This text explores the concept of “givers,” “takers,” and “matchers” in various contexts, examining how different approaches to reciprocity impact success. It analyzes the strategies employed by successful givers across diverse fields, such as business, politics, and sports, highlighting the importance of factors like sincerity, perspective-taking, and effective communication. The text also investigates the challenges faced by givers, including burn-out and exploitation, and offers strategies for mitigating these risks. Furthermore, it discusses the interplay between altruism and self-interest, emphasizing the benefits of “otherish giving” – a balanced approach that prioritizes both personal and collective well-being. Finally, the text provides practical advice and examples to help readers cultivate more effective giving behaviors.
Give and Take: A Study Guide
Quiz
Instructions: Answer each question in 2-3 complete sentences.
- What is the key difference between “takers” and “givers” according to the text?
- How did David Hornik’s approach to offering term sheets differ from typical venture capitalists?
- What is the “national debt” that Sampson jokingly referred to, and how did it shape his approach to life and law?
- According to the text, what are “idiosyncrasy credits,” and how do they relate to collaborative environments?
- What does the story of Jonas Salk illustrate about the importance of giving credit in scientific collaboration?
- How did Adam Rifkin build his network of contacts and what was the core of his approach?
- How do “intention questions” influence people’s behavior? Give an example from the text.
- What does it mean for a person to have a “disagreeable giver” personality?
- What was the “metronome incident” and how did it change the author’s perspective on his own limitations?
- Explain the significance of the name “Dennis” and its connection to dentistry according to the text.
Quiz Answer Key
- Takers seek to get more than they give, prioritizing their own interests, while givers focus on contributing to others’ needs, often putting the needs of others ahead of their own. This difference in perspective guides their actions and interactions.
- Unlike most venture capitalists, Hornik did not set deadlines for entrepreneurs to make decisions. He gave them ample time to explore their options, thus prioritizing the entrepreneur’s best interests over his own immediate gain.
- Sampson’s “national debt” was a loan he incurred from a failed business and his partner’s death. This forced him to pay off the large debt. He committed to paying back every cent, highlighting his willingness to prioritize moral responsibility over personal gain.
- “Idiosyncrasy credits” are positive impressions accumulated through generous actions in a group. These credits give group members a license to deviate from expectations.
- Jonas Salk took sole credit for the polio vaccine, which led to colleagues and his isolation later in his career. The text shows that giving credit to others is essential for maintaining relationships and advancing collaboration.
- Rifkin built his extensive network by being genuinely curious and helpful, asking thoughtful questions and listening patiently. He focuses on giving and connecting people to each other without expectation of return.
- “Intention questions” influence behavior by prompting people to commit to a course of action. Asking someone if they plan to floss their teeth makes them more likely to do so, by triggering their commitment.
- A “disagreeable giver” has a tough or confrontational demeanor but is genuinely generous with their time and expertise. They may have high expectations but ultimately care about the well-being of others.
- The author was unable to master the metronome in diving practice and was nicknamed “Frankenstein.” It showed him that his skills are limited. This helped him understand that other people also have weaknesses.
- The text explains that statistically, there were far more dentists named “Dennis” than expected. This is because people are attracted to things that remind them of themselves.
Essay Questions
- Analyze the impact of reciprocity styles (giving, taking, matching) on personal and professional success, drawing on examples from the text.
- Explore the concept of “powerless communication” and its effectiveness in various contexts, such as sales, leadership, and negotiations.
- Discuss the ways in which givers can avoid being taken advantage of (“doormats”) and find a healthy balance between helping others and maintaining their own well-being.
- Evaluate the role of networking in the context of giver, taker, and matcher personalities, and how they approach this activity with different motivations and strategies.
- How can the ideas presented in this book, about giving and taking, be applied to a specific field of work like healthcare, technology, or education?
Glossary of Key Terms
- Giver: An individual who prioritizes helping others and contributing to their needs, often without expecting immediate reciprocation.
- Taker: An individual who primarily focuses on getting more than they give, putting their own interests ahead of others.
- Matcher: An individual who aims for equal exchanges in relationships, seeking reciprocity in their interactions with others.
- Idiosyncrasy Credits: Positive impressions accumulated in the minds of group members through acts of generosity, allowing an individual to deviate from group norms.
- Five-Minute Favor: A small, quick act of help that someone can do for another without major time investment.
- Dormant Ties: Past connections or relationships that have fallen dormant, but that can be reactivated with a positive effect.
- Lekking: A behavior observed in animals where males display to show their desirability. The term is used to describe takers in human society who display self-serving behaviors to attract help.
- Perspective Taking: The ability to see a situation from another person’s point of view. It can lead to more generosity.
- Otherish: Acting in a manner that seeks to benefit both one’s self and others, while also being concerned about one’s own well being.
- Powerless Communication: A style of communication characterized by modesty, asking questions, and expressing vulnerability. It is often used by givers and can be very persuasive.
- Intention Questions: Questions that prompt people to articulate a plan, making them more likely to follow through with a desired behavior.
- Elevation: The warm feeling experienced when one is moved by others’ acts of giving, inspiring a sense of moral inspiration.
- Reciprocity Ring: A structured activity in which members make requests for help and offer to help others. This shows the power of networks.
- Sunk Cost Fallacy: The tendency to continue investing in a failing project because of the time and money already invested.
- Chunking: A strategy used by givers to organize tasks and responsibilities to avoid becoming overwhelmed. The act of combining smaller tasks in order to see a broader goal.
- Sprinkling: A strategy used by givers where the individual does not combine small tasks into a larger goal but does small tasks as they come without a bigger vision.
- Pronoia: The opposite of paranoia, the belief that the world is conspiring to do one good.
Give and Take: A Summary of Adam Grant’s Work
Okay, here is a detailed briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided excerpts of “Give and Take” by Adam Grant:
Briefing Document: “Give and Take” by Adam Grant
Executive Summary:
This document analyzes excerpts from Adam Grant’s “Give and Take,” focusing on the dynamics of giving, taking, and matching in various professional and personal contexts. Grant challenges the notion that success is solely driven by self-interest, highlighting the power of generosity and other-focused behaviors. The excerpts explore how givers achieve success, identify and avoid being taken advantage of, and understand how both individual and situational factors influence our reciprocity styles. The core message is that by understanding and cultivating giving behaviors, we can foster both personal and collective success.
Key Themes and Ideas:
- Reciprocity Styles: Givers, Takers, and Matchers
- Givers: Individuals who prioritize others’ needs, often giving more than they receive. They seek to contribute and help, placing others’ interests ahead of their own.
- “Although Hornik hoped Shader would conclude that the right decision was to sign with him, he put Shader’s best interests ahead of his own, giving Shader space to explore other options.”
- Takers: Those who aim to get more than they give, tilting reciprocity in their own favor. They are self-promoters and prioritize their own interests.
- “Takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their own favor, putting their own interests ahead of others’ needs.”
- Matchers: Individuals who strive for a balance in giving and receiving, believing in “tit for tat.”
- The Surprising Success of Givers:
- Grant highlights how givers often achieve exceptional long-term success, challenging the conventional wisdom that success requires being a taker. Examples provided include venture capitalist David Hornik, George Meyer (writer for The Simpsons) and C.J Skender.
- “Hornik has been extremely successful as a venture capitalist while living by his values, and he’s widely respected for his generosity.”
- Success often stems from their ability to build strong, lasting relationships, earn trust, and foster collaboration.
- “I get to create an environment where other people can get deals and build relationships, and I live in the world I want to live in.”
- Identifying and Navigating Takers:
- Takers often disguise themselves as givers to gain access to networks and resources.
- “To avoid getting shut out, many takers become good fakers, acting generously so that they can waltz into our networks disguised as givers or matchers.”
- Takers often exhibit subtle signals, “lekking,” that reveal their self-serving motives: boasting, taking excessive credit, and making self-promotional statements.
- The author describes this as “leaking clues”. “Luckily, research shows that takers leak clues. Well, more precisely, takers lek clues.”
- Being able to recognize these signs is crucial in avoiding exploitation.
- The Power of Giving in Networking and Collaboration:
- Givers build strong networks by focusing on helping others and making genuine connections. This includes activating dormant ties.
- “Each time he gave, he created a new connection.”
- Collaboration is enhanced when individuals prioritize contributing and sharing credit, as seen with the example of George Meyer.
- “One of the best things about developing that credibility was if I wanted to try something that was fairly strange, people would be willing to at least give it a shot at the table read,”
- The lack of crediting others can destroy relationships. “Thou shalt give credit to others.”
- Groups reward individuals who are willing to sacrifice and give through “idiosyncrasy credits”. “Groups reward individual sacrifice.”
- The Importance of Perspective-Taking:
- Givers demonstrate an aptitude for understanding others’ perspectives and needs, enabling them to contribute more effectively.
- “When I gave further thought to Michael’s interests, I realized that the booklets would be more valuable to him if he could sponsor them exclusively, rather than featuring other companies’ ads.”
- Perspective-taking can be hindered by the “perspective gap”, where we struggle to understand others’ feelings or preferences.
- Giver Motivation and Avoiding Burnout:
- Givers can avoid burnout by focusing on making an impact through chunking – focusing on the impact of their work and those they have helped.
- They are motivated by creating an environment in which others can benefit and are more likely to feel energized by giving when they are connecting it to the difference it is making to the lives of others.
- The idea that Givers are most likely to burn out is challenged by this text.
- “Some people think I’m delusional. They believe the way you achieve is by being a taker,”
- The Otherish Approach to Success
- Givers can develop an otherish approach, by balancing the needs of others with their own interests. They can achieve this by combining both modesty and assertiveness to overcome the pushover effect.
- “Whether you’re nice or not nice is separate from whether you’re self-focused or other-focused. They’re independent, not opposites.”
- Givers can be both agreeable and disagreeable but should prioritize the needs of others above their own.
- Powerless Communication:
- Givers often use “powerless” communication styles such as asking questions, being modest, and expressing vulnerability.
- “By asking questions and listening to the answers, Grumbles showed his customers that he cared about their interests. This built prestige: customers respected and admired the concern that he showed.”
- This seemingly weaker approach can be highly effective in building trust and influencing others.
- “I don’t look at it as selling,” he explains. “I see myself as an optician. We’re in the medical field first, retail second, sales maybe third. My job is to take the patient, ask the patient questions, and see what the patient needs. My mind-set is not to sell. My job is to help.”
- The Scrooge Shift:
- The text explores the psychology of why we are more likely to give to others when they are more similar to us.
- “People were more likely to give microloans to borrowers who shared their first initials or their occupations.”
- It looks at how feeling a part of a community can increase our desire to give.
- It illustrates how small acts of giving can be contagious and inspire others to act kindly.
- Recognizing and Cultivating Talent:
- Givers are often skilled at recognizing and nurturing talent in others, prioritizing long-term potential over immediate achievement.
- Talent experts make mistakes when they are too focused on short term successes over investing in someone’s potential and long term development.
- “Stu was a kind person, considerate of other people’s feelings,” Wayne Thompson told me. “But he never let that influence selections. If he didn’t think a guy could play, he put his arm around him and wished him well.””
- Givers are better placed to make judgements on talent when they don’t feel egotistically responsible for previous negative decisions.
Key Quotes:
- “If I don’t look out for myself first, no one will.” – This is the mindset of Takers.
- “It’s a win-win, I get to create an environment where other people can get deals and build relationships, and I live in the world I want to live in.” – David Hornik on the benefits of being a Giver.
- “It’s not just about building your reputation; it really is about being there for other people.” – Adam Rifkin on the value of helping others.
- “He just went through it line by line, and he was incredibly generous. His notes helped me fix things that were bugging me at the bottom of my soul, but I couldn’t articulate them.” – Tim Long, on the generosity of George Meyer.
- “We should be like that. —Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor” – An encouragement to become givers.
Conclusion:
These excerpts from “Give and Take” argue that a giving orientation is not a weakness but a powerful force for success. By understanding the dynamics of reciprocity, learning to identify and navigate takers, and cultivating a genuine desire to help others, individuals can create more productive and fulfilling personal and professional lives. The key lies in balancing the need to contribute with the need to protect oneself, adopting an otherish approach that recognizes the value of both giving and receiving.
This briefing provides a foundation for understanding the core arguments of “Give and Take”. Further reading is recommended to explore all of the nuances and supporting evidence for the ideas presented.
The Generosity Paradox
How can I distinguish between a genuine giver and a taker who is faking generosity?
Takers often exhibit subtle clues, similar to animals displaying their desirability in “lekking” rituals. Takers tend to disproportionately talk about themselves, seek excessive credit, and use first-person singular pronouns (like “I” and “me”). Genuine givers are more likely to ask about others and express genuine interest in their experiences. Takers may also try to rush or demand things from others, whereas givers are more patient and considerate.
What are some key ways givers can avoid burnout and maintain their energy when helping others?
Givers can avoid burnout by focusing on making a significant impact rather than spreading their efforts too thin. They benefit from “chunking” their efforts, concentrating energy on specific meaningful projects rather than “sprinkling” it across many smaller activities. Social support and positive feedback from those they help can also provide an energy boost and reinforce their commitment to giving. Givers also need to ensure that they are getting as much as they are giving, not necessarily in the form of direct reciprocation but in the form of social connection, professional growth, and a sense of meaning and purpose.
Can being a giver be compatible with being assertive, and how might givers negotiate effectively?
Yes, givers can and should be assertive, but they often need to overcome the perception that giving is synonymous with being a pushover. They can use an “otherish” approach to negotiation. This involves understanding not just their own interests, but also the interests and needs of the other party. Givers can effectively influence others through methods that involve asking questions, listening actively, and reframing situations to benefit both parties. They can also leverage relational accounts – emphasizing past helpful actions. It’s also beneficial for them to recognize and articulate their own value.
How does “powerless communication” help givers influence others?
Powerless communication, which includes elements like asking questions, showing vulnerability, and using tentative language, enhances a giver’s influence by making them appear more approachable, authentic, and trustworthy. This approach builds prestige by demonstrating that the giver values the audience’s input and is not solely focused on their own needs or competence. By showing vulnerability, givers establish credibility and encourage reciprocity. This form of communication also encourages others to share information which enables the giver to be more helpful.
How can givers recognize and develop potential in others?
Givers excel at recognizing potential by focusing on passion, engagement, and a growth mindset rather than just present abilities. They prioritize building relationships and creating a supportive environment. Givers are also skilled at providing encouragement and constructive feedback, and they often value and seek out potential in individuals who are not immediately obvious “stars”. Givers tend to have more patience with people they recognize potential in even if the immediate results don’t match their investment.
Why do givers often struggle with taking credit for their contributions?
Givers often downplay their contributions due to a focus on collective success and a genuine desire to avoid seeming self-promotional or arrogant. This is often rooted in a belief in shared responsibility and not wanting to appear that they are taking advantage of others. This humility, though often genuine, can sometimes limit their own visibility and advancement. Givers can overcome this by reframing how they talk about their contributions as not just personal achievements but achievements that benefit the team, project, or even the larger society.
How do personal connections like names and fingerprints impact giving behavior?
Surprisingly, superficial similarities, such as sharing a name or initials, can increase empathy and the likelihood of helping others. People are more inclined to help individuals who remind them of themselves. This seems to be an effect of subconscious biases that result in more “enthusiasm, friendliness and open-mindedness.” It can provide a starting point to make a deeper, more meaningful connection but similarity is not a replacement for other factors.
Why is a sense of community and the feeling of “elevation” important for promoting giving behaviors?
A sense of shared identity, whether a local community or a common belief, enhances the impact of giving. When people feel connected and see others giving, they feel a sense of “elevation” – a warmth that pushes a “reset button,” replacing cynicism with inspiration and leading to a desire to act in ways that match the example. In contrast, when giving behaviors are associated with those who are perceived as “outsiders”, that same desire is far less common. Seeing generosity in others inspires similar generosity.
Give and Take: A Network of Givers
Okay, here is the timeline and cast of characters based on the provided text:
Timeline of Main Events
- Early 1990s:George Meyer begins writing for The Simpsons and wins multiple Emmy Awards.
- Craig Newmark leaves IBM and takes a job at Charles Schwab.
- 1992:A Simpsons episode written by Meyer, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington,” is nominated for an Environmental Media Award.
- 1993:Craig Newmark starts looking for ways to socialize after moving to the Bay Area.
- 1995:Newmark begins emailing friends about local arts and technology events which grows to 240 people by June.
- 1996:Newmark’s email list moves to a listserv and becomes the website Craigslist.
- Early 2000s:Adam Rifkin offers a contract to Evan Williams of Blogger to help the company stay afloat, which indirectly helps Williams later cofound Twitter.
- C.J. Skender’s accounting students sweep the CPA exam top three spots in North Carolina.
- 2001:Adam Rifkin contracts with Blogger to do work for his company KnowNow, so that Blogger can survive.
- 2003:A Simpsons fan named Rob Bauer crossbreeds a tomato and tobacco (tomacco), inspired by the show.
- 2004:George Meyer leaves The Simpsons.
- 2005:Rifkin and Joyce Park found 106 Miles.
- 2007Scientists name a new species of moss frog in Sri Lanka after George Meyer’s daughter.
- 2010:Tim Long, a former Simpsons writer, receives feedback and assistance from George Meyer in getting published in The New Yorker.
- 2011Tim Long’s dream of being published in The New Yorker is fulfilled twice.
- LinkedIn names Adam Rifkin one of their top networkers.
- 2012:A startup funded by David Hornik is valued at more than $3 Billion on its first day of trading.
- Freecycle has more than nine million members in over 110 countries.
- Ongoing:David Hornik continues to have a high success rate with entrepreneurs accepting his term sheets.
- C.J. Skender continues to teach at Duke University and the University of North Carolina.
- Adam Rifkin continues to organize and host the 106 Miles networking events.
Cast of Characters
- Adam Grant: The author of “Give and Take” and the one sharing all these stories.
- Adam Rifkin (Panda Adam): Software engineer, co-founder of 106 Miles, recognized as a top networker by LinkedIn. A classic giver, he helps connect others and invests in their success.
- Adam Rifkin (Hollywood Adam): In the film industry, known for being generous and helpful, forms a strong bond with Panda Adam.
- Bill Grumbles: A successful salesman who uses a “powerless” approach by asking questions and listening to his customers, making them feel understood.
- C. Daniel Batson: Psychologist known for his work on altruism and empathy.
- C. J. Skender: A highly respected and awarded accounting professor at both Duke University and the University of North Carolina. A giver, recognized for his ability to identify and cultivate potential in his students and his unconventional teaching style.
- Carolyn Omine: A writer for The Simpsons who highlights George Meyer’s integrity and giving nature.
- Craig Newmark: Founder of Craigslist, who initially intended it to be a social networking tool rather than a commercial venture.
- Danny Shader: Serial entrepreneur, calls himself the “old man of the internet,” who initially hesitates to sign with David Hornik. He recognizes the distinction between being nice and being other-focused.
- Dave Walton: A lawyer with a stutter who gains respect from the jury by showing his vulnerability.
- David Hornik: A venture capitalist known for his generosity and “giver” approach, which has led to a high acceptance rate for his term sheets, and whose approach to business contrasts with the typical cutthroat taker style.
- Derek Sorensen: A former professional athlete who was initially known as a ruthless negotiator, but ultimately shifts his approach after realizing its negative impacts and embracing his natural giving nature.
- Deron Beal: Founder of Freecycle, a free online local giving network. He seeks to create a sense of local community by example.
- Edwin Hollander: A psychologist known for his work on “idiosyncrasy credits.”
- Evan Williams: Founder of Blogger, later co-founder of Twitter. He receives help from Adam Rifkin, enabling his first company’s survival.
- George Meyer: A writer for The Simpsons, known for his comedic talent, integrity, and generosity as a collaborator. A giver who has a significant positive influence on others, even after leaving The Simpsons.
- Greg Sands: Mananging Director of a private equity firm, and “Homer disciple” who confirms Mike Homer’s combination of hard edge and generosity.
- Henry Moon: A researcher at London Business School who studied escalation of commitment and ego threat.
- Jeff Galak: Researcher who studied microloans on Kiva.
- Jennifer Aaker: Colleague who provided advice on writing this book.
- Jonas Salk: Scientist who developed the polio vaccine but faced criticism for taking sole credit.
- Joyce Park: Co-founder of 106 Miles.
- Julius Erving (Dr. J.): NBA Hall of Fame player, a player Stu Inman missed the opportunity to draft.
- Ken Lay: CEO of Enron, who disguised himself as a giver while being a taker.
- Kevin Liles: Rose from intern to president at Def Jam Records due to his giving attitude.
- Kildare Escoto: An optician who prioritizes patient needs over sales, seen as a great salesman despite not using direct sales techniques.
- LaRue Martin: A disappointing NBA player, the first pick for Portland by Stu Inman in 1972.
- Lillian Bauer: An advertising manager who successfully used “otherish” techniques to resolve a client issue and win a larger deal. Note: This is a pseudonym.
- Mark Twain: Author and humorist whose quote on the principle of give and take opens chapter one.
- Mike Homer: Late marketing executive at Netscape, described as “crusty as hell on the outside, but on the inside he was pure gold,” a disagreeable giver.
- Nancy Phelps: An optician who follows a similar approach to Kildare Escoto, focusing on the needs of her clients and the relationship.
- Paul Saffo: Member of the World Economic Forum Council on Strategic Foresight.
- Peter Audet: An Australian consultant who improves client’s tax and business situation after an initial act of kindness.
- Reid Hoffman: LinkedIn founder who wrote an article called “Connections with Integrity.”
- Rick Kot: At Viking, goes above and beyond for author Adam Grant.
- Rob Bauer: A Simpsons fan who crossbred tomato and tobacco into “tomacco.”
- Robb Willer: Sociologist who studies how groups reward individual sacrifice.
- Russell Simmons: Co-founder of Def Jam Records, known for finding and promoting givers.
- Shalom Schwartz: Psychologist who has studied values in different cultures around the world.
- Stu Inman: Former NBA director of player personnel, a known “giver” who made mistakes when drafting players, and who felt responsible to the team over ego or sunk cost.
- Tommie Smith: Exceptional athlete, recruited by Stu Inman, who switched from basketball to track and whose decision was supported by Inman.
- Wayne Baker: Organizational behavior professor who studies and implements “Reciprocity Rings.”
This detailed timeline and cast of characters should provide a comprehensive overview of the information presented in your source text.
Give and Take: A Strategic Approach to Success
“Give and Take” explores the dynamics of reciprocity in social interactions, categorizing people into three primary styles: givers, takers, and matchers [1, 2].
Key Concepts:
- Givers are other-focused, preferring to give more than they get, sharing their time, energy, knowledge, skills, ideas, and connections without expecting anything in return [3]. They are motivated by the benefits to others [3].
- Takers are self-focused, seeking to get more than they give, tilting reciprocity in their own favor, and prioritizing their interests [4]. They believe the world is a competitive, “dog-eat-dog” place where they need to be better than others to succeed [4].
- Matchers operate on the principle of fairness, striving to maintain an equal balance of giving and getting, and expecting reciprocity when they help others [2].
The book argues that while it might seem that takers have an advantage, givers can achieve greater success and produce more lasting value [5]. It also notes that these styles are not fixed, and individuals may shift between them across different roles and relationships [6].
Networking:
- Takers often view networking as a self-serving activity to advance their own interests [7]. They can be good fakers who act generously to gain access to others’ networks [8]. However, they may have difficulty maintaining this facade [9].
- Matchers tend to build smaller networks because they limit themselves to relationships where there is a quid pro quo [10].
- Givers are able to produce far more lasting value through their networks [5]. They approach networking with a genuine interest in helping others [7]. Givers often act as “suns” in networks, injecting energy and creating opportunities for others [11].
Collaboration:
- Givers collaborate effectively by respecting others’ ideas, sharing credit, and creating opportunities for others [11].
- Takers, on the other hand, may struggle to collaborate effectively due to their focus on their own viewpoints [12]. They may also be viewed with skepticism by colleagues who see them as self-serving [13].
- Matchers tend to give a bonus to givers in collaborations, while also penalizing takers [14].
Influence:
- There are two fundamental paths to influence: dominance and prestige [15].
- Takers tend to pursue dominance through powerful communication, speaking forcefully and promoting their accomplishments [15].
- Givers tend to build prestige through powerless communication, such as asking questions and expressing vulnerability [16, 17].
- Powerless communication is an effective way for givers to build relationships and trust, which often leads to greater influence [18].
- Givers ask questions and listen to answers, showing their interest in others and building prestige, which helps them understand and meet others’ needs [19-21].
Potential Pitfalls for Givers:
- Givers may be vulnerable to burnout if they give too much time and energy at the expense of their own needs [22].
- They can become “doormats” if they give too much credit and engage in too much powerless communication [22].
- Givers may be more susceptible to the “doormat effect,” where they are willing to make large concessions to reach an agreement, even if they have better options [23].
Strategies for Givers to Protect Themselves:
- Sincerity Screening: Givers can learn to identify potential takers and adjust their behavior [24].
- Generous Tit for Tat: Givers should start out by trusting others but be willing to shift to a matching strategy with takers [25, 26]. This involves alternating between giving and matching, rewarding good turns and occasionally forgiving bad ones [26].
- Empathy vs. Perspective: Givers should consider not only others’ feelings but also their thinking, so they can appeal to the self-interest of takers [27].
- Assertiveness: Givers should be assertive when advocating for their own and others’ interests [28, 29]. They can use “relational accounts” when asking for things that focus on the interests of others in addition to their own [28].
Creating a Culture of Giving:
- Reciprocity Rings: These are structured group activities that help people to make requests and help one another [30, 31].
- Love Machines: These reward people for giving in ways that leaders and managers rarely see and make acts of giving more visible [32, 33].
- Five-Minute Favors: Givers can look for ways to help others at a minimal personal cost, like offering feedback and making introductions [33].
- Generalized Giving Systems: Givers can encourage giving by establishing norms where everyone contributes [34, 35].
- Focus on Behavior: Change behaviors first, and attitudes will follow. This can encourage takers to start giving [36].
The book suggests that giving is not just about being nice but being strategic [37, 38]. By understanding the dynamics of giving, taking, and matching, people can harness the benefits of giving while minimizing the costs. Givers can climb the ladder of success by being otherish, meaning they keep their own interests in the rearview mirror, but still take care to trust and verify [39]. The book also addresses how to avoid burnout and the doormat effect that can come with giving without balance . It explains that giving can be a sustainable path to success when givers become more strategic and adopt a range of other behaviors .
Giving, Taking, and Matching: Strategies for Success
Based on the provided sources, here are some success strategies related to giving, taking, and matching:
Understanding Reciprocity Styles
- Recognize the three fundamental styles of social interaction: giving, taking, and matching [1].
- Understand that people usually develop a primary style that influences how they approach most people, most of the time [1].
- Be aware that the lines between these styles are not rigid, and people may shift from one style to another across different roles and relationships [1].
- Recognize that while givers can be seen as weak, they can be surprisingly successful [2, 3].
Strategies for Givers
- Give first, but don’t be a doormat: Givers should aim to contribute value without worrying about immediate returns, but they should not become pushovers [3-5].
- Be otherish: Focus on benefiting others and contributing to their success, which can create a ripple effect that enhances your own success [6].
- This includes having high concern for your own interests and high concern for the interests of others [7].
- Look for win-win solutions where everyone can benefit [7].
- Develop a strong network: Givers build strong networks by asking thoughtful questions and listening patiently. They focus on creating connections and helping others, which leads to opportunities [8].
- Collaborate effectively:
- Givers should take on tasks that are in the group’s best interest, not necessarily their own [9].
- They should create a climate where everyone feels safe to contribute and take risks [10].
- Givers should also be willing to challenge the status quo and offer new ideas [11].
- Use powerless communication:
- Instead of trying to dominate, givers should use communication styles that express vulnerability, such as asking questions, admitting weaknesses, and seeking advice [12-15].
- This approach can build trust, rapport, and prestige [15].
- Focus on “Motivation Maintenance”:Balance other-interest with self-interest to avoid burnout [16].
- Find meaning in helping others, as it can provide energy [17, 18].
- Make sure your giving has a positive impact .
- Avoid being exploited:Be aware of the “doormat effect,” where givers make too many concessions [19].
- Be prepared to shift from giving unconditionally to a more measured approach of “generous tit for tat,” rewarding good turns and occasionally forgiving bad ones [19, 20].
- Scan environments for potential takers, and be ready to analyze their thoughts, not just feel their emotions [20].
- Advocate for yourself and others: Be assertive when advocating for your own and others’ interests, drawing on your commitment to the people who matter to you [20, 21].
- Take perspective: Understand other people’s interests in addition to their feelings [7, 22].
- Create value: Rather than simply giving away value, givers should create value first so there is enough to claim for themselves [7].
- Be strategic and flexible: Givers should not be rigid about sticking with a single style across all interactions, and they should be comfortable with a matching approach when necessary [20].
Strategies for Matchers
- Recognize value in giving: Matchers should understand that giving is not just altruistic, it can also create value [23].
- Reward givers: Matchers should give a bonus to givers in collaborations [11, 24].
- Penalize takers: Matchers should impose a tax on takers [11, 25].
Strategies for Takers (and those wanting to avoid being taken advantage of):
- Recognize the limitations of taking: Takers might achieve short term gains, but they may ultimately undermine their success by damaging relationships and missing opportunities to expand the pie [26-28].
- Consider shifting your style: Takers might consider shifting toward a more giver-oriented approach to increase long-term success [23].
- Be aware of your reputation: Takers should know that their behaviors leak traces of their motives and that people may begin to question their sincerity [29].
- Be sincere when trying to help: If you want to be a strategic matcher, your efforts to help others must be perceived as genuine, or you may suffer a negative backlash [29].
- Avoid being overly self-interested: By being overly self-focused, takers might miss opportunities to collaborate and expand their influence [4].
- Be careful of overconfidence: Takers often believe that their competence is higher than it actually is [30].
General Strategies
- Embrace a long term view: See success as something that unfolds over time, not simply in isolated transactions [5, 7, 31].
- Focus on impact: Success can be defined as individual achievements that have a positive impact on others [32-34].
- Recognize the power of the collective: The sum of a group of givers is greater than the sum of their parts [34].
- Be aware of your own style: Be aware of your tendencies and how they affect your interactions and relationships [1].
These strategies emphasize that success is not just about individual achievement, but also about building relationships, collaborating effectively, and creating value for others [6, 35]. While givers may face unique challenges, they are also well-positioned for long-term success if they are strategic and avoid the pitfalls of being overly selfless [3].
The Giver’s Advantage
Givers are characterized by their other-focused approach, prioritizing the needs and benefits of others, often more than their own [1]. They are inclined to share their resources, including time, energy, knowledge, skills, ideas, and connections, without expecting anything in return [1]. The sources offer insight into the traits, motivations, and behaviors that make up a giver profile, as well as how they are viewed by others and how they achieve success.
Key Traits and Behaviors:
- Other-Focused: Givers are primarily concerned with what other people need from them, as opposed to takers who are more self-focused and evaluate what others can offer them [1].
- Generosity: They strive to be generous in sharing their resources with others who can benefit from them [1]. This generosity is not limited to monetary donations but extends to sharing their time, knowledge, and skills [1].
- Trusting: Givers tend to be trusting and optimistic about other people’s intentions, which can be a strength but also a vulnerability [2, 3]. They often start by viewing people as “bloomers” and try to bring out the best in them [2].
- Humility: Givers are often humble and uncomfortable asserting themselves directly [4]. They tend to downplay their own contributions and are more likely to give credit to others [5-8].
- Perspective-Taking: Givers are motivated to put themselves in other people’s shoes and consider different viewpoints [9]. They are more inclined to ask questions than offer answers, talk tentatively, admit weaknesses, and seek advice [10].
- Powerless Communication: Givers often use powerless communication to build rapport and trust. They tend to ask questions, listen to answers, and express vulnerability [11].
- Focus on Impact: They see success as individual achievements that have a positive impact on others [12].
- Openness: Givers are more open to new ideas, and they are willing to listen to those who challenge their status quo [13].
Motivations:
- Other-Interest: Givers are primarily motivated by helping others and working for the well-being of others [14, 15]. They are motivated to benefit others, so they find ways to put themselves in other people’s shoes [9].
- Self-Interest: Successful givers, described as “otherish,” balance other-interest with self-interest [16, 17]. They understand that their success is intertwined with the success of others and that by helping others, they create value for themselves [17, 18].
- Internalized Identity: Givers tend to internalize giving as part of their identities. They make a conscious decision to give and then recognize themselves as a giver [19].
How Givers are Viewed:
- Initially Underestimated: Givers are often stereotyped as chumps and doormats [20], but they can be surprisingly successful [20].
- Positive Reputation: Givers often build a positive reputation for being generous and helpful. This can lead to people wanting to help them in return [21].
- Credibility: In collaborations, givers are often given extra credit when they offer ideas that challenge the status quo [22]. When a giver is tough, their colleagues know it’s because they care about getting it right [22].
- Trustworthiness: People see givers as more trustworthy, and they are more likely to be honest and humble [23].
Types of Givers:
- Selfless Givers: They give without regard for their own well-being, often to the point of burnout [17]. They may end up being exploited by takers and may fall to the bottom of the success ladder [17]. They do not balance other-interest with self-interest [17].
- Otherish Givers: They are generous and helpful, but they are also strategic and mindful of their own needs [17]. They give in ways that are energizing rather than exhausting, making them more sustainable in the long run [18]. They understand that their success is intertwined with the success of others and that by helping others, they create value for themselves [17, 18].
- Disagreeable Givers: These are people who are rough and tough in demeanor but are ultimately generous [24]. They may come across as cold or confrontational, but they are still generous with their time, expertise, and connections [24].
Success Strategies for Givers:
- Strategic Giving: Successful givers are strategic in their giving, making sure it is sustainable and has an impact [25, 26]. They do not give without regard for their own needs [27].
- Sincerity Screening: Givers are able to identify potential takers by paying attention to how genuine they seem [28]. They can discern whether others are focused on learning and developing or merely self-promoting [28].
- Generous Tit for Tat: They start out by trusting others but are willing to shift to a matching strategy with takers by alternating between giving and matching [29].
- Building Networks: They cultivate strong and lasting networks by focusing on genuine connections and helping others [29, 30]. Givers approach networking with a genuine interest in helping others and are able to produce more lasting value through their networks [31].
- Collaboration: Givers create opportunities for others to contribute, resulting in more successful teams [32]. They use their intelligence to amplify the smarts and capabilities of other people, such that “lightbulbs go off over people’s heads, ideas flow, and problems get solved” [32].
- Powerless Communication: They use a communication style that expresses vulnerability, which helps them build trust and influence [11]. They are inclined to ask questions and listen to answers to show they care about the interests of others [11].
- Motivation Maintenance: They are able to find ways to give without burning out. Otherish givers build up a support network they can access for help when needed, and they may distribute their acts of kindness evenly across different days [17, 33].
- Assertiveness: They learn to be assertive when advocating for their own and others’ interests. They use “relational accounts” to frame their requests in terms of how they benefit others [34].
- Flexibility: They are able to adjust their reciprocity styles across different relationships [26].
In conclusion, the giver profile is complex, encompassing a range of behaviors, motivations, and strategies. Successful givers are not merely altruistic; they are strategic, flexible, and focused on creating value for themselves and others. They understand that giving is a powerful tool for building relationships, collaborating effectively, and achieving long-term success [20, 26, 35].
Powerless Communication: Influence Through Vulnerability
Powerless communication is a style of communication that emphasizes vulnerability, tentativeness, and a focus on the perspectives and interests of others [1, 2]. It is often contrasted with powerful communication, which is characterized by dominance, assertiveness, and self-promotion [3]. The sources suggest that givers instinctively adopt a powerless communication style, which proves surprisingly effective in building prestige and influence [2].
Key aspects of powerless communication include:
- Vulnerability: Powerless communicators are comfortable expressing vulnerability, revealing their weaknesses, and making use of disclaimers, hedges, and hesitations [1, 4, 5]. They are not afraid to expose “chinks in their armor,” because they are interested in helping others, not gaining power over them [4].
- Questioning: They are more inclined to ask questions than offer answers, seeking to understand others’ viewpoints and interests [2]. This approach signals that they value others’ opinions and are open to learning from them [6, 7].
- Tentativeness: They talk tentatively rather than boldly, using “hedges” such as “kinda,” “sorta,” “maybe,” and “I think” [1, 2, 5]. They also use tag questions, such as “that’s interesting, isn’t it?” or “that’s a good idea, right?” [5].
- Advice-Seeking: They seek advice from others, admitting that others might have superior knowledge [2, 8]. This conveys uncertainty and makes them vulnerable, but it also encourages greater cooperation and information sharing [8].
- Listening: They are more inclined to listen and are not concerned with demonstrating their knowledge [9].
How Powerless Communication Builds Influence:
- Prestige: Instead of establishing dominance, powerless communication helps build prestige, which is based on respect and admiration [2, 3].
- Rapport: By expressing vulnerability, givers using powerless communication can connect with others on a deeper level and build rapport [10, 11].
- Trust: Powerless communication helps build trust, as it signals that the speaker is not trying to manipulate or control others [11, 12].
- Persuasion: People are more receptive to influence when they do not feel like someone is trying to control them [13]. By talking tentatively, powerless communicators show a willingness to defer to others or at least take their opinions into consideration [12].
Examples of Powerless Communication in Action:
- Presenting: When presenting to a skeptical audience, a vulnerable approach can help the speaker connect with the audience and win them over [10]. Instead of emphasizing their expertise, they may open by sharing their own failures [10, 14].
- Selling: Salespeople who ask questions and listen to the answers show customers that they care about their interests. This builds prestige and makes them more successful at selling [6, 15, 16].
- Persuading: When trying to persuade, using a softer approach and presenting a sample of their idea can be more effective than a forceful approach [17]. By adding disclaimers and tag questions, they may be more effective in influencing others [12, 18].
- Negotiating: Instead of focusing on their own goals, those seeking to negotiate can ask for advice on how to meet their goals, which can encourage greater cooperation and information sharing [19].
Powerless Communication vs. Powerful Communication:
- Powerful Communication: Takers often use powerful communication to establish dominance, speaking forcefully, raising their voices to assert their authority, expressing certainty, and promoting their accomplishments [3]. This approach is effective for gaining dominance, but it may not be the most effective way to build lasting relationships and influence [1, 3].
- Limitations of Powerful Communication: Powerful communication can stifle information sharing, and it may cause others to resist being influenced [20, 21]. It can be effective in some situations but may not be conducive to team success [21].
When Powerless Communication is Most Effective:
- When you lack credibility or status: Powerless communication works especially well when the audience is already skeptical [7].
- In teams and service relationships: When people have to work closely together, powerless speech is more influential [18].
- When employees are proactive: When employees are proactive and generating new ideas, leaders who talk less assertively and more tentatively are more effective [21].
- Building rapport and trust: Powerless communication is useful in situations where it is important to build rapport and trust [11].
Potential Drawbacks of Powerless Communication:
- May be perceived as lacking leadership; if a person uses “we” and “us” instead of “I” or “me,” they may not be seen as a strong leader [22].
- May be less effective in one-shot situations, such as a job interview: In a one-shot job interview, powerful communication might be more effective, as the goal is to impress and establish dominance [20].
- Can be manipulated by takers: If the audience perceives the communication as insincere, they may view the speaker as weak and easy to exploit [4].
Strategic Use of Powerless Communication:
- Givers often adopt powerless communication naturally as they value the perspectives and interests of others [2, 11].
- Powerless communication must be balanced with competence: It is only effective if the audience also receives signals that establish the speaker’s competence [4].
- Assertiveness is necessary in some cases: Givers should also be assertive when advocating for their own and others’ interests [9, 23].
In conclusion, powerless communication is a valuable tool for givers seeking to build influence. By expressing vulnerability, asking questions, talking tentatively, and seeking advice, givers can build rapport, earn respect, and ultimately achieve their goals. However, it is important to use this style strategically and balance it with assertiveness when necessary.
Overcoming Giver Burnout
Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress [1]. The sources suggest that givers are particularly vulnerable to burnout because they tend to put others’ interests ahead of their own, often helping others at the expense of their own well-being [1, 2]. However, not all givers experience burnout, and understanding why some givers burn out while others thrive is key to managing and overcoming it [3-5].
Here’s a breakdown of how to overcome burnout, according to the sources:
1. Understanding the Causes of Burnout:
- Selfless Giving: Selfless givers have high other-interest and low self-interest, giving their time and energy without regard for their own needs, which can lead to burnout [6]. They may miss class or fail to study because they are attending to friends’ problems [6].
- Lack of Impact: Givers may experience burnout when they feel their efforts are not making a difference [7, 8]. When they are unable to help effectively, or when they do not receive feedback on their impact, their efforts can become more exhausting [7, 8].
- Overwork: Givers may overextend themselves by giving too much time and energy to others [4].
2. Shifting from Selfless to Otherish Giving:
- Balancing Self-Interest and Other-Interest: Otherish givers are willing to give more than they receive, but they also keep their own interests in sight [9]. They use their own interests as a guide for choosing when, where, how, and to whom they give [9]. Successful givers integrate self-interest and other-interest, so they can do well by doing good [9].
- Giving in Ways That Are Personally Rewarding: Instead of giving where they feel obligated, otherish givers find opportunities for giving that are also personally rewarding [10]. This can include seeking out areas of giving where they feel passionate and can see their impact [11, 12].
3. Strategies for Overcoming Burnout:
- Chunking Giving: Instead of spreading their giving thinly across many days, otherish givers concentrate their efforts into larger blocks, like volunteering for a few hours one day a week [13, 14]. This allows them to experience their impact more vividly, making their efforts feel more meaningful [14].
- Sprinkling Giving: Another form of giving involves distributing giving evenly across many days [13, 14].
- Seeking Help: Otherish givers are not afraid to ask for help when they need it [15]. They understand the importance of protecting their well-being and seek support from colleagues, which helps them maintain their motivation and energy [15].
- Expanding Giving to New Domains: When givers feel burned out in one area, they can expand their contributions to different areas [16]. This helps to recharge their energy, as a new setting and a new group of people can make giving feel fresh and less like a chore [16].
- Connecting with the Impact of Giving: Organizations can connect employees to the impact of their products and services to help them avoid burnout [17]. Seeing how their work benefits others can help givers feel like they are making a difference, which is a key motivator [17].
- Setting Boundaries: Givers must also set boundaries to protect their own time and energy [18, 19]. This can include strategies like setting aside “quiet time” to complete their own work without interruptions [18, 20].
- Practice Powerless Communication: Powerless communication can open doors to influence, but must be balanced with assertiveness [21, 22].
- Tend and Befriend: When stressed, people are inclined to come together in groups to provide and receive support [23]. Givers can build a support network through helping others [24].
- Give More: Counterintuitively, giving more can help givers avoid burnout if it allows them to have a greater impact and feel more energized [16, 25].
4. The Myth of Giver Burnout:
- Givers may actually be more resilient to burnout than matchers and takers [26].
- Giving can build willpower: Givers strengthen their psychological muscles through consistently overriding their selfish impulses in order to help others, making it less exhausting to use willpower [27].
- Giving can add meaning to our lives: It helps us feel valued by others [28]. Otherish givers access reserves of happiness and meaning through giving, which takers and matchers cannot [29].
5. Organizational Strategies to Support Givers:
- Reciprocity Ring: Encourage people to ask for help and provide assistance to others .
- Job Crafting: Allow employees to work on tasks that are more interesting, meaningful or developmental to them [30].
- Peer Recognition Programs: Reward people for giving in ways that leaders and managers rarely see [31].
By implementing these strategies, givers can avoid burnout, maintain their energy, and continue to contribute meaningfully to their communities and organizations [5, 32].
By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog
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