Amjad Izhar Blog

Category: Intimacy

  • The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    This source explores the complexities of human relationships and the pursuit of intimacy, asserting that love is a conscious choice rather than a mere feeling. It emphasizes the significance of shared purpose, effective communication, mutual respect, and the courage to be vulnerable for building strong connections. The text argues against settling for superficial interactions and encourages readers to actively work towards deeper understanding and support within their relationships, ultimately aiming to help individuals become the best versions of themselves. It also addresses common fears and illusions that hinder intimacy and offers practical advice on cultivating more fulfilling and meaningful bonds with others.

    Love as a Choice: Action, Growth, and Purpose

    Choosing love is a central theme in the sources, emphasizing that love is not merely a feeling but a conscious decision and an active choice. The speaker in the source highlights that “Love is a choice. Love is an act of the will,” and asserts that “You can choose to love”. This idea is further reinforced by the statement that “Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us”.

    The sources argue that basing relationships solely on feelings is precarious because feelings are inconsistent. Instead, our actions should be driven by our hopes, values, and essential purpose. When the feeling of love is absent, the source advises to “love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her,” explaining that love as a feeling is a result of love as an action, urging to serve, sacrifice, listen, empathize, appreciate, and affirm the other person.

    Choosing love is presented as the only truly sensible choice in any situation. This choice may sometimes mean staying together and working through difficulties, while at other times it may involve breaking up, setting boundaries, or telling someone an uncomfortable truth – all in the best interest of the individuals involved.

    The consequences of choosing not to love are significant. The source states that “When you choose not to love, you commit a grave crime against yourself”. Withholding love, even to spite another person, ultimately harms the one withholding it, hindering their potential for growth. Conversely, when we choose love, our spirit expands.

    Furthermore, the source emphasizes that we become what we love. Loving selfless, kind, and generous people encourages us to develop those same qualities. Our passions and fascinations shape our thoughts, actions, habits, character, and ultimately our destiny. Therefore, consciously choosing who and what we love is crucial for personal growth and the trajectory of our lives. The source suggests that love should inspire and challenge us to become the best version of ourselves.

    The ability to choose love is linked to freedom, which in turn requires discipline. Freedom is defined not as the ability to do whatever one wants, but as the strength of character to do what is good, true, noble, and right, enabling us to choose and celebrate the best version of ourselves. Discipline is seen as evidence of freedom and a prerequisite for genuine love, allowing us to give ourselves freely and completely to another.

    Choosing love also extends to selecting our friends and partners. The source advises choosing people who will help us become the best version of ourselves. When making decisions about relationships, placing our essential purpose at the center of our lives should guide our choices.

    Ultimately, the source posits that life is about love, including how we love and hurt ourselves and others. The highest expression of self-love is celebrating our best self, and the greatest expression of love for others is assisting them in their quest to become the best version of themselves. Therefore, actively and consciously choosing to love – in our actions, decisions, and relationships – is presented as the path to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

    The Purpose-Driven Relationship: Becoming Our Best Selves Together

    Discussing common purpose, the sources emphasize its fundamental role in creating and sustaining dynamic relationships. A common purpose keeps people together, while a lack of it, or losing sight of it, or it becoming unimportant, is why relationships break up.

    The source argues that superficial connections like common interests are insufficient for long-term relationships; a common purpose is essential. To understand the purpose of our relationships, we must first understand our individual purpose.

    According to the sources, our essential purpose as individuals is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This essential purpose then provides the common purpose for every relationship: to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This applies to all types of relationships, whether between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and neighbor, or business executive and customer. The first purpose, obligation, and responsibility of any relationship is to help each other achieve this essential purpose.

    Building relationships on the foundation of a common goal to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, driven by growth in virtue, is likely to lead to joyfulness and contentedness. Conversely, basing relationships on unsteady whims and self-centered desires will likely result in an irritable and discontented spirit.

    The source highlights that a sense of common purpose keeps relationships together, and when this sense is lost, relationships fall apart. Some relationships are based on temporary common purposes like pleasure or common interests, and they often end when these temporary purposes cease or change. Even couples who shared the common purpose of raising children may find their relationship dissolves once the children are grown, as their primary common purpose has evaporated.

    The truth is that all relationships are based on a common purpose, whether articulated or not. However, the most noble and long-lasting goal, and thus the ultimate purpose of a relationship, is to help each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. This essential purpose is different from temporary purposes because it never changes or fades; the striving to celebrate our best selves is a continuous process that brings us to life. Basing a primary relationship on this unchanging essential purpose increases the likelihood of it lasting and thriving.

    Placing the essential purpose at the center of relationships can create a dynamic environment where individuals inspire, encourage, comfort, and celebrate each other’s growth. Relationships should be governed by the simple vision of the quest to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. The journey in relationships is from “yours and mine” to “ours,” a synthesis for one common purpose, with the noblest and longest-lasting goal being helping each other become the best version of themselves.

    At the breakdown points of relationships, a lack of a consciously aware common purpose, beyond mutual pleasure or common interests, often leads to a feeling that “nothing makes sense anymore”. The real crisis in relationships is not a crisis of commitment, but a crisis of purpose. Purpose inspires commitment.

    In disagreements, a commonly agreed-upon purpose, such as the essential purpose, provides a crucial reference point, allowing disputes to be discussed in relation to that shared goal. This can help avoid arguments escalating into ego battles. Without a common purpose, relationships can become vehicles for selfish goals, leading to conflict and a lack of genuine intimacy.

    Therefore, in primary relationships, arriving at an agreement that the purpose is to help each other become the-best-versions-of-yourselves provides a “touchstone of sanity” and a guiding “North Star”. Defining this common purpose is the first step in designing a great relationship.

    Ultimately, a significant relationship should be a dynamic collaboration focused on striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves and helping others do the same.

    The Power of Self-Awareness in Relationships and Growth

    Discussing self-awareness, the sources highlight its crucial role in personal growth, intimacy, and the overall quality of relationships. Self-awareness is presented as the foundation for understanding oneself, navigating relationships effectively, and pursuing one’s essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself.

    The sources emphasize that relationships serve as vital mirrors for self-discovery. Being isolated can lead to self-deception, but interactions with others provide honest reflections necessary to see and know ourselves, moving us from illusion to reality. Observing how others react to us – their body language, comfort levels – offers valuable insights into our own behavior and its impact. Furthermore, noticing what annoys or attracts us in others can reveal aspects we recognize or desire in ourselves. People essentially “introduce us to ourselves”.

    Intimacy is directly linked to self-awareness and the willingness to reveal oneself. One can only experience intimacy to the extent they are prepared to share who they truly are. However, discomfort with oneself can limit the experience of intimacy. Becoming comfortable with oneself is the first step toward true intimacy. This involves acknowledging the “essential truth of the human condition” – that we are all imperfect, with faults and flaws, which are a part of our shared humanity.

    Solitude and silence are essential for developing self-awareness. In moments undisturbed by the external world, we can understand our needs, desires, talents, and abilities. Regularly stepping into “the great classrooms of silence and solitude” helps us reconnect with ourselves.

    Self-awareness involves understanding our feelings and recognizing them as reactions conditioned by past experiences and beliefs. By understanding the “why” behind our feelings and the feelings of others, we can navigate relationships with greater empathy.

    A key aspect of self-awareness is the ability to recognize and own our faults, fears, and failures. Unwillingness to admit these aspects can hinder personal development, turning us into victims of our past. Acknowledging our shortcomings empowers us to make dynamic choices for a better future. The sources suggest that everyone has a “dark side,” and acknowledging this reality, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, is crucial for genuine connection.

    Self-awareness is also crucial in discussions and disagreements. Learning to be at peace with opposing opinions is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. The goal of authentic discussion should be to explore the subject, not to be right, requiring individuals to remove their ego and understand different perspectives. Acceptance, rather than mere understanding, is presented as key to thriving in deeper levels of intimacy, and this acceptance begins with oneself.

    Furthermore, self-awareness is intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Our internal compass, guided by this purpose, helps us assess the relevance of information and make choices that align with our growth.

    Self-observation is a crucial skill in developing self-awareness, allowing us to understand how people and situations affect us. This awareness helps us to be more mindful of our actions and their impact on others.

    In essence, the sources portray self-awareness as a continuous, lifelong journey that is vital for personal fulfillment and the creation of meaningful relationships built on honesty, acceptance, and a shared purpose of growth.

    Overcoming Fear: The Path to Intimacy

    Overcoming fear is a central theme in the sources, particularly in the context of building intimacy and authentic relationships. The deepest of all human fears is the fear that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t love us. This fear lurks in everyone and often leads to pretense, where individuals hide their brokenness and imperfections, pretending that everything is under control.

    However, the sources argue that overcoming this fear of rejection is essential for experiencing true love and intimacy. While we may be afraid to reveal ourselves, thinking our faults will be judged, it is only by doing so that we open the possibility of truly being loved. In most cases, revealing our true selves, “warts and all,” actually leads people to love us more because they recognize their own humanity and fears in us. There is something “glorious about our humanity,” both strong and weak, and celebrating it involves revealing our struggles, which in turn encourages others to do the same.

    The truth is that when we reveal our weaknesses, people often feel more at peace with us and are more likely to offer support than rejection. Intimacy itself requires a willingness to reveal our “dark side,” not to shock, but so that others might help us battle our inner demons. This willingness to share our weaknesses is a “tremendous sign of faith” that encourages others to lower their guard. As long as we are sincerely striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, we may find that we are more loved because of our weaknesses, in our “raw and imperfect humanity,” rather than when pretending to have it all together.

    The sources connect the unwillingness to overcome the fear of rejection with a sense of loneliness. Loneliness can manifest in many ways, even when surrounded by people, and can stem from betraying oneself and missing one’s “lost self”.

    In the realm of emotional intimacy, achieving it requires humility and vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable due to the fear of revealing our opinions, feelings, fears, and dreams. However, the fear of revealing ourselves should not become our natural state; life itself is a self-revelation.

    The journey through the seven levels of intimacy highlights how overcoming fear is crucial at deeper levels:

    • At the third level (opinions), the fear of differing opinions can be a major obstacle. Learning to be at peace with opposing views is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. Acceptance, rather than trying to convince others, is key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • At the fourth level (hopes and dreams), we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by because dreams are a point of significant vulnerability. Judgmental and critical environments foster fear and hinder true intimacy.
    • At the fifth level (feelings), we directly confront the fear of rejection. Revealing our feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes us extremely vulnerable. Overcoming this fear by letting our guard down and taking our mask off is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance, developed in the third level, provides the courage to share our feelings without fear of judgment.
    • At the sixth level (faults, fears, and failures), we finally develop enough comfort to share our faults and fears. Fear here is more than just a feeling; it significantly influences our decisions. Admitting our fears requires realizing that our partner’s role is to walk with us, not fix them. Taking ownership of our faults, fears, and failures is crucial to avoid becoming their victims and to become “dynamic choice makers”. Bringing our “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power over us.

    The sources suggest several ways to overcome fear:

    • Develop self-esteem: Maturity comes when we cherish ourselves and would rather be rejected for who we truly are than loved for pretending to be someone we are not. Being comfortable with ourselves, acknowledging our imperfections as part of our shared humanity, and understanding that no one is inherently better than another are essential steps.
    • Practice self-awareness: Observing our own reactions and how others respond to us can provide insights and help us understand our fears.
    • Embrace vulnerability: Willingness to reveal oneself, even weaknesses, is crucial for intimacy and encourages others to do the same.
    • Cultivate acceptance: Both accepting ourselves and accepting others, despite differences, creates a safe environment where fear diminishes and self-revelation can occur.
    • Build trust: A belief that our significant other has our best interests at heart is essential for laying bare our faults and fears.
    • Recognize the alternative: The fear of loneliness and the desire for genuine connection can motivate us to overcome the fear of rejection.
    • Make a conscious choice: Overcoming fear and choosing to be oneself is a deliberate act.
    • Understand the transformative power of intimacy: Intimacy has the power to liberate us from our fears.

    In essence, the sources present overcoming fear as a fundamental aspect of personal growth and the development of deep, meaningful relationships. It requires a shift from hiding behind pretense to embracing vulnerability, fostered by self-awareness, self-acceptance, and the acceptance of others within a trusting and loving environment.

    The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    Developing intimacy is presented in the sources as a gradual process of mutual self-revelation that involves moving through seven distinct levels, ultimately leading to a dynamic collaboration focused on fulfilling legitimate needs. Intimacy is not merely physical; it is multidimensional, encompassing the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of a person. It is also highlighted as a fundamental human need essential for happiness and thriving, not just surviving.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy begins with a willingness to reveal oneself. Relationships themselves are a process of self-revelation, but often people spend time hiding their true selves. True intimacy requires taking off masks, letting down guards, and sharing what shapes and directs one’s life, including strengths, weaknesses, faults, talents, dreams, and fears. This act of sharing one’s story is crucial for feeling uniquely known. You will experience intimacy only to the extent that you are prepared to reveal yourself.

    The journey of developing intimacy can be understood through the seven levels of intimacy outlined in the sources:

    • The first level is clichés, involving superficial exchanges that reveal little about each person. While useful for initial connections, staying at this level prevents true intimacy. Carefree timelessness, spending time together without an agenda, is key to moving beyond this level.
    • The second level is facts, where impersonal information is shared. Like clichés, this level is important for initial acquaintance but becomes stale if a relationship remains here. Moving to higher-level impersonal facts and then to personal facts acts as a bridge to deeper intimacy. However, remaining at this level can lead to a prison of loneliness.
    • The third level is opinions, which is identified as the first major obstacle in the quest for intimacy because opinions can differ and lead to controversy. This level requires developing the maturity to be with people whose opinions differ from one’s own. Acceptance, rather than just understanding, is the key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • The fourth level is hopes and dreams, where individuals reveal what brings passion and energy to their lives. Revealing dreams requires feeling accepted. Knowing each other’s dreams and helping to fulfill them brings dynamism to a relationship. This level also involves deciding which dreams have priority in relation to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves.
    • The fifth level is feelings, where vulnerability becomes paramount. Sharing feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes one extremely vulnerable, confronting the fear of rejection. Overcoming the fear by letting one’s guard down is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance developed in the third level provides the courage to share feelings without fear of judgment. Feelings are reactions conditioned by past experiences, and understanding these reactions in oneself and others is crucial.
    • The sixth level is faults, fears, and failures, where individuals let down their guard to share their vulnerabilities honestly. Admitting the need for help, revealing fears, and owning up to past failures are signs of great maturity. This level is about being set free from victimhood and becoming a dynamic choice maker. Bringing one’s “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power.
    • The seventh level is legitimate needs, where the quest to know and be known turns into a truly dynamic collaboration. This level involves not only knowing each other’s legitimate needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) but also actively helping each other fulfill them. It represents the pinnacle of intimacy, where the focus shifts from “What’s in it for me?” to mutual fulfillment and the creation of a lifestyle that allows both individuals to thrive and become the-best-versions-of-themselves.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy is not a task to be completed but a continuous journey, with individuals moving in and out of different levels daily. Not all relationships are meant to experience all seven levels to the same degree. Furthermore, intimacy cannot be rushed; it requires time and the gentle pressure of effort from both partners.

    Developing intimacy is also intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Intimacy is described as sharing the journey to become the-best-version-of-ourselves with another person. Soulful relationships revolve around helping each other achieve this purpose.

    In conclusion, developing intimacy is a multifaceted and ongoing process characterized by increasing self-revelation, vulnerability, acceptance, and a shared commitment to mutual growth and the fulfillment of legitimate needs, as outlined by the seven levels of intimacy. It requires moving beyond superficial interactions and embracing the challenges and rewards of knowing and being truly known by another person.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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  • The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    This source explores the complexities of human relationships and the pursuit of intimacy, asserting that love is a conscious choice rather than a mere feeling. It emphasizes the significance of shared purpose, effective communication, mutual respect, and the courage to be vulnerable for building strong connections. The text argues against settling for superficial interactions and encourages readers to actively work towards deeper understanding and support within their relationships, ultimately aiming to help individuals become the best versions of themselves. It also addresses common fears and illusions that hinder intimacy and offers practical advice on cultivating more fulfilling and meaningful bonds with others.

    Love as a Choice: Action, Growth, and Purpose

    Choosing love is a central theme in the sources, emphasizing that love is not merely a feeling but a conscious decision and an active choice. The speaker in the source highlights that “Love is a choice. Love is an act of the will,” and asserts that “You can choose to love”. This idea is further reinforced by the statement that “Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us”.

    The sources argue that basing relationships solely on feelings is precarious because feelings are inconsistent. Instead, our actions should be driven by our hopes, values, and essential purpose. When the feeling of love is absent, the source advises to “love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her,” explaining that love as a feeling is a result of love as an action, urging to serve, sacrifice, listen, empathize, appreciate, and affirm the other person.

    Choosing love is presented as the only truly sensible choice in any situation. This choice may sometimes mean staying together and working through difficulties, while at other times it may involve breaking up, setting boundaries, or telling someone an uncomfortable truth – all in the best interest of the individuals involved.

    The consequences of choosing not to love are significant. The source states that “When you choose not to love, you commit a grave crime against yourself”. Withholding love, even to spite another person, ultimately harms the one withholding it, hindering their potential for growth. Conversely, when we choose love, our spirit expands.

    Furthermore, the source emphasizes that we become what we love. Loving selfless, kind, and generous people encourages us to develop those same qualities. Our passions and fascinations shape our thoughts, actions, habits, character, and ultimately our destiny. Therefore, consciously choosing who and what we love is crucial for personal growth and the trajectory of our lives. The source suggests that love should inspire and challenge us to become the best version of ourselves.

    The ability to choose love is linked to freedom, which in turn requires discipline. Freedom is defined not as the ability to do whatever one wants, but as the strength of character to do what is good, true, noble, and right, enabling us to choose and celebrate the best version of ourselves. Discipline is seen as evidence of freedom and a prerequisite for genuine love, allowing us to give ourselves freely and completely to another.

    Choosing love also extends to selecting our friends and partners. The source advises choosing people who will help us become the best version of ourselves. When making decisions about relationships, placing our essential purpose at the center of our lives should guide our choices.

    Ultimately, the source posits that life is about love, including how we love and hurt ourselves and others. The highest expression of self-love is celebrating our best self, and the greatest expression of love for others is assisting them in their quest to become the best version of themselves. Therefore, actively and consciously choosing to love – in our actions, decisions, and relationships – is presented as the path to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

    The Purpose-Driven Relationship: Becoming Our Best Selves Together

    Discussing common purpose, the sources emphasize its fundamental role in creating and sustaining dynamic relationships. A common purpose keeps people together, while a lack of it, or losing sight of it, or it becoming unimportant, is why relationships break up.

    The source argues that superficial connections like common interests are insufficient for long-term relationships; a common purpose is essential. To understand the purpose of our relationships, we must first understand our individual purpose.

    According to the sources, our essential purpose as individuals is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This essential purpose then provides the common purpose for every relationship: to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This applies to all types of relationships, whether between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and neighbor, or business executive and customer. The first purpose, obligation, and responsibility of any relationship is to help each other achieve this essential purpose.

    Building relationships on the foundation of a common goal to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, driven by growth in virtue, is likely to lead to joyfulness and contentedness. Conversely, basing relationships on unsteady whims and self-centered desires will likely result in an irritable and discontented spirit.

    The source highlights that a sense of common purpose keeps relationships together, and when this sense is lost, relationships fall apart. Some relationships are based on temporary common purposes like pleasure or common interests, and they often end when these temporary purposes cease or change. Even couples who shared the common purpose of raising children may find their relationship dissolves once the children are grown, as their primary common purpose has evaporated.

    The truth is that all relationships are based on a common purpose, whether articulated or not. However, the most noble and long-lasting goal, and thus the ultimate purpose of a relationship, is to help each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. This essential purpose is different from temporary purposes because it never changes or fades; the striving to celebrate our best selves is a continuous process that brings us to life. Basing a primary relationship on this unchanging essential purpose increases the likelihood of it lasting and thriving.

    Placing the essential purpose at the center of relationships can create a dynamic environment where individuals inspire, encourage, comfort, and celebrate each other’s growth. Relationships should be governed by the simple vision of the quest to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. The journey in relationships is from “yours and mine” to “ours,” a synthesis for one common purpose, with the noblest and longest-lasting goal being helping each other become the best version of themselves.

    At the breakdown points of relationships, a lack of a consciously aware common purpose, beyond mutual pleasure or common interests, often leads to a feeling that “nothing makes sense anymore”. The real crisis in relationships is not a crisis of commitment, but a crisis of purpose. Purpose inspires commitment.

    In disagreements, a commonly agreed-upon purpose, such as the essential purpose, provides a crucial reference point, allowing disputes to be discussed in relation to that shared goal. This can help avoid arguments escalating into ego battles. Without a common purpose, relationships can become vehicles for selfish goals, leading to conflict and a lack of genuine intimacy.

    Therefore, in primary relationships, arriving at an agreement that the purpose is to help each other become the-best-versions-of-yourselves provides a “touchstone of sanity” and a guiding “North Star”. Defining this common purpose is the first step in designing a great relationship.

    Ultimately, a significant relationship should be a dynamic collaboration focused on striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves and helping others do the same.

    The Power of Self-Awareness in Relationships and Growth

    Discussing self-awareness, the sources highlight its crucial role in personal growth, intimacy, and the overall quality of relationships. Self-awareness is presented as the foundation for understanding oneself, navigating relationships effectively, and pursuing one’s essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself.

    The sources emphasize that relationships serve as vital mirrors for self-discovery. Being isolated can lead to self-deception, but interactions with others provide honest reflections necessary to see and know ourselves, moving us from illusion to reality. Observing how others react to us – their body language, comfort levels – offers valuable insights into our own behavior and its impact. Furthermore, noticing what annoys or attracts us in others can reveal aspects we recognize or desire in ourselves. People essentially “introduce us to ourselves”.

    Intimacy is directly linked to self-awareness and the willingness to reveal oneself. One can only experience intimacy to the extent they are prepared to share who they truly are. However, discomfort with oneself can limit the experience of intimacy. Becoming comfortable with oneself is the first step toward true intimacy. This involves acknowledging the “essential truth of the human condition” – that we are all imperfect, with faults and flaws, which are a part of our shared humanity.

    Solitude and silence are essential for developing self-awareness. In moments undisturbed by the external world, we can understand our needs, desires, talents, and abilities. Regularly stepping into “the great classrooms of silence and solitude” helps us reconnect with ourselves.

    Self-awareness involves understanding our feelings and recognizing them as reactions conditioned by past experiences and beliefs. By understanding the “why” behind our feelings and the feelings of others, we can navigate relationships with greater empathy.

    A key aspect of self-awareness is the ability to recognize and own our faults, fears, and failures. Unwillingness to admit these aspects can hinder personal development, turning us into victims of our past. Acknowledging our shortcomings empowers us to make dynamic choices for a better future. The sources suggest that everyone has a “dark side,” and acknowledging this reality, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, is crucial for genuine connection.

    Self-awareness is also crucial in discussions and disagreements. Learning to be at peace with opposing opinions is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. The goal of authentic discussion should be to explore the subject, not to be right, requiring individuals to remove their ego and understand different perspectives. Acceptance, rather than mere understanding, is presented as key to thriving in deeper levels of intimacy, and this acceptance begins with oneself.

    Furthermore, self-awareness is intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Our internal compass, guided by this purpose, helps us assess the relevance of information and make choices that align with our growth.

    Self-observation is a crucial skill in developing self-awareness, allowing us to understand how people and situations affect us. This awareness helps us to be more mindful of our actions and their impact on others.

    In essence, the sources portray self-awareness as a continuous, lifelong journey that is vital for personal fulfillment and the creation of meaningful relationships built on honesty, acceptance, and a shared purpose of growth.

    Overcoming Fear: The Path to Intimacy

    Overcoming fear is a central theme in the sources, particularly in the context of building intimacy and authentic relationships. The deepest of all human fears is the fear that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t love us. This fear lurks in everyone and often leads to pretense, where individuals hide their brokenness and imperfections, pretending that everything is under control.

    However, the sources argue that overcoming this fear of rejection is essential for experiencing true love and intimacy. While we may be afraid to reveal ourselves, thinking our faults will be judged, it is only by doing so that we open the possibility of truly being loved. In most cases, revealing our true selves, “warts and all,” actually leads people to love us more because they recognize their own humanity and fears in us. There is something “glorious about our humanity,” both strong and weak, and celebrating it involves revealing our struggles, which in turn encourages others to do the same.

    The truth is that when we reveal our weaknesses, people often feel more at peace with us and are more likely to offer support than rejection. Intimacy itself requires a willingness to reveal our “dark side,” not to shock, but so that others might help us battle our inner demons. This willingness to share our weaknesses is a “tremendous sign of faith” that encourages others to lower their guard. As long as we are sincerely striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, we may find that we are more loved because of our weaknesses, in our “raw and imperfect humanity,” rather than when pretending to have it all together.

    The sources connect the unwillingness to overcome the fear of rejection with a sense of loneliness. Loneliness can manifest in many ways, even when surrounded by people, and can stem from betraying oneself and missing one’s “lost self”.

    In the realm of emotional intimacy, achieving it requires humility and vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable due to the fear of revealing our opinions, feelings, fears, and dreams. However, the fear of revealing ourselves should not become our natural state; life itself is a self-revelation.

    The journey through the seven levels of intimacy highlights how overcoming fear is crucial at deeper levels:

    • At the third level (opinions), the fear of differing opinions can be a major obstacle. Learning to be at peace with opposing views is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. Acceptance, rather than trying to convince others, is key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • At the fourth level (hopes and dreams), we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by because dreams are a point of significant vulnerability. Judgmental and critical environments foster fear and hinder true intimacy.
    • At the fifth level (feelings), we directly confront the fear of rejection. Revealing our feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes us extremely vulnerable. Overcoming this fear by letting our guard down and taking our mask off is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance, developed in the third level, provides the courage to share our feelings without fear of judgment.
    • At the sixth level (faults, fears, and failures), we finally develop enough comfort to share our faults and fears. Fear here is more than just a feeling; it significantly influences our decisions. Admitting our fears requires realizing that our partner’s role is to walk with us, not fix them. Taking ownership of our faults, fears, and failures is crucial to avoid becoming their victims and to become “dynamic choice makers”. Bringing our “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power over us.

    The sources suggest several ways to overcome fear:

    • Develop self-esteem: Maturity comes when we cherish ourselves and would rather be rejected for who we truly are than loved for pretending to be someone we are not. Being comfortable with ourselves, acknowledging our imperfections as part of our shared humanity, and understanding that no one is inherently better than another are essential steps.
    • Practice self-awareness: Observing our own reactions and how others respond to us can provide insights and help us understand our fears.
    • Embrace vulnerability: Willingness to reveal oneself, even weaknesses, is crucial for intimacy and encourages others to do the same.
    • Cultivate acceptance: Both accepting ourselves and accepting others, despite differences, creates a safe environment where fear diminishes and self-revelation can occur.
    • Build trust: A belief that our significant other has our best interests at heart is essential for laying bare our faults and fears.
    • Recognize the alternative: The fear of loneliness and the desire for genuine connection can motivate us to overcome the fear of rejection.
    • Make a conscious choice: Overcoming fear and choosing to be oneself is a deliberate act.
    • Understand the transformative power of intimacy: Intimacy has the power to liberate us from our fears.

    In essence, the sources present overcoming fear as a fundamental aspect of personal growth and the development of deep, meaningful relationships. It requires a shift from hiding behind pretense to embracing vulnerability, fostered by self-awareness, self-acceptance, and the acceptance of others within a trusting and loving environment.

    The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    Developing intimacy is presented in the sources as a gradual process of mutual self-revelation that involves moving through seven distinct levels, ultimately leading to a dynamic collaboration focused on fulfilling legitimate needs. Intimacy is not merely physical; it is multidimensional, encompassing the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of a person. It is also highlighted as a fundamental human need essential for happiness and thriving, not just surviving.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy begins with a willingness to reveal oneself. Relationships themselves are a process of self-revelation, but often people spend time hiding their true selves. True intimacy requires taking off masks, letting down guards, and sharing what shapes and directs one’s life, including strengths, weaknesses, faults, talents, dreams, and fears. This act of sharing one’s story is crucial for feeling uniquely known. You will experience intimacy only to the extent that you are prepared to reveal yourself.

    The journey of developing intimacy can be understood through the seven levels of intimacy outlined in the sources:

    • The first level is clichés, involving superficial exchanges that reveal little about each person. While useful for initial connections, staying at this level prevents true intimacy. Carefree timelessness, spending time together without an agenda, is key to moving beyond this level.
    • The second level is facts, where impersonal information is shared. Like clichés, this level is important for initial acquaintance but becomes stale if a relationship remains here. Moving to higher-level impersonal facts and then to personal facts acts as a bridge to deeper intimacy. However, remaining at this level can lead to a prison of loneliness.
    • The third level is opinions, which is identified as the first major obstacle in the quest for intimacy because opinions can differ and lead to controversy. This level requires developing the maturity to be with people whose opinions differ from one’s own. Acceptance, rather than just understanding, is the key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • The fourth level is hopes and dreams, where individuals reveal what brings passion and energy to their lives. Revealing dreams requires feeling accepted. Knowing each other’s dreams and helping to fulfill them brings dynamism to a relationship. This level also involves deciding which dreams have priority in relation to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves.
    • The fifth level is feelings, where vulnerability becomes paramount. Sharing feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes one extremely vulnerable, confronting the fear of rejection. Overcoming the fear by letting one’s guard down is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance developed in the third level provides the courage to share feelings without fear of judgment. Feelings are reactions conditioned by past experiences, and understanding these reactions in oneself and others is crucial.
    • The sixth level is faults, fears, and failures, where individuals let down their guard to share their vulnerabilities honestly. Admitting the need for help, revealing fears, and owning up to past failures are signs of great maturity. This level is about being set free from victimhood and becoming a dynamic choice maker. Bringing one’s “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power.
    • The seventh level is legitimate needs, where the quest to know and be known turns into a truly dynamic collaboration. This level involves not only knowing each other’s legitimate needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) but also actively helping each other fulfill them. It represents the pinnacle of intimacy, where the focus shifts from “What’s in it for me?” to mutual fulfillment and the creation of a lifestyle that allows both individuals to thrive and become the-best-versions-of-themselves.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy is not a task to be completed but a continuous journey, with individuals moving in and out of different levels daily. Not all relationships are meant to experience all seven levels to the same degree. Furthermore, intimacy cannot be rushed; it requires time and the gentle pressure of effort from both partners.

    Developing intimacy is also intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Intimacy is described as sharing the journey to become the-best-version-of-ourselves with another person. Soulful relationships revolve around helping each other achieve this purpose.

    In conclusion, developing intimacy is a multifaceted and ongoing process characterized by increasing self-revelation, vulnerability, acceptance, and a shared commitment to mutual growth and the fulfillment of legitimate needs, as outlined by the seven levels of intimacy. It requires moving beyond superficial interactions and embracing the challenges and rewards of knowing and being truly known by another person.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

    Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!

  • How to nurture a long-distance friendship

    How to nurture a long-distance friendship

    In a world where people move cities, countries, and even continents for work, study, or love, long-distance friendships have become increasingly common—and increasingly necessary to preserve. But maintaining these relationships across miles and time zones isn’t always easy. The effort to keep connections alive requires intention, creativity, and emotional investment that many overlook.

    Friendship, at its core, is about shared experiences, trust, and presence. When distance enters the picture, those shared daily moments vanish, making it easier for friendships to drift if we’re not careful. Fortunately, technology and emotional intelligence can bridge the gap, allowing people to maintain meaningful bonds despite the physical divide. What matters most is the quality of connection, not the quantity of contact.

    Psychologist and researcher Dr. William Rawlins, who has studied friendship for decades, says, “Friendship is a sheltering tree.” Like trees, friendships need nurturing through time and care. In this guide, we’ll explore twenty ways to cultivate and sustain long-distance friendships with depth, authenticity, and love—so your relationships can stand the test of time, no matter how far apart you are.

    Not all soulmates live in the same city, and friendship isn’t bound by geography. In a world more interconnected than ever before, long-distance friendships have become both more common and more complex. Whether your best friend moved away for a job, school, or love, maintaining that emotional bond across miles can feel like navigating a delicate balance of intention, effort, and time.

    The strength of a long-distance friendship lies in the willingness to adapt and the courage to stay vulnerable. Technology offers plenty of shortcuts, but true connection demands presence—even when you’re not physically together. According to sociologist Sherry Turkle in Reclaiming Conversation, digital communication can enhance relationships, but it takes mindful use to preserve authenticity and depth.

    While long-distance friendships may require more conscious nurturing, they often reveal a higher level of emotional maturity. They invite us to be deliberate with our communication and generous with our empathy. As Aristotle once said, “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.” The following strategies can help cultivate that fruit, no matter how far apart you are.

    1- Make Regular Communication a Priority
    Consistency is the lifeblood of any long-distance friendship. When life gets busy, it’s easy to put off that catch-up call or leave a message on read. But setting regular communication habits—be it weekly video calls, bi-weekly voice notes, or monthly letters—demonstrates reliability and interest in the relationship. Psychologist Sherry Turkle in Reclaiming Conversation notes that authentic communication strengthens empathy, and without it, relationships risk becoming superficial.

    By embedding communication into your schedule, you turn contact into ritual rather than obligation. It becomes something both parties can rely on and look forward to. Whether you choose early morning check-ins or midnight chats, having those touchpoints helps reinforce the sense that your friend is still a vital part of your life—even if they live thousands of miles away.

    2- Be Present, Even from Afar
    Presence isn’t about geography—it’s about emotional availability. Long-distance friends may not be physically near, but they can still offer support, empathy, and laughter when it’s most needed. Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights that emotional bids—those small moments of reaching out—are crucial in relationships. Responding with warmth and attention makes the other person feel seen and valued.

    Small gestures like remembering an important date or acknowledging a rough day go a long way. These acts show your friend that their emotional reality matters to you, no matter the distance. As author Brené Brown suggests in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” Be that source of energy.

    3- Celebrate Important Milestones Together
    Birthdays, promotions, anniversaries—these moments matter, and recognizing them can deepen your connection. Even if you can’t be there in person, a thoughtful message, gift, or virtual celebration can show your friend that you’re still celebrating life’s highs with them. Consider using shared calendars to keep track of key dates, ensuring you never miss a beat.

    Going the extra mile—like organizing a surprise Zoom party or sending a care package—adds a personal touch that transcends digital limits. Social psychologist Dr. Susan Pinker, in The Village Effect, emphasizes how meaningful relationships foster happiness and longevity. Marking milestones together strengthens that sense of meaning and mutual joy.

    4- Use Technology Creatively
    Technology isn’t just for texting or calling; it offers a playground of ways to connect meaningfully. Apps like Marco Polo, shared playlists on Spotify, or games like Words With Friends can make interactions more dynamic. These shared experiences simulate the kind of bonding you’d enjoy in person.

    Creative use of technology turns routine into ritual. Watching movies together with apps like Teleparty or exploring new podcasts simultaneously can spark fresh conversations and emotional closeness. As author Howard Rheingold noted in The Virtual Community, “The power of a networked relationship lies in its ability to transcend conventional barriers of time and space.”

    5- Share the Little Things
    Day-to-day details—the lunch you enjoyed, the book you’re reading, the weather in your city—may seem trivial, but they build intimacy. Sharing these snippets helps recreate the feeling of living life side by side. Dr. Deborah Tannen’s work on conversational style emphasizes that these small exchanges form the backbone of closeness in relationships.

    Think of it like a friendship scrapbook made of texts, pictures, and spontaneous thoughts. It’s not about profound conversations all the time; it’s about showing up in the mundane moments, making your presence felt. As sociologist Ray Oldenburg put it, “Informal conversations are the heartbeat of friendship.”

    6- Be Honest About Life Changes
    Distance often means missing the visual cues of change—body language, mood shifts, or signs of emotional distress. That’s why it’s crucial to be honest about personal developments, whether it’s a new job, relationship, or emotional struggle. Transparency nurtures trust and invites vulnerability.

    Let your friend into your world, even if it feels messy or complicated. As Esther Perel writes in The State of Affairs, “Intimacy is not something you have; it’s something you do.” By sharing your evolving life story, you give your friend a seat at your metaphorical table.

    7- Schedule In-Person Visits When Possible
    Nothing can fully replace face-to-face interaction. If circumstances allow, scheduling occasional visits helps reinforce the emotional bond and renews memories. Shared experiences—however rare—become emotional anchors that sustain the relationship over time.

    Plan these trips with intention, filling them with activities you both enjoy. Whether it’s a weekend getaway or just catching up over coffee, these visits remind both of you why your friendship is worth the effort. As sociologist Eric Klinenberg states in Palaces for the People, “The places we gather matter. They create durable relationships that enrich our lives.”

    8- Respect Each Other’s Time Zones and Schedules
    A long-distance friendship often involves juggling time differences and varied routines. Being mindful of each other’s availability shows respect and thoughtfulness. It’s helpful to establish communication windows that work for both parties, minimizing frustration.

    Avoid demanding instant replies or late-night calls unless previously agreed upon. A respectful rhythm of interaction honors each other’s boundaries while preserving connection. As the Dalai Lama once said, “A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.” Predictability in communication builds that trust.

    9- Embrace Silence Without Panic
    Not every quiet spell is a sign of trouble. Sometimes, life simply gets in the way. A healthy long-distance friendship can withstand occasional silence without either party feeling abandoned. This maturity in expectation prevents unnecessary friction.

    Instead of assuming the worst, extend grace and patience. When communication resumes, reconnect with warmth rather than guilt-tripping. As Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman puts it, “Self-regulation and empathy are key pillars of emotional wisdom.” Practicing both nurtures the friendship through life’s ebbs and flows.

    10- Support Each Other’s Growth
    True friends want to see each other evolve. From career advancements to personal milestones, being a cheerleader for your friend’s growth shows genuine care. Offer encouragement, constructive feedback, and heartfelt celebration.

    Long-distance friendships thrive when they include mutual empowerment. According to psychologist Carl Rogers, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Having a friend who supports that process, even from afar, is a treasure.

    11- Keep Shared Memories Alive
    Photos, inside jokes, and mutual experiences are glue for long-distance friendships. Revisiting those moments brings laughter, nostalgia, and reaffirmation of your bond. Keep a digital scrapbook or periodically reminisce during calls.

    Remembering your shared past strengthens your sense of identity together. Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard wrote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Recalling the past together helps you navigate the future as friends.

    12- Read and Watch the Same Things
    Consuming the same content—books, movies, shows—gives you common ground for discussion. These shared cultural references create intellectual intimacy and spark new conversations that go beyond personal updates.

    Choose a book to read together or binge a series you both enjoy. This acts like a virtual book club or movie night and keeps your friendship intellectually stimulating. The Reading Promise by Alice Ozma highlights how shared stories can be powerful bonding agents over time.

    13- Be a Reliable Sounding Board
    Everyone needs someone to vent to, brainstorm with, or seek advice from. Being a consistent listener and trusted confidant cements your role in your friend’s emotional world. Offer nonjudgmental space for thoughts, whether they’re logical or raw.

    Listening well—even from afar—is a gift. Author Kate Murphy in You’re Not Listening underscores that “being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” Show up with open ears.

    14- Avoid Comparisons with Other Friendships
    It’s easy to romanticize in-person friendships and feel like long-distance ones are lacking. But every friendship is unique, and comparison dilutes appreciation. Focus on the strengths and special nature of your connection.

    Embrace what your long-distance friendship can offer rather than what it can’t. As psychologist Barry Schwartz says in The Paradox of Choice, too many comparisons can lead to dissatisfaction. Gratitude and acceptance nurture better bonds.

    15- Share Goals and Dreams
    Discussing future ambitions—whether personal, professional, or relational—builds forward momentum in your friendship. These conversations reveal who you are becoming and what matters to you.

    When friends know your aspirations, they become your motivators and accountability partners. In Drive, Daniel H. Pink notes that shared purpose strengthens bonds and fuels motivation. Your friend becomes part of your inner vision board.

    16- Practice Gratitude Often
    Saying thank you, expressing love, or simply acknowledging their presence matters deeply. Gratitude solidifies emotional connection and strengthens mutual appreciation.

    Make it a habit to tell your friend how much they mean to you. Positive psychology expert Dr. Robert Emmons emphasizes that “gratitude blocks toxic emotions and nurtures resilience.” A grateful heart keeps your friendship healthy.

    17- Engage in Mutual Hobbies
    Whether it’s writing, gaming, or cooking, sharing a hobby creates a dynamic layer to the friendship. It gives you something to do together, not just talk about.

    Create online challenges or collaborative projects. These joint efforts mimic real-life activities and help your friendship evolve with time. As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes in Flow, shared immersion leads to deeper happiness and connection.

    18- Check In During Tough Times
    Life’s storms are when true friendship shows. If your friend is facing grief, burnout, or stress, reach out more—not less. Your voice or message can be a lifeline.

    Even if you’re not sure what to say, your presence alone matters. As Fred Rogers famously said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” Be that safe space.

    19- Be Open to Change
    Friendships evolve just like people do. Life stages, priorities, and values can shift—and that’s okay. The key is flexibility and open communication about changing needs or expectations.

    By accepting evolution instead of resisting it, you give the friendship room to grow. As Rainer Maria Rilke wrote in Letters to a Young Poet, “The only journey is the one within.” Long-distance friendships are about honoring each other’s journeys.

    20- Never Take the Friendship for Granted
    Lastly, recognize that a long-distance friendship that lasts is a rare and beautiful thing. Acknowledge it. Treasure it. And never assume it will survive without effort.

    As Aristotle once said, “What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” It takes intention to protect that soul across borders and time. But when you do, the bond becomes unbreakable.

    21 – Embrace Social Media Thoughtfully

    Social media can be a lifeline in long-distance friendships when used with care. Instead of passive scrolling, use platforms like Instagram or Facebook as interactive spaces to comment, share memories, and react to life updates. Sending memes, tagging each other in relatable posts, or reminiscing over old photos can act like small gestures of affection that keep emotional presence alive.

    However, social media should supplement—not replace—genuine connection. Dr. Susan Pinker, in The Village Effect, emphasizes that the most fulfilling relationships require real interaction, not just virtual engagement. So, be intentional with your social media use, transforming it from a distraction into a thread that ties your bond together.

    22 – Communicate Outside of Social Media

    Direct communication often feels more meaningful than a “like” or emoji reaction. Set aside time to send a voice note, write an email, or engage in an unhurried phone call. These methods allow for a richer exchange of thoughts and emotions that social media can rarely achieve.

    In his book Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport stresses the importance of “high-quality analog communication” for sustaining deep connections. Text messages and scheduled calls may not be flashy, but their consistency shows commitment and intention—qualities that are the bedrock of enduring friendships.

    23 – Keep Each Other Posted

    Keep your friend in the loop about the ordinary and the extraordinary aspects of your life. Share your new routines, goals, setbacks, or even the book you’re reading this week. These details create a mosaic of presence, letting your friend remain a part of your day-to-day life.

    As Brene Brown notes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” By consistently sharing updates, you validate your friend’s role in your life and allow mutual investment in each other’s journey.

    24 – Recommend Favorites Regularly

    Recommending books, music, podcasts, or even recipes is an easy and heartfelt way to stay connected. When your friend reads a novel you’ve loved or listens to a playlist you curated, it offers a shared emotional space and common experiences despite physical distance.

    These small but intentional acts can create intellectual intimacy. As philosopher Alain de Botton explains, shared taste is not trivial—it often reflects shared values and perceptions. Exchanging favorites becomes a way of reaffirming your compatibility and offering each other a window into your evolving selves.

    25 – Lean on Each Other During Tough Times

    Friendship shines brightest in adversity. Reach out during moments of stress, uncertainty, or grief, and be that calm voice across the miles. Vulnerability fosters connection, and showing up emotionally—even virtually—deepens trust.

    Psychologist Dr. John Gottman argues that “bids for connection”—those moments when we seek affirmation or support—are crucial in maintaining strong relationships. When you honor these moments for each other, you’re reinforcing the foundation of mutual care that makes long-distance friendships thrive.

    26 – Create Virtual ‘Sit Downs’

    Schedule regular video calls where you both treat it like catching up at a café or on a living room couch. Share coffee, a glass of wine, or a meal over Zoom and let the conversation flow without distractions.

    Simulating shared experiences can trigger the same emotional responses as physical proximity. Dr. Robin Dunbar, in Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships, highlights that the brain reacts strongly to time spent in laughter and synchronized communication, which video calls can uniquely provide when done intentionally.

    27 – Make Time to Meet in Person

    No virtual method truly replaces the magic of face-to-face meetings. Plan occasional visits or trips to reconnect in person. Even rare meetups can act as emotional recharges for your bond, creating fresh memories and reinforcing your shared history.

    Meeting in person also strengthens your relational neural pathways. According to neuropsychologist Dr. Amy Banks in Wired to Connect, in-person interactions activate core brain systems responsible for emotional well-being—making these meetups vital for sustaining long-term closeness.

    28 – Stick to a Consistent Schedule

    Consistency is key when spontaneity isn’t an option. Whether it’s a monthly video chat or weekly text check-ins, sticking to a schedule provides structure and predictability—two things that help long-distance relationships feel stable.

    Rituals offer psychological comfort. In The Power of Moments, authors Chip and Dan Heath explain how intentional scheduling transforms routine interactions into anticipated events, which enhances emotional significance and builds momentum in maintaining connection.

    29 – Plan a Getaway Together

    Plan a vacation or retreat where you can unwind and make new memories. Traveling together helps you step out of routine and reconnect with the essence of your friendship in a shared space.

    This kind of intentional escape fosters growth. Author Esther Perel writes in The State of Affairs that novelty and shared adventures enhance emotional intimacy. A getaway offers a valuable chance to deepen your connection in ways everyday communication may not allow.

    30 – Invest Time and Effort

    Every friendship needs nurturing, but distance magnifies the importance of effort. Be deliberate in planning calls, remembering important dates, and following through on promises. Actions, not just words, show your commitment.

    Investing time is a declaration of value. According to psychologist Roy Baumeister in Meanings of Life, relationships are one of the greatest sources of life satisfaction, and they thrive on active participation. Demonstrating consistent care affirms the worth of your friendship.

    31 – Talk About Them in Your Life

    Speak about your friend in conversations with others to affirm their place in your life. Mentioning them to mutual friends or sharing their achievements builds a continued sense of relevance and belonging.

    By doing so, you’re reinforcing the psychological reality of their presence. As Dr. Daniel Kahneman discusses in Thinking, Fast and Slow, repeated cognitive referencing strengthens emotional ties. Keeping them present in your life narrative shows they’re not forgotten.

    32 – Surprise Them Occasionally

    Unexpected gifts, letters, or even a voice message out of the blue can go a long way in making your friend feel special. Surprises inject joy and novelty, and they’re often remembered for years.

    In The Art of Showing Up, Rachel Wilkerson Miller emphasizes that thoughtfulness in relationships often comes from these spontaneous gestures. A handwritten card or an unexpected playlist might just be the emotional glue your friendship needs.

    33 – Be Open and Share Freely

    Being emotionally open allows your friend to feel needed and trusted. Share your insecurities, dreams, and daily anecdotes—even the boring ones. True friendships thrive on mutual authenticity.

    Dr. Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, writes, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.” When you share without pretense, you’re building a bridge that miles cannot weaken. Emotional transparency creates a space where both friends feel genuinely seen.

    34 – Know When to Let Go

    Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and that’s okay. If the effort becomes one-sided, or the connection no longer brings joy or growth, it’s okay to release it with gratitude.

    In Necessary Endings, Dr. Henry Cloud explains that letting go is sometimes essential for personal growth. Ending a friendship doesn’t diminish what it once was—it simply honors the reality of change. Closure, when done kindly, allows both people to move forward with peace.

    Conclusion

    Long-distance friendships, like fine art, require intention, patience, and care to flourish. They challenge us to be better communicators, deeper listeners, and more compassionate companions. While they may demand more work, they often yield deeper rewards—trust, empathy, and resilience.

    In an age of fleeting interactions, choosing to nurture a friendship across distance is a bold act of loyalty. It’s a quiet testament to the power of human connection—that even miles apart, two hearts can still be in step. As the poet Kahlil Gibran once wrote, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness… and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

    Long-distance friendships may lack physical proximity, but they make up for it in emotional resilience and intentionality. These relationships demand presence, patience, and creativity—qualities that deepen emotional bonds over time. They teach us to love in ways that transcend the tangible and to prioritize connection over convenience.

    In nurturing such a friendship, you’re building more than just companionship; you’re creating a lasting emotional legacy. As you practice these twenty strategies, remember that the truest friendships don’t fade with distance—they evolve, expand, and often become stronger than ever before.

    Bibliography

    1. Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by Terence Irwin, Hackett Publishing, 1999.
      – Classical reference on the philosophy of friendship and virtue.
    2. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books, 2012.
      – Discusses the power of vulnerability and connection in maintaining meaningful relationships.
    3. Duck, Steve. Human Relationships. SAGE Publications, 2007.
      – A foundational text on the psychology and development of interpersonal relationships.
    4. Helgesen, Sally, and Marshall Goldsmith. How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job. Hachette Books, 2018.
      – Contains insights into building supportive professional and personal networks.
    5. Levine, Amir, and Rachel Heller. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee, 2010.
      – Relevant for understanding emotional dynamics in all types of long-term relationships, including friendships.
    6. Putnam, Robert D. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster, 2000.
      – Analyzes the decline of social capital and the impact of distance on relationships.
    7. Suttie, Jill. “How to Stay Close When You’re Far Apart.” Greater Good Magazine, Greater Good Science Center, 14 May 2018.
      https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stay_close_when_youre_far_apart
      – Offers science-based tips on maintaining long-distance friendships.
    8. Turkle, Sherry. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Books, 2015.
      – Explores how digital communication can affect the quality of our conversations and relationships.
    9. Waldinger, Robert, and Marc Schulz. The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Simon & Schuster, 2023.
      – Draws on longitudinal research showing the importance of social bonds to well-being.
    10. Yalom, Irvin D. Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy. Basic Books, 1989.
      – Explores the human need for connection and emotional support through compelling therapeutic case studies.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

    Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!

  • The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    The Path to Deeper Relationships, The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    This source explores the complexities of human relationships and the pursuit of intimacy, asserting that love is a conscious choice rather than a mere feeling. It emphasizes the significance of shared purpose, effective communication, mutual respect, and the courage to be vulnerable for building strong connections. The text argues against settling for superficial interactions and encourages readers to actively work towards deeper understanding and support within their relationships, ultimately aiming to help individuals become the best versions of themselves. It also addresses common fears and illusions that hinder intimacy and offers practical advice on cultivating more fulfilling and meaningful bonds with others.

    Love as a Choice: Action, Growth, and Purpose

    Choosing love is a central theme in the sources, emphasizing that love is not merely a feeling but a conscious decision and an active choice. The speaker in the source highlights that “Love is a choice. Love is an act of the will,” and asserts that “You can choose to love”. This idea is further reinforced by the statement that “Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us”.

    The sources argue that basing relationships solely on feelings is precarious because feelings are inconsistent. Instead, our actions should be driven by our hopes, values, and essential purpose. When the feeling of love is absent, the source advises to “love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her,” explaining that love as a feeling is a result of love as an action, urging to serve, sacrifice, listen, empathize, appreciate, and affirm the other person.

    Choosing love is presented as the only truly sensible choice in any situation. This choice may sometimes mean staying together and working through difficulties, while at other times it may involve breaking up, setting boundaries, or telling someone an uncomfortable truth – all in the best interest of the individuals involved.

    The consequences of choosing not to love are significant. The source states that “When you choose not to love, you commit a grave crime against yourself”. Withholding love, even to spite another person, ultimately harms the one withholding it, hindering their potential for growth. Conversely, when we choose love, our spirit expands.

    Furthermore, the source emphasizes that we become what we love. Loving selfless, kind, and generous people encourages us to develop those same qualities. Our passions and fascinations shape our thoughts, actions, habits, character, and ultimately our destiny. Therefore, consciously choosing who and what we love is crucial for personal growth and the trajectory of our lives. The source suggests that love should inspire and challenge us to become the best version of ourselves.

    The ability to choose love is linked to freedom, which in turn requires discipline. Freedom is defined not as the ability to do whatever one wants, but as the strength of character to do what is good, true, noble, and right, enabling us to choose and celebrate the best version of ourselves. Discipline is seen as evidence of freedom and a prerequisite for genuine love, allowing us to give ourselves freely and completely to another.

    Choosing love also extends to selecting our friends and partners. The source advises choosing people who will help us become the best version of ourselves. When making decisions about relationships, placing our essential purpose at the center of our lives should guide our choices.

    Ultimately, the source posits that life is about love, including how we love and hurt ourselves and others. The highest expression of self-love is celebrating our best self, and the greatest expression of love for others is assisting them in their quest to become the best version of themselves. Therefore, actively and consciously choosing to love – in our actions, decisions, and relationships – is presented as the path to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

    The Purpose-Driven Relationship: Becoming Our Best Selves Together

    Discussing common purpose, the sources emphasize its fundamental role in creating and sustaining dynamic relationships. A common purpose keeps people together, while a lack of it, or losing sight of it, or it becoming unimportant, is why relationships break up.

    The source argues that superficial connections like common interests are insufficient for long-term relationships; a common purpose is essential. To understand the purpose of our relationships, we must first understand our individual purpose.

    According to the sources, our essential purpose as individuals is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This essential purpose then provides the common purpose for every relationship: to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. This applies to all types of relationships, whether between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and neighbor, or business executive and customer. The first purpose, obligation, and responsibility of any relationship is to help each other achieve this essential purpose.

    Building relationships on the foundation of a common goal to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, driven by growth in virtue, is likely to lead to joyfulness and contentedness. Conversely, basing relationships on unsteady whims and self-centered desires will likely result in an irritable and discontented spirit.

    The source highlights that a sense of common purpose keeps relationships together, and when this sense is lost, relationships fall apart. Some relationships are based on temporary common purposes like pleasure or common interests, and they often end when these temporary purposes cease or change. Even couples who shared the common purpose of raising children may find their relationship dissolves once the children are grown, as their primary common purpose has evaporated.

    The truth is that all relationships are based on a common purpose, whether articulated or not. However, the most noble and long-lasting goal, and thus the ultimate purpose of a relationship, is to help each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. This essential purpose is different from temporary purposes because it never changes or fades; the striving to celebrate our best selves is a continuous process that brings us to life. Basing a primary relationship on this unchanging essential purpose increases the likelihood of it lasting and thriving.

    Placing the essential purpose at the center of relationships can create a dynamic environment where individuals inspire, encourage, comfort, and celebrate each other’s growth. Relationships should be governed by the simple vision of the quest to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. The journey in relationships is from “yours and mine” to “ours,” a synthesis for one common purpose, with the noblest and longest-lasting goal being helping each other become the best version of themselves.

    At the breakdown points of relationships, a lack of a consciously aware common purpose, beyond mutual pleasure or common interests, often leads to a feeling that “nothing makes sense anymore”. The real crisis in relationships is not a crisis of commitment, but a crisis of purpose. Purpose inspires commitment.

    In disagreements, a commonly agreed-upon purpose, such as the essential purpose, provides a crucial reference point, allowing disputes to be discussed in relation to that shared goal. This can help avoid arguments escalating into ego battles. Without a common purpose, relationships can become vehicles for selfish goals, leading to conflict and a lack of genuine intimacy.

    Therefore, in primary relationships, arriving at an agreement that the purpose is to help each other become the-best-versions-of-yourselves provides a “touchstone of sanity” and a guiding “North Star”. Defining this common purpose is the first step in designing a great relationship.

    Ultimately, a significant relationship should be a dynamic collaboration focused on striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves and helping others do the same.

    The Power of Self-Awareness in Relationships and Growth

    Discussing self-awareness, the sources highlight its crucial role in personal growth, intimacy, and the overall quality of relationships. Self-awareness is presented as the foundation for understanding oneself, navigating relationships effectively, and pursuing one’s essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself.

    The sources emphasize that relationships serve as vital mirrors for self-discovery. Being isolated can lead to self-deception, but interactions with others provide honest reflections necessary to see and know ourselves, moving us from illusion to reality. Observing how others react to us – their body language, comfort levels – offers valuable insights into our own behavior and its impact. Furthermore, noticing what annoys or attracts us in others can reveal aspects we recognize or desire in ourselves. People essentially “introduce us to ourselves”.

    Intimacy is directly linked to self-awareness and the willingness to reveal oneself. One can only experience intimacy to the extent they are prepared to share who they truly are. However, discomfort with oneself can limit the experience of intimacy. Becoming comfortable with oneself is the first step toward true intimacy. This involves acknowledging the “essential truth of the human condition” – that we are all imperfect, with faults and flaws, which are a part of our shared humanity.

    Solitude and silence are essential for developing self-awareness. In moments undisturbed by the external world, we can understand our needs, desires, talents, and abilities. Regularly stepping into “the great classrooms of silence and solitude” helps us reconnect with ourselves.

    Self-awareness involves understanding our feelings and recognizing them as reactions conditioned by past experiences and beliefs. By understanding the “why” behind our feelings and the feelings of others, we can navigate relationships with greater empathy.

    A key aspect of self-awareness is the ability to recognize and own our faults, fears, and failures. Unwillingness to admit these aspects can hinder personal development, turning us into victims of our past. Acknowledging our shortcomings empowers us to make dynamic choices for a better future. The sources suggest that everyone has a “dark side,” and acknowledging this reality, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, is crucial for genuine connection.

    Self-awareness is also crucial in discussions and disagreements. Learning to be at peace with opposing opinions is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. The goal of authentic discussion should be to explore the subject, not to be right, requiring individuals to remove their ego and understand different perspectives. Acceptance, rather than mere understanding, is presented as key to thriving in deeper levels of intimacy, and this acceptance begins with oneself.

    Furthermore, self-awareness is intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Our internal compass, guided by this purpose, helps us assess the relevance of information and make choices that align with our growth.

    Self-observation is a crucial skill in developing self-awareness, allowing us to understand how people and situations affect us. This awareness helps us to be more mindful of our actions and their impact on others.

    In essence, the sources portray self-awareness as a continuous, lifelong journey that is vital for personal fulfillment and the creation of meaningful relationships built on honesty, acceptance, and a shared purpose of growth.

    Overcoming Fear: The Path to Intimacy

    Overcoming fear is a central theme in the sources, particularly in the context of building intimacy and authentic relationships. The deepest of all human fears is the fear that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t love us. This fear lurks in everyone and often leads to pretense, where individuals hide their brokenness and imperfections, pretending that everything is under control.

    However, the sources argue that overcoming this fear of rejection is essential for experiencing true love and intimacy. While we may be afraid to reveal ourselves, thinking our faults will be judged, it is only by doing so that we open the possibility of truly being loved. In most cases, revealing our true selves, “warts and all,” actually leads people to love us more because they recognize their own humanity and fears in us. There is something “glorious about our humanity,” both strong and weak, and celebrating it involves revealing our struggles, which in turn encourages others to do the same.

    The truth is that when we reveal our weaknesses, people often feel more at peace with us and are more likely to offer support than rejection. Intimacy itself requires a willingness to reveal our “dark side,” not to shock, but so that others might help us battle our inner demons. This willingness to share our weaknesses is a “tremendous sign of faith” that encourages others to lower their guard. As long as we are sincerely striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, we may find that we are more loved because of our weaknesses, in our “raw and imperfect humanity,” rather than when pretending to have it all together.

    The sources connect the unwillingness to overcome the fear of rejection with a sense of loneliness. Loneliness can manifest in many ways, even when surrounded by people, and can stem from betraying oneself and missing one’s “lost self”.

    In the realm of emotional intimacy, achieving it requires humility and vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable due to the fear of revealing our opinions, feelings, fears, and dreams. However, the fear of revealing ourselves should not become our natural state; life itself is a self-revelation.

    The journey through the seven levels of intimacy highlights how overcoming fear is crucial at deeper levels:

    • At the third level (opinions), the fear of differing opinions can be a major obstacle. Learning to be at peace with opposing views is a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. Acceptance, rather than trying to convince others, is key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • At the fourth level (hopes and dreams), we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by because dreams are a point of significant vulnerability. Judgmental and critical environments foster fear and hinder true intimacy.
    • At the fifth level (feelings), we directly confront the fear of rejection. Revealing our feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes us extremely vulnerable. Overcoming this fear by letting our guard down and taking our mask off is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance, developed in the third level, provides the courage to share our feelings without fear of judgment.
    • At the sixth level (faults, fears, and failures), we finally develop enough comfort to share our faults and fears. Fear here is more than just a feeling; it significantly influences our decisions. Admitting our fears requires realizing that our partner’s role is to walk with us, not fix them. Taking ownership of our faults, fears, and failures is crucial to avoid becoming their victims and to become “dynamic choice makers”. Bringing our “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power over us.

    The sources suggest several ways to overcome fear:

    • Develop self-esteem: Maturity comes when we cherish ourselves and would rather be rejected for who we truly are than loved for pretending to be someone we are not. Being comfortable with ourselves, acknowledging our imperfections as part of our shared humanity, and understanding that no one is inherently better than another are essential steps.
    • Practice self-awareness: Observing our own reactions and how others respond to us can provide insights and help us understand our fears.
    • Embrace vulnerability: Willingness to reveal oneself, even weaknesses, is crucial for intimacy and encourages others to do the same.
    • Cultivate acceptance: Both accepting ourselves and accepting others, despite differences, creates a safe environment where fear diminishes and self-revelation can occur.
    • Build trust: A belief that our significant other has our best interests at heart is essential for laying bare our faults and fears.
    • Recognize the alternative: The fear of loneliness and the desire for genuine connection can motivate us to overcome the fear of rejection.
    • Make a conscious choice: Overcoming fear and choosing to be oneself is a deliberate act.
    • Understand the transformative power of intimacy: Intimacy has the power to liberate us from our fears.

    In essence, the sources present overcoming fear as a fundamental aspect of personal growth and the development of deep, meaningful relationships. It requires a shift from hiding behind pretense to embracing vulnerability, fostered by self-awareness, self-acceptance, and the acceptance of others within a trusting and loving environment.

    The Seven Levels of Intimacy

    Developing intimacy is presented in the sources as a gradual process of mutual self-revelation that involves moving through seven distinct levels, ultimately leading to a dynamic collaboration focused on fulfilling legitimate needs. Intimacy is not merely physical; it is multidimensional, encompassing the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of a person. It is also highlighted as a fundamental human need essential for happiness and thriving, not just surviving.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy begins with a willingness to reveal oneself. Relationships themselves are a process of self-revelation, but often people spend time hiding their true selves. True intimacy requires taking off masks, letting down guards, and sharing what shapes and directs one’s life, including strengths, weaknesses, faults, talents, dreams, and fears. This act of sharing one’s story is crucial for feeling uniquely known. You will experience intimacy only to the extent that you are prepared to reveal yourself.

    The journey of developing intimacy can be understood through the seven levels of intimacy outlined in the sources:

    • The first level is clichés, involving superficial exchanges that reveal little about each person. While useful for initial connections, staying at this level prevents true intimacy. Carefree timelessness, spending time together without an agenda, is key to moving beyond this level.
    • The second level is facts, where impersonal information is shared. Like clichés, this level is important for initial acquaintance but becomes stale if a relationship remains here. Moving to higher-level impersonal facts and then to personal facts acts as a bridge to deeper intimacy. However, remaining at this level can lead to a prison of loneliness.
    • The third level is opinions, which is identified as the first major obstacle in the quest for intimacy because opinions can differ and lead to controversy. This level requires developing the maturity to be with people whose opinions differ from one’s own. Acceptance, rather than just understanding, is the key to mastering this level and opening the gates of intimacy.
    • The fourth level is hopes and dreams, where individuals reveal what brings passion and energy to their lives. Revealing dreams requires feeling accepted. Knowing each other’s dreams and helping to fulfill them brings dynamism to a relationship. This level also involves deciding which dreams have priority in relation to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves.
    • The fifth level is feelings, where vulnerability becomes paramount. Sharing feelings, the “raw emotional nerve endings,” makes one extremely vulnerable, confronting the fear of rejection. Overcoming the fear by letting one’s guard down is the price of deeper intimacy. Acceptance developed in the third level provides the courage to share feelings without fear of judgment. Feelings are reactions conditioned by past experiences, and understanding these reactions in oneself and others is crucial.
    • The sixth level is faults, fears, and failures, where individuals let down their guard to share their vulnerabilities honestly. Admitting the need for help, revealing fears, and owning up to past failures are signs of great maturity. This level is about being set free from victimhood and becoming a dynamic choice maker. Bringing one’s “dark side” into the light within a loving relationship diminishes its power.
    • The seventh level is legitimate needs, where the quest to know and be known turns into a truly dynamic collaboration. This level involves not only knowing each other’s legitimate needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) but also actively helping each other fulfill them. It represents the pinnacle of intimacy, where the focus shifts from “What’s in it for me?” to mutual fulfillment and the creation of a lifestyle that allows both individuals to thrive and become the-best-versions-of-themselves.

    The sources emphasize that intimacy is not a task to be completed but a continuous journey, with individuals moving in and out of different levels daily. Not all relationships are meant to experience all seven levels to the same degree. Furthermore, intimacy cannot be rushed; it requires time and the gentle pressure of effort from both partners.

    Developing intimacy is also intrinsically linked to the essential purpose of becoming the-best-version-of-oneself. Intimacy is described as sharing the journey to become the-best-version-of-ourselves with another person. Soulful relationships revolve around helping each other achieve this purpose.

    In conclusion, developing intimacy is a multifaceted and ongoing process characterized by increasing self-revelation, vulnerability, acceptance, and a shared commitment to mutual growth and the fulfillment of legitimate needs, as outlined by the seven levels of intimacy. It requires moving beyond superficial interactions and embracing the challenges and rewards of knowing and being truly known by another person.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

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