting not only helps restore balance in the conversation but also reinforces your self-respect. When you set boundaries, you’re communicating that you’re an active participant and not merely a passive listener. In his book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud explains that boundaries are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, as they prevent one-sided interactions. By applying this principle, you ensure that conversations remain respectful and that your thoughts are heard.

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4. Avoid Arguments and Don’t Take It Personally

Engaging in an argument with a know-it-all can feel like a never-ending loop. They often see disagreements as a challenge to their intellect, and debating them can lead to frustration rather than resolution. The key is to recognize that their need to always be right stems from personal insecurities, not the merit of the discussion. Instead of getting drawn into an argument, it’s often more productive to steer the conversation away from confrontation. It’s important to remind yourself that their behavior isn’t about you, but about their need for validation. By not taking their comments personally, you can detach yourself emotionally from the situation. This allows you to respond with more objectivity and focus on maintaining a constructive dialogue. Renowned psychiatrist Dr. Carl Jung once said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” By understanding the underlying motivations of a know-it-all, you can approach interactions with empathy, choosing to prioritize peace over proving a point.

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5. Redirect the Conversation

One effective way to manage conversations with a know-it-all is to gently redirect the discussion when it becomes monopolized by their opinions. By introducing a new topic or asking a question that invites others to share their views, you can shift the focus away from the know-it-all’s dominance. This subtle shift creates space for others to contribute, fostering a more balanced and inclusive conversation. It’s a way to diffuse the tension and prevent the interaction from becoming a one-sided lecture.

Redirecting the conversation doesn’t have to be abrupt or confrontational. Instead, it can be framed as curiosity about another angle or subject. This not only helps to include others but also signals to the know-it-all that you value diverse perspectives. In The Art of Conversation by Catherine Blyth, it’s emphasized that great conversations are built on give-and-take. By guiding the conversation away from their control, you encourage a more dynamic and enriching dialogue.

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6. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood

When dealing with someone who thinks they know everything, humor can be a strategic tool to alleviate tension. Know-it-alls often take themselves very seriously, and introducing light, well-placed humor can shift the tone of the conversation. A witty remark or playful comment can bring a sense of relief, turning a potentially confrontational discussion into a more relaxed exchange. However, it’s crucial to ensure that the humor is in good taste and not directed at the person, as this could escalate the situation.

Humor, when used tactfully, can create a more comfortable atmosphere for everyone involved. It acts as a bridge between differing opinions, allowing for a more enjoyable and less intense conversation. As Mark Twain aptly noted, “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” It not only lightens the mood but also enables deeper engagement by diffusing the know-it-all’s defensive stance. When used wisely, humor can transform a difficult interaction into a more enjoyable experience.

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7. Seek Common Ground

One of the most effective ways to diffuse tension with a know-it-all is to seek common ground. When you identify areas of agreement or shared interests, the conversation shifts from confrontation to collaboration. Finding commonality can humanize the interaction, reminding both parties that despite differences, they have mutual goals or experiences. This approach encourages the know-it-all to be less combative and more cooperative, making room for a productive exchange of ideas.

This strategy also builds rapport, allowing for a more open dialogue. Shared experiences or similar perspectives can serve as a foundation for trust, which may ease the know-it-all’s need to dominate the conversation. As Stephen Covey emphasized in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” By focusing on common ground, you pave the way for a more respectful and balanced conversation, enabling both sides to contribute meaningfully.

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8. Limit Your Time with Them Whenever You Can

In some cases, the best way to deal with a know-it-all is to minimize your exposure to them. If you find that their constant need to be right drains your energy or causes frustration, it’s important to establish boundaries. You don’t need to engage in every conversation they start. Choosing when and how you interact with them is a way to protect your emotional well-being. By limiting your time with them, you can avoid unnecessary stress and focus on more positive interactions.

Setting boundaries is not only about preserving your mental and emotional health but also about demonstrating self-respect. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman highlights the importance of managing relationships wisely. Sometimes, that means stepping back and choosing where to invest your time and energy. When possible, prioritize interactions that uplift you and avoid those that lead to frustration. By consciously managing your time with the know-it-all, you take control of your personal space and peace of mind.

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9. Focus on Learning, Not Winning

Shifting your mindset from trying to “win” a conversation to focusing on learning can make a significant difference when dealing with a know-it-all. Rather than viewing the interaction as a competition, approach it as an opportunity for growth. Know-it-alls often present their ideas with an air of certainty, but even amid their overconfidence, there may be useful insights to gain. By focusing on learning, you can extract valuable information or a new perspective, turning what might seem like an irritating exchange into a chance for personal enrichment.

This mindset shift also alleviates the pressure to prove yourself. Instead of becoming defensive or feeling the need to outsmart them, you can engage from a place of curiosity. As Socrates famously said, “True wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” Embracing this attitude allows you to stay open-minded, even when faced with someone who claims to know it all. By focusing on learning rather than winning, you foster a healthier, more constructive approach to these interactions.

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10. Reflect on Your Interactions with Them

After a conversation with a know-it-all, taking a step back to reflect on how the interaction unfolded is a valuable practice. Reflection provides insight into what strategies worked well and where improvements could be made in handling similar situations in the future. By assessing your behavior and responses, you can refine your approach, ensuring that you’re better equipped to maintain calm and assertiveness in the next encounter. This self-awareness leads to continuous improvement in your communication skills.

Reflection is not just about identifying mistakes; it’s also about recognizing progress. Celebrating moments when you successfully navigated a difficult conversation can boost your confidence. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, authors Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny stress the importance of self-reflection in fostering productive dialogue. By taking time to review your interactions, you gain a deeper understanding of how to effectively manage know-it-alls in future discussions.

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11. Talk About How You Feel, Not How They Act

One of the most effective communication techniques when dealing with a know-it-all is using “I” statements. Instead of accusing them of dominating the conversation, focus on expressing how their behavior impacts you. For example, saying, “I feel unheard when I can’t share my thoughts,” allows you to communicate your emotions without sounding confrontational. This approach promotes better understanding and encourages the know-it-all to reflect on their behavior without becoming defensive.

“I” statements also open the door to healthier, more empathetic communication. They create a non-threatening environment where the know-it-all might be more willing to listen. As psychologist Marshall Rosenberg explains in Nonviolent Communication, expressing feelings rather than making judgments fosters connection and mutual respect. By focusing on how you feel, you shift the conversation toward understanding and away from blame, paving the way for more constructive interactions.

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12. Empathize with Their Insecurities

Recognizing that a know-it-all’s behavior often stems from insecurities can help you approach them with greater empathy. Their need to assert themselves or be right may come from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy or a lack of self-confidence. While this doesn’t excuse their actions, understanding the root of their behavior can help you maintain patience and composure during interactions. Empathy allows you to see beyond their arrogance and recognize their vulnerability.

By approaching a know-it-all with compassion, you may be able to break through their defensive exterior and engage in more meaningful dialogue. As Dr. Brené Brown discusses in The Gifts of Imperfection, empathy is the key to building connections, even with challenging individuals. When you acknowledge their insecurities, you can respond with kindness, defusing potential conflict and fostering a more positive interaction. This approach helps transform difficult conversations into opportunities for mutual respect and understanding.

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13. Get Someone to Mediate if Necessary

When dealing with a particularly difficult know-it-all, involving a neutral third party can help restore balance to the conversation. A mediator or facilitator can ensure that everyone has an opportunity to speak, guiding the discussion in a more structured and fair manner. Mediators can also help manage emotions, preventing the conversation from becoming too heated. By having someone impartial and focused on constructive outcomes, the chances of reaching a mutual understanding significantly improve.

Mediators are especially useful in situations where the know-it-all consistently dominates or dismisses others’ perspectives. Having a neutral party can encourage the know-it-all to listen more actively and acknowledge the contributions of others. As Kenneth Cloke suggests in Mediating Dangerously: The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution, mediators can facilitate deeper understanding by reframing conflicts and fostering collaborative problem-solving. Involving a mediator shows that you are committed to resolving the issue fairly and with respect, benefiting everyone involved in the conversation.

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Conclusion

Mastering the art of staying calm, acknowledging valuable input, and setting boundaries are crucial when dealing with someone who thinks they knows everything. Each of these strategies helps to diffuse tension and encourages a more respectful exchange of ideas. Keeping your cool not only allows you to stay in control but also disarms the other person, making it easier for them to listen and engage constructively.

By acknowledging their valid points and asserting your own, you open the door to healthier conversations. Setting boundaries reinforces that communication is a shared responsibility, not a platform for one person to dominate. As these tips become second nature, you’ll find that your interactions with know-it-alls become less frustrating and more manageable.

Dealing with know-it-alls doesn’t always have to lead to frustration. By avoiding unnecessary arguments, redirecting conversations, and injecting humor into the discussion, you can create a more balanced and positive interaction. These strategies focus on maintaining control of the situation without escalating conflict. By recognizing that their behavior is not a reflection of you and using redirection or humor to shift the conversation, you protect your emotional well-being while promoting healthier dialogue.

Avoiding arguments ensures that the conversation stays focused on productive discussions rather than turning into a battle of egos. Redirecting the conversation invites others to share their thoughts, ensuring that communication remains balanced. Finally, humor serves as a valuable tool for defusing tension, making interactions more comfortable for everyone involved. Implementing these techniques allows you to handle challenging personalities with grace and tact.

Seeking common ground, limiting your time with know-it-alls, and focusing on personal growth rather than winning arguments are essential strategies for maintaining healthy interactions. By finding shared interests, you humanize the conversation, reducing the chances of conflict and increasing the potential for collaboration. These areas of agreement can create a foundation for a more respectful and meaningful exchange of ideas.

Limiting your interactions when necessary is another important aspect of managing your well-being. You are not obligated to engage with someone who consistently drains your energy. Prioritizing your mental health by setting boundaries ensures that you stay in control of your emotional landscape. Lastly, by focusing on learning instead of proving a point, you turn what could be a frustrating experience into an opportunity for growth. Together, these strategies allow you to approach difficult personalities with resilience and grace.

Reflecting on your interactions, using “I” statements, and approaching a know-it-all with empathy are essential steps in fostering better communication and reducing tension. Self-reflection helps you improve your responses and develop more effective strategies for future encounters. It’s a process of continuous growth that enhances your ability to remain calm and assertive, even in challenging situations.

By focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them directly, you create a more open and understanding environment. This shift in communication style can lead to more productive conversations, helping the know-it-all become more aware of their impact. Lastly, empathy plays a crucial role in these interactions. Understanding that their behavior may be rooted in insecurities enables you to maintain patience and compassion, leading to more respectful and balanced exchanges. Together, these strategies ensure that you handle know-it-alls with grace, resilience, and emotional intelligence.

Seeking mediation, when necessary, is a practical solution in dealing with know-it-alls in challenging situations. Reflection, empathetic communication, and boundaries work well in everyday interactions, but some conversations require a more structured approach. A mediator provides that structure, ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard and that the conversation stays productive.

By involving a mediator, you create an environment where fairness prevails, and conflict is managed with expertise. Whether in personal or professional settings, this step reinforces your commitment to healthy communication. Combining self-reflection, “I” statements, empathy, and mediation as needed ensures that interactions with difficult individuals remain as positive and constructive as possible. Each of these strategies not only improves your relationships but also protects your emotional well-being in the long run.

Dealing with someone who thinks they know everything can be a frustrating and exhausting experience, but with the right strategies, you can manage these interactions with grace and resilience. The key is to remain calm, set boundaries, and approach conversations with empathy and understanding. Techniques such as avoiding arguments, redirecting conversations, and using humor to defuse tension help maintain balance and keep the dialogue productive. Recognizing that even know-it-alls may offer valuable insights encourages you to stay open-minded and focus on learning rather than simply “winning” the conversation.

Equally important is managing your well-being by limiting time with individuals who consistently drain your energy. Using “I” statements to express how their behavior affects you can foster better communication while seeking common ground helps shift the dynamic toward collaboration. In particularly challenging situations, enlisting the help of a neutral mediator ensures that everyone’s voice is heard and promotes constructive outcomes. By combining these strategies, you can navigate difficult interactions with know-it-alls, turning potential conflict into opportunities for growth, understanding, and mutual respect.

In the end, handling these situations effectively not only improves your interactions with challenging individuals but also sharpens your communication skills and emotional intelligence. As you implement these tactics, you’ll be better equipped to maintain positive relationships while protecting your own mental and emotional health. The true victory lies not in outsmarting the know-it-all but in fostering a more respectful, balanced, and meaningful exchange of ideas.

Bibliography on Dealing with Know-It-All Persons
- Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
  Brown explores the power of vulnerability and empathy, which can be essential when dealing with difficult personalities such as know-it-alls. This book provides insights into developing resilience and understanding the root of certain behaviors.
- Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Simon & Schuster, 1936.
  A classic guide to improving social skills, this book offers timeless advice on handling challenging conversations, building rapport, and influencing others—skills that are invaluable when dealing with know-it-alls.
- Cloke, Kenneth. Mediating Dangerously: The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution. Jossey-Bass, 2001.
  Cloke’s work emphasizes the importance of mediation and conflict resolution in difficult situations, including those involving overbearing personalities. His strategies for facilitating discussions are highly relevant when engaging with know-it-alls.
- Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Free Press, 1989.
  Covey’s principles of active listening, seeking first to understand, and finding win-win solutions are essential for engaging with difficult individuals in a constructive and balanced manner.
- Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books, 1995.
  Goleman’s insights into emotional intelligence are critical when dealing with know-it-alls. Understanding and managing your emotions while interacting with difficult individuals can lead to more effective communication.
- Grenny, Joseph, et al. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill, 2002.
  This book provides practical tools for navigating high-stakes conversations, especially with difficult or dominating personalities. The focus on maintaining composure and encouraging productive dialogue is highly relevant to dealing with know-it-alls.
- Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press, 2003.
  Rosenberg’s approach to communication emphasizes empathy and understanding, essential when trying to connect with or diffuse tension in conversations with know-it-alls. His use of “I” statements encourages non-confrontational communication.
- Patterson, Kerry, and Grenny, Joseph. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill, 2002.
  This guide focuses on handling emotionally charged conversations effectively. Patterson and Grenny offer strategies for creating a safe space for dialogue, even with difficult individuals.
- Tannen, Deborah. The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue. Random House, 1998.
  Tannen critiques the adversarial nature of modern communication and suggests ways to foster more constructive dialogue. Her work is especially useful when dealing with know-it-alls who thrive on debates and confrontation.
- Ury, William. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Penguin Books, 1981.
  This book provides negotiation techniques that can be useful when engaging with know-it-alls. Ury’s strategies focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions and maintaining calm, assertive communication.
By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 26, 2025
12 Signs Someone In Your Life Is Extremely Mentally Strong, According to Psychology
Mental strength is a critical aspect of psychological well-being that enables individuals to navigate life’s challenges effectively. The concept of mental strength encompasses various traits and behaviors that distinguish resilient individuals from those who struggle with emotional and psychological difficulties. The following essay explores twelve signs that indicate someone possesses exceptional mental strength, drawing on psychological principles and research findings.

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1. Embracing Self-Acceptance

One of the foundational signs of mental strength is the ability to embrace self-acceptance. Many individuals grapple with the notion that they need fixing, which perpetuates a cycle of insecurity and negative self-image. Acknowledging that one is inherently whole and does not require improvement is essential for fostering a positive self-concept. Research from the Harvard Business Review (2021) emphasizes the benefits of self-acceptance and highlights the detrimental effects of excessive self-criticism, reinforcing the notion that mental strength begins with a healthy self-view.

2. Tolerance of Stressful Thoughts

Mentally strong individuals understand that stressful thoughts are a natural part of life. Rather than engaging with these thoughts, they choose to redirect their focus, effectively minimizing their impact. As Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford expert, suggests, embracing stress can lead to personal growth and resilience. This perspective allows mentally strong individuals to navigate challenges with a sense of empowerment.

3. Control Over Thought Processes

The ability to slow down thoughts is another hallmark of mental strength. By consciously regulating their breathing, individuals can manage anxiety and cultivate a more stable mental state. This practice not only reduces anxiety but also enhances overall cognitive clarity, allowing for more effective decision-making.

4. Letting Go of the Past

Strong individuals recognize that the past is merely a concept and does not define their present. Research from 2022 indicates that the capacity to let go of past experiences is linked to improved mental health. By releasing attachments to negative past events, individuals can live more fully in the present, fostering a greater sense of well-being.

5. Commitment to Physical Health

The connection between physical health and mental strength is profound. Regular exercise not only benefits the body but also enhances cognitive function and emotional resilience. By prioritizing physical well-being, mentally strong individuals create a solid foundation for their mental health, reducing vulnerability to negative thinking patterns.

6. Finding Lessons in Hardship

Adopting a stoic perspective, mentally strong individuals view hardships as opportunities for growth. Research from The Center for Creative Leadership shows that challenges can catalyze leadership development. By reframing difficulties as learning experiences, these individuals cultivate resilience and adaptability.

7. Awareness of the Thought-Behavior Gap

Mentally strong individuals understand the importance of the gap between thoughts and behaviors. They recognize that emotional responses can be regulated by allowing time and space between a triggering thought and their reaction. This emotional regulation is crucial for maintaining mental health and fostering healthy relationships.

8. Acceptance of Uncertainty

Life is inherently uncertain, and mentally strong individuals embrace this reality. Research indicates that those who can tolerate uncertainty are less likely to experience mental health challenges. By relinquishing the need for predictability, these individuals find peace and confidence in navigating life’s unpredictability.

9. Choosing Ease Over Stress

The perception of stress is often a product of individual thinking. Mentally strong individuals recognize that they have the power to choose ease and happiness, regardless of external circumstances. This internal locus of control empowers them to create a positive mental environment.

10. Processing Life Slowly

In a fast-paced world, mentally strong individuals understand the value of slowing down. By taking their time to process experiences, they cultivate mindfulness and connection to the present moment. This approach not only reduces anxiety but also enhances overall life satisfaction.

11. Differentiating Imagination from Rumination

Mentally strong individuals are adept at distinguishing between constructive imagination and destructive rumination. They harness the power of their thoughts for creative and positive outcomes while curbing excessive worry. This awareness allows them to maintain a healthy mental state and enhance their problem-solving abilities.

12. Mindful Awareness of Their Place in the World

Finally, mentally strong individuals possess a keen awareness of their surroundings and their role within them. This mindfulness enables them to experience life without judgment, reducing stress and fostering a sense of connection. By cultivating self-awareness, they can navigate their internal states and external environments more effectively.

Conclusion

The twelve signs of mental strength outlined above illustrate the multifaceted nature of psychological resilience. By embracing self-acceptance, managing thoughts and emotions, and fostering a mindful approach to life, individuals can cultivate mental strength and enhance their overall well-being. Understanding these traits not only helps individuals recognize their strengths but also inspires others to develop their mental resilience, ultimately leading to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Books
1. “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey
  Explores habits that contribute to personal and professional effectiveness, including mental resilience.
2. “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” by Daniel Goleman
  Discusses the role of emotional intelligence in mental strength and interpersonal relationships.
3. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown
  Focuses on embracing one’s vulnerability, which is often a sign of mental strength.
4. “Strong Enough: Changing Hearts and Minds” by Tara R. Gaffe
  Addresses how understanding mental strength can change perspectives on personal challenges.
5. “Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness” by Regine R. Garretty
  Offers insights into cultivating resilience, a key aspect of mental strength.
Articles
1. “The 13 Essential Traits of Mentally Strong People” – Psychology Today
  Discusses the foundational traits that contribute to mental strength.
2. “What Does It Mean to Be Mentally Strong?” – Verywell Mind
  A comprehensive overview defining mental strength and its characteristics.
3. “15 Signs of Mentally Strong People” – Healthline
  Lists and explains behaviors and mindsets that signify mental strength.
4. “How to Be Mentally Strong: The 5 Things Mentally Strong People Do” – Forbes
  Insights into the daily habits and practices of mentally strong individuals.
Research
1. “Mental Strength: The Key to a Productive Life” by Amy Morin – Journal of Psychological Research
  A study examining how mental strength affects productivity and well-being.
2. “The Role of Resilience in Mental Health” – American Psychological Association
  Investigates how resilience leads to greater mental strength and better coping mechanisms.
3. “Coping Strategies, Social Support, and Mental Strength” – International Journal of Psychology
  Explores the relationships between coping strategies, social support, and mental health outcomes.
These resources should provide a solid foundation for understanding the characteristics and signs of mentally strong individuals, as examined through the lens of psychology. If you need help accessing any specific article or more detailed summaries, let me know!

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 25, 2025
8 Reasons to Thank The People Who Hurt You Most In Life by Briana Wiest
Briana Wiest’s excerpt from The Art of Letting Go lists eight reasons to thank people who have hurt you. Wiest argues that difficult relationships, while painful, often lead to personal growth and self-awareness. She emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and acknowledging the lessons learned from challenging experiences. The text ultimately promotes the idea of finding peace and gratitude, even amidst past suffering, by understanding the role difficult people played in shaping the self.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Short Answer Quiz
1. According to the text, who are the most significant people in your life regarding hurt?
2. How do difficult relationships impact personal behavior?
3. What does the text suggest about emotional states, specifically, feeling “stuck?”
4. What role do people who cause us harm often play in our lives?
5. According to the text, how does pain contribute to self-recognition?
6. What is the connection between “supernova” and self-improvement?
7. What does it mean when the text refers to “choosing what we want in our lives”?
8. According to the text, what type of people are “wiser and kinder”?
9. According to the text, what is a significant outcome of enduring tough experiences?
10. How does one come to peace, according to the text?
Answer Key
1. The text indicates that the people who hurt us most are often the ones we were able to love the most.
2. The text suggests that difficult relationships push you to change your behavior for the better, sometimes in unexpected ways.
3. The text indicates that feeling stuck is a choice, and there are always options available to us, including the choice of how we react.
4. The text suggests those who cause us harm are often our teachers and catalysts for growth and change.
5. The text indicates that pain and challenging experiences can heighten self-awareness and lead to recognition of the good things.
6. The text suggests that by processing pain we transform into a “supernova” – a better, more realized version of ourselves.
7. The text suggests we have choices in what we experience and how we want to respond, recognizing what was wrong allows for self-improvement.
8. The text suggests the people who become “wiser and kinder” are those who acknowledge their pain and channel it into growth.
9. The text states that when we finally get past hurtful experiences we realize that we are worth more.
10. The text indicates peace comes from thanking people for the experience and recognizing how it made you learn and grow.
Essay Questions
1. Explore the paradoxical nature of painful relationships being instrumental in personal growth, as described in the text. How can the most harmful experiences become the greatest teachers?
2. Discuss the idea of “surrendering” in the context of the text. How does the acceptance of what we cannot control lead to greater self-understanding and peace?
3. Analyze the text’s argument that the people who hurt us most are also those we were able to love most. What implications does this have for how we approach love and relationships?
4. Evaluate the statement that “the wound” can be the source of enlightenment. How does confronting and understanding pain help us discover hidden aspects of ourselves?
5. How does the text reconcile the experience of pain with the idea that we are ultimately in control of our choices? Discuss the balance between passive acceptance and active creation of our own experiences.
Glossary of Key Terms
- Catalyst: A person or thing that precipitates an event or change; in the text, referring to those who cause us harm but spur growth.
- Self-recognition: The understanding and acknowledgment of one’s own qualities, feelings, and motivations; often achieved through reflection and hardship.
- Supernova: A metaphor used to describe a dramatic and transformative change, implying that pain can lead to a brighter, more realized version of oneself.
- Resentment: A feeling of anger or bitterness at having been treated unfairly; the text emphasizes finding peace over remaining in resentment.
- Surrendering: The act of relinquishing control or resistance, often in order to accept a situation or reality; leads to peace and growth.
- Transitory: Temporary or not permanent, referring to the temporary nature of some emotional states.
- Grace: A sense of ease, moving with compassion and understanding.
- Unhealed: Not recovered from injury, or wounds.
- Self-awareness: The conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires; developed through confronting painful experiences.
- Aftermath: The consequences or results that follow an event; refers to how we process difficult experiences.
- Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; important in the context of recognizing the value of even painful experiences.
Finding Gratitude in Pain: Lessons from “The Art of Letting Go”

Okay, here is a detailed briefing document analyzing the provided text excerpts from “combinepdf.pdf”:

Briefing Document: Analysis of “The Art of Letting Go” Excerpts

Document Source: Excerpts from “combinepdf.pdf” (specifically pages 72 and 74)

Date of Analysis: October 26, 2023

Overview:

This document analyzes excerpts from “The Art of Letting Go” focusing on the theme of finding growth and gratitude in relationships that have caused pain. The piece outlines 8 reasons why we should thank the people who have hurt us the most. The core message is that difficult relationships, despite the pain, can serve as valuable teachers and catalysts for personal growth, self-awareness, and ultimately, the ability to appreciate the positive aspects of life.

Key Themes and Ideas:
1. Love and Hurt are Interconnected:
- The excerpt begins by acknowledging that the people who have hurt us most deeply are often the people we have loved the most. “We aren’t profoundly affected by people who aren’t already deeply within our hearts.” This highlights the vulnerability inherent in deep connection and suggests that hurt is a byproduct of that vulnerability.
- The text reframes the idea of being hurt as a potential opportunity for growth, calling it “a gift to know someone who was able to truly affect you, even if at first, it didn’t seem like it was for the best.”
1. Difficult Relationships Drive Behavior Change:
- The text proposes that difficult relationships force us to confront and change our own behavior. “Difficult relationships often push you to change your behavior for the better.”
- This implies that the pain experienced through challenging interactions often reveals aspects of ourselves that we need to address or improve.
1. Painful Experiences Provide Powerful Lessons:
- The text emphasizes that difficult experiences can be transformative, leading to growth and wisdom. “That relationship may have seemed almost unbearable at the time, but the feeling is transitory. The wisdom and grace and knowledge that you carried with you afterwards isn’t.”
- It further suggests that these painful experiences prepare us for future challenges by building resilience and understanding.
- “In the words of C. Joybell C., we’re all stars that think they’re dying until we realize we’re collapsing into supernovas – to become more beautiful than ever before. It often takes the contrast of pain to completely appreciate what we have; it often takes hate to incite self-recognition. Sometimes the way light enters us is, in fact, through the wound.” This powerful quote highlights the idea that intense pain can lead to a profound transformation and the emergence of something beautiful and powerful.
1. Accidental Teachers:
- The text argues that we must consider that those who hurt us are, in fact, our teachers. “You don’t come across these people by accident; they were your teachers and catalysts.”
- This reinforces the idea that every experience has the potential to teach us something about ourselves and the world, even difficult ones.
1. Personal Agency in the Aftermath of Pain:
- Despite experiencing negative actions from others, the text stresses our personal power in how we respond: “Even if it wasn’t your fault, it is your problem, and you get to choose what you do in the aftermath.”
- This places responsibility on the individual to process and learn from the experience and move forward in a way that is conducive to their well-being.
- This also includes choosing to not hold onto resentment. “To find wisdom in pain is to realize that the people who become ‘supernovas’ are the ones who acknowledge their pain and then channel it into something better, not people who just acknowledge it and then leave it to stagnate and remain.”
1. Transformation Through Growth:
- The text argues that the people who have been through hardship are often the kindest and wisest. “The people who have been through a lot are often the ones who are wiser and kinder and happier overall.”
- This implies that experiencing and overcoming hardship has a profound positive impact on personal character.
- They develop compassion and self-awareness. “They’re more conscious of who they let into their lives. They take a more active role in creating their lives, in being grateful for what they have and in finding reason for what they don’t.”
1. Deservingness and Self-Worth:
- The text argues that painful relationships often show us an unhealed part of ourselves, and that through these experiences we come to understand our inherent worth: “Those relationships didn’t actually hurt you, they showed you an unhealed part of yourself, a part that was preventing you from being truly loved.”
- This suggests that difficult times can help us realize we deserve better treatment.
1. Gratitude as a Path to Peace:
- The final point underscores the importance of gratitude as a means to achieve inner peace. “To fully come to peace with anything is being able to say: “Thank you for that experience.””
- It further explains the importance of understanding both how the negative experiences served us and what we have been left with as a result, focusing on what it taught rather than dwelling on the hurt.
Conclusion:

These excerpts from “The Art of Letting Go” present a thought-provoking perspective on difficult relationships. Instead of solely viewing them as sources of pain, they suggest that these relationships can serve as powerful catalysts for growth, self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of oneself and the world. The emphasis on personal responsibility, gratitude, and the idea of “teachers and catalysts” offers a compelling framework for finding meaning and transformation in the face of adversity. This approach encourages readers to actively engage with their past experiences and cultivate a more resilient and compassionate approach to life.

Finding Wisdom in Hardship

What is the primary benefit of experiencing hardship caused by others, according to the text?

Hardship experienced due to others can push you to change your behavior for the better. Difficult relationships can act as a catalyst for growth and improvement in your actions and reactions.

How does the text describe the impact of being hurt by people you care for deeply?

Those who hurt you most can have the biggest positive impact on your life. When someone you love is able to deeply affect you it shows their importance and impact, even if the effect is initially negative. These relationships and their influence are sacred and help you understand yourself.

What does the text mean by “accepting what was done to you”?

Accepting what was done to you implies recognizing that you cannot control others’ actions, and while the feeling may be difficult to endure, it is a choice to surrender the desire to control those actions and focus on what you can control. This process leads to finding peace with the situation.

What is meant by the idea that “people who hurt you are your teachers”?

Those who hurt you often teach you invaluable lessons about yourself and the world. These situations and relationships can reveal hidden parts of your character or teach you about who you are and how to treat others.

How does experiencing pain relate to self-recognition, according to the text?

Often the contrast of the pain to what you expect or believe you deserve helps to illuminate your own value. Hardships force you to realize how much you are worth. The pain can actually be the key to recognizing your own true worth and value.

What does the text suggest about the people who have been through a lot?

People who have been through a lot tend to be wiser and kinder. They’ve acknowledged their feelings and are more conscious of their lives, they often have a proactive role in creating their lives, and tend to take more responsibility for the bad they’ve experienced.

What does the text suggest about feelings of resentment toward those who have hurt you?

The text states that it is important to release feelings of resentment and channel that energy toward finding wisdom. The path to peace is to forgive others and recognize that there is another side to resentment. Resentment only stalls the healing process.

What is the ultimate conclusion one should draw after experiencing hardship, according to the text?

After fully understanding what you experienced and the lessons it provided you, you should truly come to peace with all that happened to you and be grateful. Ultimately, you should be able to thank others for what you have experienced, as this hardship ultimately taught you a crucial lesson.

Thank You for Hurting Me

The sources discuss thanking people who have hurt you most in life, and provides some reasons why you may want to do this [1, 2].

Here are the reasons:
- People who hurt you the most were also the people who were able to love you the most [1]. It is important to acknowledge that people who deeply affect you, even if it is painful, are also the ones who can truly affect you in a positive way [1].
- Difficult relationships can push you to change your behavior for the better [1].
- You learn and grow more from your experiences [1]. You learn how to be more compassionate, and gain wisdom and knowledge from your experiences that can be applied in the future [1, 2].
- You learn that you are not alone in your experiences [1]. These people can be your teachers and catalysts for growth [1]. You learn to recognize your worth and make choices that are best for yourself [1, 2].
- These difficult experiences can make you realize that you deserve more in life and that you are worthy of better treatment [2].
- People who have been through a lot are often wiser and kinder overall [2].
- You learn what you deserve [2].
- You can find peace by being able to say “Thank you for that experience.” [2] You are able to recognize what purpose a difficult experience served in your life, and how it has helped you grow [2].
The sources suggest that thanking people is not about forgiving or condoning their actions, but about acknowledging the lessons learned and the personal growth that resulted from the experience [1, 2].

Letting Go: Finding Peace After Pain

The sources discuss “letting go” in the context of moving on from painful experiences and difficult relationships [1, 2]. Here are some of the key ideas related to letting go:
- Letting go is about recognizing your worth. In feeling helpless, you can learn to take care of yourself, and in feeling used, you can recognize your worth [1].
- Letting go involves accepting what was done to you. This also means that no one can control the actions of others and that we can only control our own reactions. By surrendering the need for control, we can find peace [1].
- Letting go is a process. It can feel unbearable in the moment, but the feeling is transitional. The wisdom and grace you gain will be with you for the rest of your life. It sets a foundation for the rest of your life. The end results are more important than the pain, so you should be grateful for what you’ve been through [1].
- Letting go allows you to learn from your experiences. You can view people who hurt you as your teachers and catalysts for growth [1].
- Letting go can involve acknowledging your anger and hurt. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings of anger and pain, but also to choose what you do after that [1].
- Letting go involves recognizing your own role. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, which can lead to self-recrimination. You may need to be more compassionate with yourself and learn to see yourself in a more positive light [1].
- Letting go involves recognizing that you deserve better. Difficult relationships can show you the parts of yourself that need healing, and also that you deserve to be treated with respect [2].
- Letting go can lead to peace. By acknowledging that you deserve more, you can move toward a more peaceful state of mind [2].
- Letting go includes acknowledging the lessons learned. To fully move on from anything, you must be able to recognize what purpose the experience served, and how it made you better. You can then be grateful for both the good and the bad experiences in your life [2].
- Letting go is about wisdom and growth. Those who acknowledge their pain are often the ones who grow into being more compassionate, self-aware, wise and kind [2].
In summary, letting go is a process that involves acknowledging pain, learning from experiences, recognizing your own worth, and ultimately moving toward a more peaceful state of mind [1, 2].

Difficult Relationships: Growth and Self-Discovery

Difficult relationships can be a source of growth and learning, according to the sources [1, 2]. Here’s a breakdown of how the sources discuss difficult relationships:
- Difficult relationships can push you to change for the better [1]. These relationships can highlight areas where you need to grow and develop [2].
- These relationships can show you an unhealed part of yourself [2]. They can reveal aspects of yourself that need attention and healing.
- They can help you realize that you deserve to be treated better [2]. By experiencing what you don’t want, you become more clear about what you do want.
- Difficult relationships can be a catalyst for growth, acting as “teachers” [1, 2]. They offer opportunities for learning and development [1].
- These relationships can be very painful and make you realize that you are not alone in your suffering [1].
- Going through these experiences can help you learn how to be more compassionate and kinder, and gain wisdom and knowledge [1, 2].
- After experiencing a difficult relationship, you may be able to recognize that you are worth more and make better choices for yourself [1, 2].
- People who have been through a lot of difficult situations are often wiser and kinder [1, 2].
- It is important to acknowledge and process your feelings rather than ignoring them, including anger and resentment, and choosing what you do after the initial feelings [1, 2].
- To move on, you have to be able to recognize what purpose the relationship served and how it has helped you grow [2].
- The ultimate goal is to find peace by being able to say “Thank you for that experience” [1]. This signifies acceptance and integration of the lessons learned.
In summary, difficult relationships, though painful, can be important catalysts for personal growth and self-discovery. They can teach valuable lessons about yourself, your needs, and how to move forward with more wisdom and self-awareness.

Self-Compassion and Healing

The sources discuss self-compassion in the context of moving on from painful experiences and difficult relationships, and highlight that being compassionate with yourself is an important part of the healing process [1, 2]. Here’s a breakdown of how the sources relate to self-compassion:
- Recognizing your worth: The sources indicate that in feeling helpless or used, you can learn to take care of yourself and recognize your worth [1]. Self-compassion involves recognizing your own value and treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
- Accepting what was done to you: The sources explain that letting go involves accepting what was done to you, and realizing that you cannot control the actions of others [1]. Self-compassion encourages acceptance of your own experiences, including pain, without self-blame or judgment.
- Acknowledging your feelings: It’s important to acknowledge feelings of anger and pain [2]. Self-compassion means validating your feelings and allowing yourself to experience them without suppression.
- Recognizing your own role: The sources point out that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, which can lead to self-recrimination [2]. Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and treating yourself with the same understanding and kindness you would offer to a friend.
- Being compassionate with yourself: You may need to be more compassionate with yourself and learn to see yourself in a more positive light [2]. Self-compassion encourages a kinder and more positive inner dialogue.
- Realizing you deserve better: Difficult relationships can show you the parts of yourself that need healing, and also that you deserve to be treated with respect [2]. Self-compassion involves believing that you are worthy of love and respect, and taking steps to prioritize your well-being.
- Learning from experiences: The sources emphasize the importance of recognizing what purpose the experience served, and how it has helped you grow [1, 2]. Self-compassion involves learning from your mistakes and difficult experiences without self-criticism.
In summary, the sources suggest that self-compassion is an essential component of healing and growth, it helps you to recognize your worth, accept your experiences, acknowledge your feelings, and ultimately move towards a more peaceful state of mind [1, 2]. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to someone else who is going through a difficult time.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 24, 2025
What You Should Do When You Want To Run Back To Them by Kim Quindlen
Kim Quindlen’s The Art of Letting Go excerpt discusses the intense emotions following a breakup, specifically the urge to reconcile. The author explores the pain and temptation to return to the previous relationship, contrasting the immediate emotional turmoil with the eventual, albeit painful, healing process. Quindlen suggests that while returning might seem appealing, it comes at a cost, implying that enduring the pain allows for eventual growth and a better future. The passage uses relatable examples and metaphors to illustrate the complex feelings involved in letting go of a relationship.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Short Answer Quiz
1. According to the author, what is the common misconception about love that we are conditioned to believe?
2. How does real-life heartbreak differ from the way it is often portrayed in movies or TV?
3. What are some common behaviors people engage in when processing a breakup according to the author?
4. What does the author mean when she says “maybe this breakup is something you both need to mature, to understand yourselves as individuals?”
5. According to the author, what is the price of a breakup?
6. What does the author mean by “remanticizing your experience”?
7. Why is the author making the case that you will never know if you should have run back to them if you actually do?
8. What does the author mean when she says, “You’re not the star of the latest Nancy Myers film?”
9. According to the author, what should you do to allow yourself to fully heal from a breakup?
10. What is the main idea of the entire piece?
Answer Key
1. The common misconception is that love means “listen to your heart” and that you should always follow your feelings or impulses to be with someone. We are taught to believe in a storybook romance, ignoring that real-life situations are more complicated.
2. Unlike the highly dramatic and often quick resolutions in media, real-life heartbreak is a messy and uneven process, often without perfect endings. It involves moments of boredom, sadness, and isolation, which are rarely portrayed on screen.
3. When processing a breakup, people commonly engage in behaviors like cleaning the fridge, scrolling through Netflix, cleaning, sorting through junk mail, and sitting on the couch or at their desk. These activities are a way of dealing with emotions and filling the void.
4. The author is suggesting that breakups can be an important part of personal growth, allowing individuals to learn more about themselves and what they truly want out of life and relationships.
5. The price of a breakup is the need to fully experience the pain and grief, the “unappealing glory,” rather than trying to avoid it. You must feel all the feelings before you can fully recover.
6. The author is referring to the process of adding meaning to an experience that might be absent. It’s the idea that our minds will fill in gaps in stories, sometimes with “facts” that are untrue.
7. If you run back to your ex, you never get the chance to fully experience life apart and discover whether that was the right decision. You will never know what might have been because you didn’t give yourself the opportunity to discover it.
8. The author uses this to remind readers that real life is not like a movie and that you should be trying to live in the real world, instead of trying to live through a movie. You’re not trying to create the perfect romantic story; you’re trying to get through your real life.
9. To heal, one must allow themselves to fully experience all the emotions that come with a breakup, even if those feelings are unpleasant. One must allow the experience to “wash over you,” without resisting it.
10. The main idea is that heartbreak is a painful, but necessary, part of life that needs to be experienced to be fully overcome, and that trying to rush the process or avoid pain can ultimately be more detrimental to the healing process.
Essay Questions
1. How does the author’s perspective on romantic love challenge traditional narratives presented in media? Discuss the ways in which the author encourages readers to re-evaluate their expectations for romantic relationships.
2. Discuss the role of discomfort and pain in the process of healing from a breakup, as presented in this article. How can leaning into negative emotions contribute to personal growth, according to the author?
3. In what ways does the author juxtapose real-life experiences with idealized fictional portrayals of love and breakups? How does this comparison affect the reader’s understanding of their own experiences?
4. How does the author use the idea of a “five-minute character-building montage” to critique the quick resolutions of media portrayals? What does this suggest about the reality of personal growth and healing from heartbreak?
5. Explore the concept of “letting go” as discussed in the article. What actions does the author propose will help in this process, and what are the possible outcomes of accepting the reality of a breakup?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Equilibrium: A state of emotional balance or stability. In the context of the article, it refers to the disruption of this balance caused by a breakup.
- Remanticizing: The act of making something appear more romantic or ideal than it is in reality. In the context of a breakup, it means idealizing the past relationship.
- The Instinct: An automatic, unthinking urge. The author references the instinct to run back to an ex as one we are “conditioned” to have.
- Unappealing Glory: The paradoxical idea that the pain and messiness of a breakup, though unpleasant, are necessary for growth.
- Character-building Montage: The idea from film that suggests that people only need a short amount of time, and a montage, to fully heal.
- Three-dimensional: In the article, this means “real life” as opposed to a fictionalized character. The three dimensions are pain, boredom, and the beauty of living.
- The price of a breakup: This is the idea that you need to fully experience the sadness and grief to fully heal from the breakup. The price is that you have to sit with uncomfortable feelings.
Briefing Document: The Art of Letting Go

Key Theme: The sources explore the complexities of moving on from a relationship and the temptation to return to an ex-partner. The document emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and experiencing the full range of emotions associated with a breakup, rather than succumbing to the allure of a romanticized reconciliation [1, 2].

Core Ideas:
- The Illusion of Romanticized Reconciliation: The sources argue that the desire to run back to an ex-partner is often fueled by unrealistic portrayals of love seen in movies and television [1]. These portrayals emphasize grand gestures, quick fixes, and happy endings, which are not representative of real life [1]. In contrast, real life relationships have complex processes involving individual growth, uncomfortable feelings, and untidy resolutions that don’t fit into a 3-minute love song [1].
- The Importance of Experiencing Emotions: The document asserts that individuals must feel the full spectrum of emotions that follow a breakup, including sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. These feelings cannot be avoided by trying to quickly reconcile [1].
- Self-Reflection and Growth: You may be supposed to be alone, or to be with someone else [1]. There may be opportunities for individual growth and understanding that are lost by rushing back to a previous relationship. The sources emphasize that you need to figure out who you are and what you want in life without the influence of your previous relationship [1].
- The Pain of Moving On: The experience of moving on is described as difficult, painful, and sometimes boring [2]. This process is not a quick fix, but rather a period of time that has to be lived through in order to truly move on [2]. The source uses the phrase “you have to let it wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2]. The pain, however, is an important part of the process of personal growth [2].
- Trusting Your Gut: Despite the desire to return to an old relationship, the source emphasizes trusting yourself that you will eventually know what is the right thing to do [2]. The source states that you will eventually know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [2].
Key Takeaway: The sources suggest that while the impulse to run back to a past love may be strong, it is essential to allow yourself to fully experience your feelings, reflect on the reasons for the breakup, and learn from the experience. This approach can help you determine what is best for your own growth and well-being [1, 2].

Frequently Asked Questions: The Art of Letting Go

Q: Why do I want to run back to my ex?
- The sources suggest that the desire to return to an ex-partner is often fueled by a romanticized view of love, influenced by movies and television [1]. These portrayals don’t reflect real-life relationships, which are more complex and require individual growth, and untidy resolutions [1].
Q: What emotions are normal after a breakup?
- It is normal to feel a range of emotions including sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. The sources emphasize that you need to experience the full spectrum of these emotions rather than trying to avoid them [1, 2].
Q: What is the role of pain in moving on?
- Moving on is described as a painful, difficult, and sometimes boring process [2]. However, this pain is a necessary part of the process of personal growth [2]. The sources compare the experience to allowing emotions to “wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2].
Q: What should I do instead of trying to get back with my ex?
- The sources emphasize self-reflection and individual growth [1]. It may be the right time for you to be alone, or to be with someone else [1]. You should try to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of a past relationship [1].
Q: How do I know if I’m making a mistake?
- The sources suggest that you will eventually know what the right thing to do is. You will know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1, 2].
Q: What is the difference between a movie relationship and a real one?
- Movie relationships are often portrayed as quick, with dramatic declarations of love, and a resolution in a short time [1]. Real relationships, however, involve a more complex, sometimes uncomfortable, process of growth and untidy resolutions [1].
Resisting the Urge to Return to an Ex

The urge to run back to an ex-partner is a common experience, and the sources offer insight into why this feeling arises and how to navigate it.
- Romanticized View of Love: The sources suggest that the desire to return to an ex is often fueled by a romanticized view of love, influenced by movies and television [1]. These portrayals often depict grand gestures, quick resolutions, and happy endings [1]. Real-life relationships, however, are more complex, involving individual growth, uncomfortable feelings, and untidy resolutions that do not fit neatly into a short time frame or a three-minute love song [1].
- Emotional Processing: The sources emphasize that the breakup process requires experiencing the full range of emotions, such as sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. Trying to avoid these feelings by quickly reconciling may hinder the necessary emotional processing required for personal growth [1, 2].
- The Need for Self-Reflection: The sources suggest that the period after a breakup can be a time for self-reflection and individual growth [1, 2]. The need to be alone or to be with someone else is presented as a possibility, and the sources suggest that individuals should use the time to understand who they are and what they want, without the influence of the past relationship [1].
- Trusting Your Intuition: While the urge to run back may be strong, the sources emphasize the importance of trusting your own intuition [2]. The sources state that you will eventually know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [2].
- The Pain of Moving On: The process of moving on is described as painful, difficult, and sometimes boring, however, it is essential to allow yourself to feel these emotions, which the sources compare to “letting them wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2]. This is in contrast to the quick, easy fixes portrayed in movies and television [1, 2].
In short, the “run back” urge is a common feeling, but the sources argue that it is important to resist the temptation to rush back to an old relationship. By allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions, you may be better able to determine what is best for your own growth and well-being [1, 2].

Breakup Healing: A Journey of Self-Discovery

The sources offer a perspective on breakup healing that emphasizes the importance of experiencing the full range of emotions and focusing on personal growth, rather than seeking a quick fix or reconciliation [1, 2].
- Experiencing the Full Spectrum of Emotions: The sources emphasize that healing from a breakup requires feeling the full range of emotions, including sadness and isolation [1]. The sources suggest that it is necessary to experience these feelings rather than trying to avoid them, which may occur if an individual rushes back into the previous relationship [1]. The source uses the metaphor of allowing the emotions to “wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2].
- Time and Process: Healing is not a quick fix, but a process [2]. It takes time to move on, and this process can be painful and sometimes boring. It is a process that has to be lived through rather than avoided [2]. The sources suggest that “real life” is not like the relationships portrayed in movies, where a relationship is resolved in a 3-minute montage [1, 2].
- Self-Reflection and Growth: The sources suggest that a breakup can provide an opportunity for self-reflection and growth [1, 2]. You may need time alone, or to be with someone new, but the key is to use the time to better understand who you are and what you want without the influence of the previous relationship [1].
- Trusting Your Intuition: While the desire to return to the ex-partner may be strong, the sources suggest that you should trust your intuition [1]. The sources say that you will eventually know, “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1].
In short, the sources suggest that breakup healing is not about quickly finding a resolution, but rather about experiencing the full range of emotions, taking time for self-reflection and personal growth, and trusting your intuition to guide you towards the right path [1, 2].

Letting Go: Emotional Healing After a Breakup

The sources discuss letting go in the context of moving on from a past relationship, emphasizing that it’s a process of emotional experience, self-reflection, and trusting one’s intuition.
- Accepting the Full Range of Emotions: Letting go involves experiencing the full spectrum of emotions associated with a breakup, including sadness and isolation [1, 2]. The sources suggest that you shouldn’t avoid these feelings or try to rush the process [1]. It’s important to allow these emotions to “wash over you” rather than trying to suppress them [2].
- Moving On is a Process: The sources emphasize that moving on is not a quick fix [2]. It’s a process that takes time, and it may be painful and sometimes boring [2]. This is different from how relationships are portrayed in movies or TV, where breakups are resolved quickly [1, 2].
- Self-Reflection and Growth: Letting go provides an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth [1, 2]. The sources suggest that you may need time alone, or to be with someone else, but the time should be used to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of a past relationship [1, 2]. This involves figuring out your own life, not going back to a previous relationship, and letting go of the idea that you need that person in your life [1, 2].
- Trusting Your Intuition: Despite the urge to go back to an ex, the sources suggest trusting your intuition as you navigate the process of letting go [1]. The sources suggest that you will eventually know what the right thing to do is, and whether or not you should try to go back to that person, you will know “all in your gut” [1, 2].
- Real Life vs. Romanticized Relationships: The sources highlight that real-life relationships and breakups are not like those seen in movies and television shows [1, 2]. In real life, relationships are complex, and there is no quick resolution or a tidy happy ending [1, 2]. The process of letting go requires that you take the time to experience the emotions, rather than getting caught up in the “movie” version of a relationship [1, 2].
In essence, letting go is presented as an active process of experiencing the full range of your emotions, taking the time to grow and reflect on what you want in life, and trusting that you will know what is the right thing to do [1, 2]. It’s not about finding a quick resolution, but rather understanding yourself and your needs, and moving forward without the influence of the past relationship.

Healing From Heartbreak

The sources discuss emotional pain in the context of breakups, emphasizing that it is a necessary and unavoidable part of the healing process.
- Unavoidable Part of Healing: The sources state that experiencing emotional pain is an unavoidable part of healing from a breakup [1, 2]. It is important to feel the full range of emotions, such as sadness and isolation, rather than trying to suppress them or avoid them by rushing back to an ex [1]. The source suggests you have to “let it wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2], which is a metaphor for how you have to let the emotions affect you, even when you are doing mundane tasks.
- Not a Quick Fix: Emotional pain related to a breakup is not something that can be quickly resolved or avoided. The sources suggest that moving on is a process that takes time and involves experiencing pain [1, 2]. This contrasts with the way relationships are often portrayed in movies, where breakups can be quickly resolved in a montage [1, 2].
- Process of Growth: Although painful, emotional pain is a necessary part of personal growth and understanding [1, 2]. The sources imply that you cannot skip this part of the healing process, and you need to feel these emotions rather than trying to avoid them [1]. By experiencing the pain, you can learn more about yourself and what you want in life without the influence of the past relationship [1, 2].
- Trusting Your Intuition: Even when dealing with the emotional pain of a breakup, the sources suggest that you should trust your intuition, and you will eventually know what the right thing to do is [1, 2]. You will know whether or not you should go back to that person or not, but you will only understand that by going through the process of healing and feeling the associated pain [1, 2].
In short, the sources present emotional pain as an essential aspect of breakup healing. It is not something to be avoided or rushed through, but rather something to be experienced fully as part of the process of moving on, self-reflection and personal growth.

Healing After Heartbreak

The sources offer several life lessons related to relationships, breakups, and personal growth. These lessons emphasize the importance of experiencing emotions, self-reflection, and trusting your own intuition.
- Real Life vs. Romanticized Views: The sources emphasize that real-life relationships are not like the ones portrayed in movies or television [1, 2]. Real relationships are complex, require work and individual growth, and do not always have quick or easy resolutions [1]. The “movie” version of love often leads to unrealistic expectations and can make the natural ups and downs of a relationship more difficult to navigate [1].
- The Necessity of Emotional Processing: The sources highlight that it is essential to experience the full spectrum of emotions, including sadness and isolation, during a breakup [1]. These emotions should not be suppressed or avoided. The sources use the metaphor of allowing emotions to “wash over you” to illustrate that these feelings must be experienced to heal [2].
- Personal Growth Through Pain: The sources suggest that pain is a necessary part of the healing process and is linked to personal growth. The pain associated with a breakup should not be avoided, but rather embraced as a chance for self-reflection and understanding [1, 2].
- The Importance of Self-Reflection: Breakups can provide an opportunity to focus on self-reflection and personal growth [1, 2]. The sources suggest you may need time alone, or to be with someone new, but that time should be used to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of the past relationship [1]. It is important to make decisions based on your own needs and desires, rather than on the influence of a previous partner.
- Trusting Your Intuition: The sources emphasize the importance of trusting your intuition as you navigate the healing process [1]. You will know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1]. This emphasizes that you have an inner compass that you should pay attention to, rather than being swayed by outside influences, like what you see in movies or TV [1].
- Letting Go is a Process: The sources indicate that letting go is a process that takes time and is not a quick fix [1, 2]. It may involve feeling pain, discomfort, and sometimes boredom, and this must be experienced rather than avoided [2]. The process of moving on is an active process that requires experiencing the full range of emotions, growing as an individual, and trusting that you know the right path for you [1, 2].
In short, the sources suggest that life lessons from breakups involve understanding the difference between real-life relationships and romanticized views, allowing yourself to feel a full range of emotions, using the experience as a chance for self-reflection and personal growth, and trusting your intuition to guide you through the process.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 21, 2025
Here’s How To Stop Loving Them by Ari Eastman
Ari Eastman’s The Art of Letting Go offers guidance on moving past a romantic relationship. The text provides a step-by-step process for accepting the end, including acknowledging emotions, creating physical distance, and seeking support from others. Emphasis is placed on self-reflection and healthy coping mechanisms to achieve closure. The author encourages readers to allow themselves to grieve before moving forward. Ultimately, the book aims to help readers find peace and acceptance after heartbreak.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Quiz
1. According to the text, what is the first step in the process of stopping love for someone?
2. What does the author mean by the phrase “melancholy isn’t acting so loudly?”
3. What does the author recommend you do with the physical reminders of the relationship, like old pictures or mementos?
4. The text describes heartbreak as being like what kind of natural event?
5. The author suggests a very specific emotional approach during the “walk.” What is it?
6. What is the significance of the heart beating 100,000 times per day according to the text?
7. The author advises you to seek comfort in a particular type of entertainment. What is it?
8. What advice does the author give regarding reaching out to people in your life during heartbreak?
9. The text argues that “saying goodbye doesn’t mean everything ends.” What does this phrase mean in this context?
10. The author concludes that, even after trying to stop, you might still love the person, but where does she suggest keeping that love?
Answer Key
1. The first step is to convince yourself that stopping the love is the correct decision, embracing the fact that you’re supposed to move on.
2. It means that the deep sadness and longing aren’t as consuming and loud as they once were; there’s a growing distance from the pain.
3. The author recommends opening all the memories, scattering them around, and sitting with them, without trying to suppress the feelings they evoke.
4. Heartbreak is described as the “shattering” of a bond, similar to a natural event that can be both destructive and transformative.
5. The emotional approach is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, to listen to these feelings, and to accept them without judgment.
6. It’s a reminder that even though you are hurt, your body is still functioning, and that you are still alive and living.
7. The author recommends watching a comedy movie or special because laughter can release endorphins and can bring about healing.
8. The author advises to reach out to people who have been there for you and to tell them how much you value their relationships, emphasizing their importance in your healing.
9. It means that while the relationship has ended, the love you felt may continue to exist in some form, and that is okay.
10. She suggests that love can be kept as a “piece of love to stay forever,” as a “preserved painting” in the back of the chest, which signifies it is present, though not acting in daily life.
Essay Questions
1. Analyze the metaphor of the “strangling thought” in the context of the author’s instructions for ending love. How does this imagery inform the reader about the difficult transition being addressed?
2. The text suggests a mix of active engagement and passive allowance in the process of letting go. What does this approach tell us about the nature of emotional healing, as presented by the author?
3. Discuss the author’s use of physical action, like scattering memories and taking a walk, as tools for emotional processing. How do these concrete activities relate to the abstract idea of “letting go”?
4. The author writes that “Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to still love them.” What does this concession reveal about the author’s broader perspective on love, loss, and personal growth?
5. Compare and contrast the emotional “cure” presented by the author with other strategies for dealing with heartbreak that you have encountered through literature, personal experience, or general knowledge. How does the text position itself in relation to those other responses?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Melancholy: A pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause, but as used in the text, a lingering sad feeling associated with loss or heartbreak.
- The Shattering: The breaking of a significant bond, often associated with deep hurt and a sense of loss as the end of a relationship
- Haunting: The way memories or feelings of the past, specifically related to a relationship, linger and affect the present emotions.
- Preserved painting: A metaphor representing that lingering love can still exist but in a different space within the heart, not as a source of active hurt, but rather as a memory of the past.
- Strangling thought: The overwhelming, negative thoughts or feelings that prevent you from moving on, acting like a burden on the heart.
- Heartbreak: The emotional suffering associated with the end of a love relationship, often involving grief, longing, and sadness.
- Letting Go: The active process of releasing emotional attachment to the past relationship, which includes both grieving the loss and allowing a new path forward.
- Nostalgia: A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, often associated with positive feelings, but as used in the text, a tool to reflect and process.
- Wallowing: The act of dwelling on negative feelings, which, as described by the author, must be done, but only during a certain amount of time.
- The Walk: An intentional physical activity where the goal is to fully engage with a range of feelings in a setting of self-reflection, with the goal of acceptance and release.
Letting Go: A Guide to Moving On

Here is a briefing document based on the provided sources:

Title: The Art of Letting Go: A Guide to Moving On

Introduction: This document summarizes key concepts from the provided source material, focusing on how to stop loving someone and move on. The sources offer a practical guide, using vivid language and action-oriented advice [1, 2].

Key Concepts & Strategies:
- Acceptance of the Decision: The initial step in letting go involves acknowledging that the decision to stop loving someone is the correct one [1]. This marks a move away from the past and towards a future without them [1].
- Dealing with Memories:
- When attempting to move on, one must open up all the memories they are trying to forget and scatter them everywhere [1].
- The source suggests not to miss a single moment while engaging with the memories [1].
- The act of reviewing these memories is presented as a way of understanding and processing past emotions, rather than trying to suppress them [1].
- Emotional Processing:
- The source advises individuals to allow themselves to feel whatever they need to feel, as part of the healing process [2]. This may include sadness, anger, or grief, and that these feelings should be accepted [2].
- The source suggests that checking in with one’s self is an important step in the emotional process [2].
- Crying is acceptable [2].
- Actions for Letting Go:
- Physical Separation: The source recommends creating physical distance from reminders of the past relationship [1]. This includes not texting or calling and not focusing on their social media [1, 2].
- Self-Care: Going for a walk and engaging in self-care is encouraged [2]. While on the walk, the source recommends focusing on one’s self and listening to their feelings [2]. This includes making a promise to feel whatever comes up during the walk [2].
- Looking Ahead: When ready, one should think of calling someone, or five different people and tell them how much they value them [1].
- Reframing Perspective: The source material emphasizes reframing thoughts of the person or relationship [1]. The source suggest focusing on how the person should have acted better [1].
- Recognizing Resilience: The sources emphasize that even though it feels like your heart is broken, it’s still working [1]. The source uses strong imagery to convey this point, emphasizing the physical and emotional resilience of the individual [1].
- The Concept of ‘Ghosts’: The sources address the lingering presence of past relationships as “ghosts” and encourages those who are moving on to recognize them, think of them, and move past them [1].
- Understanding the End of Love: The source material acknowledges the potential for love to transform, suggesting that it can evolve into a “preserved painting” or a lasting echo [2]. The sources suggest that people may still find themselves loving someone, even after it is over [2].
- Moving Forward:
- It may be okay to still love them [2].
- The source suggests that individuals will “figure it out” [2].
Conclusion: The sources provide a multi-faceted approach to letting go of love, incorporating emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and positive actions. It acknowledges the difficulty of the process while offering strategies for moving forward.

Letting Go: A Guide to Moving On

Here is an FAQ based on the provided sources and our conversation history:

Q: How do I know if I’m ready to stop loving someone? A: According to the sources, the decision to stop loving someone is a conscious one, and you will convince yourself that it is the right decision [1]. This decision signifies moving on from the past and towards a future without that person [1].

Q: What should I do with all the memories I have of the person? A: The sources advise that you should open up all the memories you are trying to forget and scatter them everywhere [1]. You shouldn’t miss a single moment while engaging with the memories [1]. This is presented as a way of processing your past emotions, instead of trying to suppress them [1].

Q: What kind of emotions should I expect to experience, and how should I deal with them? A: The sources state that you should allow yourself to feel whatever comes up during the healing process, including sadness, anger, or grief [2]. You should accept these feelings and check in with yourself [2]. Crying is also acceptable [2].

Q: What specific actions can I take to help me move on? A: The sources suggest several actions:
- Create physical distance: Avoid texting or calling the person, and don’t check their social media [1, 2].
- Self-care: Go for a walk and use the time to listen to your feelings, and make a promise to feel whatever comes up [2].
- Reach out to others: When you are ready, call or text five people who are important to you and tell them how much you value them [1].
- Reframing Perspective: Focus on how the person should have acted better [1].
Q: What are “ghosts” in the context of letting go? A: “Ghosts” refer to the lingering presence of past relationships [1]. The sources encourage you to acknowledge these “ghosts”, think about them, and then move past them [1].

Q: Is it possible to still love someone after deciding to stop loving them? A: Yes, the source material acknowledges that love can transform, and it may be okay to still love them even after the relationship is over [2]. The love might become like a “preserved painting” or an echo [2].

Q: What if I feel like my heart is broken? A: The sources state that even if it feels like your heart is broken, it’s still beating and pumping [1]. This emphasizes the resilience of the individual despite the emotional pain [1].

Q: What is the final message of the sources regarding moving on? A: The sources suggest that you will “figure it out” [2]. They offer a multi-faceted approach that includes emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and positive actions to move forward [1, 2].

Letting Go: A Guide to Moving On

The sources offer a guide to stopping loving someone, emphasizing a combination of emotional processing, practical actions, and a shift in perspective [1, 2].

Here are some key aspects of the process:
- Making the Decision: The initial step is making a conscious decision to stop loving the person, convincing yourself that it is the correct decision [1]. This is a move toward a future without that person [1].
- Confronting Memories: When trying to move on, it is important to open up and engage with the memories you’re trying to forget [1]. The sources suggest not missing a single moment when engaging with these memories [1]. This process is a way of processing past emotions rather than trying to suppress them [1].
- Allowing Feelings: The process of letting go involves allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, including sadness, anger, and grief [2]. It is important to check in with yourself during this process, and crying is also acceptable [2].
- Taking Action: The sources outline several actions to help with moving on [1, 2]:
- Creating physical distance by avoiding contact and social media interaction [1].
- Going for a walk and using the time for self-reflection, and promising to feel whatever comes up [2].
- Reaching out to people who are important to you and expressing how much you value them [1].
- Reframing your perspective by considering how the other person could have acted better [1].
- Dealing with “Ghosts”: Past relationships can have a lingering presence, referred to as “ghosts” [1]. The sources suggest acknowledging these “ghosts” and then moving past them [1].
- Understanding Love: The sources suggest that love can transform, and it may be okay to still love the person even after the relationship is over [2]. This love might become like a “preserved painting” or an echo [2].
- Recognizing Resilience: Even if you feel like your heart is broken, it is still functioning [1]. The sources emphasize the physical and emotional resilience of the individual [1].
The final message of the sources is that while the process may be difficult, you will “figure it out” [2]. The sources provide a holistic approach that includes emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and positive actions to move forward [1, 2].

Letting Go: A Multifaceted Process

The sources discuss “letting go” as a multi-faceted process that involves emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and taking positive actions [1, 2]. It’s presented as a journey that requires acknowledging the past, processing present emotions, and looking forward to the future [1, 2].

Here are the key aspects of “letting go” as described in the sources:
- Decision and Acceptance: The process begins with the conscious decision to stop loving someone, which should be embraced as the right choice. This decision is a move towards a future without that person [1].
- Dealing with Memories: The source material suggests engaging with memories by scattering them around and not missing a moment. This approach encourages processing emotions associated with the past rather than suppressing them [1].
- Emotional Processing: The sources emphasize the importance of allowing oneself to feel a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, or grief. Checking in with oneself and accepting these feelings, including crying, is important for healing [1, 2].
- Practical Actions: To facilitate the letting go process, the sources recommend several practical actions [1, 2]:
- Physical Distance: Creating distance by avoiding texting, calling, and social media is advised [1].
- Self-Care: Going for walks and using the time for introspection and feeling whatever emotions arise is recommended [2].
- Reaching Out: Connecting with loved ones and expressing your appreciation for them can help move forward [1].
- Reframing Perspective: Reframing how you view the relationship by considering how the other person could have acted better [1].
- “Ghosts” of the Past: The sources address the lingering presence of past relationships, describing them as “ghosts.” Acknowledging these “ghosts” is part of the process of moving past them [1].
- Transformation of Love: The sources acknowledge that love can transform and it may be okay to still love the person even after the relationship is over [2]. This love might evolve into something like a “preserved painting” or an echo [2].
- Recognizing Resilience: It is important to acknowledge that even though it feels like your heart is broken, it is still beating and pumping. This is intended to highlight the individual’s resilience [1].
- Moving Forward: The sources conclude with the idea that you will ultimately “figure it out,” suggesting that while the process of letting go can be challenging, it is possible to move forward through emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and taking positive actions [2].
In summary, “letting go” is portrayed as an active and multifaceted process that involves both emotional and practical steps. The sources emphasize self-awareness, resilience, and the importance of acknowledging all feelings in order to move on.

Healing After Lost Love

The sources describe the healing process after deciding to stop loving someone as a journey that involves emotional acceptance, self-reflection, and taking positive actions [1, 2]. It’s not a linear process, and the sources suggest that individuals will “figure it out” [2].

Here’s a breakdown of the healing process based on the provided sources:
- Decision and Acceptance: The process starts with the conscious decision to stop loving someone and accepting that this decision is correct [1]. This is a move away from the past and toward a future without that person.
- Confronting Memories: The sources suggest opening up and engaging with all the memories you’re trying to forget [1]. Instead of avoiding these memories, you should scatter them around and not miss a single moment [1]. This approach allows you to process past emotions rather than suppressing them [1].
- Emotional Processing: A crucial part of the healing process is allowing yourself to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and grief [1, 2]. The sources emphasize the importance of checking in with yourself and accepting these feelings, and that crying is acceptable [1]. It is important to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel [2].
- Practical Actions: The sources recommend taking specific actions to aid the healing process [1]:
- Creating physical distance by avoiding texting, calling, and social media interaction [1].
- Engaging in self-care by going for walks, using the time for introspection, and feeling whatever emotions arise [2]. You should make a promise to yourself to feel whatever comes up [2].
- Reaching out to loved ones and expressing how much you value them [1]. Call or text five people who are important to you [1].
- Reframing your perspective by considering how the other person could have acted better [1].
- Dealing with “Ghosts”: The sources address the lingering presence of past relationships, referring to them as “ghosts” [1, 2]. Acknowledging these “ghosts” and then moving past them is a part of the healing process [1].
- Transformation of Love: The sources acknowledge that love can transform and it may be okay to still love the person even after the relationship is over [2]. The love might evolve into something like a “preserved painting” or an echo [2].
- Recognizing Resilience: Even if it feels like your heart is broken, it’s still beating and pumping [1]. This highlights the individual’s resilience during the healing process [1].
In summary, the healing process involves a mix of emotional work and practical steps to move forward. The sources emphasize the importance of acknowledging and feeling emotions, engaging with memories, taking care of oneself, and reframing the situation. It is also important to remember that even if it feels like your heart is broken, it is still working [1].

Healing After Heartbreak

The sources address emotional pain as a significant aspect of the process of stopping loving someone and letting go [1, 2]. The sources emphasize that emotional pain is a normal part of healing and should not be suppressed, but rather, acknowledged and processed [1, 2].

Here are key points about emotional pain as described in the sources:
- Inevitability of Pain: The sources acknowledge that when you decide to stop loving someone, you will experience emotional pain [1, 2]. It is described as a period of “shattering” that happens before you move on [1].
- Range of Emotions: The sources indicate that a range of emotions may surface during the healing process. These can include sadness, anger, grief, and other feelings [1, 2]. You should allow yourself to feel whatever comes up [2].
- Importance of Acknowledgment: Rather than avoiding or suppressing emotional pain, the sources emphasize the importance of acknowledging and accepting these emotions [2]. It’s important to check in with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever arises [2].
- Crying as a Release: The sources explicitly state that crying is an acceptable and normal response during this period of emotional processing [2]. It’s not something to be avoided or ashamed of, but rather a part of the healing journey [2].
- Physical Sensations: The source mentions that even if your heart feels broken, it is still beating and pumping [1]. This highlights the fact that while emotional pain is significant, it doesn’t negate the body’s physical resilience [1].
- Engaging with Memories: The sources suggest that you should open up all the memories you’re trying to forget and scatter them everywhere, taking your time to not miss a moment [1]. This approach encourages you to engage with the painful emotions associated with these memories so you can process them [1].
- Self-Compassion: As part of dealing with emotional pain, the sources suggest that you should go for walks and promise yourself that you will allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel [2]. It suggests that you should be gentle with yourself and not try to force yourself to feel any particular way [2].
- Resilience: The sources highlight your resilience, noting that you’re not “bruised” and you will still work [1]. This emphasizes that you can and will get through the pain, that it is not permanent [1, 2].
- “Ghosts”: The sources use the metaphor of “ghosts” to represent lingering feelings and memories from the past [1, 2]. These “ghosts” can cause emotional pain and should be acknowledged as part of moving forward [2].
- Moving Forward: Ultimately, the sources offer an optimistic message, suggesting that despite the emotional pain, you will “figure it out” [2]. This emphasizes that healing is possible, even when it is difficult [2].
In summary, the sources suggest that emotional pain is an inevitable part of letting go and should be actively processed rather than avoided. It is an important part of the journey, and you will “figure it out”.

Moving On: A Guide to Healing and Growth

The sources describe “moving on” as a process that involves a conscious decision, emotional processing, practical actions, and a shift in perspective. It is framed as a journey that requires actively engaging with feelings and memories, and it emphasizes self-care and resilience.

Here’s a breakdown of key aspects of “moving on” according to the sources:
- Decision and Acceptance: The first step is making a clear decision to stop loving someone, convincing yourself it is the correct decision [1]. This decision is a move toward a future without the person [1]. This acceptance is a critical part of moving forward [2].
- Engaging with Memories: The sources advise against suppressing memories. Instead, they suggest that you should “open up all the memories” you’re trying to forget and scatter them everywhere [1]. The sources suggest that you should take your time and not miss a moment while engaging with these memories. This process helps in processing the past rather than avoiding it [1].
- Emotional Processing: Allowing yourself to feel a range of emotions is an important part of moving on. This can include sadness, anger, grief, or any other feelings that arise [2]. Checking in with yourself and allowing yourself to cry is also important. You should make a promise to yourself to feel whatever you need to feel during this time [1, 2].
- Practical Actions: The sources outline several actions to aid the process of moving on:
- Creating Distance: Avoid contact with the person including texting, calling, and social media interaction [1, 2].
- Self-Care: Go for walks and use the time for introspection. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up during this time [2].
- Reaching Out: Connect with loved ones and express how much you value them [1]. Tell five important people in your life how much you value them [1].
- Reframing your perspective: Consider how the other person could have acted better [1].
- Dealing with “Ghosts”: The sources use the term “ghosts” to refer to the lingering presence of past relationships [1, 2]. Acknowledging these “ghosts” is part of moving past them [1, 2].
- Transformation of Love: The sources suggest that love can transform, and that it may be okay to still love the person, even after the relationship is over. This love might become like a “preserved painting” or an echo [2].
- Recognizing Resilience: The sources emphasize your resilience, and point out that even if it feels like your heart is broken, it is still working [1]. The sources suggest that you are not “bruised”, and that you will work [1].
- Future-Oriented: The sources emphasize moving toward the future, and suggest that after all this you will “figure it out” [1, 2].
In summary, moving on is not about forgetting or suppressing, but rather about processing emotions, taking positive steps for self-care, and shifting your perspective [1, 2]. The sources provide a holistic view, highlighting the importance of emotional acceptance, practical actions, and self-compassion during this process [1, 2].

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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August 19, 2025
The Truth About Why I Don’t Contact You Anymore by Ellen Nguyen
The provided text is an excerpt from the book The Art of Letting Go by Ellen Nguyen. It focuses on the author’s explanation for ceasing contact with someone. She emphasizes that this decision wasn’t intended to be hurtful but rather a necessary step for her own well-being and self-preservation. Nguyen explains that she needs time and space to prioritize herself, suggesting that maintaining contact would be detrimental. Ultimately, the passage reveals a personal journey of self-discovery and the importance of setting boundaries.

Study Guide: The Art of Letting Go

Short-Answer Quiz
1. Why does the author state she doesn’t contact the reader anymore?
2. What does the author mean when she says, “I don’t want to give in to that temptation to get it in the end”?
3. According to the author, what is the problem with instant gratification?
4. What does the author feel she needs more time for now and what is her priority?
5. What does the author mean by, “I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions”?
6. Why does she say she doesn’t mind keeping her phone quiet?
7. What did she do at 4am after a party that she regrets?
8. What does the author mean when she says, “I’m not ready for a ‘we’”?
9. Why does she wish someone would break her walls?
10. What is the author willing to wait for now?
Answer Key
1. The author states she doesn’t contact the reader anymore because she doesn’t want to misinterpret her intention. In fact, she had no intention other than she didn’t think of them and it would be genuinely great to hear from them.
2. She means that she does not want to give in to the urge to reconnect with the person, even though she knows that that is something she might want in the moment.
3. The author indicates that instant gratification is something that would potentially ruin her. She is trying to avoid the short-term high in order to not undo her progress.
4. The author feels she needs more time for herself and for her future. Her priority is herself and not focusing on getting involved with someone.
5. The author means that she is capable of turning her thoughts and feelings into tangible actions and she wants to be intentional about the choices she makes.
6. The author feels like she doesn’t need to be readily available and the quiet allows her time to focus on what is important for her.
7. She states she treated the reader poorly after a party at 4am and she says that it was something she would completely throw away.
8. She’s indicating that she’s not ready to be in a romantic relationship, emphasizing her need for independence and self-discovery.
9. She wishes someone would break down her walls because it would help show her how wrong her stubborn mind is and what she might be missing out on.
10. The author is willing to wait for things that are truly important and are not readily available. She is focused on patience and self-control.
Essay Questions
1. Analyze the author’s use of personal experience to explore the themes of self-discovery and growth. How does her narration support her claims?
2. Discuss the role of boundaries and self-preservation in the author’s decision to detach from past connections. How does the concept of “letting go” factor into her self-care?
3. Explore the author’s internal conflict regarding wanting connection while needing independence. How does she balance the need for both in her process?
4. How does the author use the theme of time to convey her growth and understanding? Refer to specific instances of the author’s discussion of the past, present, and future in relation to her self-development.
5. Consider the audience the author may be trying to reach. What are some possible takeaways for other people who read this material?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Instant Gratification: The desire to experience fulfillment or pleasure immediately, without delay or effort.
- Self-Preservation: The act of protecting oneself from harm or negative experiences, whether physical, emotional, or mental.
- Boundaries: Limits or guidelines that individuals establish to define what is acceptable or unacceptable in relationships and interactions.
- Self-Discovery: The process of exploring and understanding one’s own identity, values, beliefs, and motivations.
- Patience: The ability to accept delays and difficulties without becoming upset or frustrated.
- Self-Control: The ability to manage one’s own actions, feelings, and impulses, especially in the face of temptation or difficulty.
- Intent: A mental state of aiming or planning to do something.
- “We”: Refers to a romantic relationship.
- “Not having my cake and eating it too”: The concept that you can’t have everything you want.
- “Keeping my door closed”: The idea that she is emotionally unavailable.
The Art of Letting Go: Self-Growth and Boundaries

Okay, here’s a briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided source, with relevant quotes:

Briefing Document: Analysis of “The Art of Letting Go” Excerpts

Document: Excerpts from “combinepdf.pdf” (Pages 63 and 65) Source Author: Ellen Nguyen Date: 2023/01/27

Overall Theme: The core theme explored in this excerpt is the author’s conscious decision to withdraw from a specific relationship and her justifications for doing so. The piece examines themes of self-preservation, the need for personal growth, and the challenge of breaking established patterns of communication and behavior in intimate connections. The author uses this specific relationship as a lens through which to discuss broader themes of personal growth and self-discovery.

Key Ideas & Facts:
1. Intentional Disconnection:
- Nguyen states explicitly that her lack of contact is not a misunderstanding; it is a deliberate choice. She asserts, “I didn’t contact you because I didn’t want you to misinterpret my intention. In fact, I had no intention other than I thought of you and it would be genuinely great to hear from you. But I knew you would read between the lines, looking for a deeper meaning underneath my hello.” This reveals a calculated approach aimed at preventing misinterpretation.
- She clarifies it is not an act of playing games: “And if I must be honest, I’m really not in a place to deliver any of those things in any shape or form. Nor could I take responsibility for the “I miss you” that I might slip out on the spur of the moment.” This is a further explanation and justification of her chosen disconnection as a way of maintaining healthy personal boundaries.
1. Past Patterns and “The Game”:
- The author implies a history of problematic communication patterns, specifically the need for interpreting “lines”, “deeper meanings” and a general dynamic of “the game.”
- She hints that these interactions led to dissatisfaction: “Like last time when I texted you at 4 o’ clock after a dead party and you told me I could come over, I would’ve totally thrown away all my rationale and found my way back into your arms and probably your bed if it hadn’t been for some circumstantial inconvenience.” This demonstrates a pattern of impulsive reaction that she seeks to break.
1. Focus on Self-Growth & Time for Reflection:
- A significant part of her decision comes from a need for personal space and time: “I now need time for myself. It doesn’t matter how great someone is – at this stage of life, I’m not ready for a ‘we’ and I’m happy being on my own. There are so many things I would like to do for myself and my future and I wouldn’t be able to give it my best if my time and energy were invested elsewhere.” She prioritizes her own well-being and goals above the demands of the relationship.
- She emphasizes her dedication to personal development: “Moreover importantly, I have no clue where I will be in a year or two, I don’t want to get involved with someone and have to shut my door while pursuing them. I like the fact of going through all of this alone and I don’t want to burden it with the people I like.” This reinforces her desire to focus internally rather than get drawn into external commitments.
- She concludes that she must take time to be “grounded for the life I aspire to lead”. This implies a longer term vision of personal progress.
1. The Importance of Honesty and Realistic Expectations:
- The author acknowledges her past tendency to fall back into unhealthy patterns. She openly admits her struggle: “So tell me. What if it happens again? How do I resist your intent, invitation and plan? How could I keep being stupid and making decisions that do me no good? Obviously, I can’t and I won’t.”
- She wants to take an honest approach now: “I won’t give you the intensity and the dreamy, very very well aware that would be the easiest to get lost in the end. But I’m 21 now and I don’t want trouble any more. I’m no longer thrilled by the sign of danger and moments that give me instant gratification but would ultimately ruin me. I’ve been through enough to see our ending before we even begin again so please let me save us the hassles.” This suggests she is learning from past experiences.
1. The Need for Self-Control and Patience:
- Nguyen articulates the importance of self-control and a longer view: “It’s all right, though, I’m 21 now and if there’s anything worthwhile I have learned, it must be about patience and self-control. I will wait and stay grounded for the life I aspire to lead and because I know the things I truly want are not readily available. It takes time. For now, I don’t mind having my phone quiet.” This points to maturity and a willingness to forgo immediate gratification.
- She explicitly states she won’t be breaking her silence: “If there’s no response from me, it doesn’t mean my heart has been immune to human affection. Many times, I have thought and have deleted a text half-way through. Many times, I have waited”.
1. Ambivalence and a Desire for Connection (Yet, With Boundaries):
- Nguyen demonstrates a struggle with conflicting desires. While she has made a clear decision to withdraw, she does acknowledge a deep-seated wish to be pursued in a particular way: “Many times, I have wished that someone would try to break my walls and show my stubborn mind how wrong it could be. Because my door might be closed but it’s not locked yet.” This implies an ongoing internal conflict.
- She reveals a desire to be desired and pursued in a traditional sense, “After all, I’m still a woman and sometimes a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled, but I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too.” This shows that while she has made this decision for herself, it was not a simple one without conflicting feelings.
Conclusion:

These excerpts from Ellen Nguyen’s “The Art of Letting Go” reveal a complex and thoughtful process of self-examination and boundary-setting. She moves beyond the typical tropes of relationship drama and instead provides a rationale that is rooted in personal growth, the need for self-control, and the recognition that some patterns of relating are detrimental. Her reflections provide valuable insight into the choices involved in creating healthy personal boundaries and prioritizing one’s own well-being.

Prioritizing Self-Growth: A Period of Solitude

FAQ
1. Why has the author chosen not to contact people anymore? The author explains that their lack of contact is not intended to misinterpret their feelings or indicate ill will. Rather, it’s driven by a desire for self-focus and personal growth. They recognize their need for time alone, to focus on themselves and their future, and to avoid getting pulled back into patterns of behavior or relationships that they aren’t ready for. The author is at a stage where they need to prioritize their own needs and well-being.
2. What does the author mean by “paltry items having no self-respect whatsoever”? The phrase “paltry items having no self respect whatsoever” is used to describe the feelings and behaviors the author wishes to avoid, specifically the urge to reach out to someone for comfort or validation, which they consider a pattern that is not self-respectful. It implies giving in to temporary desires rather than adhering to a path that is better for them in the long run.
3. The author mentions “giving in to instant gratification”. How does this relate to their lack of contact? The author relates giving in to instant gratification to their past patterns of contact. They recognize that reaching out to someone in the past was often driven by a desire for immediate comfort or attention, rather than a genuine need for connection. Now, they’re consciously choosing to delay those impulses and not give in to the easy but ultimately unhealthy path of instant gratification that can derail their plans.
4. What does the author mean by “I’m not ready for a “we””? When the author says they’re “not ready for a “we””, they’re referring to a commitment or shared existence with another person or even the idea of a relationship. They acknowledge that they need to grow as an individual first, that their own personal development is the priority. They can’t fully give to or receive from a partnership until they are more established and settled in their own life. They are on a path to prioritize self growth, and are not in a space to prioritize another person in their life.
5. What does the author mean by ” I have to shut my door while I am doing this and that isn’t to hurt anyone”? The “shutting my door” metaphorically refers to the author’s need to create boundaries and isolate themselves for a time to fully concentrate on their own life and goals. They’re acknowledging that their need for space might be misconstrued as intentional hurt, but clarifying that it is a crucial part of their personal growth process and not a reflection of their feelings for others. They understand that being intentional with their time and energy and not giving in to outside influences is a necessary form of self-care.
6. How does the concept of time relate to the author’s current choices and mindset? Time is a central theme. The author emphasizes the need for patience and self-control, understanding that their goals won’t be achieved instantly and that they must trust the process of life unfolding at its own pace. They realize that some things worth pursuing require time and effort and will not always come easy. They are focused on a long-term vision for themselves and are not rushing to be anywhere or with anyone they aren’t ready for.
7. What does the author mean when they say their phone is “quiet”? The phrase “my phone quiet” signifies that they have detached from the constant communication, validation, and distractions that are often a part of modern life. It suggests that they are actively avoiding the urge to respond to texts or calls, seeking a more peaceful existence by distancing themselves from instant digital interactions. This quietness helps to cultivate the space they need to prioritize self growth.
8. The author mentions their “stubborn mind”. What does this imply about their communication with others? The author mentions their “stubborn mind” as a barrier to connection and external influence and recognizes the need to be open to having their stubbornness challenged. This acknowledges that the author is not always right and that other people may be able to add value to the author’s life by challenging their current state. They recognize that while maintaining their boundaries is important, they should be open to the possibility that external perspective could be valuable at the right time.
No Contact: A Deliberate Choice

The source discusses the reasons why the author does not contact someone anymore [1].
- The author states that the lack of contact is not meant to be misinterpreted, but rather, it is because they do not want to contact the person [1].
- The author does not want to have any more of the “lines, looking for meaning, morning underneath my lids” [1]. They would prefer to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” with this person [1].
- The author admits they might slip up on the spur of the moment [1].
- The author is currently not ready for a relationship and is “happy being on my own” [1]. They want to “do for myself and my future” and feel they can not give their best energy and time to someone else [1].
- The author also feels that they have “to have no clue where I will be in a year or two” and doesn’t want to get involved with someone who will have to wait while they figure things out [1].
- The author states they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like” [1]. They state that they “want to make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions” [1].
- The author mentions that they have thought about contacting the person, but has deleted many messages [1].
- The author reflects that it is “all right” that the things they want are not readily available, and they will wait and stay grounded [2].
- The author acknowledges that they are still stubborn and acknowledges that someone could break down their walls, but they are not ready for that yet [2].
- The author feels that sometimes, “a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled, but I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too” [2].
- Ultimately, the author does not mind having their phone quiet [2].
Emotional Exhaustion and Avoidance

The source discusses the author’s emotional state and reasons for avoiding contact, which can be linked to emotional exhaustion [1, 2].
- The author states they do not want to have any more of the “lines, looking for meaning, morning underneath my lids” [1]. This suggests a weariness with the emotional labor involved in maintaining a connection and trying to interpret its meaning.
- They mention they are not ready for a “a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own [1]. This indicates they are emotionally drained from past experiences and want to focus on their own well-being.
- The author wants to “do for myself and my future” and feels they can not give their best energy and time to someone else [1]. This reveals that they are currently prioritizing self-care due to emotional fatigue.
- The author feels they have “to have no clue where I will be in a year or two” and doesn’t want to get involved with someone who will have to wait while they figure things out [1]. This could imply that they don’t want to be responsible for another person’s emotional well-being while they are uncertain of their own path, suggesting an emotional exhaustion that prevents them from being fully available.
- The author states they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like” [1]. They want to “make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions” [1]. This points to an awareness of their own limitations and an avoidance of making commitments they might not be able to fulfill due to emotional depletion.
- The author acknowledges that they have thought about contacting the person, but has deleted many messages [1]. This internal struggle suggests the emotional difficulty of deciding what to do, and potentially suggests emotional exhaustion from the mental effort of managing these feelings.
- The author states they are still stubborn and acknowledges that someone could break down their walls, but they are not ready for that yet [2]. This suggests an emotional reserve and a need to protect themselves, possibly due to past experiences or a current state of exhaustion.
- The author also acknowledges the desire to have a partner, but recognizes they are currently unable to fulfill those desires [2]. This could be seen as emotionally draining to have these wants but not the ability to act on them.
- The author does not mind having their phone quiet [2]. This could be related to emotional exhaustion or the need to have time and space to recover.
Setting Boundaries: Prioritizing Self-Discovery

The source provides insights into the author’s process of setting boundaries, particularly in the context of a past relationship or connection.
- The author’s decision not to contact someone is a way of setting a clear boundary. This action is not to be misinterpreted, but rather is a conscious choice made by the author [1].
- The author states they do not want “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” with the other person [1]. This indicates a boundary they’ve set to avoid the emotional labor and commitment that comes with those types of interactions.
- The author also explicitly states they are “not ready for a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own [1]. This highlights a boundary they’ve set around their personal space and emotional availability for a relationship.
- The author is prioritizing their own needs by saying they want to “do for myself and my future,” which also shows a boundary in place [1]. They recognize that giving their time and energy to someone else would hinder their current self-focused goals.
- The author also sets boundaries by not wanting to get involved with someone while they are still figuring out where they will be in the near future [1]. They are not willing to involve someone else in their uncertain future.
- The author’s statement that they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like,” further demonstrates a boundary around emotional involvement [1]. They are self-aware enough to understand their limitations and avoid making promises that they can’t keep.
- The act of deleting text messages instead of sending them shows another boundary in place [1]. The author is actively managing their impulses and maintaining distance.
- The author notes that, while someone could break down their walls, they are not yet ready for that [2]. This indicates a firm boundary set around their emotional vulnerability.
- The author acknowledges their desire for a relationship, but recognizes that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too” [2]. This acceptance is a boundary to balance desires with the ability to fulfill those desires.
- The author does not mind having their phone quiet, which signals a boundary of comfort in solitude [2]. This is a conscious choice to distance and not be available.
- The author’s statements overall highlight a theme of setting boundaries to protect themselves from emotional exhaustion and to prioritize self-discovery [1, 2].
Self-Preservation in Action

The source demonstrates several instances of the author engaging in self-preservation.
- The author’s primary act of self-preservation is their decision not to contact the other person. They explicitly state this is a conscious choice, not a misinterpretation [1]. This active choice is intended to protect the author from potential emotional strain or entanglement.
- The author’s desire to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” demonstrates their attempt to avoid the emotional labor of maintaining a connection [1]. This is an act of self-preservation by limiting their emotional exposure and potential stress.
- The author’s acknowledgment that they are not ready for a “we” is a significant step in self-preservation [1]. By prioritizing their own space and emotional well-being, they protect themselves from the potential demands and complexities of a relationship.
- The author’s desire to focus on “doing for myself and my future” is another indication of self-preservation [1]. They are directing their energy and attention towards their own development and goals rather than being drained by external factors.
- The author’s statement that they need to have “no clue where I will be in a year or two” and do not want to involve someone else in this uncertainty is another way of putting their needs first [1]. This protects them from the added pressure of another person’s expectations while they are still navigating their own path.
- The author’s recognition that they are not ready to get involved with people they like is a clear act of self-preservation [1]. They are aware of their emotional limitations and protect themselves and others by not making promises they can’t keep.
- The author also engages in self-preservation by deleting messages they have written rather than sending them [1]. This prevents impulsive actions and protects them from potentially difficult or emotionally draining situations.
- The author acknowledges their stubbornness and resistance to letting someone break down their walls [1, 2]. This emotional reserve is a form of self-preservation, as it shields them from vulnerability until they are ready.
- The author’s recognition that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too,” highlights a balanced understanding between their wants and their capacity, which is a self-preservative action [2].
- The author’s acceptance of a quiet phone indicates self-preservation by choosing solitude and space for themselves [2]. This choice allows for rest and recovery, ultimately contributing to their emotional well-being.
- Overall, these points reveal that the author is actively making choices to protect their emotional and mental health. These choices help them to avoid emotional exhaustion, while prioritizing self-discovery, and ultimately demonstrating a commitment to self-preservation.
Prioritizing Well-being

The source emphasizes the author’s active prioritization of their well-being through various actions and statements.
- The author’s decision not to contact the other person is a primary example of prioritizing their well-being. The author states this decision is a conscious choice, not a misinterpretation, to protect themselves from potential emotional strain or entanglement [1].
- The author’s desire to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” shows that they want to avoid the emotional labor of maintaining a connection, and that they are prioritizing their own well-being by limiting emotional exposure and potential stress [1].
- By stating they are “not ready for a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own, the author is prioritizing their own space and emotional well-being and protecting themselves from the potential demands and complexities of a relationship [1].
- The author’s focus on “doing for myself and my future” clearly indicates they are prioritizing their personal development and goals rather than being drained by external factors [1].
- The author’s acknowledgement that they need to have “no clue where I will be in a year or two” and not wanting to involve someone else is another way of putting their needs first. They are protecting themselves from the added pressure of another person’s expectations while still navigating their own path [1].
- By stating that they are not ready to get involved with people they like, the author is prioritizing their well-being by being aware of their emotional limitations and avoiding making promises they can’t keep [1].
- The author engages in self-preservation by deleting messages they have written rather than sending them, which prevents impulsive actions and protects them from potentially difficult or emotionally draining situations [1].
- The author’s acknowledgement of their stubbornness and resistance to letting someone break down their walls indicates a desire to protect their emotional vulnerability until they are ready [2].
- The author also understands that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too,” highlighting a balanced understanding between their wants and their capacity, and therefore, they prioritize their well-being over fleeting desires [2].
- The author’s acceptance of a quiet phone indicates they are prioritizing self-preservation by choosing solitude and space for themselves [2]. This choice allows for rest and recovery, and contributes to their overall emotional well-being [2].
- The author demonstrates an understanding of the need for patience and self-control and the desire to stay “grounded” while they work toward their goals and the things they want, which shows that the author is prioritizing their long-term well-being [2].
- Overall, the author’s choices and statements demonstrate a commitment to protecting their emotional and mental health, avoiding emotional exhaustion, and prioritizing self-discovery.
By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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August 16, 2025
You Broke My Heart, But I Am Forever Thankful by Marisa Donnelly
The provided text is an excerpt from Marisa Donnelly’s “The Art of Letting Go,” specifically pages 17 and 62. The excerpt details a past romantic relationship characterized by intense passion and subsequent heartbreak. The author reflects on both the painful and joyful aspects of the relationship, ultimately expressing gratitude for the experience despite its challenges. The narrative shifts between moments of intense conflict and tender intimacy, revealing a complex emotional journey. Themes of love, loss, and forgiveness are central to the excerpt, culminating in an acceptance of the past.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Quiz
1. What are some of the initial qualities the speaker attributes to their former partner?
2. What does the speaker mean by the line “I never meant to kiss so deeply”?
3. How did the speaker and their partner initially view their relationship, according to the first paragraph?
4. Describe the moment when the speaker’s feelings seemed to shift towards their partner.
5. What imagery is used to describe the relationship falling apart?
6. What was the speaker’s emotional state after the breakup, and how did it change over time?
7. How does the speaker describe their own transformation after the relationship?
8. What does the speaker say they are thankful for, even after the breakup?
9. What specific sensory details are evoked in the second half of the text?
10. How does the speaker’s final statement reveal their present feelings about their former partner?
Quiz Answer Key
1. The speaker describes their former partner as having “dangerous eyes” and being “argumentative and stubborn,” but also “wonderfully compassionate.” They were seen as having a “quick temper”
2. The line suggests that the kiss wasn’t planned or meant to be significant. It marks a turning point where their feelings became more intense.
3. Initially, the speaker and their partner were just having fun, and they viewed their relationship as lighthearted and playful. There were no serious intentions, and everything was “happy.”
4. The moment where the speaker’s feelings changed was when they were dancing in a bar, and they suddenly felt “the world around [them] all melting away.” This suggests that their surroundings fell away as their emotions came into focus.
5. The relationship is described as “shattered into tiny pieces,” which were “too difficult to put back together.” This implies that the break was abrupt and completely destroyed the relationship.
6. After the breakup, the speaker was hurt and broken. However, over time they have come to a place of acceptance and even gratitude.
7. The speaker describes themselves as having been “unraveled into little threads,” which suggests the breaking apart that happened and then transformed into something new. They also describe their capacity to love as a source of strength.
8. The speaker is thankful for specific memories and details, like the laughter, the kisses, and the lessons learned about what they “deserve.” They also say they have learned how to let go.
9. Sensory details like the “smell of your deodorant,” “poolside drinks,” and the image of “the sun on a new day” and “arms around me” evoke intimate, personal moments and contribute to the emotional resonance of the text.
10. The speaker’s final statement that they “hope you know that you are forgiven” shows they hold no resentment toward the partner. And the statement, “I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me,” suggests a complex mixture of lingering feelings, nostalgia, and a sense of impact on the former partner.
Essay Questions
1. Analyze how the author uses specific language and imagery to express the complex emotions of love, heartbreak, and forgiveness. Consider how these devices contribute to the overall tone of the piece.
2. Explore the theme of personal transformation in the text. How does the speaker evolve and what does this transformation suggest about their understanding of love and relationships?
3. Discuss the significance of the non-linear structure of the text. How does the author use flashbacks and reflections to deepen the reader’s understanding of the relationship’s journey?
4. Consider the role of sensory details and specific memories in conveying the impact of the relationship on the speaker. How do these details contribute to the emotional resonance of the narrative?
5. Compare and contrast the feelings of anger and gratitude within the text, and consider how they coexist in the speaker’s experience. What does this say about the complex nature of breakups?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Argumentative: Characterized by a tendency to engage in debates or disputes, often in a confrontational way.
- Stubborn: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something.
- Compassionate: Feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others, and often showing a desire to help alleviate their suffering.
- Invitable: Certain to happen; unavoidable.
- Unraveled: To come apart; to be broken apart into threads or pieces.
- Resentment: Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
- Nostalgia: A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
- Sensory Details: Words that describe what can be experienced through the five senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste.
- Impermanence: The state of not lasting forever; being transient or fleeting.
- Letting go: The act of releasing or relinquishing a connection, emotion, or attachment to something or someone.
The Art of Letting Go: Heartbreak and Gratitude

Okay, here’s a briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided source:

Briefing Document: “You Broke My Heart, But I Am Forever Thankful”

Source: Excerpt from Marina Donnelly’s “The Art of Letting Go” (Pages 60-62 of the Kindle edition).

Overall Theme: This excerpt focuses on the complex and often contradictory emotions involved in processing a painful romantic breakup. The narrator acknowledges both the hurt caused by the relationship’s end (“You broke my heart”) while simultaneously expressing profound gratitude for the experience and the lessons learned (“but I am forever thankful”). This dual perspective highlights the complicated nature of human relationships and personal growth.

Key Ideas and Facts:
1. Unexpected Love and an Inevitable Breakup:
- The relationship began unexpectedly, described as a quick and somewhat tumultuous connection: “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. You were dangerous eyes and a quick temper.”
- The narrator acknowledges an underlying element of instability or incompatibility: “You were argumentative and stubborn and so wonderfully compassionate. I got lost in those eyes and felt safe in those arms.”
- The breakup was not entirely surprising, but still painful: “But then came the heartbreak. It was unexpected, yet a part of me knew it was inevitable.”
1. The Intensity and Intimacy of the Relationship:
- The relationship was characterized by physical closeness and shared experiences: “We began as nothing. I told myself we were just having fun. That smiles were because we enjoyed each other’s company. That kisses were playful. That we were happy, not falling.”
- There was a deep emotional connection, built slowly over time: “Maybe it was when we explored each other’s minds on a couch in your living room, confessing secrets we’d been too afraid to share. Opening slowly, learning to trust again.”
- The level of intimacy is reflected in the image of sharing vulnerable secrets and finally saying “I love you”: “Layer by layer. And I think you did, too. It happened exactly like the world says, slowly, then all at once. Suddenly we were sharing pillows and paychecks and dreams. Suddenly those three words, the ‘I love you’ whispered at night, in the morning, as I dropped you off, when you picked me up, carried incredible weight.”
- This level of intimacy also leads to deep disappointment when things fall apart. “Then we unfolded, as beautiful things often do. We were both at fault, maybe more than we wanted to admit. We fought hard. Me with words. You with those dangerous eyes, that quick temper. We cracked, shattered into tiny pieces that were too difficult to put back together, but a part of me still believed.”
1. The Pain of the Breakup:
- The breakup is described as shattering: “We cracked, shattered into tiny pieces that were too difficult to put back together, but a part of me still believed.”
- It highlights the feeling of change: “And you had transformed into someone I no longer knew, someone I didn’t think you were anymore, someone I never thought you could be. It broke me. It unraveled me into little threads of myself.”
- The narrator acknowledges the impact of the breakup, admitting it “broke” her and caused a significant emotional unraveling.
- Despite the hurt, there’s an immediate sense of forgiveness: “But I forgive you.”
1. Growth and Gratitude Despite Pain:
- After the initial pain, the narrator experiences a sense of freedom and new beginnings: “After tears, I woke to the sun on a new day and saw the freedom, the lifted weight on my heart, in forgiving you.”
- The breakup becomes a catalyst for self-discovery and growth: “You broke my heart with dangerous eyes, with arms that sheltered me. You were the one that I disconnected, where my heart loved most. You had held my bare heart in his hands. Together we had re-learned how to love, how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared. We had fallen in love. And because of this, I am forever thankful.”
- The narrator expresses specific gratitude for moments shared, both big and small: “I am thankful for poolside drinks, for dog walks, for drives with the windows down, I am thankful for the swing you built me in the backyard, for the smell of your deodorant, for the picture frame in your room with the photos of us, laughing, smiling, dancing, spinning, spinning.”
- The narrator demonstrates a mature understanding of how to learn from both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship: “For what I learned in losing you: what I deserve, the immensity of my strength, my capacity to love, to let go.”
1. Lingering Feelings and Acceptance:
- Despite the resolution, there remains an acknowledgment of lingering connection: “I hope you know that you are forgiven. But I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me. And maybe one day you’ll forgive yourself.”
- The narrator shows acceptance of the situation and a willingness to move on: “For you, I hope you know that you are forgiven…You broke my heart, but I am forever thankful.”
Conclusion:

This excerpt from “The Art of Letting Go” offers a powerful and nuanced portrayal of heartbreak and healing. It moves beyond simple bitterness, instead focusing on finding meaning and growth in painful experiences. The author’s ability to articulate the complex emotions of love, loss, and gratitude provides a compelling account of the process of letting go and moving forward. The use of concrete imagery and emotional language allows the reader to empathize with the narrator’s journey.

Gratitude After Heartbreak
- What is the central paradox presented in the text?
- The central paradox is that the speaker is both heartbroken and grateful for the experience of a past relationship. While the relationship ended with a “broken heart,” the speaker expresses thankfulness for the various moments, both joyful and painful, that they shared. The text explores the idea that even painful experiences can be valuable for growth.
- How does the speaker describe the beginning of the relationship?
- The relationship began unexpectedly, with the speaker acknowledging that they weren’t “supposed to fall in love.” They describe their early interactions as playful, fun and argumentative, but also note that there was an intensity and quickness to the relationship’s development, almost as if they were “dancing” before inevitably crashing. They were drawn in by the other person’s “dangerous eyes and a quick temper” alongside a “wonderfully compassionate” nature.
- What caused the relationship to end, according to the speaker?
- The breakup was described as sudden and unexpected. The speaker says, “I wasn’t supposed to be in love with you, I wasn’t supposed to be hurt,” emphasizing that they did not foresee the relationship’s end. They acknowledge that both partners were partially at fault, engaged in arguments and hurtful language. The relationship ultimately “shattered into tiny pieces” due to a combination of factors.
- What is the process of healing described in the text?
The healing process involves acknowledging the hurt, letting go of the relationship, and finding freedom on the other side of the experience. It wasn’t an immediate process, with the speaker initially feeling like the “little fragments of my heart that I knew would take so long to mold back together.” It involves reflection and forgiveness, as well as the understanding that the relationship transformed them and allowed them to learn important lessons. There’s a sense of embracing the pain as part of the process.
- What does the speaker say they have learned from the relationship?
The speaker learned about the immensity of their strength and their capacity to love, even when things don’t work out. They express gratitude for what they learned in losing the other person: the ability to let go. Furthermore, they acknowledge that the experience taught them how to let someone in even though they are “still fragile, still scared” after the heartbreak.
- What are some specific things that the speaker expresses gratitude for?
- The speaker expresses gratitude for a variety of specific things, including the moments, the memories, the kisses, and even the accidental events. They are thankful for the “poolside drinks,” “dog walks,” “drives with the windows down,” and the swing that was built for them in the backyard. They are even grateful for small details like the other person’s deodorant and a specific picture frame. The list highlights the importance of both big and small moments in shaping their experience and understanding of love.
- How does the speaker’s perspective evolve throughout the text?
- The speaker begins with an acknowledgement of the heartbreak and a description of the relationship’s beginnings. Over the course of the text, the perspective shifts towards gratitude, and a recognition of personal growth that emerged from the pain. The speaker moves from being a heartbroken individual to one who appreciates the lessons learned and the strength gained from the experience. There is acceptance of the relationship’s outcome as well as an appreciation of what the person taught them.
- What does the speaker mean by “the art of letting go”?
- “The art of letting go” implies a conscious and difficult process of moving on from a significant relationship. It encompasses not only releasing the other person but also releasing the hurt and the expectations associated with that relationship. It involves acknowledging the impact of the relationship without clinging to it, instead transforming the hurt into something valuable and letting it evolve into a catalyst for personal growth. The ability to recognize and feel thankfulness for what was experienced is also part of the process of letting go.
A Broken Heart’s Gratitude

The sources discuss a broken heart and the experience of a relationship ending. Here are some key points:
- The relationship was intense and passionate: The speaker says they weren’t supposed to fall in love, but did. They describe their partner as having “dangerous eyes and a quick temper,” and themselves as “argumentative and stubborn,” but also “wonderfully compassionate” [1]. The speaker says they lost themselves in the relationship [1].
- There was a sense of inevitability to the breakup: The speaker says that the heartbreak “was inevitable,” and that a part of them knew it was going to happen. They also say that they were “not supposed to be in love” with the person and were hurt by it [1].
- The breakup was painful: The speaker says the relationship “cracked, shattered into tiny pieces that were too difficult to put back together” [1]. They also state that the person they loved “transformed into someone I no longer knew, someone I didn’t think you were anymore” [1].
- The speaker experienced a transformation: The speaker felt “unraveled into little threads of myself” [1]. They say it took a long time to mold back together [1].
- There is a sense of acceptance and gratitude: The speaker is grateful for the moments, the memories, the kisses, and the “accidental falling that happens when you close your eyes, when you let it” [2]. They also recognize the “immensity of my strength, my capacity to love, to let go” and the lessons they learned from the experience [2].
- The speaker has forgiven but is still affected: The speaker states, “I have forgiven you” but “I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me” [1, 2]. They also express being “still fragile, still scared” and “fallen in love” [1].
- Despite the pain, the speaker is thankful: The speaker says, “You broke my heart, but I am forever thankful” [1, 2]. They express gratitude for many things from the relationship, including “poolside drinks,” “dog walks,” “the swing you built me in the backyard,” and “the smell of your deodorant” [2].
Letting Go: A Journey Through Heartbreak

The sources discuss the process of letting go after a painful breakup. Here are some key points:
- Acceptance of the breakup: The speaker acknowledges that the breakup was inevitable and that they were not supposed to be in love with the person [1]. They recognize that the relationship “cracked, shattered into tiny pieces that were too difficult to put back together” [1]. The speaker accepts that they have been hurt but does not harbor resentment. They even acknowledge their own part in the breakup when they say, “We were both at fault” [1].
- Forgiveness: The speaker states, “I have forgiven you” which indicates a key step in letting go [1]. This act of forgiveness is a conscious choice to move beyond the pain and resentment associated with the breakup. However, they also express a lingering emotional connection when they say, “I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me” [1, 2].
- Gratitude: The speaker expresses thankfulness for the experiences and memories they had with their former partner [2]. This includes “poolside drinks,” “dog walks,” “the swing you built me in the backyard,” and “the smell of your deodorant,” and “the moments, the memories, the kisses” [2]. This shows a shift in focus from the pain of the breakup to the value of the relationship, which can be helpful in the process of letting go [2]. They also recognize the strength they gained from the experience: “the immensity of my strength, my capacity to love, to let go” [2].
- Recognizing personal growth: The speaker also says, “I have re-learned how to love, how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared. We had fallen in love. And because of this, I am forever thankful” [1]. This highlights the importance of recognizing personal growth and the ability to learn from past experiences as part of the process of moving forward [1].
- Moving on is a process: The speaker notes that they felt “unraveled into little threads of myself” after the breakup and it took a long time to “mold back together” [1]. They are also “still fragile, still scared,” indicating that moving on is not a linear process [1].
In summary, letting go, as described in the sources, involves acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, recognizing personal growth, and understanding that the healing process is not immediate.

Thankfulness and Heartbreak

The sources emphasize the importance of thankfulness in the process of healing from a broken heart and letting go of a past relationship. Here are some key aspects of thankfulness discussed in the sources:
- Thankfulness despite pain: Despite the pain of the breakup, the speaker states, “You broke my heart, but I am forever thankful” [1, 2]. This highlights that it’s possible to experience deep hurt and still find reasons to be grateful.
- Gratitude for memories and moments: The speaker is thankful for “the moments, the memories, the kisses” [2]. They also mention specific shared experiences, such as “poolside drinks, for dog walks, for drives with the windows down”, and “the swing you built me in the backyard” [2]. The speaker also expresses gratitude “for the smell of your deodorant, for the picture frame in your room with the photos of us, laughing, smiling, dancing, spinning, spinning” [2]. These specific details demonstrate that the speaker values the positive aspects of the relationship, even after it ended.
- Thankfulness for lessons learned: The speaker recognizes that they “re-learned how to love” and “how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared” [1]. They see the relationship as a learning experience that has contributed to their personal growth. They are also thankful “for what I learned in losing you: what I deserve, the immensity of my strength, my capacity to love, to let go” [2]. This suggests a focus on self-discovery and empowerment that comes from the experience of heartbreak.
- Thankfulness as a part of letting go: The act of expressing gratitude is linked to the speaker’s ability to let go [2]. It demonstrates a shift in focus from the pain and loss to the positive aspects of the relationship and what they gained from it. This shift can facilitate the healing process.
In summary, the sources portray thankfulness not as a denial of pain, but as a powerful tool for healing and growth. It allows the speaker to acknowledge both the good and the bad aspects of the relationship and to move forward with a sense of appreciation for the experience and the lessons it has taught them.

Forgiveness and Healing After Heartbreak

The sources discuss forgiveness as a key component of healing and moving on from a broken heart. Here’s a breakdown of how forgiveness is presented:
- Explicit Forgiveness: The speaker states directly, “I have forgiven you” [1]. This is a clear and conscious act of forgiveness, indicating a decision to release the anger, resentment, and pain associated with the breakup.
- Forgiveness as Part of Letting Go: Forgiveness is presented as an essential part of the process of letting go [2]. By forgiving, the speaker is able to move forward from the pain of the breakup and focus on their own healing and personal growth [2].
- Forgiveness is not forgetting: While the speaker has forgiven, they still feel the emotional impact of the relationship [1]. This is shown when they express, “I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me” [1]. This indicates that forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain disappears entirely, but it allows the person to process the hurt and not be consumed by it.
- Forgiveness and Gratitude: Forgiveness is closely tied to the theme of gratitude [2]. The speaker is thankful for the experiences, memories, and lessons they gained from the relationship, and this thankfulness is intertwined with the act of forgiveness [2]. By focusing on the positive aspects of the past, the speaker can more readily forgive any hurt caused by the relationship.
- Forgiveness and Healing: The act of forgiving is presented as an important step in the speaker’s personal healing and transformation [1, 2]. The speaker says they “re-learned how to love, how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared” [1]. Forgiveness is crucial to emotional recovery by allowing the speaker to heal from the experience.
In summary, the sources portray forgiveness as a deliberate act and a vital step in the journey of healing after a painful breakup. Forgiveness is not about forgetting the hurt but rather choosing to release the negative emotions associated with it and make space for personal growth and transformation. It is also linked with gratitude for the experience and lessons learned [1, 2].

Lost Love: Heartbreak, Healing, and Gratitude

The sources explore the experience of lost love through the lens of a painful breakup, focusing on themes of heartbreak, letting go, thankfulness, and forgiveness. Here’s a breakdown of how lost love is depicted in the sources:
- Initial Intensity and Inevitable End: The relationship began with a strong, almost forbidden attraction [1]. The speaker states, “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you,” which suggests a sense of something unavoidable. They describe the relationship as intense with “dangerous eyes and a quick temper” and note that the heartbreak felt “inevitable” [1]. A part of the speaker even knew it was going to happen [1]. This implies that the lost love was not just about the end of the relationship, but also about the recognition that it may have never been meant to last.
- Painful Breakup: The breakup is described as a shattering experience [1]. The relationship “cracked, shattered into tiny pieces that were too difficult to put back together,” leaving the speaker feeling “unraveled into little threads of myself” [1]. The person the speaker loved “transformed into someone I no longer knew” [1]. The deep hurt and sense of loss are evident in the language used to describe this period.
- Transformation and Growth: Despite the pain, the speaker undergoes a personal transformation [1]. They describe the need to “mold back together” after feeling unraveled, indicating a process of self-reconstruction [1]. This suggests that the lost love, although painful, facilitated personal growth and self-discovery.
- Letting Go: Letting go is a central theme in the context of lost love [1, 2]. The speaker accepts the breakup, recognizing that they “were not supposed to be in love” [1]. The speaker engages in forgiveness, stating, “I have forgiven you,” which is an important step towards moving on [1]. The speaker also focuses on the positive aspects of the relationship.
- Gratitude: The speaker expresses thankfulness for the experiences and memories shared, despite the breakup [2]. This includes “poolside drinks,” “dog walks,” “the swing you built me in the backyard,” and “the smell of your deodorant” [2]. The speaker says, “You broke my heart, but I am forever thankful”, indicating the ability to feel gratitude alongside pain [1]. This emphasis on gratitude suggests a conscious effort to reframe the experience and find meaning in the lost love.
- Lingering Feelings: While forgiveness and thankfulness are key aspects of the healing process, the speaker acknowledges that they are still emotionally affected [1, 2]. They say, “I still hope when you kiss her, you taste me” and express being “still fragile, still scared” [1]. These lines demonstrate that lost love is not simply a matter of moving on completely but also about accepting the lingering emotions and the vulnerability that comes with having loved and lost.
- Re-learning Love: The speaker states they “re-learned how to love, how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared” [1]. This shows that the experience of lost love, though painful, has taught the speaker about their capacity to love and their ability to be vulnerable again.
In summary, the sources present lost love as a complex experience that involves intense emotions, pain, but also growth, forgiveness, and thankfulness. The speaker does not shy away from the hurt caused by the lost love, but also emphasizes the importance of finding positive meaning in the experience to be able to move forward.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 15, 2025
Read This If You Can’t Forget Someone Who Has Already Forgotten You by Rania Naim
The provided text is an excerpt from Rania Naim’s self-help book, The Art of Letting Go. This section focuses on coping with the pain of being forgotten by someone. The author offers advice on remembering the past but ultimately moving on. It emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and acceptance in healing from heartbreak. The text presents a series of prompts designed to help the reader process their emotions and detach from the person who has forgotten them. The overall goal is to empower the reader to let go and find peace.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Quiz

Instructions: Answer the following questions in 2-3 sentences each.
1. According to the source, what are the two main reasons why we struggle to forget someone?
2. What does the author suggest instead of forcing yourself to try and forget someone you deeply care about?
3. According to the author, what should you remember when you are alone at night crying?
4. What should you remember on your birthday?
5. What should you remember when you attend an engagement party or wedding?
6. What does the author suggest remembering when family asks about the relationship?
7. What should you remember when you have been having a blast with your friends?
8. What should you remember every time you want to forget someone?
9. What does the author say to remember about someone’s smile?
10. What should you remember when you finally get over them?
Quiz Answer Key
1. The two main reasons we struggle to forget someone are, first, that we truly believe they are the one for us and, second, that we fear that we will not find anyone better. The author argues we should remember that we deserve better or someone good who won’t forget us.
2. Instead of forcing yourself to forget someone, the author suggests that one should feel the feeling of being forgotten, in order to allow yourself to be free to remember them rather than try to forget them.
3. When you are alone at night crying, you should remember the pain the person put you through and the extent to which you hid your sadness from others.
4. On your birthday, you should remember that the person you are grieving is choosing to celebrate with someone else. You should remember they want to grow old without you.
5. When you attend an engagement party or wedding you should remember that instead of being your plus one, they chose to attend it with someone else. You should also remember that they continued on their path without you, and have continued on without you in their life.
6. When family asks about the relationship, you should remember how you could have easily avoided those difficult questions if that person had actually given you an answer or any clarity, meaning the lack of communication was on them.
7. You should remember that they decided to be strangers, indicating they would rather treat you like a stranger than a friend, meaning they did not see you as someone important enough to keep in their life.
8. Every time you want to forget someone, you should remember that they are not remembering you, meaning the feeling is not mutual. You should also remember that they want you to forget them.
9. You should remember that they chose to make someone else smile instead of you. They actively chose to remove that happiness from you to give to another.
10. When you finally get over them, you should remember when you see them and no longer recognize them. This indicates that the relationship no longer has a space in your memory and is in the past, as you are healed.
Essay Questions

Instructions: Write a well-organized essay that thoroughly answers each question.
1. Discuss the author’s approach to coping with the pain of being forgotten. How does the author differentiate between “forcing yourself to forget” and “allowing yourself to remember”?
2. Explore the recurring theme of “remembering” in the text. What are the specific memories the author suggests focusing on, and what is the purpose of each?
3. Analyze the author’s use of second-person point of view (“you”) in this piece. How does this choice affect the reader’s understanding and experience of the advice given?
4. Considering the points made in the text, what is the author trying to communicate about the role of self-worth in the process of healing from lost relationships?
5. How do the themes presented in this text relate to broader cultural ideas and expectations around relationships and breakups? How might readers from different backgrounds interpret the author’s advice?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Letting Go: The act of emotionally detaching from someone or something, allowing yourself to move forward without the weight of past experiences or attachments.
- Forgetting: An attempt to consciously erase memories or feelings about someone or something. The author argues against this approach.
- Remembering: In the context of this text, the author uses “remembering” to mean focusing on the truth of the relationship and the actions of the other person, not the idealized version of them.
- Self-Worth: The sense of one’s own value and importance as an individual. The author implies this is critical to the healing process.
- Relationship: A state of being connected, either romantically or platonically. The author refers to romantic relationships but the lessons could be used for platonic relationships.
- Healing: The process of emotional recovery after experiencing a loss or painful event. The author suggests that “remembering” is critical to the healing process.
- Strangers: People with whom one has no connection. The author references that those you were close with may reduce you to strangers, meaning they are no longer connected to you.
- Communication: The act of sharing information. The author implies a lack of communication can be a form of cruelty and disrespect.
- Closure: A resolution or conclusion to something. The author implies that we cannot rely on others to provide this; we must find this for ourselves.
- Idealization: Viewing someone or something as perfect or better than it actually is. The author suggests that we remember the truth rather than the ideal.
Reframing Memories: Letting Go of the Past

Okay, here’s a briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided text excerpt, “Read This If You Can’t Forget Someone Who Has Already Forgotten You,” by Rania Naïm:

Briefing Document: The Art of Letting Go

Document Source: Excerpt from “combinepdf.pdf”, pages 57 & 59

Topic: Navigating the emotional challenge of letting go of someone who has moved on.

Key Themes and Ideas:
1. Why We Struggle to Forget:
- The author identifies two primary reasons why it’s difficult to let go:
- Belief in “The One”: We often struggle because we believe there is only one perfect partner for us. The excerpt states: “We truly believe they are the one for us.”
- Fear of Not Finding Someone Else: The fear that we will not find someone else prevents us from moving forward. The author suggests that “we fear that we will not find anyone better.”
- The author challenges these notions, suggesting that “if someone is the right person for us, they will come back into our lives no matter how far away they drift.” This suggests a more open view of relationships and a reduced sense of desperation. It also infers a form of acceptance of the other person’s decision.
1. The Pain of Neglect and Feeling Forgotten:
- The excerpt emphasizes the pain of being neglected or forgotten by someone you care deeply about. This is described as “one of the most soul-crushing & excruciating feelings in the world.”
- The central argument is that instead of trying to force yourself to forget, focus on freeing yourself from the memories that hold you back. The key message is: “instead of forcing yourself to try, in vain, to forget that person, I want you to free yourself to remember them.”
1. Remembering with Perspective:
- The author advocates for a mindful approach to remembering the past. Instead of attempting to erase the memories, the advice is to use these memories to gain perspective and achieve closure.
- The approach suggested here is to use remembering to process emotions, understand past interactions and see the reality of the situation. Some key aspects of perspective when remembering are:
- Remember the pain: “remember when you are alone at night crying, remember the pain they put you through”
- Remember their actions: “remember how they chose to make someone else smile instead.”
- Remember their choices: “remember that they are happier celebrating somewhere else, maybe with someone else.”
- Remember their lack of concern: “remember that they want to grow old without you.”
- Remember their disregard for you: “remember how they could have turned your loneliness around but they left you staring at all four walls as they found someone else to ease their lonely nights.”
- Remember when they moved on: “Remember them when you attend an engagement party or a wedding, remember that instead of being your plus one, they left you minus one.”
- Remember how they didn’t value you: “remember how you could have easily avoided that question had they been there to answer it. Remember that they didn’t want to give you an answer or even help you find it.”
- These specific instances act as reminders that the person who is being remembered has made the choice to move on.
- The ultimate goal of this perspective-based remembering is to reach the point where you can see them and “no longer recognize them.”
1. Choosing Yourself:
- A fundamental idea is that by understanding their actions, you begin to accept the reality that they have made a choice and are not coming back.
- It is implied that by releasing the negative energy associated with trying to erase the memory, the person who is struggling to forget can now focus on themselves.
- The article uses “Remember them when you are having a blast with your friends, remember that this is how they should’ve made you feel, but they decided to be strangers. They decided they’d rather treat you like a stranger not a friend.” as a clear example of the difference between being with someone who values you, and someone who has moved on.
- The text ends with “Remember them every time you want to forget them, remember that they are not remembering you, and remember that they want you to forget them.” This is the ultimate advice: the person who is being remembered is not doing the same. It is time to move on.
Overall Message:

The core message of this excerpt is not about forgetting, but about re-framing how we remember. Instead of fighting the memories, we must acknowledge them, use them to see the situation clearly, and ultimately release the grip they have on us. By remembering the full reality of the situation, including the actions and choices made by the other person, we can gain perspective and begin to free ourselves from the emotional hold of the past.

Potential Implications:

This document provides valuable insight into the emotional process of moving on from a relationship. It offers a way to approach painful memories that doesn’t deny the pain, but uses it to achieve clarity and ultimately, release. It also provides some specific practical examples of how to see their choices and actions with new eyes.

Let me know if you have any other documents you’d like me to summarize!

Letting Go: FAQs on Moving On

FAQs on Letting Go
1. Why is it so difficult to forget someone who has forgotten you? There are two main reasons why we struggle to forget someone who has forgotten us. First, we believe deeply that we are meant to be with that person, a notion that prevents us from moving on. Second, we are fearful that we will not find someone better. However, it is crucial to recognize that staying attached to someone who does not reciprocate affection prevents you from finding a person who does.
2. How does one know that someone is not remembering you? If someone actively chooses to be with others, prioritize their happiness over yours, and doesn’t consider you when making important decisions, those are all indications that they are not remembering you. Further signs include when they choose someone else to smile at, and when they don’t want you to remember them.
3. How should one handle negative feelings when struggling to move on? It’s normal to feel pain, be it from crying alone at night to losing your breath over tears. Acknowledge these feelings, instead of hiding them, and remember the pain they caused. Recognizing that you had to put on a brave face and hide your emotions is part of acknowledging your hurt and moving past it.
4. What if the person you are struggling to forget is celebrating important milestones, like birthdays or holidays, with someone else? It is important to remember that they are consciously choosing to celebrate important milestones with someone else. Their happiness no longer involves you, and they might be actively trying to build a life with others. This is a clear sign that you should consider moving on, too.
5. How can someone who feels lonely, or neglected begin to let go? Rather than forcing yourself to forget, which is often futile, you should allow yourself to remember. Remembering how they treated you, and how they made you feel, will in turn make it easier to move on. This is the most effective way to free yourself from their hold.
6. What are some examples of situations that can help in remembering what someone does, or does not do? Consider when they attend events with others and exclude you, when they prioritize a “plus one” instead of you, and when they make life altering decisions without you. Another thing to remember is how they could have offered support or comfort but decided to leave you alone instead. When family questions are asked, remember how they didn’t offer answers, and when they have not given you the answers they owe you.
7. What role do their choices play in the process of letting go? Focus on their deliberate choices: choosing someone else to smile at, choosing not to recognize or remember you, and in essence, choosing to move on without you. These decisions were not accidents; instead, they reflect their disinterest in having a relationship with you.
8. How should I feel after finally moving on? After you have moved on, you may eventually see them and no longer recognize the hold they once had over you. You may feel that the person in front of you is someone who you no longer have ties with and no longer have feelings for, signaling you have completed the process of letting go.
Remembering to Forget

The sources discuss reasons why people struggle to forget someone, as well as ways to remember someone to help with the process of letting go [1, 2].

According to the sources, there are two main reasons why people struggle to forget someone:
- People believe they are the one for them [1].
- People fear that they will not find anyone better [1].
However, it is recommended to remember that if someone is not the right person for you, they will come back into your life or someone better will come along. The sources also suggests that people will be able to find someone better because “either, someone just as good who won’t forget you” [1].

The sources suggest that remembering specific instances about a person can help with letting go of that person [1, 2]. Some things to remember include:
- Remember when you are alone at night crying, remember the pain they put you through, remember when you almost lost your breath because of the tears you shed over them [1].
- Remember how you had to hide your eyes behind your sunglasses so no one could see them, or see you [1].
- Remember them on their birthday, remember how they are actively choosing not to celebrate another year with you, remember that they are happier celebrating somewhere else, maybe with someone else [1].
- Remember that they want to grow old without you [1].
- Remember them when you are lonely, remember how they once promised not to leave you, remember how they could have turned your loneliness around but they left you starting at all four walls as they found someone else to ease their lonely nights [1].
- Remember them when you attend an engagement party or a wedding, remember that instead of being your plus one, they left you minus one [1].
- Remember that they convinced you that you were heading in that direction but suddenly decided to make a U-turn and drive away on their own [1].
- Remember when your family asks about your relationship status, remember how you could have easily avoided that question had they been there to answer it [1].
- Remember that they didn’t want to give you an answer or even help you find it [1].
- Remember when you are having a blast with your friends, remember that this is how they should’ve made you feel, but they decided to be strangers [1].
- They decided they’d rather treat you like a stranger not a friend [1].
- Remember them when you are smiling because someone appreciates you, remember how they didn’t, and remember how slowly they took that smile away from you [2].
- Remember that they chose to make someone else smile instead [2].
- Remember them every time you want to forget them, remember that they are not remembering you, and remember that they want you to forget them [2].
It is important to remember that feeling forgotten or neglected by someone you care about can be one of the most soul-crushing and excruciating feelings [1]. Instead of forcing yourself to try to forget that person, the sources recommend that you free yourself to remember them [1]. Finally, the sources state to remember them when you finally get over them and when you see them and no longer recognize them [2].

Letting Go: Remembering to Forget

The sources discuss letting someone go by focusing on remembering specific aspects of the relationship [1, 2].

It can be difficult to let go of someone because people often believe that they are the one for them, or that they won’t find anyone better [1]. However, the sources suggest that you will either find someone better or they may return to your life if they are the right person [1]. The sources recommend that instead of trying to forget a person, you should allow yourself to remember them [1].

Specific memories that can help you let go of someone, as described in the sources, include:
- Remembering the pain and tears they caused you [1].
- Remembering having to hide your sadness [1].
- Remembering that they are choosing to spend their birthdays and future with someone else [1].
- Remembering when they broke their promise not to leave you [1].
- Remembering how they left you to deal with loneliness on your own [1].
- Remembering that they were not there to be your plus one at events like weddings or parties [1].
- Remembering how they changed their mind and left without you [1].
- Remembering how they did not help you avoid difficult questions from family about your relationship [1].
- Remembering how they did not give you an answer or help you find it when you needed it [1].
- Remembering how they treated you like a stranger rather than a friend [1].
- Remembering how they took your smile away, and chose to make someone else smile [1, 2].
- Remembering that they are not remembering you, and they want you to forget them [2].
The sources also state to remember them when you finally get over them and when you see them and no longer recognize them [2]. Feeling forgotten or neglected by someone you care about can be very painful, so it’s recommended to allow yourself to remember them, instead of trying to force yourself to forget them [1].

Healing from a Broken Relationship

The sources suggest that healing from a broken relationship involves remembering specific aspects of the relationship, rather than trying to forget the person [1, 2]. According to the sources, feeling forgotten or neglected can be a very painful experience [1]. Instead of forcing yourself to forget, you should allow yourself to remember [1].

The sources provide several things you can remember that can help with the healing process [1]:
- Remember the pain and tears they caused you [1].
- Remember having to hide your sadness [1].
- Remember that they are choosing to spend their birthdays and future with someone else [1].
- Remember when they broke their promise not to leave you [1].
- Remember how they left you to deal with loneliness on your own [1].
- Remember that they were not there to be your plus one at events like weddings or parties [1].
- Remember how they changed their mind and left without you [1].
- Remember how they did not help you avoid difficult questions from family about your relationship [1].
- Remember how they did not give you an answer or help you find it when you needed it [1].
- Remember how they treated you like a stranger rather than a friend [1].
- Remember how they took your smile away, and chose to make someone else smile [1, 2].
- Remember that they are not remembering you, and they want you to forget them [1, 2].
- Remember them when you finally get over them and when you see them and no longer recognize them [1, 2].
By remembering these things, you can move towards healing and letting go of the person [1, 2]. The sources also note that struggling to forget someone can be caused by the belief that they are “the one” or the fear that you won’t find anyone better [1]. However, it is suggested that if someone is not the right person, they may come back into your life, or you will find someone better [1]. The sources suggest that you may find someone just as good who won’t forget you [1].

Healing After Heartbreak: Remembering to Forget

The sources discuss moving on from a relationship by focusing on remembering specific aspects of the relationship, rather than trying to forget the person [1, 2]. The sources emphasize that feeling forgotten or neglected by someone you care about can be very painful [1]. Instead of forcing yourself to forget, you should allow yourself to remember [1, 2].

The sources suggest that people struggle to move on because they may believe that the person was “the one” or they fear that they won’t find anyone better [1]. However, if someone is not the right person for you, they may return to your life, or you will find someone better [1]. The sources also suggest that you may find someone just as good who won’t forget you [1].

The healing process, and moving on, involves remembering specific instances of the relationship. These memories can help you to move on [1, 2]:
- Remember the pain and tears they caused you [1].
- Remember having to hide your sadness [1].
- Remember that they are choosing to spend their birthdays and future with someone else [1].
- Remember when they broke their promise not to leave you [1].
- Remember how they left you to deal with loneliness on your own [1].
- Remember that they were not there to be your plus one at events like weddings or parties [1].
- Remember how they changed their mind and left without you [1].
- Remember how they did not help you avoid difficult questions from family about your relationship [1].
- Remember how they did not give you an answer or help you find it when you needed it [1].
- Remember how they treated you like a stranger rather than a friend [1].
- Remember how they took your smile away, and chose to make someone else smile [2].
- Remember that they are not remembering you, and they want you to forget them [2].
- Remember them when you finally get over them and when you see them and no longer recognize them [2].
By remembering these things, you can move towards healing and letting go of the person. The sources emphasize that instead of forcing yourself to try to forget the person, you should allow yourself to remember them [1].

Healing After Relationship Loss

The sources do not directly discuss self-acceptance. However, they do touch on related concepts that may be helpful when considering self-acceptance.

According to the sources, people struggle to move on from a relationship because they may believe that the person was “the one” or they fear that they won’t find anyone better [1]. These ideas may be related to a lack of self-acceptance. The sources suggest that if someone is not the right person for you, they may return to your life, or you will find someone better [1]. This idea emphasizes that there are other people who are compatible with you and that you are not limited to one person for happiness.

The sources recommend that instead of trying to forget a person, you should allow yourself to remember them [1]. This is a form of self-compassion and self-acceptance, as it acknowledges the pain and feelings that are a part of the healing process, and allows yourself to feel those feelings instead of suppressing them. The sources also emphasize that feeling forgotten or neglected by someone you care about can be very painful [1]. Acknowledging and accepting this pain, rather than suppressing or denying it, is a step toward self-acceptance.

Specific memories that can help with letting go and healing include remembering times you were treated poorly, such as when they broke their promise not to leave, when they made you feel lonely, and when they treated you like a stranger [1]. The sources suggest remembering how they took your smile away, and chose to make someone else smile, as well as, remembering that they are not remembering you, and they want you to forget them [1, 2]. These memories can help you to recognize that the relationship was not healthy and that you deserve better, which can be an important step in accepting yourself and your needs.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!
August 10, 2025
This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe
Heidi Priebe’s The Art of Letting Go excerpt explores the emotional process of accepting a significant loss. The text portrays the narrator’s journey through grief, emphasizing acceptance and the bittersweet understanding that letting go is a necessary part of moving forward. It focuses on themes of heartbreak, resilience, and finding peace after a relationship ends. Priebe uses emotional imagery and repetition to convey the intensity of the narrator’s feelings. The passage ultimately suggests that letting go, though painful, allows for personal growth and a hopeful future.

Letting Go: A Study Guide

Short Answer Questions
1. Describe the imagery used in the excerpt to convey the feeling of missing someone.
2. Explain the significance of the phrase “This is not my asking you to bridge our two minds.”
3. What does the author mean by “This is me accepting that I don’t get to do-over the last time I kissed you goodbye”?
4. How does the author portray acceptance in the context of a lost love?
5. What does the author suggest about the future of the person being addressed?
6. Explain the metaphor of the “world’s weight” being “too heavy to bear.”
7. What is the central message the author is trying to convey about letting go?
8. How does the author characterize the love she had for the person she is letting go of?
9. What does the author mean when she says, “sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them go”?
10. What is the significance of the final line, “This is me letting you go”?
Answer Key
1. The excerpt uses vivid imagery such as the weight of the night, the absence of someone in bed, and the lingering scent and heartbeat to evoke the feeling of acutely missing someone who is no longer there.
2. This phrase signifies the author’s understanding that she cannot force a connection or shared understanding with the other person. It is an acceptance of the separation between their perspectives.
3. The author is acknowledging that she cannot change the past or have another chance at a final goodbye. She is accepting the reality of the situation and the permanence of the separation.
4. Acceptance is portrayed as a process of acknowledging the loss and the reality of the situation. It involves letting go of the past and allowing oneself to move forward, even with the pain of the separation.
5. The author suggests that the person she is addressing will find love and happiness in the future, even if it’s not with her. She acknowledges that their paths have diverged and expresses hope for their individual well-being.
6. The metaphor of the “world’s weight” being “too heavy to bear” represents the overwhelming burden of grief, loss, and the pain of letting go. It highlights the intense emotional struggle the author is facing.
7. The central message is that letting go, while incredibly difficult, can be an act of love. It allows both individuals to grow, pursue their paths, and potentially find happiness elsewhere.
8. The author characterizes her love as deep and genuine. She acknowledges the pain of letting go, implying the significance of the relationship and the depth of her feelings.
9. Letting go, even when you love someone, can be the best thing because it allows them the freedom to find happiness and fulfillment that might not be possible within the confines of the relationship.
10. The final line emphasizes the decisive nature of the author’s decision. It marks the culmination of her process of acceptance and signifies the release of her attachment, allowing both herself and the other person to move forward.
Essay Questions
1. Analyze the use of figurative language in the excerpt and its impact on conveying the theme of letting go.
2. Discuss the concept of acceptance as presented in the excerpt. How does the author portray the struggle and ultimate resolution of accepting the loss of a loved one?
3. Explore the idea of letting go as an act of love. How can releasing someone, even when you care deeply, be beneficial for both individuals involved?
4. Analyze the emotional tone of the excerpt. How does the author’s use of language convey the complex feelings of grief, acceptance, and hope for the future?
5. Discuss the significance of the ending of the excerpt. How does the final line provide closure while also hinting at the possibility of personal growth and healing?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Acceptance: The process of acknowledging and embracing the reality of a situation, even if it is painful or undesirable.
- Letting go: Releasing attachment to someone or something, often involving a conscious decision to move forward without them.
- Figurative language: The use of literary devices, such as metaphors and similes, to create vivid imagery and convey deeper meaning.
- Emotional tone: The overall feeling or mood conveyed in a piece of writing, often established through the author’s choice of words and imagery.
- Closure: A sense of resolution or completion, often achieved through acceptance and understanding of a situation.
Letting Go: A Painful Act of Acceptance

The provided excerpts from Heidi Priebe’s “The Art of Letting Go” delve into the heart-wrenching process of accepting the end of a relationship. The author uses vivid imagery and raw emotion to convey the complex mix of grief, understanding, and ultimately, liberation that comes with true acceptance.

Accepting the Inevitable: The text emphasizes that letting go is not about bargaining or clinging to what was, but about acknowledging the reality of the situation. It’s the understanding that “there’s no further argument to make, no angle left to take, no plea or bargain I could wager that could get you to change your mind and stay.” This acceptance is not a passive resignation but a conscious choice to step away from a path that is no longer viable.

Living with the Loss: The author paints a poignant picture of the lingering presence of the absent loved one, describing a deep-seated physical awareness of their absence: “I’m going to miss you. There are going to be nights where I curl up in bed with a swell and a wave and a mug of tea and your absence on the left side of the bed is a chasm that swallows me.” This imagery powerfully conveys the rawness of grief and the feeling of emptiness that accompanies loss.

Unclasping the Fingers: Letting go is presented as a gradual process, a deliberate act of “unclasping the fingers” that were once tightly intertwined with the other person. It involves a shift in focus, a conscious decision to move forward despite the pain: “This is knowing that when I let you go, no matter how much it tears me apart to do so – no matter how your arms fit around me or how your love used to hard-wire me with this place – that someday when I hold your face in my palms, it’s not going to be me who placed her there.”

Love in Letting Go: While laced with sadness, the text ultimately frames letting go as an act of love. It’s about wanting what’s best for both parties, even if it means stepping back and allowing them to pursue their own paths: “This is my acceptance, my twisted path to happy, my straightforward and unwavering wish for you to take whatever crooked, twisted path you need to take if it will lead you towards your dreams.”

Final Thoughts: These excerpts poignantly capture the essence of letting go – the pain of loss intertwined with the strength of acceptance and the selfless desire for the other person’s happiness. It’s a bittersweet recognition that sometimes, letting go is the most loving thing we can do.

FAQs About Letting Go

1. What does it truly mean to let go of someone?

Letting go is a multifaceted process of acceptance. It’s acknowledging that the relationship, as it was, is over and that there’s no going back. It’s releasing the need to bargain or change the outcome. It involves understanding that sometimes the most loving act is to let the other person pursue their own path, even if it’s without you. It’s about choosing your own well-being and acknowledging that sometimes the best thing for both individuals is to separate.

2. How do I cope with the physical sensations of loss and grief?

The author describes the feeling of loss as a weight so heavy it’s difficult to bear. Acknowledge these feelings – the tightness in your chest, the ache in your heart. Understand that these sensations are a natural part of grieving. Allow yourself to feel the pain without judgment, knowing that it will eventually lessen in intensity.

3. How do I deal with the memories?

Memories, both good and bad, will surface. Instead of trying to suppress them, acknowledge their presence. Recognize that they were a part of your life, and accept that they will likely stay with you in some form. Over time, the sting of these memories will fade, and you’ll be able to cherish them without overwhelming pain.

4. What if I’m not ready to let go?

It’s okay to feel reluctance. Letting go is a process, not a switch you flip. Don’t pressure yourself to reach a certain emotional state instantly. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.

5. How do I know if letting go is the right thing to do?

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them go, even if it hurts. If the relationship is causing more pain than joy, or if it’s hindering your personal growth or the growth of the other person, letting go might be the healthiest choice, even if it’s difficult.

6. What if I regret letting go?

Doubt and second-guessing are normal parts of the process. You might question your decision, wondering if you could have done things differently. Acknowledge these feelings, but remember that you made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time.

7. Can I still love someone after letting them go?

Love can take many forms. Letting go doesn’t erase the love you shared. It simply transforms it. You can still hold love and care in your heart for the person, even without being in a romantic relationship with them.

8. What does the future hold after letting go?

Letting go opens space for new possibilities and growth. It allows you to heal, rediscover yourself, and potentially find new love and happiness in the future. It’s a challenging experience, but it can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

The book excerpt describes acceptance as acknowledging there are no further agreements or bargains to be made. [1] Letting go involves understanding that even though you may never forget, the pain will eventually subside. [1] The excerpt goes on to state that acceptance means knowing when to let go in order for both parties to be happy. [2] This means acknowledging that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them go. [2]

The author of This is Me Letting You Go describes heartbreak as something that will cause physical pain and heartache [1]. The author also writes that letting go is a gift that you give to yourself and to the person you love [2].

The sources describe love as something that you should let go of when it is no longer serving you. [1] The author encourages the reader to let go of the person they love so that both parties can be happy. [1] The author states that you can love someone so much that you let them go, do more, feel more and be more than they ever could by staying. [1]

Loss is described as something that will cause physical pain, heartache, and grief. [1, 2] Loss can make you feel as though the weight of the world is too heavy to bear. [1] The author also writes that letting go is a gift that you give to yourself and to the person you love. [1]

Moving On: Loss and Acceptance

Moving on is acknowledging that there will be nights when the pain of loss is very difficult. [1] There will be times when the weight of the world feels too much to bear. [1] However, the pain of loss will eventually subside. [2] Moving on requires accepting that your love may never fully go away. [2] You may go through life remembering the good times. [2] You may even experience phantom feelings from your lost love. [1] Moving on means understanding that you can still love someone and let them go so that you can both be happy. [1] This may be the best way to allow each of you to achieve your dreams. [1] It may be the kindest thing to do. [1]

Healing After Loss

The healing process begins with acceptance. [1] You must acknowledge that there are no more agreements or bargains to be made. [1] You must accept that you may never fully get over the loss. [1] However, over time, the pain will lessen. [1] The healing process may involve phantom feelings as your mind adjusts to the loss. [1] You may even go through life remembering moments with your lost love. [1] Healing may involve understanding that letting go can be the best thing for both of you. [2] Moving on allows each of you to be happy and achieve your dreams. [2]

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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August 5, 2025