The Truth About Changing Them by Kim Quindlen

The provided text is an excerpt from Kim Quindlen’s self-help book, The Art of Letting Go. The passage focuses on the futility of trying to change others, arguing that individuals lack the power to alter the behavior of those around them. Instead, the author emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and personal boundaries, suggesting that one’s power lies in deciding whether or not to remain in a relationship with someone who isn’t changing. It promotes self-reflection and choosing one’s own well-being over attempting to modify the actions of others. The excerpt ultimately advocates for prioritizing personal happiness and making decisions based on one’s own needs.

The Art of Letting Go: A Study Guide

Quiz

1. According to the text, who is the only person you can truly control? Why is this an important understanding to have?
2. What common hope do people have when they leave one relationship to start another? According to the text, is this realistic or likely?
3. What does the text imply is a key reason a person might want to change someone? Is this an acceptable justification for wanting to change someone?
4. The text identifies several negative traits such as “beg, hope, ask, plead, blackmail, tempt, motivate, guilt” that are associated with the desire to change another person. What does this list imply about how the author views attempts to change others?
5. What is a key distinction the text draws between being flexible and willing to compromise versus standing your ground? Why is it important to understand this difference in a relationship?
6. What behavior does the text say is a sign of being “high maintenance?” What is the counterpoint?
7. According to the text, what is a crucial skill to develop in order to maintain well-being in relationships?
8. According to the author, what is the “only direction” you can go when attempting to change another person?
9. What does the text suggest is the critical question you must ask yourself in a relationship? How does this relate to the idea of letting go?
10. What does the text imply about a person’s ability to change their own behaviors or ways of being?

Quiz Answer Key

1. The only person you can truly control is yourself. Understanding this is important because it highlights the futility of trying to change others and focuses efforts on self-improvement.
2. People often hope that the next relationship will be magically different. However, the text suggests that this hope is unrealistic, and moving on does not inherently change the dynamics that were present before.
3. A key reason people want to change others is because they are lacking something in the relationship. The author suggests it is not an acceptable justification, and it is more productive to accept who another person is.
4. The author uses a list of negative characteristics to demonstrate that attempts to change another person will typically lead to conflict, pressure, and resentment.
5. It distinguishes between being flexible and standing your ground, suggesting flexibility is about understanding and compromise, while standing your ground occurs when you know your value. Understanding this difference is important for healthy relational boundaries.
6. Being “high-maintenance” is being overly demanding and critical, while the counterpoint involves being aware of one’s value and being willing to leave when treatment is not right.
7. The text suggests the crucial skill to develop is being able to understand when to stay and when to walk away, as a way to advocate for your well being.
8. The only direction when trying to change someone is inward, towards yourself, which suggests working on self-awareness and improvement is a better use of energy.
9. The critical question is whether you will choose to stay or leave the relationship. It relates to letting go because sometimes the best way to let go of a situation is to detach and leave the relationship.
10. The text implies that people can change, but that the impetus for that change must come from within them.

Essay Questions

1. The author argues that the only person you can control is yourself. Explore how understanding this concept can significantly alter one’s approach to personal relationships and overall well-being.
2. Discuss the distinction between flexibility and standing your ground as presented in the text. In what kinds of relationships might each approach be more appropriate or effective?
3. The text asserts that attempting to change another person is a “losing battle.” Discuss this idea by analyzing the reasons why people try to change others and why those attempts typically fail.
4. The idea of “letting go” is often associated with ending relationships. How might the concepts of “letting go” and walking away as presented in the text, promote personal growth and foster healthier relationships?
5. How does the text’s analysis of “high-maintenance” behavior illuminate deeper issues about self-worth and relationship expectations? Analyze this term and suggest better ways to evaluate the relationship.

Glossary of Key Terms

• Control: The power to influence or direct behavior. The text highlights the limits of this with regards to other people, while emphasizing self-control.
• Flexibility: The ability to adapt and compromise, implying a willingness to adjust one’s expectations or behaviors to create harmony.
• Standing Your Ground: A concept related to self-worth, it means maintaining your values and beliefs. The text suggests this is important to maintain healthy boundaries.
• High-Maintenance: The text defines this as being overly demanding and critical in a relationship, which is also implied to be a symptom of a lack of self-worth.
• Letting Go: A process of detachment and acceptance, especially with regards to what cannot be controlled. It may mean ending a relationship, and is framed as a means to promote personal well-being.
• Compromise: Making mutual concessions to come to an agreement, also related to the ability to be flexible.
• Self-Awareness: An understanding of one’s own character, feelings, and motivations. The text suggests introspection as a better approach than attempting to change another.
• Inward: This term is used in the text to indicate that the best direction to point one’s efforts at personal growth and change, rather than focusing on other’s behaviors.
• Well-Being: The state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy. The text relates well-being with the idea of being able to walk away from a relationship that is not working.
• Boundaries: The limits that one sets in a relationship to protect one’s well-being, both physical and emotional. The text implies that a need for boundaries comes when someone needs to either let go or stand their ground.

The Art of Letting Go: Accepting Others

Okay, here’s a briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided source:

Briefing Document: “The Truth About Changing Them”

Source: Excerpts from “The Art of Letting Go” by Kim Quindlen (as presented in the provided images from combinepdf.pdf)

Date: 2023-01-25 (as per PDF header)

I. Main Theme: The Futility of Changing Others

The central argument of this excerpt revolves around the fundamental truth that you cannot change other people. The author emphasizes that focusing on changing others is not only a losing battle but also a distraction from the more important work of self-improvement and making choices aligned with your own well-being.

Key Quotes:

• “You won’t. Because you can’t.” – This statement directly confronts the reader’s potential belief that they can alter someone else.
• “The only person you can control in your life is yourself.” – This highlights the limited scope of personal influence and the importance of focusing inward.

II. Accepting the Limits of Your Influence

The text urges the reader to accept the fact that people change only when they are ready and willing, and only through their own internal motivations. Trying to force change, through any means, will ultimately be ineffective and create unnecessary frustration.

Key Ideas and Points:

• Internal Motivation: Change must come “of their own accord, from the inside out.” This implies that external pressure or coercion will not lead to genuine transformation.
• Letting Go of Control: The excerpt suggests that the desire to change someone often stems from a need to control a relationship or situation. It recommends letting go of the hope for change as a means to achieve peace.
• The Illusion of “Fixing” Others: The text dismisses the notion that you can “fix” someone else through research, brainstorming or any form of active intervention. “It’s not about changing them. It never has been.”

III. Shifting Focus to Personal Well-being

Instead of trying to change others, the author advocates for a focus on one’s own well-being, including self-respect and establishing healthy boundaries. The primary question isn’t “How can I change them?” but rather, “How do I choose what’s best for me?”

Key Points and Insights:

• Relationship Dynamics: The text highlights the difference between having standards and holding people to those standards versus expecting people to be different than they are. “Understanding the difference between being flexible and willing to compromise, versus standing your ground when you know you deserve better.”
• Self-Respect: Readers are urged to learn how to assess their treatment in a relationship and, if being mistreated, to respond by honoring themselves and taking appropriate action. “You can’t force someone to love you, to treat you a certain way. To be honest, faithful, supportive, and kind. But you can love yourself enough to acknowledge when you’re being treated wrongly and when you deserve better.”
• Agency and Choice: The ultimate message is one of personal empowerment. It’s up to the individual to decide what they’re willing to accept and whether or not they choose to remain in a given relationship. “What you do have is the power to decide whether or not you’re going to stay.”
• Intuition: “Listen to yourself, listen to your gut.” – This points to the importance of trusting one’s intuition when determining how they are being treated.

IV. Identifying the Need to Move On

The text points out that the desire to change someone can be an indication that the relationship is not compatible. Continuing to try and change someone rather than accept them may lead to a cycle of misery. In that case, the best action may be to move on.

Key Points:

• Reciprocal Effort: The excerpt underscores that it’s only fair that people “want to change” of their own accord.
• The “Hope” of Change is often a Trap: The author observes that hoping someone will magically change between relationships is an unhealthy pattern. “But it feels better to just hope for change anyway, to hope that they start behaving differently so that you can get what’s left of your relationship, so that you don’t have to start over, completely…when you’ve gone from one relationship to another, it seems so much easier to just keep hoping that eventually they’ll magically be different, than it is to let go and move on.”

V. Conclusion

The overall message from this excerpt is that you cannot change other people, and that your energy should be focused on your own choices and well-being. Understanding that the only person you can control is yourself, and honoring your own self worth, is paramount.

Taking Control of Your Relationships

FAQ

• Why is it generally futile to try to change other people? The excerpt asserts that the only person you can control in your life is yourself. People change on their own accord, from within, when they are ready. Attempting to change someone else is a waste of energy and leads to frustration, and is often seen as manipulative. It’s not your place or power to make another person alter their fundamental behavior, desires, or outlook on the world.
• What is the key difference between wanting to change someone for their betterment and trying to change them for selfish reasons? The excerpt suggests the key difference lies in the motivation. If you believe someone is being abusive, unfair or unfaithful, then your desire for change is valid and can allow you to leave the relationship if necessary. If you are trying to change someone to fulfill your preferences or personal expectations, then you are likely trying to manipulate and you are not focusing on the other person’s actual character. The motivation for change should stem from a desire for healthy behavior, not from a desire to force someone into a specific mold.
• How should one approach a relationship where they feel they need to change the other person? The excerpt advises that instead of trying to “fix” the other person, one should turn inward, listen to their intuition, and focus on their own needs and boundaries. If you feel that you need to change your partner, this is a sign that you may be misreading the relationship. Ultimately, the most productive course of action is to decide whether to stay or leave based on how you are being treated, and understanding that you cannot change the other person.
• What are some warning signs that someone may be acting in a way that is harmful? The excerpt specifically points out that being in a relationship with someone who is abusive, unfaithful or selfish, signals that your relationship is not healthy. In addition, if the other person is engaging in actions that include begging, pleading, blackmailing, using guilt, or trying to make the other person feel at fault, this behavior signals that they are not treating the other person fairly.
• What does it mean to be “firm about the treatment you know you deserve?” This implies a necessary degree of self-respect and understanding of your own worth. To be firm about the treatment you deserve means that you recognize when you are being treated poorly, understand that this mistreatment is not okay, and you are willing to enforce boundaries to maintain your emotional well being, including walking away from unhealthy situations.
• What is the significance of the phrase, “Listen to your gut?” The phrase “Listen to your gut” serves as a reminder that you have an inner intuition that will tell you if you are being mistreated, manipulated, or disrespected. If a situation doesn’t feel right or if you sense that someone is not behaving honestly, you should heed that warning. Ignoring this gut feeling can result in prolonged unhappiness.
• Why is it important to consider whether one is being overly demanding? It’s important to take stock and make sure that the expectations and demands in a relationship aren’t unreasonable or are too self serving, which can easily lead to an unfair relationship, and may be a sign that the other person is not being treated fairly. It is a necessary practice to make sure that you are not trying to control the other person, rather, that you are seeing the situation for what it is.
• What is the most productive action when you realize a relationship is not working? The excerpt suggests that the most empowering and productive action is to decide if you want to stay or leave. The focus should be on acknowledging what is happening and not trying to change the other person, recognizing that you cannot force the other person to change or treat you better. Rather, you must assess the situation and make an informed decision about whether to remain in the relationship as it is.

Changing Others: Acceptance and Self-Awareness in Relationships

The sources discuss the concept of changing others in the context of relationships. Here’s a breakdown of the key points:

• You can only control yourself: The sources emphasize that the only person you can truly change is yourself [1]. You can’t force or manipulate others to change; any change they make must come from their own desire and internal motivation [1].
• Accepting others as they are: Trying to change someone else is presented as a “fighting a losing battle” [1]. It’s important to accept people as they are rather than trying to mold them into your ideal [1].
• The futility of trying to change someone: The sources suggest that trying to change others is an ineffective and often frustrating endeavor. You may hope that they’ll magically change, especially after a transition from one relationship to another, but you can’t force it [1].
• Understanding different perspectives: It is important to understand the difference between being flexible and willing to compromise, versus standing your ground when you know you deserve better [1]. The sources also mention the difference between having high standards and finding someone who truly loves you, versus having unrealistic expectations [1].
• Focusing on your own needs and boundaries: It’s vital to listen to your gut and recognize when you’re being mistreated [1]. You should be honest, faithful, supportive and kind, but also recognize when you deserve better treatment [1]. You have the power to decide whether to stay in a relationship or leave [2].
• Reasons for Change: The reasons people change in relationships are diverse, including being abusive, unfaithful, selfish, or needing space [1]. Sometimes the change is something you need, such as more affection [1]. People may also behave out of preference, like being high-maintenance [1].

In short, the sources advocate for self-awareness, acceptance, and focusing on your own choices rather than attempting to change others.

Letting Go: Acceptance and Self-Prioritization

The sources discuss “letting go” in the context of accepting that you cannot change others, and focusing on your own needs and choices [1]. Here’s how the sources discuss letting go:

• Letting go of the need to change others: The sources emphasize that you can’t control or change other people [1]. Instead of trying to fix or change someone, the only path is to let go of the expectation that they will change [1]. Trying to change someone is described as “fighting a losing battle” [1].
• Accepting the present: The sources suggest that if you spend your time hoping that people will change, you are not living in the present [1].
• Moving on: Once you accept that you cannot change someone, you may need to let go and move on, especially if you are in a relationship where you are not being treated well [1]. The source notes that after going from one relationship to another, it seems like people might magically change, but the only thing you can do is let go and move on [1].
• Making your own decisions: The sources explain that you have the power to decide if you stay in a relationship, or leave [2]. This is part of the process of letting go – letting go of the relationship if it does not serve you.

In summary, letting go, as presented in the sources, is about accepting that you cannot change others, understanding your own needs, and making choices that prioritize your well-being, which could mean leaving a relationship [1, 2].

Relationship Change and Self-Acceptance

The sources discuss relationship changes in the context of personal growth, acceptance, and the limitations of trying to change others [1, 2]. Here’s a breakdown of key points about relationship changes based on the sources:

• The Impossibility of Changing Others: The sources emphasize that you cannot change other people [1, 2]. Any change in a person must come from their own desire, and internal motivation [1]. Trying to change someone is described as a futile endeavor, “fighting a losing battle” [1].
• Reasons for Change in Relationships: According to the sources, people change for various reasons including:
• Being abusive, unfaithful, or selfish [1].
• Needing more space or affection [1].
• Simply having a different preference or being high-maintenance [1].
• Accepting Others as They Are: Instead of trying to change others, the sources advocate for accepting people as they are [1, 2]. This involves letting go of the expectation that a person will change to fit your ideal [1, 2].
• The Importance of Self-Awareness: The sources stress the importance of self-awareness and understanding your own needs and boundaries in relationships [1, 2]. This includes:
• Listening to your gut to recognize when you’re being mistreated [1].
• Understanding the difference between being flexible and compromising, versus standing your ground when you know you deserve better [1].
• Knowing the difference between having high standards and unrealistic expectations [1].
• Focusing on Your Own Choices: Instead of trying to change others, the sources advise focusing on what you can control – your own actions and choices [1, 2]. You have the power to decide whether to stay in a relationship or leave [1, 2].
• Letting Go and Moving On: When you realize that you can’t change someone, the sources suggest that you may need to let go and move on, especially if the relationship is not healthy or fulfilling [1, 2]. The sources explain that moving from one relationship to another does not mean the other person will magically change, and it is important to let go and move on if that is the right choice for you [1].

In summary, the sources suggest that relationship changes are primarily about accepting the limitations of your ability to change others and recognizing the need to prioritize your own well-being and make choices based on your personal needs [1, 2]. It’s about accepting that you can’t control other people and that true change must come from within them [1].

Personal Growth Through Self-Acceptance

The sources discuss personal growth primarily in the context of relationships, emphasizing self-awareness, acceptance, and focusing on your own choices rather than trying to change others [1, 2]. Here’s a breakdown of key points about personal growth based on the sources:

• Focus on self-change: The sources stress that the only person you can truly change is yourself [1]. Trying to change others is portrayed as a futile effort, and true change must come from within a person [1, 2]. Personal growth, therefore, involves introspection and a commitment to improving yourself rather than attempting to control others.
• Accepting others as they are: A key aspect of personal growth, according to the sources, is learning to accept others for who they are [1, 2]. Trying to change someone is “fighting a losing battle” [1]. This involves letting go of the desire to mold people into your ideal, and instead focusing on your own growth and happiness.
• Understanding your own needs: The sources highlight the importance of self-awareness in personal growth [1, 2]. This involves understanding your own needs, boundaries, and what you deserve in a relationship. This self-knowledge helps you make better choices and avoid being mistreated [1].
• This includes listening to your gut to recognize when you’re not being treated well [1].
• It also means knowing the difference between healthy compromise and settling for less than you deserve [1].
• It further entails distinguishing between high standards and unrealistic expectations [1].
• Making your own choices: A significant aspect of personal growth is recognizing your power to make your own decisions [1, 2]. This means understanding that you have the ability to choose whether to stay in a relationship or to leave [2]. The sources suggest that this is an important step in prioritizing your own well-being [2].
• Letting go as a part of personal growth: The sources suggest that letting go of the need to change others is a crucial part of personal growth [1]. If you can’t change someone, you must let go of the expectation that they will change [1]. This can also include letting go of a relationship that no longer serves you [2]. It’s a process that allows you to move forward and focus on your own journey [1].

In summary, personal growth, as described in the sources, is about turning inward, understanding your needs and boundaries, accepting others as they are, and making empowered choices for yourself. It involves letting go of the desire to change others and focusing on your own self-improvement and well-being.

Self-Acceptance and Personal Growth

The sources discuss self-acceptance as a key component of personal growth and healthy relationships. Here’s a breakdown of self-acceptance based on the sources:

• Accepting yourself is paramount: The sources emphasize that you can only control yourself, and that the only person you can truly change is yourself [1]. This suggests that accepting who you are is an important first step in your personal growth, as it lays the foundation for self-improvement.
• Understanding your own needs and boundaries is essential to self-acceptance [1, 2]. This means:
• Listening to your gut to recognize when you are being mistreated [1].
• Understanding the difference between being flexible and compromising versus knowing when to stand your ground [1].
• Differentiating between having high standards and having unrealistic expectations [1].
• Letting go of the need to change others: A crucial aspect of self-acceptance is recognizing that you cannot change others [1]. Instead of focusing on changing others, the sources imply that you should turn your focus inward [1]. Trying to change others is described as “fighting a losing battle” [1].
• Making your own decisions: The sources highlight the importance of recognizing that you have the power to make your own choices [2]. This includes choosing whether to stay in a relationship, or leave, based on your understanding of your needs and boundaries [2]. By making your own decisions, you are choosing to accept yourself by prioritizing your well-being [2].
• Self-acceptance is linked to personal growth: According to the sources, self-acceptance is a key part of personal growth [1]. This is because by accepting yourself, and letting go of the desire to change others, you are choosing to focus on your own self-improvement and well-being [1].

In summary, the sources suggest that self-acceptance involves understanding and prioritizing your own needs, making empowered choices for yourself, and letting go of the desire to change others. It is about turning inward, recognizing your own worth, and making decisions that honor your own well-being [1, 2].

By Amjad Izhar
Contact: amjad.izhar@gmail.com
https://amjadizhar.blog

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