Category: Childhood Emotional Neglect

  • UK: Will New School Rules Help Cut Violence In The Classroom?

    UK: Will New School Rules Help Cut Violence In The Classroom?

    In the quiet corners of British classrooms, a growing storm of disruption has been brewing — one that policymakers can no longer ignore. Classroom violence, once a marginal concern, has steadily risen to alarming levels, prompting the UK government to introduce a new set of school rules designed to restore order and discipline. These measures have sparked a vital national conversation: can regulation and reform meaningfully curb aggressive student behaviour?

    While some hail the changes as long overdue, others caution that rules alone may not address the deeper social, psychological, and institutional issues at play. The debate isn’t just about education; it’s about the very fabric of school culture and how we shape young minds for civil society. The significance of these rules lies not only in their content but also in how they are implemented and received by teachers, students, and parents alike.

    The challenge, then, is not only to enforce discipline but to do so in a way that promotes respect, engagement, and mental well-being. As philosopher John Dewey once noted, “Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.” If violence continues unchecked, it is not only learning that suffers but the social foundation of future generations.


    1- The Rising Tide of Classroom Violence

    Classroom violence in the UK has become a focal point of concern for educators, parents, and policymakers alike. Recent statistics have shown a sharp increase in verbal abuse, physical aggression, and intimidation directed at both teachers and pupils. In many instances, these incidents are symptomatic of wider societal tensions — from mental health struggles to the erosion of authority within school settings. According to the National Education Union, nearly one in three teachers report having faced physical threats during their careers.

    This growing crisis undermines not only classroom safety but also the learning environment itself. When students and teachers operate under a constant shadow of disruption, educational outcomes invariably suffer. Renowned sociologist Emile Durkheim argued that discipline is a cornerstone of social cohesion. Without it, the classroom ceases to be a space of structured learning and becomes one of chaos and survival.


    2- Government’s Response: The New School Rules

    In response to these worrying trends, the UK government has introduced a raft of new school rules aimed at reinforcing discipline and reducing classroom violence. These include measures such as zero-tolerance policies for aggressive behaviour, more powers for headteachers to suspend or expel disruptive students, and increased use of in-school isolation rooms. Proponents argue these rules will empower schools to take swift, decisive action.

    However, critics argue that these top-down measures may lack nuance and fail to account for the root causes of behavioural issues. A rule-based approach, they contend, risks criminalising students rather than rehabilitating them. As educationalist Sir Ken Robinson wrote, “You cannot improve education by alienating the very people it’s supposed to engage.” The challenge is ensuring that discipline policies are balanced, just, and contextually sensitive.


    3- The Role of Teacher Authority

    The authority of teachers is pivotal in managing classroom dynamics. Unfortunately, this authority has been steadily undermined over the years due to shifting cultural attitudes, increased student rights, and a lack of institutional backing. When teachers are not supported in maintaining order, they are more likely to experience burnout and disillusionment.

    Restoring teacher authority does not mean reverting to authoritarian models, but rather affirming the teacher’s role as a guide, mentor, and leader. As Paulo Freire observed in Pedagogy of the Oppressed, true authority emerges not from domination, but from mutual respect and dialogue. Teacher training must therefore include conflict resolution skills, classroom management, and psychological insight.


    4- Influence of Family and Social Background

    A child’s behaviour in school is often a mirror of their home environment. Socioeconomic stress, lack of parental supervision, and exposure to domestic conflict can manifest in disruptive behaviours at school. These issues are particularly pronounced in deprived areas, where children may lack positive role models and emotional stability.

    Educational psychologist Dr. Tanya Byron asserts that “behaviour is communication,” and understanding what lies beneath the surface is key to addressing it effectively. Schools need to work closely with families and social services to provide holistic support for vulnerable children, recognising that discipline must be accompanied by care.


    5- Impact on Learning Outcomes

    Classroom violence is not just a disciplinary issue; it’s an academic one. Constant disruptions derail lesson plans, demoralise educators, and create an atmosphere of fear rather than curiosity. According to Ofsted, schools with high levels of behavioural issues tend to have lower achievement scores, regardless of the quality of teaching.

    Long-term exposure to a chaotic learning environment can have deep psychological effects on students. It diminishes their confidence, stifles participation, and fosters disengagement. As educational theorist Alfie Kohn notes in Punished by Rewards, environments that prioritise control over understanding often backfire, undermining intrinsic motivation to learn.


    6- The Role of Mental Health

    Mental health is a significant, though often overlooked, factor in classroom violence. Many students acting out are grappling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or undiagnosed neurodivergent conditions. A punitive response in these cases can exacerbate rather than resolve the issue.

    Investment in school counselling services, early intervention, and staff training in mental health awareness is essential. The Children’s Commissioner for England has repeatedly highlighted the gap in mental health provision for school-aged children. Addressing mental well-being is not ancillary to education—it is central to it.


    7- Peer Influence and School Culture

    Peer dynamics play a powerful role in shaping behaviour. In schools where violence or bullying is normalised, students may feel pressured to conform to disruptive group norms. Conversely, in schools with a strong culture of respect and mutual accountability, positive behaviour is reinforced naturally.

    School culture must be deliberately cultivated through clear values, consistent leadership, and student voice initiatives. Educational researcher Michael Fullan argues in Leading in a Culture of Change that cultural transformation requires deep engagement, not just rule enforcement. In other words, schools must be communities, not merely institutions.


    8- Support for Teachers

    Teachers are on the frontlines of this struggle, yet many feel ill-equipped or unsupported when it comes to managing violence. Professional development in classroom management and trauma-informed teaching is often inconsistent or inadequate.

    Moreover, schools must foster a culture where staff can report incidents without fear of judgment or bureaucratic inertia. Providing psychological support for teachers themselves, especially those in high-stress environments, is equally crucial. A resilient teacher body is a school’s best asset in confronting behavioural challenges.


    9- Role of School Leadership

    Effective school leadership is central to managing behaviour and implementing new rules with integrity and fairness. Strong leaders set the tone for what is acceptable and are proactive in addressing problems before they escalate. Their presence is felt not only in policy but in everyday interactions with staff and students.

    Leadership must also involve ethical decision-making. As leadership expert Dr. Andy Hargreaves notes, sustainable change comes from “moral purpose aligned with professional practice.” Headteachers must strike a balance between firmness and empathy, ensuring that discipline does not become synonymous with exclusion.


    10- Policy and Funding Issues

    Policy without funding is rhetoric without reality. The success of any new behavioural initiative depends heavily on the availability of resources — for staff training, student support services, and infrastructure. Yet many UK schools continue to struggle with underfunding.

    Educational reformer Diane Ravitch has warned that reform efforts often fail because they ignore the economic conditions in which schools operate. Without proper investment, the burden of discipline falls disproportionately on overstretched teachers, undermining the very goals these policies aim to achieve.


    11- Involvement of Parents and Community

    Parents and community members are essential partners in any effort to reduce school violence. When schools and families collaborate, students receive a consistent message about behaviour and responsibility. However, this partnership requires active outreach and trust-building.

    Community programmes that offer parenting support, mentorship, and youth engagement can help mitigate behavioural issues before they enter the classroom. As the African proverb goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” School violence is not an isolated problem—it is a reflection of broader societal dynamics.


    12- Balancing Punishment and Rehabilitation

    A punitive approach may yield short-term compliance but often fails to foster long-term behavioural change. Effective discipline should be restorative, focusing on accountability, empathy, and reparation. Restorative justice programmes have shown promise in reducing recidivism and improving school climate.

    This approach is grounded in the belief that students should be active participants in resolving conflict. As Margaret Thorsborne, a pioneer in restorative practice, puts it: “Punishment disconnects; restoration reconnects.” Schools should aim to educate the whole child, not merely correct behaviour.


    13- Impact of Social Media and Technology

    The digital age has introduced new avenues for conflict among students. Cyberbullying, exposure to violent content, and social media-fueled peer drama often spill over into the classroom. Teachers now contend with a world where harmful interactions are no longer confined to the schoolyard.

    Digital literacy education and clear policies on device use can help, but parental involvement is equally crucial. Psychologist Sherry Turkle’s Alone Together highlights how online life alters our sense of empathy and presence — both critical for peaceful coexistence in shared spaces like schools.


    14- Case Studies from Other Countries

    Looking abroad, countries like Finland and Japan offer models worth examining. Finnish schools focus heavily on emotional intelligence and teacher autonomy, resulting in low rates of classroom violence. Japan, meanwhile, instils discipline through collective responsibility and moral education.

    These examples show that culture, pedagogy, and policy must work in harmony. Importing models wholesale is unwise, but adapting best practices within a local context can yield real benefits. The OECD’s comparative education studies provide valuable data for such international benchmarking.


    15- Student Voice and Engagement

    Students should not merely be the recipients of discipline; they should be collaborators in shaping school culture. When students have a say in rule-making, they are more likely to internalise those rules. School councils, peer mentoring, and feedback forums can amplify student voice.

    As educational reformer Deborah Meier observed, “Democracy has to be born anew every generation, and education is its midwife.” Engaging students as citizens of the school community promotes responsibility, empathy, and self-discipline.


    16- Training and Curriculum Reform

    To tackle violence at its roots, curriculum reform is essential. Subjects like PSHE (Personal, Social, Health and Economic education), ethics, and emotional literacy must be given more weight. Behaviour cannot be separated from values and understanding.

    Teacher training must also evolve. Conflict de-escalation, trauma-awareness, and inclusive practices should be core components of teacher education. As highlighted in The Courage to Teach by Parker J. Palmer, teaching is an act of moral and emotional presence, not mere instruction.


    17- Long-Term Cultural Change

    Tackling classroom violence is not about quick fixes but enduring change. Cultural transformation within schools takes time, consistency, and a shared vision. It involves altering how authority, respect, and learning are understood and practiced.

    This cultural shift requires leadership at all levels and must be anchored in trust, dialogue, and shared responsibility. In the words of James Comer, “No significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” At the heart of lasting change lies the human connection.


    18- Challenges in Implementation

    Even the most well-intentioned rules can falter in implementation. Variability in school leadership, local funding disparities, and inconsistent training can all lead to uneven outcomes. Moreover, resistance from staff or students may emerge if reforms feel imposed rather than inclusive.

    Effective change management requires transparency, stakeholder buy-in, and ongoing evaluation. The Education Endowment Foundation stresses the importance of evidence-based strategies and pilot programmes before full-scale implementation.


    19- Metrics of Success

    Measuring the success of anti-violence initiatives must go beyond counting detentions or exclusions. True success lies in improved student engagement, teacher satisfaction, academic achievement, and a sense of safety and belonging.

    Qualitative data — including surveys, interviews, and behavioural observations — can offer insights that raw numbers cannot. A holistic evaluation framework ensures that progress is both real and sustainable.


    20- The Broader Educational Philosophy

    At the core of this issue lies a question of educational purpose. Are schools merely centres of compliance and exam results, or are they spaces of human development and societal transformation? Our response to violence in classrooms reveals what we truly value.

    Drawing from the works of thinkers like Nel Noddings and bell hooks, we are reminded that education must be an act of care, justice, and liberation. Rules matter, but the spirit behind them matters more. Schools must be places where every child is safe not only from harm, but also from indifference.


    21- Effective Teacher Responses to Disruptive Behaviour

    Teachers must strike a careful balance between authority and empathy when confronting disruptive behaviour. Reacting with excessive force or visible frustration often escalates conflict, whereas a calm, consistent approach tends to de-escalate tensions. Employing techniques such as proximity control, tactical ignoring, and assertive redirection can prevent minor disruptions from spiralling into major incidents. This aligns with the work of Dr. Bill Rogers, who advocates for “positive correction” and setting clear, respectful expectations.

    Additionally, teachers must document behavioural incidents accurately and involve support structures early. Collaboration with senior staff and pastoral teams ensures a unified, strategic response rather than fragmented firefighting. As the Department for Education has stressed, school-wide consistency is vital for behavioural frameworks to be effective and equitable across diverse classroom settings.


    22- Building Positive Relationships as Prevention

    Strong, trust-based relationships between teachers and students are a proven deterrent to violent behaviour. When students feel seen, respected, and understood, they are less likely to act out. These connections are built through daily interactions, active listening, and genuine care — not merely through rewards or sanctions. As Rita Pierson, the famed educator, once said, “Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”

    This relational approach not only prevents conflict but also fosters resilience and emotional regulation. Investing in social-emotional learning and peer mentoring can further reinforce these positive dynamics. The restorative model, which centres on relationships rather than retribution, has gained traction for its long-term impact on school culture and student well-being.


    23- Addressing Violent and Aggressive Behaviour

    When pupils exhibit violent or aggressive behaviour, an immediate response is essential — not only for safety but also to signal that such conduct is unacceptable. However, the response must be proportionate and rooted in policy. Safe restraint protocols, removal from class, and immediate debriefing are critical. Staff must never act out of fear or impulse but follow training procedures and risk assessments.

    Post-incident interventions are equally important. These include restorative conversations, individual behaviour plans, and referrals to psychological services if necessary. As highlighted in Behaviour and Discipline in Schools: A Guide for Teachers, effective interventions blend consistency with individualised support. Schools that ignore or minimise violent behaviour risk normalising it.


    24- Conservatives Dismissed It as “Waffle”

    The Conservative Party’s sharp dismissal of the new guidance as “waffle” underscores the ideological divide in education policy. Critics argue that the documents are heavy on jargon and light on actionable strategies, providing little reassurance to teachers battling daily disruption. They point to a lack of firm commitment to discipline, calling instead for a return to traditional authority structures.

    This political rejection reflects broader tensions between progressive educational philosophies and calls for stricter enforcement. However, both sides agree that teachers need clarity and support. Any guidance perceived as evasive or overly abstract risks losing credibility with the very professionals it aims to support.


    25- What’s the Problem?

    At its heart, the crisis in UK classrooms is a convergence of rising behavioural issues, insufficient support, and systemic underinvestment. The problem isn’t merely one of individual misconduct but a reflection of deeper societal stressors — including poverty, trauma, and digital overstimulation — manifesting in student behaviour.

    Educational theorist Sir Tim Brighouse asserts that “a school mirrors its society.” Thus, schools cannot be expected to solve these problems in isolation. A coordinated, well-funded, and contextually aware strategy is essential to move from reactive to preventative practices across the system.


    26- Boundaries That Are Impossible to Maintain

    A significant challenge faced by educators is the erosion of enforceable boundaries. Vague policies, inconsistent leadership, and fear of backlash have created a climate in which teachers hesitate to act decisively. This ambiguity undermines their authority and emboldens disruptive students.

    In Classroom Behaviour, Bill Rogers discusses the importance of “predictable consequences and relational authority” — without which, even the best teaching becomes unsustainable. Teachers must be empowered to set firm, fair boundaries, and know they will be supported when they do so.


    27- Teachers Leaving Due to Overwhelming Behaviour

    The exodus of educators due to student behaviour has become an alarming trend. Overwhelmed by relentless classroom disruptions and the emotional toll they take, many skilled teachers are leaving the profession altogether. A recent survey by the National Association of Head Teachers found that behaviour was cited as a top reason for burnout.

    This attrition represents not just a human cost but a systemic failure. Losing experienced educators reduces continuity and mentorship for newer staff, leading to a vicious cycle of instability. Retention strategies must prioritise mental health, workload reduction, and behavioural support to stem this tide.


    28- Nervous Children Avoiding School

    The impact of classroom disruption extends beyond staff; children themselves are becoming increasingly anxious about attending school. Witnessing or experiencing violence can lead to school avoidance, anxiety, and even school refusal syndrome. These pupils are the silent victims of behavioural breakdowns.

    The charity YoungMinds has repeatedly highlighted the rise in school-related anxiety among UK children. Preventing this fallout requires a safe, calm, and predictable learning environment where all students feel protected and supported — not just those acting out.


    29- Trauma Inflicted on Peers

    Children exposed to the violent or disruptive behaviour of their peers often suffer secondary trauma. These pupils may become hyper-vigilant, fearful, or withdrawn, hindering their cognitive development and social engagement. Schools must recognise these students as affected parties deserving of care.

    Trauma-informed schooling, as detailed in The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom by Patricia A. Jennings, calls for staff awareness, predictable routines, and safe spaces for expression. Behavioural issues cannot be treated in isolation; their ripple effects are wide and long-lasting.


    30- Summary of the New Guidance

    The UK government’s new guidance outlines a behaviour framework intended to support consistency and empower educators. Key recommendations include staged interventions, clear consequences, and greater school-level autonomy. The document also places emphasis on restorative practices and positive reinforcement.

    However, while comprehensive in scope, critics note that its language often lacks clarity and urgency. For effective implementation, this guidance must be translated into clear training modules, accessible tools, and strong leadership support.


    31- Staged Interventions in the Appendix

    The appendix provides a tiered approach to interventions, beginning with verbal reminders and escalating to isolation or exclusion where necessary. This structure mirrors the response models used in therapeutic education environments and is intended to ensure proportionality.

    Crucially, each stage also includes restorative elements and opportunities for pupil reflection. This dual approach—combining discipline and rehabilitation—is considered best practice by behavioural specialists and aims to reduce repeat incidents through understanding, not just consequence.


    32- Calming Spaces as De-Escalation Tools

    Taking disruptive students to a designated calm area can help de-escalate volatile situations before they become unmanageable. These spaces offer sensory regulation and time for reflection, preventing impulsive behaviour from spiralling into aggression.

    When used correctly, this approach fosters emotional intelligence and self-regulation. However, such strategies must be paired with staff training to avoid misuse or over-reliance. Done right, they serve as preventative tools rather than punitive ones.


    33- The Question of Exclusions

    Exclusions remain one of the most contentious tools in managing behaviour. While sometimes necessary for safety, their overuse can lead to alienation, educational disengagement, and increased risk of criminal involvement. Critics argue exclusions address the symptom, not the cause.

    Education experts like Professor Carl Parsons have long warned that exclusions disproportionately affect vulnerable and disadvantaged pupils. Schools must explore alternative sanctions where possible and ensure exclusions are used judiciously and transparently.


    34- Life-Changing Impact of Expulsion

    Being expelled from school can derail a young person’s entire trajectory. They face reduced access to education, social stigma, and fewer life chances. According to research from the IPPR, excluded children are four times more likely to end up in the criminal justice system.

    To mitigate this, alternative provision and reintegration programmes must be robust and well-funded. Education should never become a system that simply casts out its most troubled members — it must remain a space of redemption and opportunity.


    35- Exclusion as a Last Resort: Gilruth’s Stance

    Education Secretary Jenny Gilruth’s emphasis on exclusion as a “last resort” reflects a cautious, balanced position. It signals an intent to prioritise inclusion, yet preserve schools’ ability to respond decisively to serious incidents.

    Her statement underscores the need for comprehensive behavioural policies that include both preventative and reactive measures. The key will be ensuring this message is accompanied by tangible support, not just rhetorical framing.


    36- Guidance Permits Exclusion for Violence

    The guidance does explicitly state that exclusion is permitted in cases involving violence, offering clarity to schools that face high-risk scenarios. This inclusion reassures educators that their safety and authority remain protected within the policy framework.

    However, it also necessitates strong accountability to ensure exclusions are used fairly and not as an expedient means of managing complex cases. Clear documentation and independent review processes will be essential to uphold equity.


    37- Reaction to the Guidelines

    Responses to the new guidelines have been mixed. Teachers’ unions welcome the recognition of rising behavioural challenges but question whether the measures go far enough. Many remain sceptical about implementation, citing past failures and resource gaps.

    Public opinion is similarly divided, with some parents calling for stricter discipline and others urging caution against punitive approaches. For the guidelines to succeed, they must evolve in consultation with the very practitioners they seek to empower.


    38- Call for More Resources and Staff

    A recurring theme in the debate is the need for more resources — more staff, more counsellors, more training. Without this, even the best policies will fail at the ground level. Teachers cannot carry the burden of reform alone.

    The Education Policy Institute has repeatedly stressed that staff-to-student ratios and pastoral investment are directly linked to behavioural outcomes. A well-resourced school is not only more effective but more humane.


    39- Empowering Teachers: Gilruth’s Promise

    Jenny Gilruth has pledged that the new policies will empower teachers by providing clearer frameworks and more authority. This is a welcome shift from previous years, where teachers often felt sidelined in behaviour debates.

    To fulfil this promise, the government must ensure consistent policy rollout, funded training, and public support for educators. Empowerment is not a matter of statements — it must be felt in the daily reality of every classroom.


    40- Emotional Dysregulation and Classroom Chaos

    A growing number of students present with emotional dysregulation — rapid mood swings, impulsivity, and poor frustration tolerance — which frequently lead to disruptive episodes. These behaviours are often linked to neurodiversity or trauma and require specialised responses.

    Schools must integrate mental health training into their CPD offerings and work closely with child psychologists and behavioural therapists. As neuroscience advances, so too must our educational responses evolve beyond punishment into healing.


    41- Lack of Clear Rules Leaves Teachers Stranded

    Despite the fanfare, many teachers argue that the rules remain vague. The lack of enforceable standards leads to inconsistency, confusion, and reluctance to act. Without strong leadership and explicit boundaries, teachers are left navigating chaos alone.

    Education must be guided by a coherent philosophy, not merely buzzwords. As Aristotle once said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” Teachers need habits of clarity, not ambiguity.


    42- Last Resort Repeated But Rarely Defined

    Gilruth’s refrain that exclusion is a “last resort” is reiterated often — but what qualifies as a last resort is left open to interpretation. This ambiguity may result in inconsistent practice across schools, eroding trust in policy.

    Definitions must be precise. A last resort should follow a defined sequence of interventions, documented decisions, and accountability mechanisms. Otherwise, the phrase risks becoming a rhetorical placeholder.


    43- Dismissal of Behavioural Advice as “Waffle”

    Teachers frustrated by ambiguous advice—such as using eye contact, hand signals, or merit stickers—often dismiss such suggestions as impractical in volatile classrooms. These tools may work in low-disruption environments but appear disconnected from high-stakes reality.

    To rebuild confidence, behavioural advice must be grounded in frontline experience, not bureaucratic theory. The profession needs tools that work under pressure, not idealistic checklists.


    44- Holyrood Buzzwords Undermine Credibility

    Terms like “multi-agency collaboration,” “positivity,” and “inclusion” dominate the guidance but are often seen as vague platitudes rather than practical tools. Teachers are seeking structure, not semantics.

    Clarity, not complexity, should be the hallmark of policy. As George Orwell warned in Politics and the English Language, euphemism can obscure reality. Behavioural guidance should speak plainly and directly to the needs of those who must enact it.


    45- Stress Forcing Teachers into Career Changes

    The toll of behavioural stress is so high that some teachers are leaving the profession for completely unrelated fields. One notable case involved a teacher becoming a lorry driver — valuing predictability and peace over pedagogy.

    This anecdote reflects a deeper crisis in professional identity. Teaching, once seen as a calling, is becoming a risk. Reversing this trend requires restoring respect, reducing workload, and re-establishing schools as places where teachers can thrive.


    46- False Allegations Destroying Careers

    False accusations, including highly damaging ones like being labelled a paedophile, have devastated teachers’ lives and careers. These rare but catastrophic cases highlight the need for robust safeguarding that protects staff as well as students.

    Schools must ensure allegations are handled with due process, confidentiality, and legal rigour. As Lord Justice Woolf once wrote, “Justice delayed is justice denied.” Staff deserve both protection and recourse when their reputations are at stake.


    Conclusion

    The question of whether new school rules will reduce violence in UK classrooms is as complex as it is urgent. Discipline is not a silver bullet, nor is compassion a panacea. Real change requires a coherent philosophy, sufficient funding, expert training, and above all, unity of purpose among educators, families, and policymakers.

    Violence in schools is both a symptom and a cause of deeper dysfunctions. To fix it, we must address the roots—trauma, disengagement, and systemic neglect—with honesty and resolve. Only then can our classrooms become not just places of safety, but of transformation, where both learning and peace are possible.

    Addressing classroom violence in the UK requires more than a change in rules — it calls for a reimagining of the educational landscape. Discipline must be rooted in understanding, leadership must be anchored in moral purpose, and every policy must consider the human stories behind the statistics. The new rules may offer a framework, but it is the collective action of teachers, students, families, and policymakers that will determine whether schools become places of peace or battlegrounds of frustration.

    The success of this reform effort depends not on enforcement alone, but on empathy, engagement, and a deep commitment to the transformative power of education. As we seek to stem the tide of violence, we must remember that discipline without compassion is control, not education — and that the classroom must remain a sanctuary for growth, not a theatre of conflict.

    Bibliography

    1. Rogers, Bill. Classroom Behaviour: A Practical Guide to Effective Teaching, Behaviour Management and Colleague Support. SAGE Publications, 2015.

    2. Jennings, Patricia A. The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom: Building Resilience with Compassionate Teaching. W. W. Norton & Company, 2018.

    3. Brighouse, Tim. Education and the Urban Child. Institute of Education Press, 2003.

    4. Pierson, Rita. Every Kid Needs a Champion. TED Talk, 2013. [Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/rita_pierson_every_kid_needs_a_champion]

    5. Parsons, Carl. Excluding Primary School Children: What Are the Costs? National Children’s Bureau, 2009.

    6. Orwell, George. Politics and the English Language. Horizon, 1946.

    7. Department for Education (DfE). Behaviour and Discipline in Schools: Advice for Headteachers and School Staff. UK Government, 2022.

    8. Education Policy Institute. Vulnerable Pupils and the Impact of School Closures. EPI, 2021.

    9. YoungMinds. Wise Up: Prioritising Wellbeing in Schools. YoungMinds Report, 2017.

    10. Ofsted. Managing Behaviour in Schools: Evidence Review. UK Government, 2022.

    11. Gill, Kiran, et al. Making the Difference: Breaking the Link Between School Exclusion and Social Exclusion. IPPR, 2017.

    12. Woolf, Lord Justice Harry. Access to Justice: Final Report. UK Judiciary, 1996.

    13. Cooper, Paul, and Jacobs, Barbara. From Inclusion to Engagement: Helping Students Engage with Schooling through Policy and Practice. Wiley-Blackwell, 2011.

    14. Tom Bennett. Creating a Culture: A Review of Behaviour in Schools. Department for Education, 2017.

    15. Gilruth, Jenny. Parliamentary statements and interviews on Scottish education policy, 2023–2025. [Available via Scottish Parliament website]

    16. House of Commons Education Committee. Forgotten Children: Alternative Provision and the Scandal of Ever-Increasing Exclusions. UK Parliament, 2018.

    17. Haydn, Terry. Managing Pupil Behaviour: Key Issues in Teaching and Learning. Routledge, 2013.

    18. UNESCO. Behind the Numbers: Ending School Violence and Bullying. UNESCO Report, 2019.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • 12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    Imagine growing up in an environment where your emotional needs were overlooked—where love was conditional, validation was scarce, and your feelings were dismissed. While you may not consciously recall the impact of childhood emotional neglect, it often leaves subtle imprints on your behavior in adulthood. These habits may seem harmless or even quirky, but they often serve as coping mechanisms for unmet emotional needs.

    The human psyche is wired for connection, and when those early bonds are weak or absent, people instinctively develop ways to fill the void. Whether it’s through an excessive attachment to objects, a compulsive need for approval, or an aversion to receiving affection, these behaviors reveal a deep-seated yearning for emotional security. Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, explains that “when a child’s emotional needs are ignored, they don’t disappear—they go underground, surfacing in unexpected ways later in life.”

    Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward healing. By recognizing them for what they truly are—responses to childhood emotional neglect—you can begin to address the underlying wounds and create healthier emotional patterns. Here are 12 behaviors that may indicate unresolved emotional neglect from your past, starting with three common yet often misunderstood habits.

    1 – Obsessive Plant Collecting

    A home filled with houseplants may seem like a simple passion for greenery, but for some, it represents much more. If you find yourself obsessively collecting plants, ensuring their survival with meticulous care, this could be an unconscious attempt to create the nurturing environment you never had as a child. Plants thrive on consistent attention—watering, pruning, repotting—offering a sense of control and responsibility that childhood emotional neglect may have deprived you of. In this way, your plant collection becomes an emotional anchor, a quiet way of giving and receiving care.

    While cultivating plants is a fulfilling and healthy hobby, it’s important to examine whether your attachment to them is compensating for deeper emotional needs. Studies in psychology suggest that individuals who lack secure attachments in childhood often form intense bonds with non-human entities, seeking stability in their surroundings. Instead of letting plants become a replacement for human connection, consider expanding your circle of emotional support—whether through friendships, therapy, or community involvement. True emotional fulfillment comes from balance, where care is both given and received.

    2 – Overly Apologetic Behavior

    Do you instinctively say “sorry” for things that don’t require an apology? This habit, while often dismissed as politeness, may actually be rooted in feelings of unworthiness. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated or where mistakes were met with harsh criticism, you may have learned that apologizing was a way to maintain peace and avoid rejection. Over time, this conditioned response turns into a reflex, making you apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

    Breaking free from excessive apologizing begins with recognizing your inherent worth. Assertiveness training can be beneficial, as it helps you reframe your communication style without guilt. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, emphasizes that “apologizing excessively can undermine your confidence and diminish the power of your voice.” Instead of defaulting to apologies, try replacing them with expressions of gratitude or acknowledgment. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for being late,” say, “Thank you for waiting.” These small shifts can help reshape your mindset, reinforcing the idea that you deserve to take up space without constant self-doubt.

    3 – Collection of Unopened Gifts

    If you tend to leave gifts unopened, you might be unconsciously rejecting love and appreciation. This behavior can be traced back to early experiences where affection was inconsistent or came with strings attached. If love was unpredictable in childhood—sometimes given, sometimes withheld—you may struggle to accept genuine kindness in adulthood. Unopened gifts serve as a metaphor for unclaimed affection; by leaving them untouched, you preserve their symbolic meaning while avoiding the vulnerability of receiving love.

    Opening a gift may seem like a small act, but it’s a powerful step toward embracing self-worth. Allowing yourself to fully receive and appreciate kindness fosters emotional healing. Psychologists suggest that practicing gratitude and self-compassion can help dismantle the barriers built by childhood neglect. A simple exercise, such as journaling about what a gift means to you, can help reframe your perspective and make receiving feel less overwhelming. In time, you can learn to embrace love—both in tangible and emotional forms—without hesitation.

    Conclusion

    While these behaviors may appear harmless, they often point to deeper emotional wounds left unaddressed. Whether it’s nurturing plants excessively, over-apologizing, or avoiding the acceptance of gifts, each habit reflects an unmet childhood need. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. By understanding the origins of these behaviors, you can begin to shift your perspective and cultivate healthier emotional habits.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires self-awareness, patience, and intentional growth. Exploring resources like Running on Empty by Jonice Webb or The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori can provide deeper insights into how past neglect shapes adult behavior. More importantly, fostering meaningful connections, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional support can help you move beyond these subtle yet powerful influences of your past.

    4 – Excessive Online Shopping

    Online shopping provides instant gratification, but for some, it’s more than just a pastime—it’s a coping mechanism. If filling your cart gives you a sense of comfort or control, this behavior may stem from emotional deprivation in childhood. Every new purchase can act as a fleeting substitute for love, offering a temporary dopamine rush that masks underlying emotional emptiness. Dr. April Lane Benson, author of To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, explains that compulsive shopping often fills an emotional void, with purchases standing in for the security and validation that were absent during formative years.

    While retail therapy may provide short-term relief, it can also lead to financial stress and clutter, creating a cycle of guilt and dependency. To break free from this pattern, start by identifying the emotional triggers that drive your shopping habits. Are you seeking comfort after a stressful day? Trying to fill loneliness? Shifting your focus toward meaningful experiences—such as connecting with loved ones or engaging in fulfilling hobbies—can reduce the need for material substitutes. Practicing mindful spending and setting financial boundaries can help you redirect emotional energy toward healthier, long-lasting sources of joy.

    5 – Talking to Inanimate Objects

    If you frequently find yourself talking to your stuffed animals, favorite mug, or even your car, it might be more than just a quirky habit. While this behavior can be a form of creative self-expression, it often originates from a deeper need for emotional connection. Childhood emotional neglect can leave individuals yearning for companionship, and in the absence of consistent, nurturing interactions, people may develop alternative ways to express themselves. Talking to inanimate objects provides comfort and predictability—unlike human relationships, objects don’t judge, abandon, or disappoint.

    Though there’s nothing inherently wrong with this habit, it’s essential to ensure it doesn’t replace meaningful social connections. Psychologists suggest that people who engage in extensive one-sided communication with objects might be compensating for a lack of secure attachments. To balance this, consider gradually increasing your social interactions—whether through joining clubs, attending community events, or reconnecting with old friends. As author and therapist Brené Brown puts it, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Strengthening real-world relationships can fulfill the emotional needs that inanimate objects simply cannot.

    6 – Obsessive List-Making

    If you feel compelled to write lists for everything—tasks, goals, grocery items, future plans—it could be more than just a preference for organization. For individuals who experienced neglect or unpredictability in childhood, lists provide a sense of order and control. When emotional needs were unmet or when life felt chaotic, creating structure through lists became a way to manage anxiety and regain a feeling of stability. Each completed task offers a sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the illusion of control over one’s environment.

    While list-making can be a helpful tool, excessive reliance on it may indicate an underlying fear of uncertainty. If your lists dictate your every move, you might be missing out on spontaneous joys and experiences. Try challenging yourself to let go of rigid planning in small ways—leave a day unstructured, embrace a last-minute invitation, or allow yourself to complete tasks intuitively rather than systematically. Psychologist Susan David, in Emotional Agility, emphasizes the importance of flexibility, stating that “rigidity in emotions or behaviors limits our ability to grow.” Learning to trust yourself without the constant need for lists can open the door to greater emotional resilience and personal freedom.

    Conclusion

    The behaviors we develop as adults often hold clues to our past experiences, particularly those rooted in childhood emotional neglect. Whether it’s excessive online shopping, talking to inanimate objects, or an obsession with making lists, each habit serves as a subconscious attempt to regain control, security, or emotional fulfillment. Recognizing these patterns is not about self-judgment but about self-awareness—understanding the emotional wounds behind these behaviors can help pave the way for healing.

    To truly address the effects of childhood neglect, it’s important to cultivate deeper emotional connections, practice self-compassion, and seek alternative ways to fulfill emotional needs. Books such as Running on Empty by Jonice Webb and Emotional Agility by Susan David provide valuable insights into reshaping these behavioral patterns. By consciously working toward emotional balance, you can move beyond coping mechanisms and create a life built on genuine connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.

    7 – Constant Phone Checking

    If you find yourself constantly reaching for your phone, checking notifications, or scrolling mindlessly, it may be more than just a habit—it could be a subconscious way of seeking the validation and connection you lacked in childhood. Every notification, like, or message can serve as a stand-in for the attention and reassurance that were absent during your formative years. Dr. Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation, highlights that “our devices are psychologically powerful because they don’t just change what we do—they change who we are.” For those who experienced emotional neglect, smartphones can become a way to feel seen, even if the connections they provide are superficial.

    While digital communication is an essential part of modern life, excessive phone use can prevent meaningful in-person relationships. Instead of letting your phone dictate your sense of connection, try setting boundaries—schedule phone-free time during meals, social gatherings, or before bed. Engage in activities that encourage presence, such as mindfulness exercises or face-to-face conversations. True connection comes not from a screen but from engaging fully with the world and the people around you. By reducing digital dependency, you can foster deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

    8 – Avoiding Mirrors

    If you actively avoid looking at your reflection, it may indicate deeper issues with self-worth and self-perception. For those who experienced emotional neglect as children, a lack of affirmation and positive reinforcement can lead to discomfort with self-image. Without caregivers who reflected back love and validation, it’s common to develop an unconscious aversion to one’s own presence—both physically and emotionally. Avoiding mirrors can be a way to sidestep self-confrontation, as seeing yourself forces you to acknowledge insecurities you may prefer to ignore.

    Healing from this habit requires a gentle, compassionate approach toward self-acceptance. Start with small steps, such as using daily affirmations while looking into the mirror. Practice self-care routines that nurture not only your physical appearance but also your emotional well-being. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, emphasizes in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself that “our worth is not contingent on external validation but on the ability to treat ourselves with kindness.” Embracing your reflection means embracing the whole of who you are—flaws, strengths, and all. Over time, the mirror can become a place of self-recognition rather than avoidance.

    9 – Over-Organizing Bookshelves

    A meticulously arranged bookshelf may seem like a simple sign of neatness, but for some, it represents an underlying need for control. If your bookshelves must always be perfectly categorized—by genre, color, or author—it might be a way to impose order on an otherwise unpredictable world. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals craving structure; without a stable emotional environment, external organization becomes a way to create a sense of stability. Arranging books just right offers a tangible form of control, something that may have been lacking in early life.

    While organization is a valuable skill, it’s important to balance it with spontaneity and enjoyment. Try breaking free from rigid categorization—perhaps mix up your books, allow space for new discoveries, or even embrace an intentionally imperfect arrangement. Books are meant to be experienced, not just displayed. According to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, organization should bring joy rather than act as a means of control. Instead of seeking perfection, allow your bookshelf—and by extension, your life—to reflect curiosity, growth, and flexibility.

    Conclusion

    The habits we develop often serve as silent echoes of our childhood experiences. Constant phone checking, avoiding mirrors, or obsessively organizing bookshelves may seem like harmless behaviors, but they often point to deeper emotional needs that were overlooked in our formative years. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing, allowing us to move from unconscious coping to conscious self-awareness.

    To break free from these cycles, it’s essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Whether it’s reducing reliance on digital interactions, embracing self-acceptance, or allowing for a bit more spontaneity in daily life, small but intentional changes can lead to greater emotional freedom. Books such as Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff offer valuable insights into these patterns and how to overcome them. Ultimately, healing from childhood emotional neglect means learning to engage with the world—and ourselves—with confidence, authenticity, and a deep sense of self-love.

    10 – Nighttime Snack Rituals

    If you often find yourself reaching for snacks late at night, even when you’re not physically hungry, this habit may be linked to unmet emotional needs rather than mere cravings. For many, food provides comfort and security—especially in moments of solitude. Childhood emotional neglect can lead to using food as a coping mechanism, filling the void left by a lack of nurturing care. According to psychologist Susan Albers, author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, emotional eating often arises from the desire to recreate feelings of warmth, safety, or companionship.

    Breaking free from this pattern requires distinguishing between emotional hunger and physical hunger. Instead of automatically reaching for a snack, try engaging in alternative self-soothing activities, such as journaling, meditation, or a relaxing bedtime routine. Developing healthier nighttime habits—like sipping herbal tea, reading a book, or practicing deep breathing—can help address emotional cravings in a more fulfilling way. True nourishment comes not just from food but from cultivating self-care practices that foster emotional well-being.

    11 – Excessive Souvenir Collection

    Do you feel an irresistible urge to buy souvenirs every time you travel, accumulating trinkets that often gather dust? While collecting mementos can be a delightful way to preserve memories, an excessive attachment to souvenirs may signal a deeper emotional need. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals longing for tangible reminders of happiness, security, and connection. By holding onto physical objects, you may be attempting to compensate for past experiences that lacked emotional richness.

    Rather than letting souvenirs serve as substitutes for meaningful emotional experiences, consider focusing on the moments themselves. Reflect on the memories behind each item and ask yourself if the object truly adds value to your life. As Marie Kondo suggests in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, only keep things that “spark joy” and serve a meaningful purpose. Shifting your perspective from accumulating objects to cherishing experiences can help you build stronger emotional connections and find fulfillment in the present, rather than in material keepsakes.

    12 – Binge-Watching Children’s Shows

    If you find yourself gravitating toward children’s shows long after childhood, it may be more than just nostalgia—it could be a subconscious attempt to reclaim a sense of comfort, innocence, and stability that was missing in your early years. Animated shows offer predictable storylines, warm relationships, and simple resolutions, providing a safe emotional escape from the complexities of adult life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Fayard, nostalgia can be a powerful coping mechanism, helping individuals feel connected to a more secure and joyful version of themselves.

    While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying childhood favorites, it’s important to ensure that this habit doesn’t serve as an emotional retreat from real-life challenges. Try balancing your media consumption with diverse content that encourages personal growth and emotional resilience. Engaging in creative hobbies, social interactions, or even therapy can help address underlying emotional needs while still allowing you to embrace the joy of nostalgia. As Brené Brown states in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” Finding a balance between comfort and growth can lead to deeper emotional fulfillment.

    Conclusion

    Our habits often serve as windows into our past, revealing hidden emotional wounds that continue to shape our present behaviors. Whether it’s nighttime snacking, excessive souvenir collecting, or binge-watching childhood shows, these actions often stem from a longing for comfort, security, and emotional fulfillment that was absent in childhood. Recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms is the first step toward breaking free from their hold.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires conscious effort—finding healthier ways to address emotional needs, building deeper relationships, and embracing personal growth. Books such as 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown offer valuable insights into self-compassion and emotional healing. By understanding the deeper motivations behind these subtle habits, you can begin to replace temporary comforts with lasting emotional well-being, creating a life that is not just about coping but about thriving.

    Bibliography

    1. Albers, Susan. 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food: Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating. New Harbinger Publications, 2009.
    2. Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
    3. Kondo, Marie. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Ten Speed Press, 2014.
    4. Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins, 2011.
    5. Turkle, Sherry. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Books, 2015.
    6. Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking, 2014.
    7. Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Press, 2013.
    8. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Health Communications, 1987.
    9. Winnicott, Donald W. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Karnac Books, 1965.
    10. Yehuda, Rachel. Understanding Trauma: Integrating Biological, Clinical, and Cultural Perspectives. Cambridge University Press, 2002.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • 12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    Imagine growing up in an environment where your emotional needs were overlooked—where love was conditional, validation was scarce, and your feelings were dismissed. While you may not consciously recall the impact of childhood emotional neglect, it often leaves subtle imprints on your behavior in adulthood. These habits may seem harmless or even quirky, but they often serve as coping mechanisms for unmet emotional needs.

    The human psyche is wired for connection, and when those early bonds are weak or absent, people instinctively develop ways to fill the void. Whether it’s through an excessive attachment to objects, a compulsive need for approval, or an aversion to receiving affection, these behaviors reveal a deep-seated yearning for emotional security. Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, explains that “when a child’s emotional needs are ignored, they don’t disappear—they go underground, surfacing in unexpected ways later in life.”

    Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward healing. By recognizing them for what they truly are—responses to childhood emotional neglect—you can begin to address the underlying wounds and create healthier emotional patterns. Here are 12 behaviors that may indicate unresolved emotional neglect from your past, starting with three common yet often misunderstood habits.

    1 – Obsessive Plant Collecting

    A home filled with houseplants may seem like a simple passion for greenery, but for some, it represents much more. If you find yourself obsessively collecting plants, ensuring their survival with meticulous care, this could be an unconscious attempt to create the nurturing environment you never had as a child. Plants thrive on consistent attention—watering, pruning, repotting—offering a sense of control and responsibility that childhood emotional neglect may have deprived you of. In this way, your plant collection becomes an emotional anchor, a quiet way of giving and receiving care.

    While cultivating plants is a fulfilling and healthy hobby, it’s important to examine whether your attachment to them is compensating for deeper emotional needs. Studies in psychology suggest that individuals who lack secure attachments in childhood often form intense bonds with non-human entities, seeking stability in their surroundings. Instead of letting plants become a replacement for human connection, consider expanding your circle of emotional support—whether through friendships, therapy, or community involvement. True emotional fulfillment comes from balance, where care is both given and received.

    2 – Overly Apologetic Behavior

    Do you instinctively say “sorry” for things that don’t require an apology? This habit, while often dismissed as politeness, may actually be rooted in feelings of unworthiness. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated or where mistakes were met with harsh criticism, you may have learned that apologizing was a way to maintain peace and avoid rejection. Over time, this conditioned response turns into a reflex, making you apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

    Breaking free from excessive apologizing begins with recognizing your inherent worth. Assertiveness training can be beneficial, as it helps you reframe your communication style without guilt. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, emphasizes that “apologizing excessively can undermine your confidence and diminish the power of your voice.” Instead of defaulting to apologies, try replacing them with expressions of gratitude or acknowledgment. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for being late,” say, “Thank you for waiting.” These small shifts can help reshape your mindset, reinforcing the idea that you deserve to take up space without constant self-doubt.

    3 – Collection of Unopened Gifts

    If you tend to leave gifts unopened, you might be unconsciously rejecting love and appreciation. This behavior can be traced back to early experiences where affection was inconsistent or came with strings attached. If love was unpredictable in childhood—sometimes given, sometimes withheld—you may struggle to accept genuine kindness in adulthood. Unopened gifts serve as a metaphor for unclaimed affection; by leaving them untouched, you preserve their symbolic meaning while avoiding the vulnerability of receiving love.

    Opening a gift may seem like a small act, but it’s a powerful step toward embracing self-worth. Allowing yourself to fully receive and appreciate kindness fosters emotional healing. Psychologists suggest that practicing gratitude and self-compassion can help dismantle the barriers built by childhood neglect. A simple exercise, such as journaling about what a gift means to you, can help reframe your perspective and make receiving feel less overwhelming. In time, you can learn to embrace love—both in tangible and emotional forms—without hesitation.

    Conclusion

    While these behaviors may appear harmless, they often point to deeper emotional wounds left unaddressed. Whether it’s nurturing plants excessively, over-apologizing, or avoiding the acceptance of gifts, each habit reflects an unmet childhood need. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. By understanding the origins of these behaviors, you can begin to shift your perspective and cultivate healthier emotional habits.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires self-awareness, patience, and intentional growth. Exploring resources like Running on Empty by Jonice Webb or The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori can provide deeper insights into how past neglect shapes adult behavior. More importantly, fostering meaningful connections, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional support can help you move beyond these subtle yet powerful influences of your past.

    4 – Excessive Online Shopping

    Online shopping provides instant gratification, but for some, it’s more than just a pastime—it’s a coping mechanism. If filling your cart gives you a sense of comfort or control, this behavior may stem from emotional deprivation in childhood. Every new purchase can act as a fleeting substitute for love, offering a temporary dopamine rush that masks underlying emotional emptiness. Dr. April Lane Benson, author of To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, explains that compulsive shopping often fills an emotional void, with purchases standing in for the security and validation that were absent during formative years.

    While retail therapy may provide short-term relief, it can also lead to financial stress and clutter, creating a cycle of guilt and dependency. To break free from this pattern, start by identifying the emotional triggers that drive your shopping habits. Are you seeking comfort after a stressful day? Trying to fill loneliness? Shifting your focus toward meaningful experiences—such as connecting with loved ones or engaging in fulfilling hobbies—can reduce the need for material substitutes. Practicing mindful spending and setting financial boundaries can help you redirect emotional energy toward healthier, long-lasting sources of joy.

    5 – Talking to Inanimate Objects

    If you frequently find yourself talking to your stuffed animals, favorite mug, or even your car, it might be more than just a quirky habit. While this behavior can be a form of creative self-expression, it often originates from a deeper need for emotional connection. Childhood emotional neglect can leave individuals yearning for companionship, and in the absence of consistent, nurturing interactions, people may develop alternative ways to express themselves. Talking to inanimate objects provides comfort and predictability—unlike human relationships, objects don’t judge, abandon, or disappoint.

    Though there’s nothing inherently wrong with this habit, it’s essential to ensure it doesn’t replace meaningful social connections. Psychologists suggest that people who engage in extensive one-sided communication with objects might be compensating for a lack of secure attachments. To balance this, consider gradually increasing your social interactions—whether through joining clubs, attending community events, or reconnecting with old friends. As author and therapist Brené Brown puts it, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Strengthening real-world relationships can fulfill the emotional needs that inanimate objects simply cannot.

    6 – Obsessive List-Making

    If you feel compelled to write lists for everything—tasks, goals, grocery items, future plans—it could be more than just a preference for organization. For individuals who experienced neglect or unpredictability in childhood, lists provide a sense of order and control. When emotional needs were unmet or when life felt chaotic, creating structure through lists became a way to manage anxiety and regain a feeling of stability. Each completed task offers a sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the illusion of control over one’s environment.

    While list-making can be a helpful tool, excessive reliance on it may indicate an underlying fear of uncertainty. If your lists dictate your every move, you might be missing out on spontaneous joys and experiences. Try challenging yourself to let go of rigid planning in small ways—leave a day unstructured, embrace a last-minute invitation, or allow yourself to complete tasks intuitively rather than systematically. Psychologist Susan David, in Emotional Agility, emphasizes the importance of flexibility, stating that “rigidity in emotions or behaviors limits our ability to grow.” Learning to trust yourself without the constant need for lists can open the door to greater emotional resilience and personal freedom.

    Conclusion

    The behaviors we develop as adults often hold clues to our past experiences, particularly those rooted in childhood emotional neglect. Whether it’s excessive online shopping, talking to inanimate objects, or an obsession with making lists, each habit serves as a subconscious attempt to regain control, security, or emotional fulfillment. Recognizing these patterns is not about self-judgment but about self-awareness—understanding the emotional wounds behind these behaviors can help pave the way for healing.

    To truly address the effects of childhood neglect, it’s important to cultivate deeper emotional connections, practice self-compassion, and seek alternative ways to fulfill emotional needs. Books such as Running on Empty by Jonice Webb and Emotional Agility by Susan David provide valuable insights into reshaping these behavioral patterns. By consciously working toward emotional balance, you can move beyond coping mechanisms and create a life built on genuine connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.

    7 – Constant Phone Checking

    If you find yourself constantly reaching for your phone, checking notifications, or scrolling mindlessly, it may be more than just a habit—it could be a subconscious way of seeking the validation and connection you lacked in childhood. Every notification, like, or message can serve as a stand-in for the attention and reassurance that were absent during your formative years. Dr. Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation, highlights that “our devices are psychologically powerful because they don’t just change what we do—they change who we are.” For those who experienced emotional neglect, smartphones can become a way to feel seen, even if the connections they provide are superficial.

    While digital communication is an essential part of modern life, excessive phone use can prevent meaningful in-person relationships. Instead of letting your phone dictate your sense of connection, try setting boundaries—schedule phone-free time during meals, social gatherings, or before bed. Engage in activities that encourage presence, such as mindfulness exercises or face-to-face conversations. True connection comes not from a screen but from engaging fully with the world and the people around you. By reducing digital dependency, you can foster deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

    8 – Avoiding Mirrors

    If you actively avoid looking at your reflection, it may indicate deeper issues with self-worth and self-perception. For those who experienced emotional neglect as children, a lack of affirmation and positive reinforcement can lead to discomfort with self-image. Without caregivers who reflected back love and validation, it’s common to develop an unconscious aversion to one’s own presence—both physically and emotionally. Avoiding mirrors can be a way to sidestep self-confrontation, as seeing yourself forces you to acknowledge insecurities you may prefer to ignore.

    Healing from this habit requires a gentle, compassionate approach toward self-acceptance. Start with small steps, such as using daily affirmations while looking into the mirror. Practice self-care routines that nurture not only your physical appearance but also your emotional well-being. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, emphasizes in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself that “our worth is not contingent on external validation but on the ability to treat ourselves with kindness.” Embracing your reflection means embracing the whole of who you are—flaws, strengths, and all. Over time, the mirror can become a place of self-recognition rather than avoidance.

    9 – Over-Organizing Bookshelves

    A meticulously arranged bookshelf may seem like a simple sign of neatness, but for some, it represents an underlying need for control. If your bookshelves must always be perfectly categorized—by genre, color, or author—it might be a way to impose order on an otherwise unpredictable world. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals craving structure; without a stable emotional environment, external organization becomes a way to create a sense of stability. Arranging books just right offers a tangible form of control, something that may have been lacking in early life.

    While organization is a valuable skill, it’s important to balance it with spontaneity and enjoyment. Try breaking free from rigid categorization—perhaps mix up your books, allow space for new discoveries, or even embrace an intentionally imperfect arrangement. Books are meant to be experienced, not just displayed. According to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, organization should bring joy rather than act as a means of control. Instead of seeking perfection, allow your bookshelf—and by extension, your life—to reflect curiosity, growth, and flexibility.

    Conclusion

    The habits we develop often serve as silent echoes of our childhood experiences. Constant phone checking, avoiding mirrors, or obsessively organizing bookshelves may seem like harmless behaviors, but they often point to deeper emotional needs that were overlooked in our formative years. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing, allowing us to move from unconscious coping to conscious self-awareness.

    To break free from these cycles, it’s essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Whether it’s reducing reliance on digital interactions, embracing self-acceptance, or allowing for a bit more spontaneity in daily life, small but intentional changes can lead to greater emotional freedom. Books such as Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff offer valuable insights into these patterns and how to overcome them. Ultimately, healing from childhood emotional neglect means learning to engage with the world—and ourselves—with confidence, authenticity, and a deep sense of self-love.

    10 – Nighttime Snack Rituals

    If you often find yourself reaching for snacks late at night, even when you’re not physically hungry, this habit may be linked to unmet emotional needs rather than mere cravings. For many, food provides comfort and security—especially in moments of solitude. Childhood emotional neglect can lead to using food as a coping mechanism, filling the void left by a lack of nurturing care. According to psychologist Susan Albers, author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, emotional eating often arises from the desire to recreate feelings of warmth, safety, or companionship.

    Breaking free from this pattern requires distinguishing between emotional hunger and physical hunger. Instead of automatically reaching for a snack, try engaging in alternative self-soothing activities, such as journaling, meditation, or a relaxing bedtime routine. Developing healthier nighttime habits—like sipping herbal tea, reading a book, or practicing deep breathing—can help address emotional cravings in a more fulfilling way. True nourishment comes not just from food but from cultivating self-care practices that foster emotional well-being.

    11 – Excessive Souvenir Collection

    Do you feel an irresistible urge to buy souvenirs every time you travel, accumulating trinkets that often gather dust? While collecting mementos can be a delightful way to preserve memories, an excessive attachment to souvenirs may signal a deeper emotional need. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals longing for tangible reminders of happiness, security, and connection. By holding onto physical objects, you may be attempting to compensate for past experiences that lacked emotional richness.

    Rather than letting souvenirs serve as substitutes for meaningful emotional experiences, consider focusing on the moments themselves. Reflect on the memories behind each item and ask yourself if the object truly adds value to your life. As Marie Kondo suggests in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, only keep things that “spark joy” and serve a meaningful purpose. Shifting your perspective from accumulating objects to cherishing experiences can help you build stronger emotional connections and find fulfillment in the present, rather than in material keepsakes.

    12 – Binge-Watching Children’s Shows

    If you find yourself gravitating toward children’s shows long after childhood, it may be more than just nostalgia—it could be a subconscious attempt to reclaim a sense of comfort, innocence, and stability that was missing in your early years. Animated shows offer predictable storylines, warm relationships, and simple resolutions, providing a safe emotional escape from the complexities of adult life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Fayard, nostalgia can be a powerful coping mechanism, helping individuals feel connected to a more secure and joyful version of themselves.

    While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying childhood favorites, it’s important to ensure that this habit doesn’t serve as an emotional retreat from real-life challenges. Try balancing your media consumption with diverse content that encourages personal growth and emotional resilience. Engaging in creative hobbies, social interactions, or even therapy can help address underlying emotional needs while still allowing you to embrace the joy of nostalgia. As Brené Brown states in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” Finding a balance between comfort and growth can lead to deeper emotional fulfillment.

    Conclusion

    Our habits often serve as windows into our past, revealing hidden emotional wounds that continue to shape our present behaviors. Whether it’s nighttime snacking, excessive souvenir collecting, or binge-watching childhood shows, these actions often stem from a longing for comfort, security, and emotional fulfillment that was absent in childhood. Recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms is the first step toward breaking free from their hold.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires conscious effort—finding healthier ways to address emotional needs, building deeper relationships, and embracing personal growth. Books such as 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown offer valuable insights into self-compassion and emotional healing. By understanding the deeper motivations behind these subtle habits, you can begin to replace temporary comforts with lasting emotional well-being, creating a life that is not just about coping but about thriving.

    Bibliography

    1. Albers, Susan. 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food: Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating. New Harbinger Publications, 2009.
    2. Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
    3. Kondo, Marie. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Ten Speed Press, 2014.
    4. Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins, 2011.
    5. Turkle, Sherry. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Books, 2015.
    6. Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking, 2014.
    7. Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Press, 2013.
    8. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Health Communications, 1987.
    9. Winnicott, Donald W. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Karnac Books, 1965.
    10. Yehuda, Rachel. Understanding Trauma: Integrating Biological, Clinical, and Cultural Perspectives. Cambridge University Press, 2002.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • Limiting Beliefs You Picked Up From Having an Unhappy Childhood

    Limiting Beliefs You Picked Up From Having an Unhappy Childhood

    We rarely stop to consider how deeply our childhood shapes the architecture of our adult minds. Like invisible strings, early experiences can control our self-worth, our ambitions, and even the way we love. Those who grew up in unhappy or dysfunctional households often carry hidden beliefs that quietly sabotage their potential and relationships.

    Imagine trying to climb a mountain while unknowingly carrying a heavy backpack full of rocks — each rock representing a limiting belief planted in your earliest years. Many of us wonder why we feel stuck despite our efforts to grow and succeed. The answer often lies buried in the silent agreements we made with ourselves to survive a painful childhood.

    In this article, we’ll unearth some of the most common limiting beliefs you might have internalized as a child. Drawing on psychological research, insights from leading scholars, and seminal books like The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, we’ll explore how to recognize and challenge these deeply rooted scripts.

    01
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    1- I Am Not Good Enough

    Growing up in a critical or neglectful environment often plants the corrosive idea that no matter what you do, you will never be enough. Children internalize parental disapproval and turn it into a lifelong verdict against themselves. This belief acts as a silent saboteur, undermining achievements and fueling perfectionism or chronic self-doubt.

    Psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasized the need for unconditional positive regard in childhood to build healthy self-esteem. Without it, individuals develop a fragile self-concept, constantly seeking external validation. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown is an essential read for anyone struggling with this belief, offering practical strategies to cultivate self-compassion and worthiness.


    2- I Must Earn Love

    If love in your childhood was conditional—based on achievements, compliance, or caretaking—you may grow into an adult convinced that love must always be earned. This belief traps people in cycles of overgiving and people-pleasing, often attracting relationships where they feel perpetually inadequate.

    Dr. Gabor Maté, in When the Body Says No, explores how such patterns even lead to physical illness. Unlearning this belief involves recognizing that love is a birthright, not a prize to be won. Self-love practices and therapy can help rewrite this narrative, opening the door to authentic, mutual relationships.


    3- My Feelings Are Wrong

    Children in invalidating environments learn to distrust their emotions, often hearing that they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” This belief forces adults to suppress emotions, leading to emotional numbness or explosive outbursts later in life.

    Harvard psychologist Dr. Susan David, in her book Emotional Agility, underscores the importance of embracing rather than avoiding our feelings. Learning to validate your inner experience is crucial for building resilience and emotional intelligence.


    4- I Am Responsible for Others’ Happiness

    When a child is forced into the role of a peacemaker or caretaker, they may grow up believing they must fix everyone else’s emotions. This pattern fosters co-dependency and a chronic sense of guilt when others are unhappy.

    As boundaries expert Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab writes in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, releasing this belief is essential to reclaim your own life. Learning to separate your emotional responsibilities from others’ can be deeply liberating.


    5- I Must Stay Invisible to Be Safe

    Children who were punished or neglected for expressing themselves often learn to stay small and silent to avoid conflict. This self-erasure can continue into adulthood, resulting in missed opportunities and chronic underachievement.

    Psychotherapist Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, encourages reclaiming your voice and stepping into visibility as a path to healing. She asserts, “Creativity is the path to the true self,” and this journey requires shedding the invisibility cloak you wore to survive.


    6- Success Will Make Me a Target

    If childhood success brought jealousy or punishment from caregivers or siblings, you may now sabotage your progress to avoid attention. The subconscious fear is that standing out invites harm rather than celebration.

    In Playing Big, Tara Mohr explores this dynamic among talented women who hold themselves back to avoid perceived threats. Learning to embrace visibility as a form of empowerment rather than danger is key to breaking this cycle.


    7- Conflict Is Dangerous

    In homes where conflict meant violence or emotional chaos, adults may now avoid confrontation at all costs. They equate disagreement with threat, leading to passive-aggressive behaviors or emotional withdrawal.

    Psychologist Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, argues that healthy conflict is essential for intimacy and growth. Reframing conflict as an opportunity rather than a battlefield can dramatically improve relationships and self-confidence.


    8- I Don’t Deserve Happiness

    Abused or neglected children often internalize a sense of unworthiness. They come to believe joy is for others, not for them. This belief can show up as self-sabotage in career, love, or health.

    Philosopher Alain de Botton notes that “We accept the love we think we deserve,” and this extends to happiness itself. Working to internalize a sense of deservingness is a lifelong but vital process for healing and fulfillment.


    9- Love Equals Pain

    When childhood love was coupled with betrayal, neglect, or harm, adults may unconsciously seek out painful relationships or push away genuine affection. Love becomes synonymous with suffering.

    Dr. Pia Mellody, in Facing Love Addiction, discusses how early attachments shape our adult romantic lives. Learning to separate love from pain requires rewiring deeply ingrained attachment patterns, often through therapy and self-reflection.


    10- My Needs Don’t Matter

    In families where a child’s needs were ignored or ridiculed, the belief that “my needs don’t matter” becomes a guiding principle. This manifests as self-neglect or overextending to meet others’ needs.

    Author Melody Beattie, in Codependent No More, explains that reclaiming one’s right to have and express needs is central to recovery. Practicing self-advocacy and setting boundaries are essential steps forward.


    11- I Am Powerless

    Constant criticism or control during childhood fosters learned helplessness—a belief that nothing you do can change your circumstances. This leads to passivity and resignation in adulthood.

    Martin Seligman, in Learned Helplessness, illustrates how this mindset limits growth and happiness. Building a sense of agency through small, achievable goals can gradually restore a sense of empowerment.


    12- I Am Alone

    Neglected children often grow up with a deep existential loneliness, believing no one truly understands or cares. This belief can keep adults isolated even when surrounded by potential support.

    In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller describe how our attachment styles shape these feelings of isolation. Learning to trust and open up to safe relationships is a courageous but transformative act.


    13- Trust Is Dangerous

    If caregivers were unreliable or abusive, the resulting belief is that trust only leads to disappointment or danger. Adults with this belief find it hard to form deep connections and often maintain hyper-independence.

    Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, emphasizes that vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. Gradually practicing safe vulnerability helps dismantle this limiting belief and fosters intimacy.


    14- Mistakes Are Unforgivable

    Children punished harshly for errors grow into adults terrified of making mistakes. This fosters perfectionism and stifles creativity and risk-taking.

    Psychologist Carol Dweck, in Mindset, shows that viewing mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than moral failings is key to developing resilience and success. Embracing a growth mindset allows for continuous learning and self-improvement.


    15- My Worth Depends on Others’ Approval

    When a child learns that approval equals survival, they grow into adults who rely heavily on external validation. This dependence often leads to burnout and chronic anxiety.

    Nathaniel Branden, in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, argues that internal validation is the foundation of true self-worth. Cultivating self-approval liberates individuals from the tyranny of others’ opinions.


    16- Vulnerability Is Weakness

    In homes where vulnerability was met with ridicule or punishment, showing emotions feels like an open invitation to harm. Adults hide their true selves behind masks of strength.

    Dr. Kristin Neff, in Self-Compassion, advocates for embracing vulnerability as a source of strength rather than weakness. Building a compassionate relationship with oneself allows for authentic connection with others.


    17- Joy Must Be Earned

    Some children grow up believing that they must work endlessly to “deserve” joy, treating rest and pleasure as luxuries rather than birthrights. This can result in workaholism and chronic dissatisfaction.

    In Rest Is Resistance, Tricia Hersey argues that reclaiming joy and rest is a radical act of self-love and healing. Recognizing joy as a fundamental human right helps break this damaging cycle.


    18- I Am Defined by My Past

    Those who endured trauma often believe they are forever branded by their history, unable to create a new narrative. This keeps them stuck in patterns of shame and limitation.

    Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, explains that while trauma shapes us, it does not have to define us. Healing involves integrating past experiences and creating a new story moving forward.


    19- Intimacy Means Losing Myself

    If childhood intimacy felt invasive or controlling, adults may fear that close relationships will erase their individuality. They resist deep connection to preserve their autonomy.

    In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson describes how secure attachment allows intimacy without sacrificing self. Learning to navigate closeness while maintaining a strong sense of self is vital for healthy love.


    20- I Must Always Be Strong

    In families where vulnerability was not allowed, children become adults who feel compelled to be perpetually strong and self-reliant. This denies them the comfort of support and connection.

    Author Bell Hooks, in All About Love, writes that “Strength and softness are not opposites but partners.” Allowing oneself to seek help and show weakness is a profound act of courage and healing.


    21- I’m Powerless to Change My Life

    Children raised in controlling or chaotic environments often develop the belief that they have no agency. They internalize the idea that their choices are futile and that they must simply endure life rather than shape it. This can breed passivity and a deep sense of hopelessness.

    In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl argues that our ultimate freedom lies in our ability to choose our response, even in the direst circumstances. Reclaiming agency involves small, intentional actions that build a sense of mastery over your life, proving to yourself that change is not only possible but also within your grasp.


    22- I Don’t Deserve Love

    A childhood filled with neglect or harsh criticism often leads to the ingrained belief that love is something for others, not oneself. Adults may push away affection or settle for unfulfilling relationships, convinced deep down that love is a currency they can’t afford.

    Dr. John Bowlby’s attachment theory highlights how early interactions shape our capacity to receive and give love. Healing requires practicing self-love first and gradually allowing safe, nurturing connections to challenge and transform this outdated script. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is an insightful guide on reworking these relational blueprints.


    23- My Needs Don’t Matter

    When children learn that their needs are an inconvenience or provoke punishment, they may conclude their needs are unimportant. As adults, they suppress desires and live in a state of quiet deprivation, often prioritizing others to their own detriment.

    In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach urges readers to honor their needs as sacred signals rather than selfish whims. Learning to listen and respond to your own needs is an essential act of reclaiming self-worth and living a fulfilling life.


    24- The World Is Unsafe

    A chaotic or abusive household often teaches children that the world is a dangerous, unpredictable place. As adults, they may live in a state of hyper-vigilance, expecting harm at every turn and sabotaging opportunities out of fear.

    In Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, Peter Levine explores how trauma imprints a perpetual sense of threat on the body and mind. Cultivating safety internally and externally is key to dismantling this belief and fostering a life driven by curiosity rather than fear.


    25- People Will Always Hurt Me

    When trust is repeatedly betrayed in childhood, adults may expect betrayal from everyone, pushing people away or keeping relationships shallow to avoid inevitable pain.

    Brené Brown, in Braving the Wilderness, underscores the importance of cultivating trust gradually and discerningly. Healing involves recognizing that while some people may hurt you, not everyone will — and meaningful connection requires vulnerability despite the risk.


    26- I Have to Be Perfect to Be Loved

    If love was conditional on achievements or “good behavior” during childhood, adults may develop perfectionistic tendencies as a misguided strategy to secure love. This belief fuels chronic stress, burnout, and self-criticism.

    Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion teaches that love is not a reward for flawlessness but a birthright. Embracing imperfection as part of the human experience opens the door to authentic love and belonging.


    27- I Can’t Show My Emotions

    In households where emotions were dangerous or ignored, children learn to mask their feelings to stay safe. As adults, this often manifests as emotional numbness, disconnection, or explosive outbursts after long suppression.

    Alice Miller, in The Drama of the Gifted Child, describes how emotional repression stunts true self-expression. Relearning how to feel and express emotions in healthy ways is essential to reconnecting with oneself and others.


    28- I’m a Burden to Others

    Children who were told directly or indirectly that they were “too much” or “in the way” internalize the belief that their existence is an inconvenience. Adults then hesitate to ask for help or share their struggles, leading to isolation and resentment.

    In It’s Not Always Depression, Hilary Jacobs Hendel highlights how connection and interdependence are fundamental human needs. Recognizing your right to support and care is vital to dismantling this limiting belief.


    29- Success Isn’t for People Like Me

    Children raised in environments of scarcity or negativity may come to believe that success is reserved for “other” people — not for someone like them. This fosters self-sabotage and chronic underachievement.

    Napoleon Hill, in Think and Grow Rich, writes extensively on the importance of belief in achieving success. Shifting from a mindset of limitation to one of possibility is crucial to breaking this narrative and realizing your potential.


    30- I’m Destined to Fail

    Repeated failures or critical feedback in childhood can crystalize the belief that failure is inevitable, making adults afraid to try new things or set ambitious goals.

    Carol Dweck’s concept of the “growth mindset” in Mindset demonstrates that viewing failures as learning opportunities rather than final verdicts is key to resilience. Embracing this perspective transforms setbacks into stepping stones rather than stopping points.


    31- I Have to Do Everything Alone

    When children are forced into self-reliance too early, they learn not to trust others for support. This belief morphs into chronic independence and difficulty in delegation or collaboration as adults.

    In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown advocates for the power of community and connection in healing. Learning to ask for and receive help can be a profound act of vulnerability and growth.


    32- I’m Too Much or Not Enough

    Children who receive inconsistent feedback—sometimes too much attention, sometimes rejection—internalize the belief that they’re inherently flawed: either “too much” or “not enough.” This belief fosters chronic insecurity and identity confusion.

    In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estés explores how reconnecting with your true self, free from external definitions, is a vital journey to wholeness. Embracing both your power and your vulnerability is part of this reclamation.


    33- Conflict Is to Be Avoided at All Costs

    Children exposed to volatile or frightening conflict often equate disagreement with danger. As adults, they avoid assertiveness, suppress needs, and tolerate unacceptable behavior to maintain a false peace.

    In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg illustrates that conflict, when navigated with empathy and honesty, can lead to deeper connection and resolution. Reframing conflict as a bridge rather than a battlefield is crucial for personal and relational growth.


    34- Happiness Is Out of Reach for Me

    A painful childhood can plant the belief that happiness is an unattainable dream reserved for others. This belief keeps adults stuck in cycles of self-sabotage, anxiety, and despair, reinforcing a sense of alienation from joy.

    In The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris introduces Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as a way to overcome the internal barriers to joy. By practicing acceptance and aligning actions with values, it becomes possible to invite happiness back into life.


    Conclusion

    Each of these beliefs, though deeply ingrained, is not an immutable life sentence. As the psychiatrist Carl Jung wisely stated, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”

    Bringing these hidden assumptions to light is the first step toward transformation. Through therapy, self-reflection, and courageous action, you can replace these self-limiting scripts with beliefs that support your growth and authentic joy. You are not bound to the pain of your past — you are free to write a new story, one rooted in worthiness, possibility, and connection.

    The beliefs we inherit from an unhappy childhood are like old, heavy coats — they may have once kept us safe, but now they weigh us down and keep us cold. Recognizing and challenging these invisible scripts is not an easy journey, but it is perhaps the most important work we can do to reclaim our authentic lives. As Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

    Through compassionate self-exploration, therapy, and conscious effort, you can begin to shed these limiting beliefs and step into a life guided by self-worth, joy, and authentic connection. Remember, you are not defined by your past, but by what you choose to believe and create today.

    Bibliography

    1. Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press, 2006.
    2. Levine, Amir, and Heller, Rachel. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee, 2010.
    3. Brach, Tara. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Bantam, 2003.
    4. Levine, Peter A. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books, 1997.
    5. Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House, 2017.
    6. Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow, 2011.
    7. Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books, 1997.
    8. Jacobs Hendel, Hilary. It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. Random House, 2018.
    9. Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. The Ralston Society, 1937.
    10. Dweck, Carol S. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House, 2006.
    11. Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden, 2010.
    12. Estés, Clarissa Pinkola. Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype. Ballantine Books, 1992.
    13. Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press, 2003.
    14. Harris, Russ. The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter, 2008.
    15. Bowlby, John. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books, 1969.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • UK: Will New School Rules Help Cut Violence In The Classroom?

    UK: Will New School Rules Help Cut Violence In The Classroom?

    In the quiet corners of British classrooms, a growing storm of disruption has been brewing — one that policymakers can no longer ignore. Classroom violence, once a marginal concern, has steadily risen to alarming levels, prompting the UK government to introduce a new set of school rules designed to restore order and discipline. These measures have sparked a vital national conversation: can regulation and reform meaningfully curb aggressive student behaviour?

    While some hail the changes as long overdue, others caution that rules alone may not address the deeper social, psychological, and institutional issues at play. The debate isn’t just about education; it’s about the very fabric of school culture and how we shape young minds for civil society. The significance of these rules lies not only in their content but also in how they are implemented and received by teachers, students, and parents alike.

    The challenge, then, is not only to enforce discipline but to do so in a way that promotes respect, engagement, and mental well-being. As philosopher John Dewey once noted, “Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.” If violence continues unchecked, it is not only learning that suffers but the social foundation of future generations.


    1- The Rising Tide of Classroom Violence

    Classroom violence in the UK has become a focal point of concern for educators, parents, and policymakers alike. Recent statistics have shown a sharp increase in verbal abuse, physical aggression, and intimidation directed at both teachers and pupils. In many instances, these incidents are symptomatic of wider societal tensions — from mental health struggles to the erosion of authority within school settings. According to the National Education Union, nearly one in three teachers report having faced physical threats during their careers.

    This growing crisis undermines not only classroom safety but also the learning environment itself. When students and teachers operate under a constant shadow of disruption, educational outcomes invariably suffer. Renowned sociologist Emile Durkheim argued that discipline is a cornerstone of social cohesion. Without it, the classroom ceases to be a space of structured learning and becomes one of chaos and survival.


    2- Government’s Response: The New School Rules

    In response to these worrying trends, the UK government has introduced a raft of new school rules aimed at reinforcing discipline and reducing classroom violence. These include measures such as zero-tolerance policies for aggressive behaviour, more powers for headteachers to suspend or expel disruptive students, and increased use of in-school isolation rooms. Proponents argue these rules will empower schools to take swift, decisive action.

    However, critics argue that these top-down measures may lack nuance and fail to account for the root causes of behavioural issues. A rule-based approach, they contend, risks criminalising students rather than rehabilitating them. As educationalist Sir Ken Robinson wrote, “You cannot improve education by alienating the very people it’s supposed to engage.” The challenge is ensuring that discipline policies are balanced, just, and contextually sensitive.


    3- The Role of Teacher Authority

    The authority of teachers is pivotal in managing classroom dynamics. Unfortunately, this authority has been steadily undermined over the years due to shifting cultural attitudes, increased student rights, and a lack of institutional backing. When teachers are not supported in maintaining order, they are more likely to experience burnout and disillusionment.

    Restoring teacher authority does not mean reverting to authoritarian models, but rather affirming the teacher’s role as a guide, mentor, and leader. As Paulo Freire observed in Pedagogy of the Oppressed, true authority emerges not from domination, but from mutual respect and dialogue. Teacher training must therefore include conflict resolution skills, classroom management, and psychological insight.


    4- Influence of Family and Social Background

    A child’s behaviour in school is often a mirror of their home environment. Socioeconomic stress, lack of parental supervision, and exposure to domestic conflict can manifest in disruptive behaviours at school. These issues are particularly pronounced in deprived areas, where children may lack positive role models and emotional stability.

    Educational psychologist Dr. Tanya Byron asserts that “behaviour is communication,” and understanding what lies beneath the surface is key to addressing it effectively. Schools need to work closely with families and social services to provide holistic support for vulnerable children, recognising that discipline must be accompanied by care.


    5- Impact on Learning Outcomes

    Classroom violence is not just a disciplinary issue; it’s an academic one. Constant disruptions derail lesson plans, demoralise educators, and create an atmosphere of fear rather than curiosity. According to Ofsted, schools with high levels of behavioural issues tend to have lower achievement scores, regardless of the quality of teaching.

    Long-term exposure to a chaotic learning environment can have deep psychological effects on students. It diminishes their confidence, stifles participation, and fosters disengagement. As educational theorist Alfie Kohn notes in Punished by Rewards, environments that prioritise control over understanding often backfire, undermining intrinsic motivation to learn.


    6- The Role of Mental Health

    Mental health is a significant, though often overlooked, factor in classroom violence. Many students acting out are grappling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or undiagnosed neurodivergent conditions. A punitive response in these cases can exacerbate rather than resolve the issue.

    Investment in school counselling services, early intervention, and staff training in mental health awareness is essential. The Children’s Commissioner for England has repeatedly highlighted the gap in mental health provision for school-aged children. Addressing mental well-being is not ancillary to education—it is central to it.


    7- Peer Influence and School Culture

    Peer dynamics play a powerful role in shaping behaviour. In schools where violence or bullying is normalised, students may feel pressured to conform to disruptive group norms. Conversely, in schools with a strong culture of respect and mutual accountability, positive behaviour is reinforced naturally.

    School culture must be deliberately cultivated through clear values, consistent leadership, and student voice initiatives. Educational researcher Michael Fullan argues in Leading in a Culture of Change that cultural transformation requires deep engagement, not just rule enforcement. In other words, schools must be communities, not merely institutions.


    8- Support for Teachers

    Teachers are on the frontlines of this struggle, yet many feel ill-equipped or unsupported when it comes to managing violence. Professional development in classroom management and trauma-informed teaching is often inconsistent or inadequate.

    Moreover, schools must foster a culture where staff can report incidents without fear of judgment or bureaucratic inertia. Providing psychological support for teachers themselves, especially those in high-stress environments, is equally crucial. A resilient teacher body is a school’s best asset in confronting behavioural challenges.


    9- Role of School Leadership

    Effective school leadership is central to managing behaviour and implementing new rules with integrity and fairness. Strong leaders set the tone for what is acceptable and are proactive in addressing problems before they escalate. Their presence is felt not only in policy but in everyday interactions with staff and students.

    Leadership must also involve ethical decision-making. As leadership expert Dr. Andy Hargreaves notes, sustainable change comes from “moral purpose aligned with professional practice.” Headteachers must strike a balance between firmness and empathy, ensuring that discipline does not become synonymous with exclusion.


    10- Policy and Funding Issues

    Policy without funding is rhetoric without reality. The success of any new behavioural initiative depends heavily on the availability of resources — for staff training, student support services, and infrastructure. Yet many UK schools continue to struggle with underfunding.

    Educational reformer Diane Ravitch has warned that reform efforts often fail because they ignore the economic conditions in which schools operate. Without proper investment, the burden of discipline falls disproportionately on overstretched teachers, undermining the very goals these policies aim to achieve.


    11- Involvement of Parents and Community

    Parents and community members are essential partners in any effort to reduce school violence. When schools and families collaborate, students receive a consistent message about behaviour and responsibility. However, this partnership requires active outreach and trust-building.

    Community programmes that offer parenting support, mentorship, and youth engagement can help mitigate behavioural issues before they enter the classroom. As the African proverb goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” School violence is not an isolated problem—it is a reflection of broader societal dynamics.


    12- Balancing Punishment and Rehabilitation

    A punitive approach may yield short-term compliance but often fails to foster long-term behavioural change. Effective discipline should be restorative, focusing on accountability, empathy, and reparation. Restorative justice programmes have shown promise in reducing recidivism and improving school climate.

    This approach is grounded in the belief that students should be active participants in resolving conflict. As Margaret Thorsborne, a pioneer in restorative practice, puts it: “Punishment disconnects; restoration reconnects.” Schools should aim to educate the whole child, not merely correct behaviour.


    13- Impact of Social Media and Technology

    The digital age has introduced new avenues for conflict among students. Cyberbullying, exposure to violent content, and social media-fueled peer drama often spill over into the classroom. Teachers now contend with a world where harmful interactions are no longer confined to the schoolyard.

    Digital literacy education and clear policies on device use can help, but parental involvement is equally crucial. Psychologist Sherry Turkle’s Alone Together highlights how online life alters our sense of empathy and presence — both critical for peaceful coexistence in shared spaces like schools.


    14- Case Studies from Other Countries

    Looking abroad, countries like Finland and Japan offer models worth examining. Finnish schools focus heavily on emotional intelligence and teacher autonomy, resulting in low rates of classroom violence. Japan, meanwhile, instils discipline through collective responsibility and moral education.

    These examples show that culture, pedagogy, and policy must work in harmony. Importing models wholesale is unwise, but adapting best practices within a local context can yield real benefits. The OECD’s comparative education studies provide valuable data for such international benchmarking.


    15- Student Voice and Engagement

    Students should not merely be the recipients of discipline; they should be collaborators in shaping school culture. When students have a say in rule-making, they are more likely to internalise those rules. School councils, peer mentoring, and feedback forums can amplify student voice.

    As educational reformer Deborah Meier observed, “Democracy has to be born anew every generation, and education is its midwife.” Engaging students as citizens of the school community promotes responsibility, empathy, and self-discipline.


    16- Training and Curriculum Reform

    To tackle violence at its roots, curriculum reform is essential. Subjects like PSHE (Personal, Social, Health and Economic education), ethics, and emotional literacy must be given more weight. Behaviour cannot be separated from values and understanding.

    Teacher training must also evolve. Conflict de-escalation, trauma-awareness, and inclusive practices should be core components of teacher education. As highlighted in The Courage to Teach by Parker J. Palmer, teaching is an act of moral and emotional presence, not mere instruction.


    17- Long-Term Cultural Change

    Tackling classroom violence is not about quick fixes but enduring change. Cultural transformation within schools takes time, consistency, and a shared vision. It involves altering how authority, respect, and learning are understood and practiced.

    This cultural shift requires leadership at all levels and must be anchored in trust, dialogue, and shared responsibility. In the words of James Comer, “No significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” At the heart of lasting change lies the human connection.


    18- Challenges in Implementation

    Even the most well-intentioned rules can falter in implementation. Variability in school leadership, local funding disparities, and inconsistent training can all lead to uneven outcomes. Moreover, resistance from staff or students may emerge if reforms feel imposed rather than inclusive.

    Effective change management requires transparency, stakeholder buy-in, and ongoing evaluation. The Education Endowment Foundation stresses the importance of evidence-based strategies and pilot programmes before full-scale implementation.


    19- Metrics of Success

    Measuring the success of anti-violence initiatives must go beyond counting detentions or exclusions. True success lies in improved student engagement, teacher satisfaction, academic achievement, and a sense of safety and belonging.

    Qualitative data — including surveys, interviews, and behavioural observations — can offer insights that raw numbers cannot. A holistic evaluation framework ensures that progress is both real and sustainable.


    20- The Broader Educational Philosophy

    At the core of this issue lies a question of educational purpose. Are schools merely centres of compliance and exam results, or are they spaces of human development and societal transformation? Our response to violence in classrooms reveals what we truly value.

    Drawing from the works of thinkers like Nel Noddings and bell hooks, we are reminded that education must be an act of care, justice, and liberation. Rules matter, but the spirit behind them matters more. Schools must be places where every child is safe not only from harm, but also from indifference.


    21- Effective Teacher Responses to Disruptive Behaviour

    Teachers must strike a careful balance between authority and empathy when confronting disruptive behaviour. Reacting with excessive force or visible frustration often escalates conflict, whereas a calm, consistent approach tends to de-escalate tensions. Employing techniques such as proximity control, tactical ignoring, and assertive redirection can prevent minor disruptions from spiralling into major incidents. This aligns with the work of Dr. Bill Rogers, who advocates for “positive correction” and setting clear, respectful expectations.

    Additionally, teachers must document behavioural incidents accurately and involve support structures early. Collaboration with senior staff and pastoral teams ensures a unified, strategic response rather than fragmented firefighting. As the Department for Education has stressed, school-wide consistency is vital for behavioural frameworks to be effective and equitable across diverse classroom settings.


    22- Building Positive Relationships as Prevention

    Strong, trust-based relationships between teachers and students are a proven deterrent to violent behaviour. When students feel seen, respected, and understood, they are less likely to act out. These connections are built through daily interactions, active listening, and genuine care — not merely through rewards or sanctions. As Rita Pierson, the famed educator, once said, “Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”

    This relational approach not only prevents conflict but also fosters resilience and emotional regulation. Investing in social-emotional learning and peer mentoring can further reinforce these positive dynamics. The restorative model, which centres on relationships rather than retribution, has gained traction for its long-term impact on school culture and student well-being.


    23- Addressing Violent and Aggressive Behaviour

    When pupils exhibit violent or aggressive behaviour, an immediate response is essential — not only for safety but also to signal that such conduct is unacceptable. However, the response must be proportionate and rooted in policy. Safe restraint protocols, removal from class, and immediate debriefing are critical. Staff must never act out of fear or impulse but follow training procedures and risk assessments.

    Post-incident interventions are equally important. These include restorative conversations, individual behaviour plans, and referrals to psychological services if necessary. As highlighted in Behaviour and Discipline in Schools: A Guide for Teachers, effective interventions blend consistency with individualised support. Schools that ignore or minimise violent behaviour risk normalising it.


    24- Conservatives Dismissed It as “Waffle”

    The Conservative Party’s sharp dismissal of the new guidance as “waffle” underscores the ideological divide in education policy. Critics argue that the documents are heavy on jargon and light on actionable strategies, providing little reassurance to teachers battling daily disruption. They point to a lack of firm commitment to discipline, calling instead for a return to traditional authority structures.

    This political rejection reflects broader tensions between progressive educational philosophies and calls for stricter enforcement. However, both sides agree that teachers need clarity and support. Any guidance perceived as evasive or overly abstract risks losing credibility with the very professionals it aims to support.


    25- What’s the Problem?

    At its heart, the crisis in UK classrooms is a convergence of rising behavioural issues, insufficient support, and systemic underinvestment. The problem isn’t merely one of individual misconduct but a reflection of deeper societal stressors — including poverty, trauma, and digital overstimulation — manifesting in student behaviour.

    Educational theorist Sir Tim Brighouse asserts that “a school mirrors its society.” Thus, schools cannot be expected to solve these problems in isolation. A coordinated, well-funded, and contextually aware strategy is essential to move from reactive to preventative practices across the system.


    26- Boundaries That Are Impossible to Maintain

    A significant challenge faced by educators is the erosion of enforceable boundaries. Vague policies, inconsistent leadership, and fear of backlash have created a climate in which teachers hesitate to act decisively. This ambiguity undermines their authority and emboldens disruptive students.

    In Classroom Behaviour, Bill Rogers discusses the importance of “predictable consequences and relational authority” — without which, even the best teaching becomes unsustainable. Teachers must be empowered to set firm, fair boundaries, and know they will be supported when they do so.


    27- Teachers Leaving Due to Overwhelming Behaviour

    The exodus of educators due to student behaviour has become an alarming trend. Overwhelmed by relentless classroom disruptions and the emotional toll they take, many skilled teachers are leaving the profession altogether. A recent survey by the National Association of Head Teachers found that behaviour was cited as a top reason for burnout.

    This attrition represents not just a human cost but a systemic failure. Losing experienced educators reduces continuity and mentorship for newer staff, leading to a vicious cycle of instability. Retention strategies must prioritise mental health, workload reduction, and behavioural support to stem this tide.


    28- Nervous Children Avoiding School

    The impact of classroom disruption extends beyond staff; children themselves are becoming increasingly anxious about attending school. Witnessing or experiencing violence can lead to school avoidance, anxiety, and even school refusal syndrome. These pupils are the silent victims of behavioural breakdowns.

    The charity YoungMinds has repeatedly highlighted the rise in school-related anxiety among UK children. Preventing this fallout requires a safe, calm, and predictable learning environment where all students feel protected and supported — not just those acting out.


    29- Trauma Inflicted on Peers

    Children exposed to the violent or disruptive behaviour of their peers often suffer secondary trauma. These pupils may become hyper-vigilant, fearful, or withdrawn, hindering their cognitive development and social engagement. Schools must recognise these students as affected parties deserving of care.

    Trauma-informed schooling, as detailed in The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom by Patricia A. Jennings, calls for staff awareness, predictable routines, and safe spaces for expression. Behavioural issues cannot be treated in isolation; their ripple effects are wide and long-lasting.


    30- Summary of the New Guidance

    The UK government’s new guidance outlines a behaviour framework intended to support consistency and empower educators. Key recommendations include staged interventions, clear consequences, and greater school-level autonomy. The document also places emphasis on restorative practices and positive reinforcement.

    However, while comprehensive in scope, critics note that its language often lacks clarity and urgency. For effective implementation, this guidance must be translated into clear training modules, accessible tools, and strong leadership support.


    31- Staged Interventions in the Appendix

    The appendix provides a tiered approach to interventions, beginning with verbal reminders and escalating to isolation or exclusion where necessary. This structure mirrors the response models used in therapeutic education environments and is intended to ensure proportionality.

    Crucially, each stage also includes restorative elements and opportunities for pupil reflection. This dual approach—combining discipline and rehabilitation—is considered best practice by behavioural specialists and aims to reduce repeat incidents through understanding, not just consequence.


    32- Calming Spaces as De-Escalation Tools

    Taking disruptive students to a designated calm area can help de-escalate volatile situations before they become unmanageable. These spaces offer sensory regulation and time for reflection, preventing impulsive behaviour from spiralling into aggression.

    When used correctly, this approach fosters emotional intelligence and self-regulation. However, such strategies must be paired with staff training to avoid misuse or over-reliance. Done right, they serve as preventative tools rather than punitive ones.


    33- The Question of Exclusions

    Exclusions remain one of the most contentious tools in managing behaviour. While sometimes necessary for safety, their overuse can lead to alienation, educational disengagement, and increased risk of criminal involvement. Critics argue exclusions address the symptom, not the cause.

    Education experts like Professor Carl Parsons have long warned that exclusions disproportionately affect vulnerable and disadvantaged pupils. Schools must explore alternative sanctions where possible and ensure exclusions are used judiciously and transparently.


    34- Life-Changing Impact of Expulsion

    Being expelled from school can derail a young person’s entire trajectory. They face reduced access to education, social stigma, and fewer life chances. According to research from the IPPR, excluded children are four times more likely to end up in the criminal justice system.

    To mitigate this, alternative provision and reintegration programmes must be robust and well-funded. Education should never become a system that simply casts out its most troubled members — it must remain a space of redemption and opportunity.


    35- Exclusion as a Last Resort: Gilruth’s Stance

    Education Secretary Jenny Gilruth’s emphasis on exclusion as a “last resort” reflects a cautious, balanced position. It signals an intent to prioritise inclusion, yet preserve schools’ ability to respond decisively to serious incidents.

    Her statement underscores the need for comprehensive behavioural policies that include both preventative and reactive measures. The key will be ensuring this message is accompanied by tangible support, not just rhetorical framing.


    36- Guidance Permits Exclusion for Violence

    The guidance does explicitly state that exclusion is permitted in cases involving violence, offering clarity to schools that face high-risk scenarios. This inclusion reassures educators that their safety and authority remain protected within the policy framework.

    However, it also necessitates strong accountability to ensure exclusions are used fairly and not as an expedient means of managing complex cases. Clear documentation and independent review processes will be essential to uphold equity.


    37- Reaction to the Guidelines

    Responses to the new guidelines have been mixed. Teachers’ unions welcome the recognition of rising behavioural challenges but question whether the measures go far enough. Many remain sceptical about implementation, citing past failures and resource gaps.

    Public opinion is similarly divided, with some parents calling for stricter discipline and others urging caution against punitive approaches. For the guidelines to succeed, they must evolve in consultation with the very practitioners they seek to empower.


    38- Call for More Resources and Staff

    A recurring theme in the debate is the need for more resources — more staff, more counsellors, more training. Without this, even the best policies will fail at the ground level. Teachers cannot carry the burden of reform alone.

    The Education Policy Institute has repeatedly stressed that staff-to-student ratios and pastoral investment are directly linked to behavioural outcomes. A well-resourced school is not only more effective but more humane.


    39- Empowering Teachers: Gilruth’s Promise

    Jenny Gilruth has pledged that the new policies will empower teachers by providing clearer frameworks and more authority. This is a welcome shift from previous years, where teachers often felt sidelined in behaviour debates.

    To fulfil this promise, the government must ensure consistent policy rollout, funded training, and public support for educators. Empowerment is not a matter of statements — it must be felt in the daily reality of every classroom.


    40- Emotional Dysregulation and Classroom Chaos

    A growing number of students present with emotional dysregulation — rapid mood swings, impulsivity, and poor frustration tolerance — which frequently lead to disruptive episodes. These behaviours are often linked to neurodiversity or trauma and require specialised responses.

    Schools must integrate mental health training into their CPD offerings and work closely with child psychologists and behavioural therapists. As neuroscience advances, so too must our educational responses evolve beyond punishment into healing.


    41- Lack of Clear Rules Leaves Teachers Stranded

    Despite the fanfare, many teachers argue that the rules remain vague. The lack of enforceable standards leads to inconsistency, confusion, and reluctance to act. Without strong leadership and explicit boundaries, teachers are left navigating chaos alone.

    Education must be guided by a coherent philosophy, not merely buzzwords. As Aristotle once said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” Teachers need habits of clarity, not ambiguity.


    42- Last Resort Repeated But Rarely Defined

    Gilruth’s refrain that exclusion is a “last resort” is reiterated often — but what qualifies as a last resort is left open to interpretation. This ambiguity may result in inconsistent practice across schools, eroding trust in policy.

    Definitions must be precise. A last resort should follow a defined sequence of interventions, documented decisions, and accountability mechanisms. Otherwise, the phrase risks becoming a rhetorical placeholder.


    43- Dismissal of Behavioural Advice as “Waffle”

    Teachers frustrated by ambiguous advice—such as using eye contact, hand signals, or merit stickers—often dismiss such suggestions as impractical in volatile classrooms. These tools may work in low-disruption environments but appear disconnected from high-stakes reality.

    To rebuild confidence, behavioural advice must be grounded in frontline experience, not bureaucratic theory. The profession needs tools that work under pressure, not idealistic checklists.


    44- Holyrood Buzzwords Undermine Credibility

    Terms like “multi-agency collaboration,” “positivity,” and “inclusion” dominate the guidance but are often seen as vague platitudes rather than practical tools. Teachers are seeking structure, not semantics.

    Clarity, not complexity, should be the hallmark of policy. As George Orwell warned in Politics and the English Language, euphemism can obscure reality. Behavioural guidance should speak plainly and directly to the needs of those who must enact it.


    45- Stress Forcing Teachers into Career Changes

    The toll of behavioural stress is so high that some teachers are leaving the profession for completely unrelated fields. One notable case involved a teacher becoming a lorry driver — valuing predictability and peace over pedagogy.

    This anecdote reflects a deeper crisis in professional identity. Teaching, once seen as a calling, is becoming a risk. Reversing this trend requires restoring respect, reducing workload, and re-establishing schools as places where teachers can thrive.


    46- False Allegations Destroying Careers

    False accusations, including highly damaging ones like being labelled a paedophile, have devastated teachers’ lives and careers. These rare but catastrophic cases highlight the need for robust safeguarding that protects staff as well as students.

    Schools must ensure allegations are handled with due process, confidentiality, and legal rigour. As Lord Justice Woolf once wrote, “Justice delayed is justice denied.” Staff deserve both protection and recourse when their reputations are at stake.


    Conclusion

    The question of whether new school rules will reduce violence in UK classrooms is as complex as it is urgent. Discipline is not a silver bullet, nor is compassion a panacea. Real change requires a coherent philosophy, sufficient funding, expert training, and above all, unity of purpose among educators, families, and policymakers.

    Violence in schools is both a symptom and a cause of deeper dysfunctions. To fix it, we must address the roots—trauma, disengagement, and systemic neglect—with honesty and resolve. Only then can our classrooms become not just places of safety, but of transformation, where both learning and peace are possible.

    Addressing classroom violence in the UK requires more than a change in rules — it calls for a reimagining of the educational landscape. Discipline must be rooted in understanding, leadership must be anchored in moral purpose, and every policy must consider the human stories behind the statistics. The new rules may offer a framework, but it is the collective action of teachers, students, families, and policymakers that will determine whether schools become places of peace or battlegrounds of frustration.

    The success of this reform effort depends not on enforcement alone, but on empathy, engagement, and a deep commitment to the transformative power of education. As we seek to stem the tide of violence, we must remember that discipline without compassion is control, not education — and that the classroom must remain a sanctuary for growth, not a theatre of conflict.

    Bibliography

    1. Rogers, Bill. Classroom Behaviour: A Practical Guide to Effective Teaching, Behaviour Management and Colleague Support. SAGE Publications, 2015.

    2. Jennings, Patricia A. The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom: Building Resilience with Compassionate Teaching. W. W. Norton & Company, 2018.

    3. Brighouse, Tim. Education and the Urban Child. Institute of Education Press, 2003.

    4. Pierson, Rita. Every Kid Needs a Champion. TED Talk, 2013. [Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/rita_pierson_every_kid_needs_a_champion]

    5. Parsons, Carl. Excluding Primary School Children: What Are the Costs? National Children’s Bureau, 2009.

    6. Orwell, George. Politics and the English Language. Horizon, 1946.

    7. Department for Education (DfE). Behaviour and Discipline in Schools: Advice for Headteachers and School Staff. UK Government, 2022.

    8. Education Policy Institute. Vulnerable Pupils and the Impact of School Closures. EPI, 2021.

    9. YoungMinds. Wise Up: Prioritising Wellbeing in Schools. YoungMinds Report, 2017.

    10. Ofsted. Managing Behaviour in Schools: Evidence Review. UK Government, 2022.

    11. Gill, Kiran, et al. Making the Difference: Breaking the Link Between School Exclusion and Social Exclusion. IPPR, 2017.

    12. Woolf, Lord Justice Harry. Access to Justice: Final Report. UK Judiciary, 1996.

    13. Cooper, Paul, and Jacobs, Barbara. From Inclusion to Engagement: Helping Students Engage with Schooling through Policy and Practice. Wiley-Blackwell, 2011.

    14. Tom Bennett. Creating a Culture: A Review of Behaviour in Schools. Department for Education, 2017.

    15. Gilruth, Jenny. Parliamentary statements and interviews on Scottish education policy, 2023–2025. [Available via Scottish Parliament website]

    16. House of Commons Education Committee. Forgotten Children: Alternative Provision and the Scandal of Ever-Increasing Exclusions. UK Parliament, 2018.

    17. Haydn, Terry. Managing Pupil Behaviour: Key Issues in Teaching and Learning. Routledge, 2013.

    18. UNESCO. Behind the Numbers: Ending School Violence and Bullying. UNESCO Report, 2019.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • A Parent’s Guide To Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children

    A Parent’s Guide To Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children

    In a world that increasingly values emotional agility over sheer academic prowess, raising emotionally intelligent children has never been more essential. Emotional intelligence—or EQ—is no longer a vague buzzword but a cornerstone of success, resilience, and overall well-being. Parents today have a unique opportunity to shape not only their children’s intellect but also their emotional frameworks, equipping them to navigate life with wisdom and empathy.

    Raising an emotionally intelligent child means more than teaching manners or managing tantrums. It requires a deeper investment in nurturing empathy, self-awareness, and resilience from a young age. These qualities help children thrive not only in classrooms but also in relationships and future workplaces. The goal is to help them become adults who understand and regulate their emotions, and who can extend that understanding to others—a skillset more valuable than ever in our fast-paced, emotionally charged society.

    Emotional intelligence can’t be taught like math or science—it must be modeled, practiced, and integrated into daily life. As renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman asserts, “Emotion coaching is the key to raising happy, resilient, and well-adjusted kids.” This guide aims to provide practical strategies backed by research and expert opinion, empowering you to nurture your child’s emotional world as skillfully as their cognitive one.


    1- What is emotional intelligence?

    Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity to recognize, understand, manage, and use emotions effectively in oneself and in interactions with others. Psychologist Daniel Goleman, in his groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence, outlined five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Unlike IQ, which tends to remain stable, EQ can be developed and refined throughout life, making it a powerful tool in child development.

    For children, emotional intelligence manifests in their ability to articulate feelings, manage frustrations, navigate social situations, and display empathy. It is not about suppressing emotions but understanding them. A child with high EQ may not avoid every outburst or conflict, but they will possess the tools to bounce back and learn from those experiences. It’s a lifelong skill with roots in childhood education.


    2- Why is it important?

    The importance of emotional intelligence lies in its ability to foster resilience, enhance communication, and support decision-making. A child with strong EQ skills is better equipped to handle academic pressure, peer conflict, and internal emotional struggles. These children tend to exhibit less impulsive behavior and more prosocial tendencies—crucial traits in both school and social settings.

    Moreover, emotionally intelligent children tend to develop a more positive self-concept. They’re more likely to persist through challenges, take responsibility for their actions, and empathize with others. According to psychologist Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, “Emotions drive learning, decision-making, creativity, relationships, and health.” When we equip children to manage their emotional world, we set them up for holistic success.


    3- Benefits: high EQ is linked to high IQ

    While traditionally IQ was seen as the ultimate predictor of success, research now shows that emotional intelligence plays a critical supporting role. Children with high EQ are often better learners because they are less distracted by internal emotional turmoil. They can focus, adapt to feedback, and engage more deeply with educational content.

    This synergy between EQ and IQ is highlighted in Goleman’s work, which shows that students who manage their emotions perform better academically. Emotional self-regulation, a key component of EQ, contributes to improved concentration and memory—cognitive functions directly tied to IQ performance. In short, EQ amplifies IQ by creating emotional conditions conducive to learning.


    4- Benefits: better relationships

    Children with high emotional intelligence are more adept at forming and maintaining healthy relationships. They understand emotional cues, practice empathy, and communicate more clearly. These qualities help them collaborate effectively, avoid unnecessary conflict, and become valued members of social groups.

    In friendships, emotionally intelligent children tend to display fewer aggressive behaviors and more cooperative attitudes. They are also more forgiving and adaptable. According to Harvard psychologist Susan David, “Our ability to be intelligent with our emotions determines the quality of our relationships.” Developing these skills early creates a strong foundation for fulfilling, long-lasting connections.


    5- Benefits: childhood EQ is linked to higher success during adulthood

    Long-term studies, such as those conducted by the American Psychological Association, reveal that children with higher EQ scores are more likely to succeed in adult life. This includes professional achievement, financial stability, and even marital satisfaction. The ability to manage stress, empathize with coworkers, and persist through setbacks often proves more important than technical skill alone.

    From workplace dynamics to leadership roles, emotional intelligence is an invaluable asset. A 2011 study published in Child Development showed that kindergartners with strong social-emotional skills were significantly more likely to graduate college and hold full-time employment by age 25. Clearly, the seeds of adult success are planted in emotional maturity developed early on.


    6- Benefits: improved mental health

    Emotionally intelligent children have a more robust toolkit to handle anxiety, depression, and stress. They are better at identifying what they feel, why they feel it, and how to process it constructively. This emotional literacy leads to lower instances of mood disorders and behavioral issues.

    Moreover, teaching children to manage their emotions can act as a preventive measure against future mental health challenges. According to Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Under Pressure, “Emotional strength is built through experience and reflection, not avoidance.” EQ training supports children in building resilience and maintaining emotional balance throughout life.


    7- Tips to raise an emotionally intelligent child

    Raising an emotionally intelligent child involves intentional parenting that prioritizes emotional development as much as academic or physical growth. Begin by validating your child’s feelings instead of dismissing or minimizing them. Let them know it’s okay to feel upset, scared, or frustrated—and that these emotions can be understood and managed.

    Create an emotionally rich environment where feelings are named, discussed, and handled respectfully. Daily conversations, storytelling, and open-ended questions can help children process complex emotions. Experts like Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, recommend emotion-focused dialogue to nurture a child’s emotional vocabulary.


    8- Help them develop self-awareness

    Self-awareness is the first building block of emotional intelligence. It means helping children recognize their emotional states, physical cues (like a racing heart or clenched fists), and the triggers behind them. Parents can encourage this through reflective questions such as “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think caused that reaction?”

    Journaling, drawing, or using a feelings chart can be effective tools for young children. As they get older, mindfulness exercises and storytelling can deepen their self-perception. When children understand their internal experiences, they are more likely to regulate their reactions and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.


    9- Label your child’s emotions

    Children often act out because they lack the language to express what they’re feeling. By labeling their emotions—whether it’s sadness, embarrassment, jealousy, or excitement—you give them the vocabulary to understand and communicate what’s going on inside. This reduces frustration and builds trust.

    Statements like “You seem disappointed that the game ended” or “It looks like you’re really proud of your drawing” help children identify their feelings and feel seen. According to child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, “Name it to tame it.” The act of naming emotions helps calm the nervous system and allows children to respond more effectively.


    10- Listen and show empathy

    Empathy begins with listening—deep, non-judgmental listening. Children need to feel that their emotions are heard and understood. Instead of rushing to solve their problems or correct their behavior, give space for their feelings to surface. Reflect their emotions back to them so they feel validated.

    Responding with statements like, “That sounds really tough,” or “I would feel that way too,” teaches children the value of empathy and provides them a model to emulate. According to Brené Brown, “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.” Teaching by example is the most effective way to foster emotionally intelligent kids.


    11- Model appropriate ways to express feelings

    Children are always observing. They learn more from what we do than what we say. Modeling healthy emotional expression—such as using calm words when upset or taking a break to cool down—teaches children that emotions are manageable and not something to fear or suppress.

    When you, as a parent, admit, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a walk,” you demonstrate emotional regulation in action. This teaches children that all emotions are valid but must be expressed responsibly. Dr. Daniel Siegel, in The Whole-Brain Child, emphasizes the importance of integrating both logic and emotion for healthy development.


    12- Teach healthy coping skills

    Every child needs tools to manage stress, disappointment, and frustration. Teaching techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, creative expression, or physical activity can provide children with reliable coping strategies. These help prevent emotional buildup and improve self-control.

    Role-playing difficult scenarios can also prepare them to respond calmly under pressure. Encourage them to articulate their feelings, take a pause, and consider solutions. These coping mechanisms not only enhance emotional intelligence but also foster resilience, a trait essential for lifelong well-being.


    13- Develop problem-solving skills

    Emotionally intelligent children are equipped to identify problems, think through solutions, and make informed choices. Rather than solving issues for them, guide children to reflect and evaluate. Ask questions like, “What do you think you could do differently next time?” or “What might help this situation improve?”

    This approach empowers children to take responsibility for their behavior and feelings. It also builds confidence and independence. According to educational psychologist Carol Dweck, fostering a “growth mindset” helps children view challenges as opportunities, which is a key part of both cognitive and emotional development.


    14- Make emotional intelligence an ongoing goal

    Raising an emotionally intelligent child is not a one-time project but a lifelong journey. It requires consistent conversations, modeling, and reinforcement. Make emotional check-ins a regular part of your routine—whether it’s during meals, bedtime, or after school.

    Consider using stories, media, or real-life events as opportunities to discuss emotions and values. Emotional intelligence should evolve with the child’s maturity. Books like Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman can serve as invaluable resources throughout different stages of development.


    15- Encourage self-expression

    Self-expression is vital to a child’s sense of identity and self-worth. Encourage your child to share their thoughts, opinions, and creativity without fear of judgment. Whether it’s through art, music, writing, or open conversations, these outlets foster emotional growth and insight.

    Creating a safe space for expression strengthens your relationship and helps children feel secure in their emotional experiences. As developmental psychologist Erik Erikson posited, expression is essential for the formation of identity—especially during early developmental stages.


    16- Examples: bossiness

    When a child appears bossy, it may be an attempt to gain control or express unmet needs. Instead of labeling the behavior negatively, guide them toward understanding the impact of their tone and words. Encourage collaborative play and emphasize the value of cooperation and respect.

    Help them reframe their leadership instincts positively by saying, “You have great ideas. Let’s make sure everyone gets a turn too.” Teaching emotional nuance helps transform bossiness into confidence tempered with empathy.


    17- Temper tantrums

    Tantrums are often a child’s way of expressing big emotions they can’t yet articulate. In these moments, your calm presence can provide the grounding they need. Acknowledge their feelings while setting boundaries. For example, “I see you’re angry. It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to throw toys.”

    Once they calm down, revisit the situation and help them name their emotions. Tantrums become teachable moments when handled with empathy and consistency. Over time, children learn that their emotions are manageable and that they have better tools to express them.


    18- Greed

    Greed in children often stems from insecurity, lack of boundaries, or developmental egocentrism. Instead of shaming them, help them understand the concept of sharing and the emotional rewards it brings. Frame generosity as strength, not sacrifice.

    Books like Have You Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud offer great metaphors for explaining kindness and empathy. Reinforce these ideas through consistent practice and praise when they exhibit generosity.


    19- Staring

    Staring can indicate curiosity, confusion, or discomfort. Use these moments to talk about social cues and emotional sensitivity. Explain how staring might make others feel and encourage respectful observation and engagement instead.

    Normalize curiosity while teaching social awareness. Encourage children to ask questions respectfully rather than stare. Building awareness of how actions affect others is a key facet of emotional intelligence.


    20- Are there times when certain kids will have more difficulty learning emotional intelligence?

    Yes, certain children—especially those with neurodivergent conditions like ADHD or autism—may find emotional learning more challenging. However, with patience, tailored strategies, and professional guidance, they can still build strong emotional intelligence over time.

    These children benefit from visual supports, social stories, and concrete emotional vocabulary. According to Dr. Ross Greene, “Kids do well if they can.” Understanding individual needs and adjusting your approach helps all children flourish emotionally.


    21- Where can I find tools to help build emotional intelligence in my child?

    Numerous resources are available to help parents nurture emotional intelligence. Books like The Whole-Brain Child by Siegel and Bryson, or Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, offer research-backed strategies. Educational apps, emotion cards, and mindfulness videos are also excellent tools.

    Therapists, educators, and parenting coaches can provide additional support tailored to your child’s developmental stage. Look for SEL (Social-Emotional Learning) programs in schools and community centers. The key is consistent, developmentally appropriate engagement with your child’s emotional world.


    Conclusion

    Raising emotionally intelligent children is one of the most enduring gifts a parent can offer. It requires patience, intention, and a willingness to nurture not just the mind but the heart. Emotional intelligence isn’t taught in a single lesson; it is woven into the fabric of daily interactions, modeled behavior, and open-hearted communication.

    By prioritizing EQ, parents prepare their children not just for academic or career success, but for a fulfilling life rich in connection, purpose, and inner strength. As Daniel Goleman wrote, “In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.” Helping children harmonize the two is the cornerstone of raising resilient, compassionate, and emotionally adept individuals.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog

  • 12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    12 Subtle Behaviors That Stem from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    Imagine growing up in an environment where your emotional needs were overlooked—where love was conditional, validation was scarce, and your feelings were dismissed. While you may not consciously recall the impact of childhood emotional neglect, it often leaves subtle imprints on your behavior in adulthood. These habits may seem harmless or even quirky, but they often serve as coping mechanisms for unmet emotional needs.

    The human psyche is wired for connection, and when those early bonds are weak or absent, people instinctively develop ways to fill the void. Whether it’s through an excessive attachment to objects, a compulsive need for approval, or an aversion to receiving affection, these behaviors reveal a deep-seated yearning for emotional security. Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, explains that “when a child’s emotional needs are ignored, they don’t disappear—they go underground, surfacing in unexpected ways later in life.”

    Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward healing. By recognizing them for what they truly are—responses to childhood emotional neglect—you can begin to address the underlying wounds and create healthier emotional patterns. Here are 12 behaviors that may indicate unresolved emotional neglect from your past, starting with three common yet often misunderstood habits.

    1 – Obsessive Plant Collecting

    A home filled with houseplants may seem like a simple passion for greenery, but for some, it represents much more. If you find yourself obsessively collecting plants, ensuring their survival with meticulous care, this could be an unconscious attempt to create the nurturing environment you never had as a child. Plants thrive on consistent attention—watering, pruning, repotting—offering a sense of control and responsibility that childhood emotional neglect may have deprived you of. In this way, your plant collection becomes an emotional anchor, a quiet way of giving and receiving care.

    While cultivating plants is a fulfilling and healthy hobby, it’s important to examine whether your attachment to them is compensating for deeper emotional needs. Studies in psychology suggest that individuals who lack secure attachments in childhood often form intense bonds with non-human entities, seeking stability in their surroundings. Instead of letting plants become a replacement for human connection, consider expanding your circle of emotional support—whether through friendships, therapy, or community involvement. True emotional fulfillment comes from balance, where care is both given and received.

    2 – Overly Apologetic Behavior

    Do you instinctively say “sorry” for things that don’t require an apology? This habit, while often dismissed as politeness, may actually be rooted in feelings of unworthiness. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated or where mistakes were met with harsh criticism, you may have learned that apologizing was a way to maintain peace and avoid rejection. Over time, this conditioned response turns into a reflex, making you apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

    Breaking free from excessive apologizing begins with recognizing your inherent worth. Assertiveness training can be beneficial, as it helps you reframe your communication style without guilt. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, emphasizes that “apologizing excessively can undermine your confidence and diminish the power of your voice.” Instead of defaulting to apologies, try replacing them with expressions of gratitude or acknowledgment. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for being late,” say, “Thank you for waiting.” These small shifts can help reshape your mindset, reinforcing the idea that you deserve to take up space without constant self-doubt.

    3 – Collection of Unopened Gifts

    If you tend to leave gifts unopened, you might be unconsciously rejecting love and appreciation. This behavior can be traced back to early experiences where affection was inconsistent or came with strings attached. If love was unpredictable in childhood—sometimes given, sometimes withheld—you may struggle to accept genuine kindness in adulthood. Unopened gifts serve as a metaphor for unclaimed affection; by leaving them untouched, you preserve their symbolic meaning while avoiding the vulnerability of receiving love.

    Opening a gift may seem like a small act, but it’s a powerful step toward embracing self-worth. Allowing yourself to fully receive and appreciate kindness fosters emotional healing. Psychologists suggest that practicing gratitude and self-compassion can help dismantle the barriers built by childhood neglect. A simple exercise, such as journaling about what a gift means to you, can help reframe your perspective and make receiving feel less overwhelming. In time, you can learn to embrace love—both in tangible and emotional forms—without hesitation.

    Conclusion

    While these behaviors may appear harmless, they often point to deeper emotional wounds left unaddressed. Whether it’s nurturing plants excessively, over-apologizing, or avoiding the acceptance of gifts, each habit reflects an unmet childhood need. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. By understanding the origins of these behaviors, you can begin to shift your perspective and cultivate healthier emotional habits.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires self-awareness, patience, and intentional growth. Exploring resources like Running on Empty by Jonice Webb or The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori can provide deeper insights into how past neglect shapes adult behavior. More importantly, fostering meaningful connections, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional support can help you move beyond these subtle yet powerful influences of your past.

    4 – Excessive Online Shopping

    Online shopping provides instant gratification, but for some, it’s more than just a pastime—it’s a coping mechanism. If filling your cart gives you a sense of comfort or control, this behavior may stem from emotional deprivation in childhood. Every new purchase can act as a fleeting substitute for love, offering a temporary dopamine rush that masks underlying emotional emptiness. Dr. April Lane Benson, author of To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, explains that compulsive shopping often fills an emotional void, with purchases standing in for the security and validation that were absent during formative years.

    While retail therapy may provide short-term relief, it can also lead to financial stress and clutter, creating a cycle of guilt and dependency. To break free from this pattern, start by identifying the emotional triggers that drive your shopping habits. Are you seeking comfort after a stressful day? Trying to fill loneliness? Shifting your focus toward meaningful experiences—such as connecting with loved ones or engaging in fulfilling hobbies—can reduce the need for material substitutes. Practicing mindful spending and setting financial boundaries can help you redirect emotional energy toward healthier, long-lasting sources of joy.

    5 – Talking to Inanimate Objects

    If you frequently find yourself talking to your stuffed animals, favorite mug, or even your car, it might be more than just a quirky habit. While this behavior can be a form of creative self-expression, it often originates from a deeper need for emotional connection. Childhood emotional neglect can leave individuals yearning for companionship, and in the absence of consistent, nurturing interactions, people may develop alternative ways to express themselves. Talking to inanimate objects provides comfort and predictability—unlike human relationships, objects don’t judge, abandon, or disappoint.

    Though there’s nothing inherently wrong with this habit, it’s essential to ensure it doesn’t replace meaningful social connections. Psychologists suggest that people who engage in extensive one-sided communication with objects might be compensating for a lack of secure attachments. To balance this, consider gradually increasing your social interactions—whether through joining clubs, attending community events, or reconnecting with old friends. As author and therapist Brené Brown puts it, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Strengthening real-world relationships can fulfill the emotional needs that inanimate objects simply cannot.

    6 – Obsessive List-Making

    If you feel compelled to write lists for everything—tasks, goals, grocery items, future plans—it could be more than just a preference for organization. For individuals who experienced neglect or unpredictability in childhood, lists provide a sense of order and control. When emotional needs were unmet or when life felt chaotic, creating structure through lists became a way to manage anxiety and regain a feeling of stability. Each completed task offers a sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the illusion of control over one’s environment.

    While list-making can be a helpful tool, excessive reliance on it may indicate an underlying fear of uncertainty. If your lists dictate your every move, you might be missing out on spontaneous joys and experiences. Try challenging yourself to let go of rigid planning in small ways—leave a day unstructured, embrace a last-minute invitation, or allow yourself to complete tasks intuitively rather than systematically. Psychologist Susan David, in Emotional Agility, emphasizes the importance of flexibility, stating that “rigidity in emotions or behaviors limits our ability to grow.” Learning to trust yourself without the constant need for lists can open the door to greater emotional resilience and personal freedom.

    Conclusion

    The behaviors we develop as adults often hold clues to our past experiences, particularly those rooted in childhood emotional neglect. Whether it’s excessive online shopping, talking to inanimate objects, or an obsession with making lists, each habit serves as a subconscious attempt to regain control, security, or emotional fulfillment. Recognizing these patterns is not about self-judgment but about self-awareness—understanding the emotional wounds behind these behaviors can help pave the way for healing.

    To truly address the effects of childhood neglect, it’s important to cultivate deeper emotional connections, practice self-compassion, and seek alternative ways to fulfill emotional needs. Books such as Running on Empty by Jonice Webb and Emotional Agility by Susan David provide valuable insights into reshaping these behavioral patterns. By consciously working toward emotional balance, you can move beyond coping mechanisms and create a life built on genuine connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.

    7 – Constant Phone Checking

    If you find yourself constantly reaching for your phone, checking notifications, or scrolling mindlessly, it may be more than just a habit—it could be a subconscious way of seeking the validation and connection you lacked in childhood. Every notification, like, or message can serve as a stand-in for the attention and reassurance that were absent during your formative years. Dr. Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation, highlights that “our devices are psychologically powerful because they don’t just change what we do—they change who we are.” For those who experienced emotional neglect, smartphones can become a way to feel seen, even if the connections they provide are superficial.

    While digital communication is an essential part of modern life, excessive phone use can prevent meaningful in-person relationships. Instead of letting your phone dictate your sense of connection, try setting boundaries—schedule phone-free time during meals, social gatherings, or before bed. Engage in activities that encourage presence, such as mindfulness exercises or face-to-face conversations. True connection comes not from a screen but from engaging fully with the world and the people around you. By reducing digital dependency, you can foster deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

    8 – Avoiding Mirrors

    If you actively avoid looking at your reflection, it may indicate deeper issues with self-worth and self-perception. For those who experienced emotional neglect as children, a lack of affirmation and positive reinforcement can lead to discomfort with self-image. Without caregivers who reflected back love and validation, it’s common to develop an unconscious aversion to one’s own presence—both physically and emotionally. Avoiding mirrors can be a way to sidestep self-confrontation, as seeing yourself forces you to acknowledge insecurities you may prefer to ignore.

    Healing from this habit requires a gentle, compassionate approach toward self-acceptance. Start with small steps, such as using daily affirmations while looking into the mirror. Practice self-care routines that nurture not only your physical appearance but also your emotional well-being. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, emphasizes in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself that “our worth is not contingent on external validation but on the ability to treat ourselves with kindness.” Embracing your reflection means embracing the whole of who you are—flaws, strengths, and all. Over time, the mirror can become a place of self-recognition rather than avoidance.

    9 – Over-Organizing Bookshelves

    A meticulously arranged bookshelf may seem like a simple sign of neatness, but for some, it represents an underlying need for control. If your bookshelves must always be perfectly categorized—by genre, color, or author—it might be a way to impose order on an otherwise unpredictable world. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals craving structure; without a stable emotional environment, external organization becomes a way to create a sense of stability. Arranging books just right offers a tangible form of control, something that may have been lacking in early life.

    While organization is a valuable skill, it’s important to balance it with spontaneity and enjoyment. Try breaking free from rigid categorization—perhaps mix up your books, allow space for new discoveries, or even embrace an intentionally imperfect arrangement. Books are meant to be experienced, not just displayed. According to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, organization should bring joy rather than act as a means of control. Instead of seeking perfection, allow your bookshelf—and by extension, your life—to reflect curiosity, growth, and flexibility.

    Conclusion

    The habits we develop often serve as silent echoes of our childhood experiences. Constant phone checking, avoiding mirrors, or obsessively organizing bookshelves may seem like harmless behaviors, but they often point to deeper emotional needs that were overlooked in our formative years. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing, allowing us to move from unconscious coping to conscious self-awareness.

    To break free from these cycles, it’s essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Whether it’s reducing reliance on digital interactions, embracing self-acceptance, or allowing for a bit more spontaneity in daily life, small but intentional changes can lead to greater emotional freedom. Books such as Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff offer valuable insights into these patterns and how to overcome them. Ultimately, healing from childhood emotional neglect means learning to engage with the world—and ourselves—with confidence, authenticity, and a deep sense of self-love.

    10 – Nighttime Snack Rituals

    If you often find yourself reaching for snacks late at night, even when you’re not physically hungry, this habit may be linked to unmet emotional needs rather than mere cravings. For many, food provides comfort and security—especially in moments of solitude. Childhood emotional neglect can lead to using food as a coping mechanism, filling the void left by a lack of nurturing care. According to psychologist Susan Albers, author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, emotional eating often arises from the desire to recreate feelings of warmth, safety, or companionship.

    Breaking free from this pattern requires distinguishing between emotional hunger and physical hunger. Instead of automatically reaching for a snack, try engaging in alternative self-soothing activities, such as journaling, meditation, or a relaxing bedtime routine. Developing healthier nighttime habits—like sipping herbal tea, reading a book, or practicing deep breathing—can help address emotional cravings in a more fulfilling way. True nourishment comes not just from food but from cultivating self-care practices that foster emotional well-being.

    11 – Excessive Souvenir Collection

    Do you feel an irresistible urge to buy souvenirs every time you travel, accumulating trinkets that often gather dust? While collecting mementos can be a delightful way to preserve memories, an excessive attachment to souvenirs may signal a deeper emotional need. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals longing for tangible reminders of happiness, security, and connection. By holding onto physical objects, you may be attempting to compensate for past experiences that lacked emotional richness.

    Rather than letting souvenirs serve as substitutes for meaningful emotional experiences, consider focusing on the moments themselves. Reflect on the memories behind each item and ask yourself if the object truly adds value to your life. As Marie Kondo suggests in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, only keep things that “spark joy” and serve a meaningful purpose. Shifting your perspective from accumulating objects to cherishing experiences can help you build stronger emotional connections and find fulfillment in the present, rather than in material keepsakes.

    12 – Binge-Watching Children’s Shows

    If you find yourself gravitating toward children’s shows long after childhood, it may be more than just nostalgia—it could be a subconscious attempt to reclaim a sense of comfort, innocence, and stability that was missing in your early years. Animated shows offer predictable storylines, warm relationships, and simple resolutions, providing a safe emotional escape from the complexities of adult life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Fayard, nostalgia can be a powerful coping mechanism, helping individuals feel connected to a more secure and joyful version of themselves.

    While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying childhood favorites, it’s important to ensure that this habit doesn’t serve as an emotional retreat from real-life challenges. Try balancing your media consumption with diverse content that encourages personal growth and emotional resilience. Engaging in creative hobbies, social interactions, or even therapy can help address underlying emotional needs while still allowing you to embrace the joy of nostalgia. As Brené Brown states in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” Finding a balance between comfort and growth can lead to deeper emotional fulfillment.

    Conclusion

    Our habits often serve as windows into our past, revealing hidden emotional wounds that continue to shape our present behaviors. Whether it’s nighttime snacking, excessive souvenir collecting, or binge-watching childhood shows, these actions often stem from a longing for comfort, security, and emotional fulfillment that was absent in childhood. Recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms is the first step toward breaking free from their hold.

    Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires conscious effort—finding healthier ways to address emotional needs, building deeper relationships, and embracing personal growth. Books such as 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown offer valuable insights into self-compassion and emotional healing. By understanding the deeper motivations behind these subtle habits, you can begin to replace temporary comforts with lasting emotional well-being, creating a life that is not just about coping but about thriving.

    Bibliography

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    2. Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
    3. Kondo, Marie. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Ten Speed Press, 2014.
    4. Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins, 2011.
    5. Turkle, Sherry. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Books, 2015.
    6. Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking, 2014.
    7. Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Press, 2013.
    8. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Health Communications, 1987.
    9. Winnicott, Donald W. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Karnac Books, 1965.
    10. Yehuda, Rachel. Understanding Trauma: Integrating Biological, Clinical, and Cultural Perspectives. Cambridge University Press, 2002.

    By Amjad Izhar
    Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
    https://amjadizhar.blog