Imagine growing up in an environment where your emotional needs were overlooked—where love was conditional, validation was scarce, and your feelings were dismissed. While you may not consciously recall the impact of childhood emotional neglect, it often leaves subtle imprints on your behavior in adulthood. These habits may seem harmless or even quirky, but they often serve as coping mechanisms for unmet emotional needs.
The human psyche is wired for connection, and when those early bonds are weak or absent, people instinctively develop ways to fill the void. Whether it’s through an excessive attachment to objects, a compulsive need for approval, or an aversion to receiving affection, these behaviors reveal a deep-seated yearning for emotional security. Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, explains that “when a child’s emotional needs are ignored, they don’t disappear—they go underground, surfacing in unexpected ways later in life.”
Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward healing. By recognizing them for what they truly are—responses to childhood emotional neglect—you can begin to address the underlying wounds and create healthier emotional patterns. Here are 12 behaviors that may indicate unresolved emotional neglect from your past, starting with three common yet often misunderstood habits.
1 – Obsessive Plant Collecting
A home filled with houseplants may seem like a simple passion for greenery, but for some, it represents much more. If you find yourself obsessively collecting plants, ensuring their survival with meticulous care, this could be an unconscious attempt to create the nurturing environment you never had as a child. Plants thrive on consistent attention—watering, pruning, repotting—offering a sense of control and responsibility that childhood emotional neglect may have deprived you of. In this way, your plant collection becomes an emotional anchor, a quiet way of giving and receiving care.
While cultivating plants is a fulfilling and healthy hobby, it’s important to examine whether your attachment to them is compensating for deeper emotional needs. Studies in psychology suggest that individuals who lack secure attachments in childhood often form intense bonds with non-human entities, seeking stability in their surroundings. Instead of letting plants become a replacement for human connection, consider expanding your circle of emotional support—whether through friendships, therapy, or community involvement. True emotional fulfillment comes from balance, where care is both given and received.
2 – Overly Apologetic Behavior
Do you instinctively say “sorry” for things that don’t require an apology? This habit, while often dismissed as politeness, may actually be rooted in feelings of unworthiness. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated or where mistakes were met with harsh criticism, you may have learned that apologizing was a way to maintain peace and avoid rejection. Over time, this conditioned response turns into a reflex, making you apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Breaking free from excessive apologizing begins with recognizing your inherent worth. Assertiveness training can be beneficial, as it helps you reframe your communication style without guilt. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, emphasizes that “apologizing excessively can undermine your confidence and diminish the power of your voice.” Instead of defaulting to apologies, try replacing them with expressions of gratitude or acknowledgment. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for being late,” say, “Thank you for waiting.” These small shifts can help reshape your mindset, reinforcing the idea that you deserve to take up space without constant self-doubt.
3 – Collection of Unopened Gifts
If you tend to leave gifts unopened, you might be unconsciously rejecting love and appreciation. This behavior can be traced back to early experiences where affection was inconsistent or came with strings attached. If love was unpredictable in childhood—sometimes given, sometimes withheld—you may struggle to accept genuine kindness in adulthood. Unopened gifts serve as a metaphor for unclaimed affection; by leaving them untouched, you preserve their symbolic meaning while avoiding the vulnerability of receiving love.
Opening a gift may seem like a small act, but it’s a powerful step toward embracing self-worth. Allowing yourself to fully receive and appreciate kindness fosters emotional healing. Psychologists suggest that practicing gratitude and self-compassion can help dismantle the barriers built by childhood neglect. A simple exercise, such as journaling about what a gift means to you, can help reframe your perspective and make receiving feel less overwhelming. In time, you can learn to embrace love—both in tangible and emotional forms—without hesitation.
Conclusion
While these behaviors may appear harmless, they often point to deeper emotional wounds left unaddressed. Whether it’s nurturing plants excessively, over-apologizing, or avoiding the acceptance of gifts, each habit reflects an unmet childhood need. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. By understanding the origins of these behaviors, you can begin to shift your perspective and cultivate healthier emotional habits.
Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires self-awareness, patience, and intentional growth. Exploring resources like Running on Empty by Jonice Webb or The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori can provide deeper insights into how past neglect shapes adult behavior. More importantly, fostering meaningful connections, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional support can help you move beyond these subtle yet powerful influences of your past.
4 – Excessive Online Shopping
Online shopping provides instant gratification, but for some, it’s more than just a pastime—it’s a coping mechanism. If filling your cart gives you a sense of comfort or control, this behavior may stem from emotional deprivation in childhood. Every new purchase can act as a fleeting substitute for love, offering a temporary dopamine rush that masks underlying emotional emptiness. Dr. April Lane Benson, author of To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, explains that compulsive shopping often fills an emotional void, with purchases standing in for the security and validation that were absent during formative years.
While retail therapy may provide short-term relief, it can also lead to financial stress and clutter, creating a cycle of guilt and dependency. To break free from this pattern, start by identifying the emotional triggers that drive your shopping habits. Are you seeking comfort after a stressful day? Trying to fill loneliness? Shifting your focus toward meaningful experiences—such as connecting with loved ones or engaging in fulfilling hobbies—can reduce the need for material substitutes. Practicing mindful spending and setting financial boundaries can help you redirect emotional energy toward healthier, long-lasting sources of joy.
5 – Talking to Inanimate Objects
If you frequently find yourself talking to your stuffed animals, favorite mug, or even your car, it might be more than just a quirky habit. While this behavior can be a form of creative self-expression, it often originates from a deeper need for emotional connection. Childhood emotional neglect can leave individuals yearning for companionship, and in the absence of consistent, nurturing interactions, people may develop alternative ways to express themselves. Talking to inanimate objects provides comfort and predictability—unlike human relationships, objects don’t judge, abandon, or disappoint.
Though there’s nothing inherently wrong with this habit, it’s essential to ensure it doesn’t replace meaningful social connections. Psychologists suggest that people who engage in extensive one-sided communication with objects might be compensating for a lack of secure attachments. To balance this, consider gradually increasing your social interactions—whether through joining clubs, attending community events, or reconnecting with old friends. As author and therapist Brené Brown puts it, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Strengthening real-world relationships can fulfill the emotional needs that inanimate objects simply cannot.
6 – Obsessive List-Making
If you feel compelled to write lists for everything—tasks, goals, grocery items, future plans—it could be more than just a preference for organization. For individuals who experienced neglect or unpredictability in childhood, lists provide a sense of order and control. When emotional needs were unmet or when life felt chaotic, creating structure through lists became a way to manage anxiety and regain a feeling of stability. Each completed task offers a sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the illusion of control over one’s environment.
While list-making can be a helpful tool, excessive reliance on it may indicate an underlying fear of uncertainty. If your lists dictate your every move, you might be missing out on spontaneous joys and experiences. Try challenging yourself to let go of rigid planning in small ways—leave a day unstructured, embrace a last-minute invitation, or allow yourself to complete tasks intuitively rather than systematically. Psychologist Susan David, in Emotional Agility, emphasizes the importance of flexibility, stating that “rigidity in emotions or behaviors limits our ability to grow.” Learning to trust yourself without the constant need for lists can open the door to greater emotional resilience and personal freedom.
Conclusion
The behaviors we develop as adults often hold clues to our past experiences, particularly those rooted in childhood emotional neglect. Whether it’s excessive online shopping, talking to inanimate objects, or an obsession with making lists, each habit serves as a subconscious attempt to regain control, security, or emotional fulfillment. Recognizing these patterns is not about self-judgment but about self-awareness—understanding the emotional wounds behind these behaviors can help pave the way for healing.
To truly address the effects of childhood neglect, it’s important to cultivate deeper emotional connections, practice self-compassion, and seek alternative ways to fulfill emotional needs. Books such as Running on Empty by Jonice Webb and Emotional Agility by Susan David provide valuable insights into reshaping these behavioral patterns. By consciously working toward emotional balance, you can move beyond coping mechanisms and create a life built on genuine connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.
7 – Constant Phone Checking
If you find yourself constantly reaching for your phone, checking notifications, or scrolling mindlessly, it may be more than just a habit—it could be a subconscious way of seeking the validation and connection you lacked in childhood. Every notification, like, or message can serve as a stand-in for the attention and reassurance that were absent during your formative years. Dr. Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation, highlights that “our devices are psychologically powerful because they don’t just change what we do—they change who we are.” For those who experienced emotional neglect, smartphones can become a way to feel seen, even if the connections they provide are superficial.
While digital communication is an essential part of modern life, excessive phone use can prevent meaningful in-person relationships. Instead of letting your phone dictate your sense of connection, try setting boundaries—schedule phone-free time during meals, social gatherings, or before bed. Engage in activities that encourage presence, such as mindfulness exercises or face-to-face conversations. True connection comes not from a screen but from engaging fully with the world and the people around you. By reducing digital dependency, you can foster deeper and more fulfilling relationships.
8 – Avoiding Mirrors
If you actively avoid looking at your reflection, it may indicate deeper issues with self-worth and self-perception. For those who experienced emotional neglect as children, a lack of affirmation and positive reinforcement can lead to discomfort with self-image. Without caregivers who reflected back love and validation, it’s common to develop an unconscious aversion to one’s own presence—both physically and emotionally. Avoiding mirrors can be a way to sidestep self-confrontation, as seeing yourself forces you to acknowledge insecurities you may prefer to ignore.
Healing from this habit requires a gentle, compassionate approach toward self-acceptance. Start with small steps, such as using daily affirmations while looking into the mirror. Practice self-care routines that nurture not only your physical appearance but also your emotional well-being. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, emphasizes in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself that “our worth is not contingent on external validation but on the ability to treat ourselves with kindness.” Embracing your reflection means embracing the whole of who you are—flaws, strengths, and all. Over time, the mirror can become a place of self-recognition rather than avoidance.
9 – Over-Organizing Bookshelves
A meticulously arranged bookshelf may seem like a simple sign of neatness, but for some, it represents an underlying need for control. If your bookshelves must always be perfectly categorized—by genre, color, or author—it might be a way to impose order on an otherwise unpredictable world. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals craving structure; without a stable emotional environment, external organization becomes a way to create a sense of stability. Arranging books just right offers a tangible form of control, something that may have been lacking in early life.
While organization is a valuable skill, it’s important to balance it with spontaneity and enjoyment. Try breaking free from rigid categorization—perhaps mix up your books, allow space for new discoveries, or even embrace an intentionally imperfect arrangement. Books are meant to be experienced, not just displayed. According to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, organization should bring joy rather than act as a means of control. Instead of seeking perfection, allow your bookshelf—and by extension, your life—to reflect curiosity, growth, and flexibility.
Conclusion
The habits we develop often serve as silent echoes of our childhood experiences. Constant phone checking, avoiding mirrors, or obsessively organizing bookshelves may seem like harmless behaviors, but they often point to deeper emotional needs that were overlooked in our formative years. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing, allowing us to move from unconscious coping to conscious self-awareness.
To break free from these cycles, it’s essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Whether it’s reducing reliance on digital interactions, embracing self-acceptance, or allowing for a bit more spontaneity in daily life, small but intentional changes can lead to greater emotional freedom. Books such as Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff offer valuable insights into these patterns and how to overcome them. Ultimately, healing from childhood emotional neglect means learning to engage with the world—and ourselves—with confidence, authenticity, and a deep sense of self-love.
10 – Nighttime Snack Rituals
If you often find yourself reaching for snacks late at night, even when you’re not physically hungry, this habit may be linked to unmet emotional needs rather than mere cravings. For many, food provides comfort and security—especially in moments of solitude. Childhood emotional neglect can lead to using food as a coping mechanism, filling the void left by a lack of nurturing care. According to psychologist Susan Albers, author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, emotional eating often arises from the desire to recreate feelings of warmth, safety, or companionship.
Breaking free from this pattern requires distinguishing between emotional hunger and physical hunger. Instead of automatically reaching for a snack, try engaging in alternative self-soothing activities, such as journaling, meditation, or a relaxing bedtime routine. Developing healthier nighttime habits—like sipping herbal tea, reading a book, or practicing deep breathing—can help address emotional cravings in a more fulfilling way. True nourishment comes not just from food but from cultivating self-care practices that foster emotional well-being.
11 – Excessive Souvenir Collection
Do you feel an irresistible urge to buy souvenirs every time you travel, accumulating trinkets that often gather dust? While collecting mementos can be a delightful way to preserve memories, an excessive attachment to souvenirs may signal a deeper emotional need. Childhood emotional neglect often leaves individuals longing for tangible reminders of happiness, security, and connection. By holding onto physical objects, you may be attempting to compensate for past experiences that lacked emotional richness.
Rather than letting souvenirs serve as substitutes for meaningful emotional experiences, consider focusing on the moments themselves. Reflect on the memories behind each item and ask yourself if the object truly adds value to your life. As Marie Kondo suggests in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, only keep things that “spark joy” and serve a meaningful purpose. Shifting your perspective from accumulating objects to cherishing experiences can help you build stronger emotional connections and find fulfillment in the present, rather than in material keepsakes.
12 – Binge-Watching Children’s Shows
If you find yourself gravitating toward children’s shows long after childhood, it may be more than just nostalgia—it could be a subconscious attempt to reclaim a sense of comfort, innocence, and stability that was missing in your early years. Animated shows offer predictable storylines, warm relationships, and simple resolutions, providing a safe emotional escape from the complexities of adult life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Fayard, nostalgia can be a powerful coping mechanism, helping individuals feel connected to a more secure and joyful version of themselves.
While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying childhood favorites, it’s important to ensure that this habit doesn’t serve as an emotional retreat from real-life challenges. Try balancing your media consumption with diverse content that encourages personal growth and emotional resilience. Engaging in creative hobbies, social interactions, or even therapy can help address underlying emotional needs while still allowing you to embrace the joy of nostalgia. As Brené Brown states in The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” Finding a balance between comfort and growth can lead to deeper emotional fulfillment.
Conclusion
Our habits often serve as windows into our past, revealing hidden emotional wounds that continue to shape our present behaviors. Whether it’s nighttime snacking, excessive souvenir collecting, or binge-watching childhood shows, these actions often stem from a longing for comfort, security, and emotional fulfillment that was absent in childhood. Recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms is the first step toward breaking free from their hold.
Healing from childhood emotional neglect requires conscious effort—finding healthier ways to address emotional needs, building deeper relationships, and embracing personal growth. Books such as 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown offer valuable insights into self-compassion and emotional healing. By understanding the deeper motivations behind these subtle habits, you can begin to replace temporary comforts with lasting emotional well-being, creating a life that is not just about coping but about thriving.
Bibliography
- Albers, Susan. 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food: Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating. New Harbinger Publications, 2009.
- Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
- Kondo, Marie. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Ten Speed Press, 2014.
- Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins, 2011.
- Turkle, Sherry. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Books, 2015.
- Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking, 2014.
- Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Press, 2013.
- Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Health Communications, 1987.
- Winnicott, Donald W. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Karnac Books, 1965.
- Yehuda, Rachel. Understanding Trauma: Integrating Biological, Clinical, and Cultural Perspectives. Cambridge University Press, 2002.
By Amjad Izhar
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