No one expects playground cruelty to follow them into adulthood, yet bullying doesn’t end when the school bell rings for the last time. For many adults, the sting of demeaning behavior, subtle manipulation, or overt aggression lingers well into their professional and personal lives. Adult bullying is a quiet epidemic—often dismissed, misinterpreted, or swept under the rug—but its psychological impact can be just as severe as childhood torment.
Whether it happens in the workplace, social circles, or even family settings, adult bullying operates in insidious ways. Unlike childhood bullying, adult perpetrators often disguise their tactics behind a mask of professionalism, charm, or authority. Victims may struggle with confusion, guilt, or self-doubt, unsure of how to respond without worsening the situation. As Dr. Gary Namie, founder of the Workplace Bullying Institute, explains, “Adult bullying is about control—dominating others without regard for their dignity.”
Understanding the different forms and manifestations of adult bullying is the first step to reclaiming your power. This post provides an in-depth, research-based guide on how to identify, confront, and ultimately navigate the complex terrain of adult bullying. Drawing from psychological literature and expert insight, you’ll find practical tools to protect your mental health and stand up for yourself with confidence.
1- An overview of adult bullying
Adult bullying, unlike its adolescent counterpart, often wears a more sophisticated mask. It can come cloaked in sarcasm, passive-aggressive remarks, exclusion, or subtle sabotage. The adult bully may not shove you into lockers, but they can manipulate your reputation, gaslight your experiences, or undermine your achievements in a professional or social context. According to the American Psychological Association, adult bullying is defined as the repeated, intentional harm inflicted through words, behaviors, or actions, which can create long-term psychological distress for the victim.
These harmful behaviors aren’t confined to any one setting. They can take place at work, in romantic relationships, within families, or among supposed friends. The consequences are far-reaching—leading to anxiety, depression, chronic stress, and even PTSD. In her book The Bully at Work, Ruth Namie explains that “the adult bully seeks power through humiliation.” Recognizing these patterns is vital not only for victims but for society at large, as the normalization of such behavior erodes trust and damages collective well-being.
2- Adult bully with narcissistic traits
A narcissistic adult bully is often the most deceptive. On the surface, they may seem charming, successful, and articulate. Underneath that veneer, however, lies a fragile ego desperate for admiration and dominance. Narcissistic bullies use manipulation, gaslighting, and blame-shifting to assert control. Their tactics often leave victims questioning their reality, which is part of the psychological game. According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, narcissists “can’t handle criticism of any kind and are driven to devalue those who pose a threat to their image.”
The danger with narcissistic bullies is their ability to recruit others to their side. Through a calculated performance, they create a false narrative that paints them as the victim. As a result, targets may find themselves isolated, doubting their own instincts. For those facing this form of bullying, knowledge is power. Understanding the traits of narcissistic behavior allows individuals to disengage from the emotional trap and seek support from those who see through the facade.
3- Impulsive adult bully
Impulsive bullies act out of immediate frustration or rage, often without any foresight or emotional regulation. They’re known for their unpredictable outbursts—shouting in meetings, storming out of conversations, or launching personal attacks when provoked. Unlike the calculated nature of a narcissistic bully, the impulsive type thrives on the intensity of the moment. Psychologist Daniel Goleman, in Emotional Intelligence, notes that “poor impulse control is a key marker of emotional immaturity.”
Because their behavior is sporadic, others may make excuses for them: “They’re just having a bad day.” But the pattern reveals itself over time. The consistent volatility creates a climate of fear, especially in professional environments. Victims often walk on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering the bully. To deal with such individuals, setting firm boundaries and seeking mediation when necessary is crucial to maintaining psychological safety and professional integrity.
4- Physical adult bully
While less common than other forms, physical bullying among adults does occur and should never be minimized. It may manifest as intimidating gestures, invading personal space, unwanted physical contact, or, in extreme cases, outright violence. Such behavior crosses legal boundaries and should be documented and reported immediately. Physical bullying is not a sign of strength but of desperation—an attempt to dominate through fear when verbal or emotional manipulation fails.
Victims of physical bullying often suffer in silence due to fear of retaliation or disbelief. However, resources are available. Legal protections, workplace policies, and support from advocacy groups can provide necessary recourse. As emphasized in The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, “abuse—verbal or physical—is never justified. It is always the abuser’s choice.” Recognizing this truth empowers individuals to seek justice and safety without shame or self-blame.
5- Verbal adult bully
Words can be weapons, and verbal bullies wield them with precision. Whether it’s sarcasm disguised as humor, subtle jabs, constant criticism, or demeaning language, verbal abuse leaves psychological scars that often go unnoticed. Verbal bullies erode confidence and manipulate perception through persistent negativity. According to Dr. Steven Stosny, author of Living and Loving After Betrayal, verbal aggression “conditions the target to expect harm, keeping them in a state of hyper-vigilance.”
The damage inflicted by verbal bullying is cumulative. Over time, it can cause anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. The key to combating this behavior lies in awareness and assertiveness. Setting clear verbal boundaries and calling out disrespectful language—calmly but firmly—can disrupt the cycle. In many cases, it also helps to involve a neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor, to provide validation and guidance.
6- Secondary adult bullies
Secondary bullies are individuals who may not initiate harmful behavior but join in once someone else begins the bullying. Their motivation can be fear, desire for acceptance, or a lack of moral courage. These individuals contribute to the bullying dynamic by laughing at cruel jokes, spreading rumors, or silently standing by. As noted by Dr. Philip Zimbardo in The Lucifer Effect, group dynamics and peer pressure can heavily influence moral decision-making, sometimes causing people to act against their values.
The complicity of secondary bullies often amplifies the impact on the victim. Their involvement reinforces the primary bully’s power and deepens the isolation of the target. One way to address this is to appeal to their conscience privately. Encouraging them to reflect on their role may prompt some to withdraw from the bullying dynamic or even become allies. Creating a culture of accountability—where silence is no longer neutral—is essential in dismantling such toxic behavior.
7- How to deal with adult bullies
Confronting an adult bully is not about retaliation; it’s about reclaiming your dignity. The first step is recognizing the pattern. Once you understand what’s happening, it’s easier to respond strategically rather than emotionally. As Dr. Barbara Coloroso writes in The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander, “It’s not about fighting back—it’s about standing up.” This means calmly setting boundaries, documenting incidents, and deciding which battles are worth addressing directly.
Dealing with adult bullies also requires emotional resilience. It’s important to protect your peace without internalizing the bully’s behavior. When possible, involve HR, seek legal advice, or confide in someone you trust. You don’t need to go through it alone. Equipping yourself with coping strategies, such as mindfulness and assertiveness training, can make all the difference in maintaining your self-respect in hostile environments.
8- Distance
Creating emotional and physical distance is one of the most effective tools against bullying. This doesn’t always mean quitting your job or cutting ties overnight—but it does mean identifying the toxic dynamics and limiting exposure wherever possible. Distance provides clarity. As psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud suggests in Boundaries, “You are not only responsible for your heart but also for guarding it from toxicity.”
Minimizing interactions with a bully sends a silent but strong message: you refuse to engage on their terms. It might involve choosing different seating arrangements, reducing communication to essential topics, or even shifting departments if feasible. Protecting your space allows healing to begin and gives you the bandwidth to decide your next steps thoughtfully, rather than out of emotional exhaustion.
9- Seek support
Support is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. Dealing with adult bullying alone can lead to burnout, depression, and hopelessness. Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, therapists, or online communities reminds you that you’re not alone. As Brené Brown emphasizes in Daring Greatly, “Connection is why we’re here; it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
Support systems also offer perspective. A friend can help you discern whether you’re overreacting—or underreacting. A therapist can guide you toward healthy coping mechanisms. Advocacy groups can validate your experience and offer legal or procedural advice. The right kind of support transforms you from a passive recipient of abuse into an empowered individual with options and a voice.
10- Document the bullying
Documentation is a powerful ally when dealing with bullies, especially in professional environments. Keeping detailed records of what was said or done, when, and in what context provides credibility to your claims. As employment law expert Dr. Lisa Guerin notes in Workplace Harassment, “Without documentation, it’s your word against theirs.”
Create a secure, dated log of incidents. Save emails, take screenshots, and note witnesses if applicable. This evidence can be invaluable if you escalate the issue to HR, legal advisors, or even law enforcement. Keeping records also helps clarify patterns, making it easier to recognize how the bullying affects you over time. It’s a form of self-protection and an act of self-advocacy.
11- Work on your confidence
Bullies often target individuals they perceive as vulnerable. While this perception is often false, cultivating self-confidence can serve as both armor and weapon. Confidence is not arrogance; it’s the quiet knowledge of your worth. In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden emphasizes, “The reputation you have with yourself—not others—is the single most important factor in your self-confidence.”
Working on your confidence may involve therapy, self-reflection, or engaging in activities that reinforce your strengths. Public speaking, assertiveness training, or setting small, consistent goals can shift your internal dialogue. Confidence doesn’t prevent bullying—but it changes how you respond to it. You stop absorbing the poison and start recognizing the problem as external, not internal.
12- Talk with the bully
While it may feel daunting, confronting the bully directly—if safe to do so—can sometimes shift the power dynamic. The key is to remain calm, concise, and assertive. Avoid emotional escalation. Use “I” statements rather than accusations: “I feel disrespected when…” rather than “You’re always rude.” This reframes the conversation and avoids unnecessary defensiveness.
Not all bullies will be receptive, but some might be unaware of the impact of their behavior. A clear, respectful conversation can sometimes lead to behavioral change or, at the very least, reduced hostility. Always assess the risks first. If the bully is volatile or high-ranking, consider bringing a mediator or supervisor into the discussion for accountability and structure.
13- Talk to HR
When bullying occurs in the workplace, Human Resources should be your formal line of defense. Presenting a well-documented case to HR gives you institutional backing. Many companies have policies specifically designed to address workplace harassment, and HR departments are required to investigate claims seriously.
Approach HR with clarity and professionalism. Stick to the facts, provide your documentation, and explain how the behavior affects your work. As advised in The Essential HR Handbook by Sharon Armstrong and Barbara Mitchell, “HR is there to protect both the company and the employee, and clear communication is your best tool.” If HR is unresponsive, consider external legal advice or contacting labor boards.
14- Make eye contact
Eye contact is a subtle yet powerful tool in establishing presence. Bullies often rely on intimidation or dominance, and direct eye contact signals that you’re not easily shaken. It shows confidence and can sometimes catch a bully off guard. According to Dr. Amy Cuddy in Presence, “Holding your gaze projects authority and signals that you value yourself.”
Maintaining eye contact doesn’t mean staring aggressively. It’s about being grounded and fully present. In social or workplace settings, pairing eye contact with calm, clear speech can disrupt the power imbalance. It reminds the bully—and yourself—that you’re not afraid to stand your ground.
15- Know that they might not change
One of the hardest truths to accept is that some bullies never change. Whether due to deep-rooted personality disorders, a need for control, or simply a refusal to self-reflect, some individuals are committed to their harmful behaviors. Recognizing this early can help you redirect your energy from trying to fix them to focusing on protecting yourself. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula writes in “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”, narcissistic personalities often lack the insight or empathy needed for real change.
Expecting transformation from a chronic bully can lead to disappointment and emotional exhaustion. Instead, shift your focus to what you can control: boundaries, support systems, and exit strategies. Accepting that change may not come from them empowers you to find healing through distance and clarity rather than false hope.
16- Pick and choose your battles
Not every confrontation is worth your time or energy. Choosing your battles wisely allows you to conserve emotional resources and avoid unnecessary escalation. If the offense is minor or unintentional, it might be more strategic to let it slide. However, if the behavior is consistent and harmful, then addressing it becomes necessary. The art of discernment is essential here.
As Sun Tzu wisely advised in The Art of War, “He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.” Emotional intelligence plays a key role—knowing when silence is strength and when speech is self-defense. Evaluating the cost and impact of each situation helps you respond proportionately and intentionally, not reactively.
17- Have support
Reinforcement from others provides both emotional validation and practical strength. Whether it’s colleagues backing your claims, friends offering encouragement, or professional allies standing beside you, support creates a buffer against the psychological toll of bullying. People who stand with you can amplify your voice and lend you courage when yours wavers.
Author Malcolm Gladwell, in David and Goliath, discusses how underdogs gain strength through unconventional alliances and perspectives. Similarly, your support system doesn’t need to be large—it needs to be present. Even one person standing beside you can make a world of difference when facing adversity.
18- Escape if you can
Sometimes, the healthiest response is to walk away. If your workplace or social circle is fundamentally toxic and unresponsive to change, then removing yourself from that environment is not weakness—it’s wisdom. Dr. Edith Eger, Holocaust survivor and author of The Choice, states, “Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is leave.”
Escaping doesn’t mean running away—it means choosing self-preservation over chronic suffering. Whether it’s switching jobs, relocating, or ending a friendship, exit strategies are essential tools in reclaiming your well-being. Prioritize your peace. No opportunity or relationship is worth your mental health.
19- Try not to react
Bullies often thrive on emotional reactions—they provoke to dominate. When you remain calm and composed, you deny them the satisfaction of control. Practicing emotional regulation techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and mental rehearsal can help you stay grounded during tense moments.
As Viktor E. Frankl said in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” Exercising that space gives you power. It turns you from a target into a strategist, preserving your self-respect while disarming your aggressor.
20- Think about your body language
Your posture, facial expressions, and tone all convey silent messages. Confident body language can serve as a deterrent to bullying. Stand tall, maintain eye contact, and avoid fidgeting—these nonverbal cues reinforce that you are not easily intimidated. As Amy Cuddy explains in Presence, “Our bodies change our minds, and our minds can change our behavior.”
Even if you don’t feel confident, adopting strong body language can help you project authority and reinforce inner strength. Avoid crossing your arms or looking down when confronted; instead, face the person with calm composure. Your physical presence can speak louder than words.
21- Don’t get physical
Physical retaliation not only escalates conflict but can lead to legal consequences. No matter how provoked you feel, responding with violence can damage your reputation and weaken your case if the bullying is addressed legally. Physical self-control is key to keeping the moral high ground and ensuring your safety.
Instead, de-escalate the situation verbally or remove yourself from the setting. If you feel physically threatened, report the incident immediately to the proper authorities. Following the law, not your impulse, ensures you remain protected and credible throughout the process.
22- Don’t take it personally
A bully’s behavior says more about them than about you. Internalizing their cruelty can lead to shame and self-doubt. Instead, try to detach emotionally and view the behavior as a reflection of their unresolved issues. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Reframing your mindset helps reduce the psychological sting. Practice self-affirmation and remind yourself of your values and accomplishments. When you refuse to take their words to heart, you strip their power. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is your greatest act of resistance.
23- What to do if you’re a bystander
Bystanders have immense power—silence can condone, but intervention can disrupt. If you witness adult bullying, speak up. This doesn’t always mean direct confrontation; it can also mean checking in with the victim privately or reporting the behavior to a superior. As psychologist Christina Salmivalli highlights in her research, peer intervention is one of the most effective deterrents to bullying behavior.
Being a proactive bystander fosters a culture of accountability. Model kindness, encourage empathy, and don’t let cruelty pass unchallenged. Sometimes, your small action can be the turning point in someone else’s experience of feeling seen and supported.
24- Question
One subtle yet powerful tactic is to question the bully’s behavior. Responding with curiosity rather than emotion can throw them off balance. For example, asking, “Why did you say that?” or “Do you think that was appropriate?” shifts the dynamic and forces them to reflect on their words.
This technique also brings hidden hostility into the open without directly attacking the bully. It puts the focus on their behavior and can sometimes lead to self-awareness—or at least deter them from repeating the offense in front of you again. Strategic questioning is a form of quiet power.
25- Remember, there is strength in numbers
Facing a bully alone is daunting, but collective action dilutes their power. When victims and bystanders unite, the bully loses control over the narrative. Whether it’s organizing a group meeting, collecting multiple testimonies, or showing solidarity through group support, unity offers both emotional strength and institutional weight.
This principle is echoed in Tribes by Seth Godin, who emphasizes the strength of shared voices in creating change. A community—even a small one—creates leverage. You’re not meant to stand alone, and when others rally beside you, real transformation becomes possible.
26- Be good company
Whether you’re a target, a bystander, or simply trying to prevent a toxic environment, strive to be a source of empathy and inclusion. Setting a standard of kindness and accountability raises the bar for others. You can be the reason someone feels safe at work or in social settings.
Being good company also builds emotional resilience. Surrounding yourself with ethical, encouraging individuals counters the negative effects of bullying. As psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized, “What is most personal is most universal”—your kindness can ripple further than you realize.
27- Check in
If you suspect someone is being bullied—or even if you’re unsure—check in with them. A simple “Are you okay?” or “I noticed something, and I want to make sure you’re alright” can make a significant difference. Many victims feel invisible, and your outreach can validate their experience.
Checking in builds trust and opens the door to action. It tells the person they’re not alone, and it encourages them to speak up. In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga argue that interpersonal relationships are the key to personal liberation—and it starts with one act of concern.
28- What to do if you’re a perpetrator
If you’ve realized you’ve been bullying others—intentionally or not—it’s not too late to change. The first step is acknowledgment. Reflect on your behavior, the harm it may have caused, and the patterns that led you there. Seek therapy or anger management if necessary. Change begins with the courage to confront your flaws.
Apologizing sincerely and adjusting your behavior can rebuild broken trust. Commit to treating others with respect, even under stress. Books like Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach can guide you through self-awareness and compassion—not just for others, but for yourself as you work to become better.
29- Mental health effects of bullying
Adult bullying can leave deep emotional scars—anxiety, depression, PTSD, and low self-esteem are common outcomes. Victims may also experience physical symptoms like insomnia, digestive issues, or headaches. According to the American Psychological Association, the psychological damage from bullying can persist for years if left unaddressed.
Seeking professional help is essential. Therapy provides a safe space to process trauma and rebuild a sense of self. Recovery isn’t just about surviving bullying—it’s about thriving beyond it. Engaging in mental wellness practices, joining support groups, and cultivating self-compassion are vital steps on the road to healing.
Conclusion
Adult bullying is an insidious issue that often flies under the radar, masked by power dynamics, social politics, and emotional manipulation. Whether it’s subtle jabs in the workplace or overt harassment in personal settings, its impact on mental and emotional well-being can be profound and lasting. But knowledge is power—and armed with awareness, strategy, and support, individuals can protect themselves, speak out, and reclaim their peace.
Ultimately, handling adult bullying isn’t about winning a war—it’s about preserving your inner stability, dignity, and well-being. By recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and building a community of support, you can navigate even the most toxic dynamics with grace and strength. As Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Let that be the cornerstone of your courage and the starting point of your healing.
By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog
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