What You Should Do When You Want To Run Back To Them by Kim Quindlen

Kim Quindlen’s The Art of Letting Go excerpt discusses the intense emotions following a breakup, specifically the urge to reconcile. The author explores the pain and temptation to return to the previous relationship, contrasting the immediate emotional turmoil with the eventual, albeit painful, healing process. Quindlen suggests that while returning might seem appealing, it comes at a cost, implying that enduring the pain allows for eventual growth and a better future. The passage uses relatable examples and metaphors to illustrate the complex feelings involved in letting go of a relationship.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Short Answer Quiz

1. According to the author, what is the common misconception about love that we are conditioned to believe?
2. How does real-life heartbreak differ from the way it is often portrayed in movies or TV?
3. What are some common behaviors people engage in when processing a breakup according to the author?
4. What does the author mean when she says “maybe this breakup is something you both need to mature, to understand yourselves as individuals?”
5. According to the author, what is the price of a breakup?
6. What does the author mean by “remanticizing your experience”?
7. Why is the author making the case that you will never know if you should have run back to them if you actually do?
8. What does the author mean when she says, “You’re not the star of the latest Nancy Myers film?”
9. According to the author, what should you do to allow yourself to fully heal from a breakup?
10. What is the main idea of the entire piece?

Answer Key

1. The common misconception is that love means “listen to your heart” and that you should always follow your feelings or impulses to be with someone. We are taught to believe in a storybook romance, ignoring that real-life situations are more complicated.
2. Unlike the highly dramatic and often quick resolutions in media, real-life heartbreak is a messy and uneven process, often without perfect endings. It involves moments of boredom, sadness, and isolation, which are rarely portrayed on screen.
3. When processing a breakup, people commonly engage in behaviors like cleaning the fridge, scrolling through Netflix, cleaning, sorting through junk mail, and sitting on the couch or at their desk. These activities are a way of dealing with emotions and filling the void.
4. The author is suggesting that breakups can be an important part of personal growth, allowing individuals to learn more about themselves and what they truly want out of life and relationships.
5. The price of a breakup is the need to fully experience the pain and grief, the “unappealing glory,” rather than trying to avoid it. You must feel all the feelings before you can fully recover.
6. The author is referring to the process of adding meaning to an experience that might be absent. It’s the idea that our minds will fill in gaps in stories, sometimes with “facts” that are untrue.
7. If you run back to your ex, you never get the chance to fully experience life apart and discover whether that was the right decision. You will never know what might have been because you didn’t give yourself the opportunity to discover it.
8. The author uses this to remind readers that real life is not like a movie and that you should be trying to live in the real world, instead of trying to live through a movie. You’re not trying to create the perfect romantic story; you’re trying to get through your real life.
9. To heal, one must allow themselves to fully experience all the emotions that come with a breakup, even if those feelings are unpleasant. One must allow the experience to “wash over you,” without resisting it.
10. The main idea is that heartbreak is a painful, but necessary, part of life that needs to be experienced to be fully overcome, and that trying to rush the process or avoid pain can ultimately be more detrimental to the healing process.

Essay Questions

1. How does the author’s perspective on romantic love challenge traditional narratives presented in media? Discuss the ways in which the author encourages readers to re-evaluate their expectations for romantic relationships.
2. Discuss the role of discomfort and pain in the process of healing from a breakup, as presented in this article. How can leaning into negative emotions contribute to personal growth, according to the author?
3. In what ways does the author juxtapose real-life experiences with idealized fictional portrayals of love and breakups? How does this comparison affect the reader’s understanding of their own experiences?
4. How does the author use the idea of a “five-minute character-building montage” to critique the quick resolutions of media portrayals? What does this suggest about the reality of personal growth and healing from heartbreak?
5. Explore the concept of “letting go” as discussed in the article. What actions does the author propose will help in this process, and what are the possible outcomes of accepting the reality of a breakup?

Glossary of Key Terms

• Equilibrium: A state of emotional balance or stability. In the context of the article, it refers to the disruption of this balance caused by a breakup.
• Remanticizing: The act of making something appear more romantic or ideal than it is in reality. In the context of a breakup, it means idealizing the past relationship.
• The Instinct: An automatic, unthinking urge. The author references the instinct to run back to an ex as one we are “conditioned” to have.
• Unappealing Glory: The paradoxical idea that the pain and messiness of a breakup, though unpleasant, are necessary for growth.
• Character-building Montage: The idea from film that suggests that people only need a short amount of time, and a montage, to fully heal.
• Three-dimensional: In the article, this means “real life” as opposed to a fictionalized character. The three dimensions are pain, boredom, and the beauty of living.
• The price of a breakup: This is the idea that you need to fully experience the sadness and grief to fully heal from the breakup. The price is that you have to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

Briefing Document: The Art of Letting Go

Key Theme: The sources explore the complexities of moving on from a relationship and the temptation to return to an ex-partner. The document emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and experiencing the full range of emotions associated with a breakup, rather than succumbing to the allure of a romanticized reconciliation [1, 2].

Core Ideas:

• The Illusion of Romanticized Reconciliation: The sources argue that the desire to run back to an ex-partner is often fueled by unrealistic portrayals of love seen in movies and television [1]. These portrayals emphasize grand gestures, quick fixes, and happy endings, which are not representative of real life [1]. In contrast, real life relationships have complex processes involving individual growth, uncomfortable feelings, and untidy resolutions that don’t fit into a 3-minute love song [1].
• The Importance of Experiencing Emotions: The document asserts that individuals must feel the full spectrum of emotions that follow a breakup, including sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. These feelings cannot be avoided by trying to quickly reconcile [1].
• Self-Reflection and Growth: You may be supposed to be alone, or to be with someone else [1]. There may be opportunities for individual growth and understanding that are lost by rushing back to a previous relationship. The sources emphasize that you need to figure out who you are and what you want in life without the influence of your previous relationship [1].
• The Pain of Moving On: The experience of moving on is described as difficult, painful, and sometimes boring [2]. This process is not a quick fix, but rather a period of time that has to be lived through in order to truly move on [2]. The source uses the phrase “you have to let it wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2]. The pain, however, is an important part of the process of personal growth [2].
• Trusting Your Gut: Despite the desire to return to an old relationship, the source emphasizes trusting yourself that you will eventually know what is the right thing to do [2]. The source states that you will eventually know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [2].

Key Takeaway: The sources suggest that while the impulse to run back to a past love may be strong, it is essential to allow yourself to fully experience your feelings, reflect on the reasons for the breakup, and learn from the experience. This approach can help you determine what is best for your own growth and well-being [1, 2].

Frequently Asked Questions: The Art of Letting Go

Q: Why do I want to run back to my ex?

• The sources suggest that the desire to return to an ex-partner is often fueled by a romanticized view of love, influenced by movies and television [1]. These portrayals don’t reflect real-life relationships, which are more complex and require individual growth, and untidy resolutions [1].

Q: What emotions are normal after a breakup?

• It is normal to feel a range of emotions including sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. The sources emphasize that you need to experience the full spectrum of these emotions rather than trying to avoid them [1, 2].

Q: What is the role of pain in moving on?

• Moving on is described as a painful, difficult, and sometimes boring process [2]. However, this pain is a necessary part of the process of personal growth [2]. The sources compare the experience to allowing emotions to “wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2].

Q: What should I do instead of trying to get back with my ex?

• The sources emphasize self-reflection and individual growth [1]. It may be the right time for you to be alone, or to be with someone else [1]. You should try to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of a past relationship [1].

Q: How do I know if I’m making a mistake?

• The sources suggest that you will eventually know what the right thing to do is. You will know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1, 2].

Q: What is the difference between a movie relationship and a real one?

• Movie relationships are often portrayed as quick, with dramatic declarations of love, and a resolution in a short time [1]. Real relationships, however, involve a more complex, sometimes uncomfortable, process of growth and untidy resolutions [1].

Resisting the Urge to Return to an Ex

The urge to run back to an ex-partner is a common experience, and the sources offer insight into why this feeling arises and how to navigate it.

• Romanticized View of Love: The sources suggest that the desire to return to an ex is often fueled by a romanticized view of love, influenced by movies and television [1]. These portrayals often depict grand gestures, quick resolutions, and happy endings [1]. Real-life relationships, however, are more complex, involving individual growth, uncomfortable feelings, and untidy resolutions that do not fit neatly into a short time frame or a three-minute love song [1].
• Emotional Processing: The sources emphasize that the breakup process requires experiencing the full range of emotions, such as sadness, isolation, and confusion [1]. Trying to avoid these feelings by quickly reconciling may hinder the necessary emotional processing required for personal growth [1, 2].
• The Need for Self-Reflection: The sources suggest that the period after a breakup can be a time for self-reflection and individual growth [1, 2]. The need to be alone or to be with someone else is presented as a possibility, and the sources suggest that individuals should use the time to understand who they are and what they want, without the influence of the past relationship [1].
• Trusting Your Intuition: While the urge to run back may be strong, the sources emphasize the importance of trusting your own intuition [2]. The sources state that you will eventually know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [2].
• The Pain of Moving On: The process of moving on is described as painful, difficult, and sometimes boring, however, it is essential to allow yourself to feel these emotions, which the sources compare to “letting them wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2]. This is in contrast to the quick, easy fixes portrayed in movies and television [1, 2].

In short, the “run back” urge is a common feeling, but the sources argue that it is important to resist the temptation to rush back to an old relationship. By allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions, you may be better able to determine what is best for your own growth and well-being [1, 2].

Breakup Healing: A Journey of Self-Discovery

The sources offer a perspective on breakup healing that emphasizes the importance of experiencing the full range of emotions and focusing on personal growth, rather than seeking a quick fix or reconciliation [1, 2].

• Experiencing the Full Spectrum of Emotions: The sources emphasize that healing from a breakup requires feeling the full range of emotions, including sadness and isolation [1]. The sources suggest that it is necessary to experience these feelings rather than trying to avoid them, which may occur if an individual rushes back into the previous relationship [1]. The source uses the metaphor of allowing the emotions to “wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2].
• Time and Process: Healing is not a quick fix, but a process [2]. It takes time to move on, and this process can be painful and sometimes boring. It is a process that has to be lived through rather than avoided [2]. The sources suggest that “real life” is not like the relationships portrayed in movies, where a relationship is resolved in a 3-minute montage [1, 2].
• Self-Reflection and Growth: The sources suggest that a breakup can provide an opportunity for self-reflection and growth [1, 2]. You may need time alone, or to be with someone new, but the key is to use the time to better understand who you are and what you want without the influence of the previous relationship [1].
• Trusting Your Intuition: While the desire to return to the ex-partner may be strong, the sources suggest that you should trust your intuition [1]. The sources say that you will eventually know, “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1].

In short, the sources suggest that breakup healing is not about quickly finding a resolution, but rather about experiencing the full range of emotions, taking time for self-reflection and personal growth, and trusting your intuition to guide you towards the right path [1, 2].

Letting Go: Emotional Healing After a Breakup

The sources discuss letting go in the context of moving on from a past relationship, emphasizing that it’s a process of emotional experience, self-reflection, and trusting one’s intuition.

• Accepting the Full Range of Emotions: Letting go involves experiencing the full spectrum of emotions associated with a breakup, including sadness and isolation [1, 2]. The sources suggest that you shouldn’t avoid these feelings or try to rush the process [1]. It’s important to allow these emotions to “wash over you” rather than trying to suppress them [2].
• Moving On is a Process: The sources emphasize that moving on is not a quick fix [2]. It’s a process that takes time, and it may be painful and sometimes boring [2]. This is different from how relationships are portrayed in movies or TV, where breakups are resolved quickly [1, 2].
• Self-Reflection and Growth: Letting go provides an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth [1, 2]. The sources suggest that you may need time alone, or to be with someone else, but the time should be used to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of a past relationship [1, 2]. This involves figuring out your own life, not going back to a previous relationship, and letting go of the idea that you need that person in your life [1, 2].
• Trusting Your Intuition: Despite the urge to go back to an ex, the sources suggest trusting your intuition as you navigate the process of letting go [1]. The sources suggest that you will eventually know what the right thing to do is, and whether or not you should try to go back to that person, you will know “all in your gut” [1, 2].
• Real Life vs. Romanticized Relationships: The sources highlight that real-life relationships and breakups are not like those seen in movies and television shows [1, 2]. In real life, relationships are complex, and there is no quick resolution or a tidy happy ending [1, 2]. The process of letting go requires that you take the time to experience the emotions, rather than getting caught up in the “movie” version of a relationship [1, 2].

In essence, letting go is presented as an active process of experiencing the full range of your emotions, taking the time to grow and reflect on what you want in life, and trusting that you will know what is the right thing to do [1, 2]. It’s not about finding a quick resolution, but rather understanding yourself and your needs, and moving forward without the influence of the past relationship.

Healing From Heartbreak

The sources discuss emotional pain in the context of breakups, emphasizing that it is a necessary and unavoidable part of the healing process.

• Unavoidable Part of Healing: The sources state that experiencing emotional pain is an unavoidable part of healing from a breakup [1, 2]. It is important to feel the full range of emotions, such as sadness and isolation, rather than trying to suppress them or avoid them by rushing back to an ex [1]. The source suggests you have to “let it wash over you when you’re doing laundry” [2], which is a metaphor for how you have to let the emotions affect you, even when you are doing mundane tasks.
• Not a Quick Fix: Emotional pain related to a breakup is not something that can be quickly resolved or avoided. The sources suggest that moving on is a process that takes time and involves experiencing pain [1, 2]. This contrasts with the way relationships are often portrayed in movies, where breakups can be quickly resolved in a montage [1, 2].
• Process of Growth: Although painful, emotional pain is a necessary part of personal growth and understanding [1, 2]. The sources imply that you cannot skip this part of the healing process, and you need to feel these emotions rather than trying to avoid them [1]. By experiencing the pain, you can learn more about yourself and what you want in life without the influence of the past relationship [1, 2].
• Trusting Your Intuition: Even when dealing with the emotional pain of a breakup, the sources suggest that you should trust your intuition, and you will eventually know what the right thing to do is [1, 2]. You will know whether or not you should go back to that person or not, but you will only understand that by going through the process of healing and feeling the associated pain [1, 2].

In short, the sources present emotional pain as an essential aspect of breakup healing. It is not something to be avoided or rushed through, but rather something to be experienced fully as part of the process of moving on, self-reflection and personal growth.

Healing After Heartbreak

The sources offer several life lessons related to relationships, breakups, and personal growth. These lessons emphasize the importance of experiencing emotions, self-reflection, and trusting your own intuition.

• Real Life vs. Romanticized Views: The sources emphasize that real-life relationships are not like the ones portrayed in movies or television [1, 2]. Real relationships are complex, require work and individual growth, and do not always have quick or easy resolutions [1]. The “movie” version of love often leads to unrealistic expectations and can make the natural ups and downs of a relationship more difficult to navigate [1].
• The Necessity of Emotional Processing: The sources highlight that it is essential to experience the full spectrum of emotions, including sadness and isolation, during a breakup [1]. These emotions should not be suppressed or avoided. The sources use the metaphor of allowing emotions to “wash over you” to illustrate that these feelings must be experienced to heal [2].
• Personal Growth Through Pain: The sources suggest that pain is a necessary part of the healing process and is linked to personal growth. The pain associated with a breakup should not be avoided, but rather embraced as a chance for self-reflection and understanding [1, 2].
• The Importance of Self-Reflection: Breakups can provide an opportunity to focus on self-reflection and personal growth [1, 2]. The sources suggest you may need time alone, or to be with someone new, but that time should be used to understand who you are and what you want without the influence of the past relationship [1]. It is important to make decisions based on your own needs and desires, rather than on the influence of a previous partner.
• Trusting Your Intuition: The sources emphasize the importance of trusting your intuition as you navigate the healing process [1]. You will know “whether or not you should go for that person, whether or not you want to run back to them, [you] will know all in your gut” [1]. This emphasizes that you have an inner compass that you should pay attention to, rather than being swayed by outside influences, like what you see in movies or TV [1].
• Letting Go is a Process: The sources indicate that letting go is a process that takes time and is not a quick fix [1, 2]. It may involve feeling pain, discomfort, and sometimes boredom, and this must be experienced rather than avoided [2]. The process of moving on is an active process that requires experiencing the full range of emotions, growing as an individual, and trusting that you know the right path for you [1, 2].

In short, the sources suggest that life lessons from breakups involve understanding the difference between real-life relationships and romanticized views, allowing yourself to feel a full range of emotions, using the experience as a chance for self-reflection and personal growth, and trusting your intuition to guide you through the process.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

Affiliate Disclosure: This blog may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you click on the link and make a purchase. This comes at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I believe will add value to my readers. Your support helps keep this blog running and allows me to continue providing you with quality content. Thank you for your support!