What Women Want—What Men Want: Sex Differences in Love and Commitment

John Marshall Townsend’s 1998 book, What Women Want—What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, examines the persistent differences in how men and women approach relationships, sex, and commitment. Drawing on social science research and numerous interviews, Townsend argues against purely social explanations for these differences, suggesting a significant influence of biology and evolutionary psychology. The book explores various aspects of heterosexual relationships, including partner selection criteria, sexual behavior, marital expectations, and infidelity, often highlighting the contrasting desires and vulnerabilities of men and women. Ultimately, it seeks to understand the fundamental reasons behind these differing perspectives on love and commitment.

Sex Differences: Evolutionary Psychology

The sources discuss sex differences in psychology, particularly in the context of sexuality, mate selection, and relationships. The author argues that while social factors influence sexual attitudes and behaviors, there is a biological substratum for our sexuality that differs between men and women. The book emphasizes evolutionary explanations for these differences, noting that they are often neglected in social science.

Here are some key aspects of sex differences in psychology discussed in the sources:

• Basic Sex Differences in Sexuality:
• Men’s sexual activity tends to be more regular and less discontinuous than women’s. If men are not having intercourse, they often substitute with masturbation, and nocturnal emissions may increase.
• Men are more readily aroused by visual stimuli, the sight of attractive strangers, fantasies about them, and the anticipation of new sexual techniques and variations in partners’ physique. These factors have less significance for the average woman.
• Studies across different decades, including Kinsey’s, Blumstein and Schwartz’s, and others in the 1980s and 1990s, have consistently found that men tend to have more sexual partners than women and are more oriented toward genital sex and less toward affection and cuddling. Women, in contrast, prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships.
• Men exhibit a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex.
• Research suggests that high school and college-age men are aroused more frequently (two to three times daily, often visually stimulated) and masturbate more often (several times a week) than women (aroused once or twice a week, rarely by sight alone, masturbating about once a week).
• Sex Differences in Mate Selection:
• For over twenty years, research has indicated that men emphasize physical attractiveness and women stress socioeconomic status when choosing partners. This pattern has been observed in college students, married couples, and across thirty-seven cultures.
• Women prioritize qualities like earning capacity, social status, and job prestige in potential mates, while men prioritize youth and beauty.
• Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, and the quality of emotional communication, whereas men’s satisfaction correlates with their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
• Women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness can change as they move through different life stages and professional environments, with factors like intelligence, education, and career ambition becoming more important in professional settings.
• Emotional Reactions and Investment:
• Evolutionary psychologists argue that fundamental sexual desires and emotional reactions differ between men and women, even if socialized identically.
• Women’s negative emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as protective, guiding them toward men who will invest more in them. Thoughts of marriage and romance direct women toward higher-investment relationships.
• Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often accompanied by graphic fantasies, while women’s jealousy focuses more on the threat of losing the relationship and their partner investing resources in someone else. This difference is linked to men’s concern about paternity certainty.
• Parenting:
• Some theories suggest that women have different biological predispositions for parenting compared to men, potentially due to hormonal and neurological differences and the historical sexual division of labor. Women are often more concerned about the quality of childcare and their children’s emotional development.
• Cognitive Differences:
• Men’s and women’s brains are organized differently, with potential links to differences in language skills (stronger in women) and spatial perception (potentially stronger in men).
• The Evolutionary vs. Social Constructionist Debate:
• The author acknowledges the strong influence of the idea that early childhood training determines sex differences but argues that no study has definitively shown that differential training produces basic sex differences in sexuality and partner selection.
• The book presents evidence that sex differences in sexuality persist even among individuals and groups who have consciously rejected traditional sex roles, such as homosexual men and women, communes, and women in high-status careers. In fact, these differences are often more pronounced in homosexual relationships.
• The evolutionary perspective explains these differences in terms of the different risks and opportunities men and women have faced in mating throughout human history, particularly regarding parental investment.
• The book critiques the social constructionist view, which posits that sex differences are primarily learned through socialization, arguing that it often lacks empirical support and fails to account for the consistency of these differences across cultures and in groups that defy traditional roles.
• Universality of Sex Differences:
• The author suggests that these sex differences appear to exist across different cultures, even in societies with varying levels of sexual permissiveness and different social structures, as seen in comparisons of Samoa and China with Western societies. For example, universally, men more often pay for sex, indicating a difference in sexual desire and valuation.
• Implications for Relationships:
• The fundamental differences in desires and goals between men and women necessitate compromise and negotiation in heterosexual relationships. Recognizing these differences is crucial for building realistic expectations and navigating conflict.

In conclusion, the source material strongly argues for the existence of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, particularly in the realms of sexuality and mate selection, with a significant emphasis on evolutionary explanations for these persistent and cross-culturally observed patterns. While acknowledging the influence of social factors, the book contends that biological predispositions play a crucial role in shaping these psychological differences, which have important implications for understanding heterosexual relationships.

Man-Woman Relationships: Evolutionary Psychology Perspectives

The sources discuss man-woman relationships extensively, highlighting the fundamental differences in how men and women approach sexuality, mate selection, and commitment. According to the author, these differences are intrinsic and likely to persist despite societal changes. The book argues for an evolutionary psychology perspective, suggesting that differing reproductive strategies have led to distinct sexual psychologies in men and women.

Fundamental Differences in Desires and Goals:

• Sexuality: The sources indicate that men and women often have different goals and experiences in sexual relationships. Men, on average, tend to dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. They are often more aroused by visual stimuli and express a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex. In contrast, women traditionally desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Many women prefer sex within emotional, stable, monogamous relationships. As one woman, Joan, expressed, she seeks a relationship with communication and finds men’s focus on immediate sex incomprehensible. Claire, a professional woman, suggests that sex can be a comfort for men in times of loneliness, while for women, it is often more of a celebration that is enhanced when they are feeling good and connected.
• Mate Selection: Significant sex differences exist in mate preferences. Men tend to emphasize physical attractiveness and cues of youth and fertility when choosing partners. Women, on the other hand, often stress socioeconomic status, ambition, earning capacity, and job prestige in potential mates, viewing these as signs of a man’s ability to invest. Women’s satisfaction in relationships correlates with their partners’ ambition and success, as well as the quality of emotional communication, while men’s satisfaction is more linked to their perception of their partners’ physical attractiveness.
• Investment and Commitment: A key theme is women’s desire for investment from men, both emotional and material. This desire influences their perceptions of sexual attractiveness, where a man’s status, skills, and resources play a significant role. Women evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. Their emotional reactions to low-investment sexual relations (worry, remorse) are seen as mechanisms guiding them toward higher-investing partners. In contrast, the more casual sexual experience men have, the less likely they are to worry about their partners’ feelings or think about long-term commitment.

Sources of Conflict and Bargaining:

• The fundamental differences in sexual desires and goals often lead to conflict in heterosexual relationships. For instance, men may feel that women make too many demands for investment, while women may feel that men prioritize sex without sufficient emotional connection.
• Heterosexual relationships involve a continuous bargaining process as men and women attempt to accommodate each other’s basic desires and capacities. For example, women are more likely to seek foreplay and afterplay, and their control over the initiation of intercourse gives them some bargaining power regarding foreplay.
• Differences in jealousy are also noted, with men’s jealousy tending to focus on sexual infidelity, driven by concerns about paternity, and women’s jealousy focusing more on the potential loss of the relationship and the diversion of their partner’s resources .

The Role of Status and Dominance:

• A man’s status and perceived dominance are important factors in his attractiveness to women. Women often unconsciously play out ancient rituals by being attracted to men who represent a “challenge,” those who are highly sought after and not easily committed. Dominance is seen as signaling a man’s ability to protect and provide.
• Conversely, men are generally uninterested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction for them.

Testing Behaviors:

• Women often engage in subtle and sometimes overt “testing” behaviors to assess a man’s level of investment and commitment. This can include provoking arguments or flirting with other men to gauge their partner’s emotional reactions and boundaries. Men also report testing their partners for jealousy and how much they care, but typically only in relationships they are serious about.

Impact of Societal Changes:

• Modernization, urbanization, and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing partners. While these changes allow for more personal fulfillment, they have also correlated with higher rates of nonmarital sex and divorce, potentially making both sexes more vulnerable to rejection.
• Despite changing social norms and increased female economic independence, the fundamental sex differences in sexuality and mate preferences appear to persist. Even women with high status and income often still desire men of equal or higher status.

Coping with Sex Differences in Relationships:

• The author suggests that recognizing and acknowledging these basic sex differences in desires and goals is crucial for navigating man-woman relationships successfully. This doesn’t necessarily mean acting out every fantasy, but rather building rules and expectations that account for these differences.
• Successful couples often find shared activities and interests and prioritize spending time together.
• Accepting that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable due to these inherent differences is also a step toward negotiation and compromise. Understanding that men’s sexual desire may be more frequent and less dependent on mood than women’s is important for achieving healthy sexual adjustment in a relationship.

In conclusion, the sources emphasize that man-woman relationships are shaped by both shared human needs and fundamental psychological differences rooted in evolutionary history. Recognizing and understanding these differences, particularly in the realms of sexuality, mate selection, and the desire for investment, is presented as essential for building more informed, realistic, and potentially more successful relationships.

Male Sexual Behavior: Tendencies and Desires

Based on the sources, men’s sexual behavior is characterized by several key tendencies and desires that often differ from those of women. These differences are seen as fundamental and potentially rooted in evolutionary psychology.

Arousal and Desire:

• Men are generally more frequently aroused sexually than women.
• They are also aroused by a greater variety of stimuli, including the mere sight of a potential sexual partner, pictures of nude figures and genitals, memories, and the anticipation of new experiences.
• Visual stimuli play a primary role in male sexual arousal. This is exemplified by the young man in the class discussion who stated that seeing a good-looking woman with a great body creates an instantaneous desire for sex without conscious decision.
• For many men, particularly younger ones, sexual arousal can be frequent and spontaneous, sometimes occurring involuntarily in embarrassing situations. They may feel uncomfortable if they cannot carry their arousal through to orgasm.
• Men’s sexuality tends to be more focused on genital stimulation and orgasm compared to women.

Goals and Motivations:

• Men often dissociate sex from relationships and feelings more readily than women. Joan’s incomprehension of men’s focus on immediate sex illustrates this difference.
• There is a stronger desire for a variety of sex partners and uncommitted sex among men. Patrick’s frequenting of singles bars exemplifies this tendency. The thought of sex with a new and different partner is intrinsically exciting for many men, even more so than with a familiar partner they love.
• Men may engage in casual sex with partners they do not particularly like simply because it is pleasurable. Matt’s numerous one-night stands demonstrate this.

Mate Selection:

• Heterosexual men prioritize women who exhibit signs of peak fertility, which often manifest in physical attractiveness. This criterion operates whether a man consciously desires children or not.
• Compared to women, men are generally less interested in whether a woman is dominant; physical attractiveness is the primary driver of sexual attraction.
• Studies suggest that men show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.

Investment and Commitment:

• Men’s ability to be easily aroused by new partners can urge them to seek sex with women in whom they will invest little or nothing. This can lead to a tendency to limit investments and spread them among several women.
• Men with high status tend to have more sex partners because many women find them attractive. The availability of sex “with no strings attached” can overwhelm their loyalty and prudence in committed relationships.
• Some authors suggest a rise in “functional polygyny,” where men avoid binding commitments and indulge their desire for partner variety, often telling women they would marry if they found the right person.

Emotional Reactions:

• When men engage in casual relations, the mental feedback in terms of feelings and memories is often positive, motivating them to repeat the experience.
• However, some men can be distressed by the implications of their desires and feel guilt when their partners are hurt.
• Men’s jealousy tends to focus on the act of intercourse itself, often provoking graphic fantasies of their partners with other men and thoughts of retaliation.

Cross-Cultural Consistency:

• Across diverse cultures like Samoa and China, similar patterns in men’s sexual desires are observed, including a desire for more frequent intercourse and a greater interest in a variety of partners.

Homosexuality:

• Studies of homosexual men provide strong support for basic sex differences. Gay men exhibit male tendencies in an extreme form, having low-investment sexual relations with multiple partners and focusing on genital stimulation, likely because they are not constrained by women’s needs for commitment.

Impact of Societal Changes:

• Increased availability of nonmarital sex due to factors like the birth control pill has likely made it easier for men, particularly successful ones, to act on their desires for partner variety.

In summary, the sources depict men’s sexual behavior as being characterized by a higher frequency of arousal, a strong response to visual cues, a desire for variety in partners, and a greater capacity to separate sex from emotional investment. These tendencies are seen as consistent across cultures and are even amplified in homosexual men, suggesting a fundamental aspect of male sexual psychology.

Women’s Sexual Behavior: Key Characteristics and Tendencies

Drawing on the provided source “01.pdf”, a discussion of women’s sexual behavior reveals several key characteristics and tendencies, often contrasted with those of men. The author emphasizes that while societal changes have occurred, certain basic patterns appear persistent.

Arousal and Desire:

• Compared to men, women are generally sexually aroused less frequently and by a narrower range of stimuli. Women are not likely to be sexually aroused merely by looking at parts of a stranger’s body, an experience commonplace for men.
• The cues for a woman’s arousal are often initially internal; she needs to “put herself in the mood” or allow herself to be put in the mood.
• Physical attractiveness alone is often insufficient to trigger sexual desire in women towards a stranger. They typically need more information about the man, such as who he is and how he relates to the world and to her.
• While women can be as readily aroused as men when they decide to be with a selected partner or through fantasies and masturbation, the initial triggers differ.

Link Between Sex and Love/Investment:

• A central theme is the strong link between sex and love, affection, and commitment for many women. Many women prefer sex within loving, committed relationships and are more likely to orgasm in such contexts.
• Women often desire more cuddling, verbal intimacy, expressions of affection, and foreplay and afterplay to enjoy sexual relations. Joan’s desire for affection, caring, verbal intimacy, and sexual fidelity as part of a sexual relationship exemplifies this.
• Women’s sexual desire is intimately tied to signs of investment from their partners, which can include attention, affection, time, energy, money, and material resources. These signs communicate that a partner cares about the woman and is willing to invest in her happiness.
• Sexual relations without these signs of investment are often less satisfying for women, leading them to feel “used”.

Emotional Reactions to Casual Sex:

• Even women who initially express permissive attitudes towards casual sex and voluntarily engage in such relations often experience negative emotions when there is a lack of desired emotional involvement or commitment from their partners. These emotions act as “alarms” guiding them towards higher-investment relationships.
• These negative emotions are not necessarily linked to traditional conservative sexual attitudes but rather to a lack of control over the partner’s level of involvement and commitment.
• Experiences with casual sex can lead women to a rejection of such encounters after realizing they cannot always control the balance between desired and received investment, and that these experiences can be “scary,” making them feel “slutty” and “used”.
• Intercourse itself can produce feelings of bonding and vulnerability in women, even if they initially did not desire emotional involvement.

Mate Selection:

• While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, women’s criteria for sexual attractiveness evolve and are strongly influenced by a man’s status, skills, and material resources, especially in the context of long-term relationships. Even women with high earning power often desire men of equal or higher status.
• Women tend to evaluate potential partners based on their perceived willingness and ability to invest in them and their potential offspring.
• Women are often attracted to men who represent a “challenge” and exhibit dominance, as these traits can signal an ability to protect and provide. However, this attraction is linked to the potential for the dominant man’s investment.
• Women may engage in casual sex for reasons beyond just intercourse, such as testing their attractiveness, competition with other women, or even revenge.

Impact of Societal Changes:

• While increased availability of contraception and women’s economic independence have changed sexual behavior, they have not eliminated the basic differences in how men and women express their sexuality. In fact, greater sexual freedom can make these differences more visible.
• Despite increased female economic independence, the desire for men of equal or higher status often persists.

Cross-Cultural Perspectives:

• Even in cultures with varying levels of sexual permissiveness, such as Samoa and China, differences in male and female sexuality are evident. In China, women were seen as controlling the frequency of intercourse and their desire often dropped after childbirth and menopause.

In conclusion, the sources suggest that women’s sexual behavior is characterized by a stronger integration of sex with emotional connection and a significant emphasis on signs of investment from partners. While physical attraction is a factor, women’s sexual interest and mate selection are deeply intertwined with assessing a man’s potential as a long-term partner and provider. Even with increased societal freedoms, these fundamental tendencies in women’s sexual psychology appear to persist, leading to different motivations and emotional responses compared to men in sexual relationships.

Mate Selection: Gendered Preferences and Evolutionary Bases

Mate selection is a central theme explored throughout the sources, with a significant focus on the differing criteria and priorities of men and women. The text emphasizes that these differences, while potentially influenced by social factors, have a strong biological and evolutionary basis.

Key Differences in Mate Selection Criteria:

• Men’s Priorities: Heterosexual men consistently emphasize physical attractiveness and signs of peak fertility in women when choosing partners for dating, sex, and marriage. This preference operates whether a man consciously desires children or not. While other qualities like common backgrounds, compatibility, intelligence, and sociability are considered important for serious relationships and marriage, a certain threshold of physical attractiveness must be met for a woman to even be considered. Men also show more agreement than women in judging who is sexually attractive.
• Women’s Priorities: Women, on the other hand, place a greater emphasis on a man’s status, skills, and material resources as indicators of his ability to invest in them and their potential offspring. This preference for men of equal or higher socioeconomic status persists even among women with high earning power. While physical attractiveness plays a role in initial attraction, it is often secondary to signs of investment potential and other factors like a man’s character, intelligence (defined in terms of success and social connections within her milieu), and the respect he enjoys in his social circle. Women’s judgments of men’s attractiveness are also significantly influenced by the opinions of other women.

Trade-offs Between Status and Physical Attractiveness:

• When forced to make trade-offs, men and women exhibit dramatic differences. Men are often unwilling to date women whose physical features do not meet their standards, regardless of the women’s ambition and success. Conversely, women are rarely willing to date or have sexual relations with men who have lower socioeconomic status than they do, despite the men’s looks and physiques.
• The relative importance of looks and status can also shift depending on the context of the relationship. Men might have more lenient physical criteria for casual sex compared to a serious relationship or marriage.

The Role of Status:

• Status as a “Door Opener” for Men: For men, physical traits act as an initial filter, determining the pool of partners with whom they desire sexual relations and opening the door for further exploration of investment potential.
• Status as a “Door Opener” for Women: For women, status is a major criterion in their initial filter. High status can even transform a man’s perceived physical and sexual attractiveness in the eyes of women through a largely unconscious perceptual process.

Competition in the Mate Selection Market:

• Because men prioritize physical attractiveness, women with higher levels of education and income must compete with women from all socioeconomic levels for the relatively smaller pool of higher-status men. This competition can be heated.
• Men’s relative indifference to women’s status and earning power contributes to this dynamic.
• Women may engage in behaviors, sometimes unconsciously, to test their attractiveness and compete for desirable men.

Impact of Societal Changes:

• Despite increased female economic independence and societal changes, the fundamental differences in mate preferences between men and women appear persistent. The sources suggest that these preferences are deeply rooted in evolutionary psychology, reflecting the different reproductive risks and opportunities faced by men and women throughout human history.
• Urbanization and industrialization have led to changes in family structures and greater individual freedom in choosing mates. However, these changes have not eliminated the core sex differences in what men and women seek in partners.

Mate Selection Among Homosexuals:

• Studies of homosexual men and women provide further support for the basic sex differences in mate selection. Gay men prioritize youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, similar to heterosexual men. Lesbians, on the other hand, place more emphasis on intellectual and spiritual qualities, personal compatibility, and communication, mirroring the tendencies of heterosexual women. This suggests that these preferences are not solely due to traditional sex roles.

In conclusion, mate selection is a complex process influenced by both biological predispositions and social contexts. However, the sources strongly indicate that men and women, on average, have distinct priorities. Men tend to prioritize physical attractiveness and signs of fertility, while women prioritize status and indicators of investment potential. These differing criteria lead to various dynamics in the “dating-mating market,” including competition and trade-offs between different desirable qualities in a partner.

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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