The provided text is an excerpt from the book The Art of Letting Go by Ellen Nguyen. It focuses on the author’s explanation for ceasing contact with someone. She emphasizes that this decision wasn’t intended to be hurtful but rather a necessary step for her own well-being and self-preservation. Nguyen explains that she needs time and space to prioritize herself, suggesting that maintaining contact would be detrimental. Ultimately, the passage reveals a personal journey of self-discovery and the importance of setting boundaries.

Study Guide: The Art of Letting Go

Short-Answer Quiz

1. Why does the author state she doesn’t contact the reader anymore?
2. What does the author mean when she says, “I don’t want to give in to that temptation to get it in the end”?
3. According to the author, what is the problem with instant gratification?
4. What does the author feel she needs more time for now and what is her priority?
5. What does the author mean by, “I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions”?
6. Why does she say she doesn’t mind keeping her phone quiet?
7. What did she do at 4am after a party that she regrets?
8. What does the author mean when she says, “I’m not ready for a ‘we’”?
9. Why does she wish someone would break her walls?
10. What is the author willing to wait for now?

Answer Key

1. The author states she doesn’t contact the reader anymore because she doesn’t want to misinterpret her intention. In fact, she had no intention other than she didn’t think of them and it would be genuinely great to hear from them.
2. She means that she does not want to give in to the urge to reconnect with the person, even though she knows that that is something she might want in the moment.
3. The author indicates that instant gratification is something that would potentially ruin her. She is trying to avoid the short-term high in order to not undo her progress.
4. The author feels she needs more time for herself and for her future. Her priority is herself and not focusing on getting involved with someone.
5. The author means that she is capable of turning her thoughts and feelings into tangible actions and she wants to be intentional about the choices she makes.
6. The author feels like she doesn’t need to be readily available and the quiet allows her time to focus on what is important for her.
7. She states she treated the reader poorly after a party at 4am and she says that it was something she would completely throw away.
8. She’s indicating that she’s not ready to be in a romantic relationship, emphasizing her need for independence and self-discovery.
9. She wishes someone would break down her walls because it would help show her how wrong her stubborn mind is and what she might be missing out on.
10. The author is willing to wait for things that are truly important and are not readily available. She is focused on patience and self-control.

Essay Questions

1. Analyze the author’s use of personal experience to explore the themes of self-discovery and growth. How does her narration support her claims?
2. Discuss the role of boundaries and self-preservation in the author’s decision to detach from past connections. How does the concept of “letting go” factor into her self-care?
3. Explore the author’s internal conflict regarding wanting connection while needing independence. How does she balance the need for both in her process?
4. How does the author use the theme of time to convey her growth and understanding? Refer to specific instances of the author’s discussion of the past, present, and future in relation to her self-development.
5. Consider the audience the author may be trying to reach. What are some possible takeaways for other people who read this material?

Glossary of Key Terms

• Instant Gratification: The desire to experience fulfillment or pleasure immediately, without delay or effort.
• Self-Preservation: The act of protecting oneself from harm or negative experiences, whether physical, emotional, or mental.
• Boundaries: Limits or guidelines that individuals establish to define what is acceptable or unacceptable in relationships and interactions.
• Self-Discovery: The process of exploring and understanding one’s own identity, values, beliefs, and motivations.
• Patience: The ability to accept delays and difficulties without becoming upset or frustrated.
• Self-Control: The ability to manage one’s own actions, feelings, and impulses, especially in the face of temptation or difficulty.
• Intent: A mental state of aiming or planning to do something.
• “We”: Refers to a romantic relationship.
• “Not having my cake and eating it too”: The concept that you can’t have everything you want.
• “Keeping my door closed”: The idea that she is emotionally unavailable.

The Art of Letting Go: Self-Growth and Boundaries

Okay, here’s a briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided source, with relevant quotes:

Briefing Document: Analysis of “The Art of Letting Go” Excerpts

Document: Excerpts from “combinepdf.pdf” (Pages 63 and 65) Source Author: Ellen Nguyen Date: 2023/01/27

Overall Theme: The core theme explored in this excerpt is the author’s conscious decision to withdraw from a specific relationship and her justifications for doing so. The piece examines themes of self-preservation, the need for personal growth, and the challenge of breaking established patterns of communication and behavior in intimate connections. The author uses this specific relationship as a lens through which to discuss broader themes of personal growth and self-discovery.

Key Ideas & Facts:

1. Intentional Disconnection:

• Nguyen states explicitly that her lack of contact is not a misunderstanding; it is a deliberate choice. She asserts, “I didn’t contact you because I didn’t want you to misinterpret my intention. In fact, I had no intention other than I thought of you and it would be genuinely great to hear from you. But I knew you would read between the lines, looking for a deeper meaning underneath my hello.” This reveals a calculated approach aimed at preventing misinterpretation.
• She clarifies it is not an act of playing games: “And if I must be honest, I’m really not in a place to deliver any of those things in any shape or form. Nor could I take responsibility for the “I miss you” that I might slip out on the spur of the moment.” This is a further explanation and justification of her chosen disconnection as a way of maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

1. Past Patterns and “The Game”:

• The author implies a history of problematic communication patterns, specifically the need for interpreting “lines”, “deeper meanings” and a general dynamic of “the game.”
• She hints that these interactions led to dissatisfaction: “Like last time when I texted you at 4 o’ clock after a dead party and you told me I could come over, I would’ve totally thrown away all my rationale and found my way back into your arms and probably your bed if it hadn’t been for some circumstantial inconvenience.” This demonstrates a pattern of impulsive reaction that she seeks to break.

1. Focus on Self-Growth & Time for Reflection:

• A significant part of her decision comes from a need for personal space and time: “I now need time for myself. It doesn’t matter how great someone is – at this stage of life, I’m not ready for a ‘we’ and I’m happy being on my own. There are so many things I would like to do for myself and my future and I wouldn’t be able to give it my best if my time and energy were invested elsewhere.” She prioritizes her own well-being and goals above the demands of the relationship.
• She emphasizes her dedication to personal development: “Moreover importantly, I have no clue where I will be in a year or two, I don’t want to get involved with someone and have to shut my door while pursuing them. I like the fact of going through all of this alone and I don’t want to burden it with the people I like.” This reinforces her desire to focus internally rather than get drawn into external commitments.
• She concludes that she must take time to be “grounded for the life I aspire to lead”. This implies a longer term vision of personal progress.

1. The Importance of Honesty and Realistic Expectations:

• The author acknowledges her past tendency to fall back into unhealthy patterns. She openly admits her struggle: “So tell me. What if it happens again? How do I resist your intent, invitation and plan? How could I keep being stupid and making decisions that do me no good? Obviously, I can’t and I won’t.”
• She wants to take an honest approach now: “I won’t give you the intensity and the dreamy, very very well aware that would be the easiest to get lost in the end. But I’m 21 now and I don’t want trouble any more. I’m no longer thrilled by the sign of danger and moments that give me instant gratification but would ultimately ruin me. I’ve been through enough to see our ending before we even begin again so please let me save us the hassles.” This suggests she is learning from past experiences.

1. The Need for Self-Control and Patience:

• Nguyen articulates the importance of self-control and a longer view: “It’s all right, though, I’m 21 now and if there’s anything worthwhile I have learned, it must be about patience and self-control. I will wait and stay grounded for the life I aspire to lead and because I know the things I truly want are not readily available. It takes time. For now, I don’t mind having my phone quiet.” This points to maturity and a willingness to forgo immediate gratification.
• She explicitly states she won’t be breaking her silence: “If there’s no response from me, it doesn’t mean my heart has been immune to human affection. Many times, I have thought and have deleted a text half-way through. Many times, I have waited”.

1. Ambivalence and a Desire for Connection (Yet, With Boundaries):

• Nguyen demonstrates a struggle with conflicting desires. While she has made a clear decision to withdraw, she does acknowledge a deep-seated wish to be pursued in a particular way: “Many times, I have wished that someone would try to break my walls and show my stubborn mind how wrong it could be. Because my door might be closed but it’s not locked yet.” This implies an ongoing internal conflict.
• She reveals a desire to be desired and pursued in a traditional sense, “After all, I’m still a woman and sometimes a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled, but I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too.” This shows that while she has made this decision for herself, it was not a simple one without conflicting feelings.

Conclusion:

These excerpts from Ellen Nguyen’s “The Art of Letting Go” reveal a complex and thoughtful process of self-examination and boundary-setting. She moves beyond the typical tropes of relationship drama and instead provides a rationale that is rooted in personal growth, the need for self-control, and the recognition that some patterns of relating are detrimental. Her reflections provide valuable insight into the choices involved in creating healthy personal boundaries and prioritizing one’s own well-being.

Prioritizing Self-Growth: A Period of Solitude

FAQ

1. Why has the author chosen not to contact people anymore? The author explains that their lack of contact is not intended to misinterpret their feelings or indicate ill will. Rather, it’s driven by a desire for self-focus and personal growth. They recognize their need for time alone, to focus on themselves and their future, and to avoid getting pulled back into patterns of behavior or relationships that they aren’t ready for. The author is at a stage where they need to prioritize their own needs and well-being.
2. What does the author mean by “paltry items having no self-respect whatsoever”? The phrase “paltry items having no self respect whatsoever” is used to describe the feelings and behaviors the author wishes to avoid, specifically the urge to reach out to someone for comfort or validation, which they consider a pattern that is not self-respectful. It implies giving in to temporary desires rather than adhering to a path that is better for them in the long run.
3. The author mentions “giving in to instant gratification”. How does this relate to their lack of contact? The author relates giving in to instant gratification to their past patterns of contact. They recognize that reaching out to someone in the past was often driven by a desire for immediate comfort or attention, rather than a genuine need for connection. Now, they’re consciously choosing to delay those impulses and not give in to the easy but ultimately unhealthy path of instant gratification that can derail their plans.
4. What does the author mean by “I’m not ready for a “we””? When the author says they’re “not ready for a “we””, they’re referring to a commitment or shared existence with another person or even the idea of a relationship. They acknowledge that they need to grow as an individual first, that their own personal development is the priority. They can’t fully give to or receive from a partnership until they are more established and settled in their own life. They are on a path to prioritize self growth, and are not in a space to prioritize another person in their life.
5. What does the author mean by ” I have to shut my door while I am doing this and that isn’t to hurt anyone”? The “shutting my door” metaphorically refers to the author’s need to create boundaries and isolate themselves for a time to fully concentrate on their own life and goals. They’re acknowledging that their need for space might be misconstrued as intentional hurt, but clarifying that it is a crucial part of their personal growth process and not a reflection of their feelings for others. They understand that being intentional with their time and energy and not giving in to outside influences is a necessary form of self-care.
6. How does the concept of time relate to the author’s current choices and mindset? Time is a central theme. The author emphasizes the need for patience and self-control, understanding that their goals won’t be achieved instantly and that they must trust the process of life unfolding at its own pace. They realize that some things worth pursuing require time and effort and will not always come easy. They are focused on a long-term vision for themselves and are not rushing to be anywhere or with anyone they aren’t ready for.
7. What does the author mean when they say their phone is “quiet”? The phrase “my phone quiet” signifies that they have detached from the constant communication, validation, and distractions that are often a part of modern life. It suggests that they are actively avoiding the urge to respond to texts or calls, seeking a more peaceful existence by distancing themselves from instant digital interactions. This quietness helps to cultivate the space they need to prioritize self growth.
8. The author mentions their “stubborn mind”. What does this imply about their communication with others? The author mentions their “stubborn mind” as a barrier to connection and external influence and recognizes the need to be open to having their stubbornness challenged. This acknowledges that the author is not always right and that other people may be able to add value to the author’s life by challenging their current state. They recognize that while maintaining their boundaries is important, they should be open to the possibility that external perspective could be valuable at the right time.

No Contact: A Deliberate Choice

The source discusses the reasons why the author does not contact someone anymore [1].

• The author states that the lack of contact is not meant to be misinterpreted, but rather, it is because they do not want to contact the person [1].
• The author does not want to have any more of the “lines, looking for meaning, morning underneath my lids” [1]. They would prefer to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” with this person [1].
• The author admits they might slip up on the spur of the moment [1].
• The author is currently not ready for a relationship and is “happy being on my own” [1]. They want to “do for myself and my future” and feel they can not give their best energy and time to someone else [1].
• The author also feels that they have “to have no clue where I will be in a year or two” and doesn’t want to get involved with someone who will have to wait while they figure things out [1].
• The author states they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like” [1]. They state that they “want to make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions” [1].
• The author mentions that they have thought about contacting the person, but has deleted many messages [1].
• The author reflects that it is “all right” that the things they want are not readily available, and they will wait and stay grounded [2].
• The author acknowledges that they are still stubborn and acknowledges that someone could break down their walls, but they are not ready for that yet [2].
• The author feels that sometimes, “a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled, but I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too” [2].
• Ultimately, the author does not mind having their phone quiet [2].

Emotional Exhaustion and Avoidance

The source discusses the author’s emotional state and reasons for avoiding contact, which can be linked to emotional exhaustion [1, 2].

• The author states they do not want to have any more of the “lines, looking for meaning, morning underneath my lids” [1]. This suggests a weariness with the emotional labor involved in maintaining a connection and trying to interpret its meaning.
• They mention they are not ready for a “a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own [1]. This indicates they are emotionally drained from past experiences and want to focus on their own well-being.
• The author wants to “do for myself and my future” and feels they can not give their best energy and time to someone else [1]. This reveals that they are currently prioritizing self-care due to emotional fatigue.
• The author feels they have “to have no clue where I will be in a year or two” and doesn’t want to get involved with someone who will have to wait while they figure things out [1]. This could imply that they don’t want to be responsible for another person’s emotional well-being while they are uncertain of their own path, suggesting an emotional exhaustion that prevents them from being fully available.
• The author states they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like” [1]. They want to “make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions” [1]. This points to an awareness of their own limitations and an avoidance of making commitments they might not be able to fulfill due to emotional depletion.
• The author acknowledges that they have thought about contacting the person, but has deleted many messages [1]. This internal struggle suggests the emotional difficulty of deciding what to do, and potentially suggests emotional exhaustion from the mental effort of managing these feelings.
• The author states they are still stubborn and acknowledges that someone could break down their walls, but they are not ready for that yet [2]. This suggests an emotional reserve and a need to protect themselves, possibly due to past experiences or a current state of exhaustion.
• The author also acknowledges the desire to have a partner, but recognizes they are currently unable to fulfill those desires [2]. This could be seen as emotionally draining to have these wants but not the ability to act on them.
• The author does not mind having their phone quiet [2]. This could be related to emotional exhaustion or the need to have time and space to recover.

Setting Boundaries: Prioritizing Self-Discovery

The source provides insights into the author’s process of setting boundaries, particularly in the context of a past relationship or connection.

• The author’s decision not to contact someone is a way of setting a clear boundary. This action is not to be misinterpreted, but rather is a conscious choice made by the author [1].
• The author states they do not want “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” with the other person [1]. This indicates a boundary they’ve set to avoid the emotional labor and commitment that comes with those types of interactions.
• The author also explicitly states they are “not ready for a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own [1]. This highlights a boundary they’ve set around their personal space and emotional availability for a relationship.
• The author is prioritizing their own needs by saying they want to “do for myself and my future,” which also shows a boundary in place [1]. They recognize that giving their time and energy to someone else would hinder their current self-focused goals.
• The author also sets boundaries by not wanting to get involved with someone while they are still figuring out where they will be in the near future [1]. They are not willing to involve someone else in their uncertain future.
• The author’s statement that they are “not ready to get involved with the people I like,” further demonstrates a boundary around emotional involvement [1]. They are self-aware enough to understand their limitations and avoid making promises that they can’t keep.
• The act of deleting text messages instead of sending them shows another boundary in place [1]. The author is actively managing their impulses and maintaining distance.
• The author notes that, while someone could break down their walls, they are not yet ready for that [2]. This indicates a firm boundary set around their emotional vulnerability.
• The author acknowledges their desire for a relationship, but recognizes that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too” [2]. This acceptance is a boundary to balance desires with the ability to fulfill those desires.
• The author does not mind having their phone quiet, which signals a boundary of comfort in solitude [2]. This is a conscious choice to distance and not be available.
• The author’s statements overall highlight a theme of setting boundaries to protect themselves from emotional exhaustion and to prioritize self-discovery [1, 2].

Self-Preservation in Action

The source demonstrates several instances of the author engaging in self-preservation.

• The author’s primary act of self-preservation is their decision not to contact the other person. They explicitly state this is a conscious choice, not a misinterpretation [1]. This active choice is intended to protect the author from potential emotional strain or entanglement.
• The author’s desire to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” demonstrates their attempt to avoid the emotional labor of maintaining a connection [1]. This is an act of self-preservation by limiting their emotional exposure and potential stress.
• The author’s acknowledgment that they are not ready for a “we” is a significant step in self-preservation [1]. By prioritizing their own space and emotional well-being, they protect themselves from the potential demands and complexities of a relationship.
• The author’s desire to focus on “doing for myself and my future” is another indication of self-preservation [1]. They are directing their energy and attention towards their own development and goals rather than being drained by external factors.
• The author’s statement that they need to have “no clue where I will be in a year or two” and do not want to involve someone else in this uncertainty is another way of putting their needs first [1]. This protects them from the added pressure of another person’s expectations while they are still navigating their own path.
• The author’s recognition that they are not ready to get involved with people they like is a clear act of self-preservation [1]. They are aware of their emotional limitations and protect themselves and others by not making promises they can’t keep.
• The author also engages in self-preservation by deleting messages they have written rather than sending them [1]. This prevents impulsive actions and protects them from potentially difficult or emotionally draining situations.
• The author acknowledges their stubbornness and resistance to letting someone break down their walls [1, 2]. This emotional reserve is a form of self-preservation, as it shields them from vulnerability until they are ready.
• The author’s recognition that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too,” highlights a balanced understanding between their wants and their capacity, which is a self-preservative action [2].
• The author’s acceptance of a quiet phone indicates self-preservation by choosing solitude and space for themselves [2]. This choice allows for rest and recovery, ultimately contributing to their emotional well-being.
• Overall, these points reveal that the author is actively making choices to protect their emotional and mental health. These choices help them to avoid emotional exhaustion, while prioritizing self-discovery, and ultimately demonstrating a commitment to self-preservation.

Prioritizing Well-being

The source emphasizes the author’s active prioritization of their well-being through various actions and statements.

• The author’s decision not to contact the other person is a primary example of prioritizing their well-being. The author states this decision is a conscious choice, not a misinterpretation, to protect themselves from potential emotional strain or entanglement [1].
• The author’s desire to avoid “an active interest, an initiation, a plan” shows that they want to avoid the emotional labor of maintaining a connection, and that they are prioritizing their own well-being by limiting emotional exposure and potential stress [1].
• By stating they are “not ready for a ‘we’” and are happy being on their own, the author is prioritizing their own space and emotional well-being and protecting themselves from the potential demands and complexities of a relationship [1].
• The author’s focus on “doing for myself and my future” clearly indicates they are prioritizing their personal development and goals rather than being drained by external factors [1].
• The author’s acknowledgement that they need to have “no clue where I will be in a year or two” and not wanting to involve someone else is another way of putting their needs first. They are protecting themselves from the added pressure of another person’s expectations while still navigating their own path [1].
• By stating that they are not ready to get involved with people they like, the author is prioritizing their well-being by being aware of their emotional limitations and avoiding making promises they can’t keep [1].
• The author engages in self-preservation by deleting messages they have written rather than sending them, which prevents impulsive actions and protects them from potentially difficult or emotionally draining situations [1].
• The author’s acknowledgement of their stubbornness and resistance to letting someone break down their walls indicates a desire to protect their emotional vulnerability until they are ready [2].
• The author also understands that they “can’t have my cake and eat it too,” highlighting a balanced understanding between their wants and their capacity, and therefore, they prioritize their well-being over fleeting desires [2].
• The author’s acceptance of a quiet phone indicates they are prioritizing self-preservation by choosing solitude and space for themselves [2]. This choice allows for rest and recovery, and contributes to their overall emotional well-being [2].
• The author demonstrates an understanding of the need for patience and self-control and the desire to stay “grounded” while they work toward their goals and the things they want, which shows that the author is prioritizing their long-term well-being [2].
• Overall, the author’s choices and statements demonstrate a commitment to protecting their emotional and mental health, avoiding emotional exhaustion, and prioritizing self-discovery.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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